balance part 5: The Fist - Writers Forum

Rayner · 03-25-2006, 02:57 AM

Balance part 5:The Fist

Friday, August 1, 1845 A.A.

3:00-9:00 p.m.

A little shop sat on the corner of Washington and King Streets, the sign on the front door reading, ”Wizardry at you service!”. This shop was new, and many had been excited by the prospect of a wizard beginning a business so close by. To think the wisdom of a wise, old seer, who would, with infinite patience listen, and give guidance and assistance!

This though, was not the case. In fact, the wizard was quite young, and had a little less patience then an enraged bull. People also learned that, well, they did not quite know exactly what a wizard did.

Atren, the wizard, sat listening, or at least trying to listen, to his “client”, once again it was not looking good, and his patience had run out long ago.

“So, you see, there’s this woman-” began the “client”, until Atren was forced to interrupt him.

“Your looking for a love potion aren’t you.”

“Yes-”

Atren sighed heavily; he began to explain what he had explained an innumerable number of times already,

“Sir, please let me make this clear I am a wizard, I do not do charms like love potions, if you are looking for pathetic little tricks, you should seek out a magician…not that they are any help though.

“Err…o.k., so what do you do?”

“Excuse me?”

“What do wizards do, I mean magic wise?”

“Do you mean m-a-g-i-c? Atren pronounced the letters in a slow and deliberate manner.

“Yeah-”

“WIZARDS-DO-NOT-DO-MAGIC.”

“But…what do you-”

“MAJIC! It’s a J, a J, why do people refuse to get it through their heads? Magicians do magic, with a G, now please I can’t help you, and I have other customers!

"But they sound exactly the same, how can you expect someone to-"

"OUT!"

The man silently got up and hurried from the shop. Atren waited for the next customers to come in, and of course, all bore similar results. Atren tried to listen, he ground his teeth, he gagged, he cursed everything within a hundred mile radius, but, damn it, he listened. The list of requests went as this:
Ten (more!) love potions-Magicians did that.
Five requests for having fortune told-Gypsies did that.
Three requests to perform a séance –Mediums did that.
One magic missile and launcher-That was a new one…

All were denied in an (only) half-mad rage.

So, finally the day was done and finished. Atern sighed and began to pack up for the day, when suddenly someone came through the door. Atren managed an enraged growl.

“I AM CLOSING-”

“I think you can make time for me.”

****

Friday, August 1, 1845 A.A.
3:30 p.m.

Agent Barrack sat at his desk, trying to let the hardships of the day melt away. No good, they were more then happy to stay and keep him company. He hazarded a look at the paper work in front of him, perhaps it had disappeared, gone to a magical and happy land were there was always someone who was ready to fill it out, or mail it, or file it or…yep it was still there. Barrack shook himself, fighting the urge to slip into sleep. He grabbed a pen and began to look at the first piece of paper of the miniature version of The Tower of Babel. Then like a gift from heaven, came a knock on the office door.

“Come in.”

“Sir, we have apprehended a criminal that we believe you would know how to handle.”

“Is this a member of The Fist?”

“No sir.”

Barrack considered this. He had been sent to lead the investigation on The Fist, if it wasn’t one of them then it was not really a problem he had to look into…he then looked at the mound of paper work, defying him to take it on.

“Let me take a look, what did you get them on?”

“Britannian without a passport sir.”

The room was silent for a moment; Barrack’s other problems of day were forgotten. He knew this could be bad. How Britannia react when they found out about this? The States already had a bad relation with Britannia, nearly on the verge war…could you go to war over this…

No, no, no Barrack of course not. Just be quite and be careful.

“Have you told anyone else about this?”

“Not me sir.”

“All right...we need to tell the FBI....my superiors need to know. If this leaks, dear God if this leaks…”

Poor Agent Barrack, he truly was a good person, unfortunately for him it had leaked about twenty minutes ago. It was not as if Sarah had not appeared in a public area…
Well if Barrack was lucky, he would have five whole minutes before the first reporters arrived.

****

Friday, August 1, 1845 A.A.
3:34 p.m.

