A friend A Murderer - Writers Forum

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 03-26-2006, 02:46 PM

Many years, many autopsies, many cases solved. Clues lead in many directions. But if you look, if you look hard, you’ll find that piece of evidence will lead you to an accusation. Sometimes that accusation would be wrong. Other times that piece of information would come to be a truth that you want to avert your eyes from. But you cant no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. The wrong prediction can turn the best of friends into enemies. And potential lovers into opponents. Plans of future love backfires in your face, your heart shattered and grown cold. Emotions shattered like weak glass. Depression strengthen like steel, and welded by a hardened heart. Homicide; suicide.

Chapter 1

“Stephanie, someone is here to see you in the lobby.” Says the secretary, annoyed by the interruption, I slowly turn around. Bloodied scrubs, gloves, and apron startle her, she hates the sight of blood. “I’ll be there shortly. Who is this ‘someone’?” I ask her with a straight face. I just loved startling her, it was funny the way she reacted, her eyes bulging. Makes me wonder why she works here, she’s going to see cut up bodies and blood.
“He wouldn’t give his name.”
“He?” I quickly take off my gloves and apron and turn my attention toward another woman. “Danielle do you think you can take care of this for me?” Danielle was my partner in the lab, we’ve been friends since highschool. We helped each other get into the field of autopsies and detective work.
“Sure, go see him” she said with a childish tone, I just wanted to laugh and tell her too shut up, but I just walked out the door.

I got into the locker room and quickly and carefully slip out of the bloody scrubs and put them in the white, wheeled laundry hamper labeled “Bio-hazard, bloody clothes in this hamper. No problems, I had my regular clothes underneath them, that was not the smartest idea. I could get blood on my clothes as well if any just happens to escape and go under my scrubs. When I get to the lobby I see a familiar face. He had short, black hair, and a shaven chin, revealing a chiseled jaw-line. A mustache ghosted the area between his nose and upper lip, he wore a shirt that showed-off his chest, stomach, and shoulders. Dark sunglasses hid his eyes, making him more mysterious. The name 'Anthony' popped into my mind.
“Who are you?” I asked the man.
“It’s me. Anthony.” My hunch was right.
“It’s nice to finally meet once again!” I said, excited, “I’m glad you looked me—“ I was interrupted by my beeper going off, the face read Autaupsy 1 - Trace Danielle must have found something confusing or important. “Damn...” I said, quietly. “Duty calls. I’m so sorry, we can talk later right?” He nodded in reply as I turned around and walked towards the elevator. I had that feeling someone was following me, as I entered the elevator, Anthony was right behind me. I faced him and thought about whether it was a good idea to have him in the same elevator as me. Then, Light bulb! I tried to shove Anthony out but the door closed “No, get out, you shouldn't be following.” I gasped
“Let me say something, first.” He said quickly.
“Yes..?” I asked, he pulled me close and I pushed him away, before I knew it, I was against the elevators wall. He took off his sunglasses, revealing chocolate-brown eyes. Rich, sweet, sensual.
This is what I get for playing Coy, I thought to myself. I shuddered, and it wasn’t because I was cold, A sweet, unknown, arousing aroma filled the air, was it his cologne?

“I love you,” He whispered. I was wondering when he was going to admit it. He held me in a kiss,even my mind was screaming in anger but my heart wanted more. I had lost my mind, but damn, I’ll say it again DAMN! Who wouldn’t? “Ding” the door opens, I hear my boss clear his throat. “Maybe I should get another elevator.” Anthony quickly turned around and I said “No, this is my floor.” I stuttered while snaking out of Anthony's hold. I felt a wave of hot embarrassment rush through my body. I was blushing, Ah! I gathered myself and went into trace.
“So, what do we have?” I asked, still smiling.
“The Jane Doe is positive for Chloroform.” Danielle informed
“Ah, she was drugged. So that’s why there are no defensive wounds, It wasn’t suicide, this was staged.”

Rayner · 03-26-2006, 09:01 PM

Hey, just got done, it was a good start so far. There was one thing that seemed a little strange, the sentence struture was a bit odd, let me show you.

Quote:

Many years, many autopsies, many cases solved. Clues lead in many directions. But if you
look, if you look hard, you’ll find that piece of evidence will lead you to an accusation.
Sometimes that accusation would be wrong. Other times that piece of information would come to
be a truth that you want to advert your eyes from. B ut you cant no matter how much you want to

The sentence cuts off and goes to the next line, was that inntentional or an accident? Its makes reading the story kind of choppy to read, you might want to change that so the whole sentence is on the same line.
Found just a few grammer mistakes.
[QUOTE]B ut you cant[/QUOTE]
There is a space between the b and ut un the but. cant should be can't.
Like I said before you have a good start! I just think you may want to fix the spacing in the sentences. Hope that was helpful.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 03-27-2006, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rayner

Hey, just got done, it was a good start so far. There was one thing that seemed a little strange, the sentence struture was a bit odd, let me show you.

The sentence cuts off and goes to the next line, was that inntentional or an accident? Its makes reading the story kind of choppy to read, you might want to change that so the whole sentence is on the same line.
Found just a few grammer mistakes.
[QUOTE]B ut you cant[/QUOTE]
There is a space between the b and ut un the but. cant should be can't.
Like I said before you have a good start! I just think you may want to fix the spacing in the sentences. Hope that was helpful.

I'm sorry, those were accidents, I can't beileve i missed those oO thanks for pointing them out. thanks for helping me out. I'll fix the splices too. thanks.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 03-27-2006, 03:14 PM

Someone needs to do something about these damned comma splices.
all,
of these errors
are getting freaking
ANNOYING!!!!

Oasis Writer · 03-27-2006, 09:26 PM

Not bad. The ending was very confusing for me. It seemed rushed and I'll need to see more to give it a good or bad. This part was interesting and kept me going, specially since I'm working towards being in the medical field myself. So, not bad. I'll want to see more though to make a better choice. This is all I could see for right now, hope it helps.

Quote:

Bloodied scrubs, gloves, and apron startle her; (Semi-colon) she hates the sight of blood.

Quote:

(New Paragraph)
“I’ll be there shortly. Who is this ‘someone’?” I ask her with a straight face. I just loved startling her. (Period, Cap It) It was funny the way she reacted, her eyes bulging. Makes me wonder why she works here, she’s going to see cut up bodies and blood.

The comma and semi-colon are needed and a new paragraph when there is a new speaker.

Quote:

Danielle, (Comma) do you think you can take care of this for me?”

Just a comma.

Quote:

Danielle was my partner in the lab. (Period, Cap We've.) We’ve been friends since highschool.

The period, becuase you change subjects.

Quote:

I got into the locker room, (Comma) quickly and carefully slip out of the bloody scrubs and put them in the white, wheeled laundry hamper labeled “Bio-hazard, bloody clothes in this hamper.

I think just a comma is needed.

Quote:

No problems, I had my regular clothes underneath them, that was not the smartest idea.

That should be which I believe.

Quote:

When I get to the lobby, (Comma) I see a familiar face.

Just a comma I believe.

Quote:

A shadowed mustache slightly covered the area between his nose and upper lip; (Semi-colon) he wore a shirt that showed-off his chest, stomach, and shoulders.

You changed subjects, I believe a semi-colon is needed or a period for new sentence.

Quote:

Then, Lightbulb!

Lightbulb should be light bulb.

Quote:

No, get out, I don’t think you should be following.” I gasped. (Period)

Need some sort of punctuation in the end of that.

Quote:

I love you. (Period)” He whispered.

Same thing as the last, need a period there.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 03-27-2006, 09:28 PM

Thanks =D I'm working on it as we speak. I'll have it ready to post in a while.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 03-27-2006, 09:40 PM

erm, rushed in what way though? I could fix that.

Silarn · 04-05-2006, 08:03 PM

Author's Note:

Many years, many autopsies, many cases solved. Clues lead in many directions, but if you look, if you look hard, you’ll find that piece of evidence that will lead you to an accusation. Sometimes that piece of information will lead to a truth that you'll want to forget, but you can't no matter how hard you try. Sometimes that accusation will be wrong. The wrong prediction can turn the best of friends to enemies, potential lovers to opponents. Plans forged by love backfire in your face, your heart rent and frozen, emotions shattered like weak glass. Depression becomes as hard as steel, welded together by a hardened heart. Homicide; suicide.

Chapter 1

“Stephanie, someone is here to see you in the lobby,” said the secretary.

Annoyed by the interruption, I slowly turn around. My bloodied scrubs, gloves, and apron startled her; she hates the sight of blood. “I’ll be there shortly. Who is this ‘someone’?” I ask her with a straight face. I loved startling her; it was funny, the way she reacted, eyes bulging. It makes me wonder why she works here; cut up bodies and blood are a commonality.

“He wouldn’t give his name.”

“He?” I quickly took off my gloves and apron and turned my attention to another woman. “Danielle, do you think you can take care of this for me?” Danielle was my partner in the lab. We’ve been friends since highschool and helped each other get into the field of autopsies and detective work.

“Sure, go see him,” she said with a (taunting - not sure this is the word you want) tone. I wanted to laugh and tell her to shut up, but I kept myself in check and walked out the door.

Once I got into the locker room, I quickly and carefully slipped out of the bloody scrubs and deposited them in the white, wheeled laundry hamper labeled 'Bio-hazard, bloody clothes in this hamper'. It was no problem, I had my regular clothes underneath them, though that was not the smartest idea. The blood could easily get onto them as well if any happened to get under my scrubs.

When I arrived at the lobby, a familiar face stood before me. He had short, black hair, a shaven chin with a chiseled jaw-line, and a shadowed mustache which ghosted the area between his nose and upper lip. He wore a shirt that showed off his chest, stomach, and shoulders. Dark sunglasses hid his eyes, making him more mysterious. The name 'Anthony' popped into my mind.

“Who are you?” I asked the man.

“It’s me, Anthony.” My hunch was right.

“It’s nice to finally meet again!” I said excitedly. “I’m glad you looked me—“ I was interrupted by my beeper going off. Autopsy 1-Trace. Danielle must have found something confusing or important. “Damn,” I cursed quietly. “Duty calls. I’m so sorry, we can talk later right?” He nodded in reply as I turned around and walked towards the elevator. I had that feeling someone was following me, and when I entered the elevator Anthony was right behind me. I wasn't sure it was a good idea to for us to be in the same elevator. Then, Lightbulb! I tried to shove Anthony out, but the door closed. “No, get out, you shouldn't be following,” I gasped.

“Let me say something, first.” He said quickly.

“Yes..?” I asked. He pulled me close and I pushed him away, but before I knew it I was against the elevator wall. He took off his sunglasses revealing chocolate-brown eyes; rich, sweet, sensual.

This is what I get for playing Coy, I thought to myself. I shuddered, and it wasn’t because I was cold. A sweet, arousing aroma filled the air. Was it his cologne?

“I love you,” he whispered. I was wondering when he was going to admit it. He held me in a kiss, and though my mind was screaming in anger, my heart wanted more. I had lost my mind, but damn - damn! Who wouldn’t? Ding, the door opens.

I hear my boss clear his throat. “Maybe I should get another elevator.”

Anthony quickly turned around and I said, “No, this is my floor.” I felt a wave of hot embarrassment rush through my body. I was blushing! I gathered myself and went into trace.

“So, what do we have?” I asked, still smiling.

“The Jane Doe is positive for Chloroform,” informed Danielle.

“So she was drugged. That’s why there are no defensive wounds. It wasn’t suicide, it was staged.”

If you are wondering about any of this, just tell me. These are suggestions in many cases, but a fair amount is simple grammar corrections.

Once again, you've got an interesting start. Fortunately, you do vary your sentence structure well, but you had some confusing dialogue and pronoun use in spots. Also, you used 'say' again and again when you could have found a better word.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 04-06-2006, 02:53 PM

Ahh thank you silarn, I'll fix those right now. Thank you so much XD i've been making a few slip-ups.... i probably need to slow down when i write and not get so ryled (Sp?) up lol.