A boy, no more then eighteen, was sitting at a table in front of a café; he was fidgeting and sweating profusely, it could have been from the heavy coat he was wearing, but it seemed more psychological then that. He had a manic look to his eyes. He looked around, did people notice? He looked at the person sitting nearby him. The guy was wearing all white, and people’s attentions were focused more on him. He did have his face covered with his lapels after all, and he just seemed…weird.

The boy knew he could do this, he just had to keep his control, just show them he was the boss. He got up and slipped off his coat, revealing the two Uzis strapped to his torso. He ripped them off and pointed them at the customers

“Everyone, get on the ground and inside or everyone will die!” he screamed.

Charlie, who had been enjoying his day, was a bit perplexed by this.

“I’m sorry son…but how do you expect us to go inside while lying on the ground?”

“What-just get in there now!”

“Oh dear…is that the only thing that will please you young sir?”

What the hell is with this bastard?

Then Charlie darted forward faster then anyone could blink, and grabbed the Uzis from the boy’s hands and threw them to the ground, then he pinned his arms to his back with a crushing force, causing the boy to gasp in pain.

“Now, I think we should talk. Come now, a young man like you should not be going and starting this mischief. Really you are ruining these good peoples day!” said Charlie as he tightened his grip to nearly bone crushing pressure.

“You can not stop the fist of true freedom!” screamed the boy on the top of his lungs.

“Oh I see…someone has been putting these nasty thoughts in your head, well I suppose I will just have to see to that, will you please take me to them?”

“I would rather die!”

“No, no, you would not, I’m sure, and I’ve already killed someone today anyway…ha he ha…took the easy way out on that one I suppose, should have worked it out so it benefit every one!” He tightened his grip one more, the boy snapped.

“I’ll take you! I’ll take you just stop!”

“Ah see, we are working together already!”

With his arms still pinned to his back the boy led Charlie to the head quarters of the group known as The Fist.

To be continued….

Smaointe · 03-26-2006, 11:42 AM

Hey Rayner, finished reading it, here's what I saw.

Quote:

This shop was new and

Put a comma after new.

Quote:

Agent Barrack sat at his desk trying to let the

I would put a comma after desk.

Quote:

still pinned to his back the boy led Charlie

And I think there should be a comma after back.

I seem to be getting better at comma placement. lol

Anyway, I thought this part was interesting. Keep them comming.

HEY!!! Look a that, my quote button is working. YIPPIE!!!!!!!

Rayner · 03-26-2006, 01:27 PM

Thank you very much Smaointe, commas, they are my bane. Glad you enjoyed it! Good that your quote button works, hope that glitch that stopped them from working will stay fixed. Thanks again!

Oasis Writer · 04-12-2006, 12:09 AM

Hey man, I'm here for more. So far, awesome, here's all I caught. Hope it helps.

Quote:

Friday, (Comma) August 1, 1845 A.A.

Okay, I noticed this a few times, put a comma after Friday.

Quote:

A little shop sat on the corner of Washington and King Streets, the sign on the front door saying, ”Wizardry at you service!”.

Use reading.

Quote:

In fact, (Comma) the wizard was quite young, and had a little less patience then an enraged bull.

Quote:

And so Atren, the wizard, sat listening, or at least trying to listen, to his “client”. Once again, (Comma) it was not looking good, and his patience had run out long ago.

Omit "And so," switch the period and the quoation to look like this, ( ." ) and the comma.

Quote:

“So, you see, there’s this woman-” began the “client”, until Atren was forced to interrupt him.

Switch those around. ( ," )

Quote:

10 (more!) love potions-Magicians did that.
5 requests for having fortune told-Gypsies did that.
3 requests to perform a séance –Mediums did that.
1 magic missile and launcher-That was a new one…

Spell those out. (Ten, Five, Three, One)

Quote:

So, (Comma) finally the day was done and finished.

Comma

Quote:

Friday, (Comma) August 1, 1845 A.A.

Comma

Quote:

Friday, (Comma) August 1, 1845 A.A.

Comma

Quote:

A boy, no more then 18, was sitting at a table in front of a café; he was fidgeting and sweating profusely, it could have been from the heavy coat he was wearing, but it seemed more psychological then that.

Now, this is my opinion, but I like to spell out numbers, but since it's over ten, you don't have to, but I'd just write it to eighteen. Looks nicer.
___

Otherwise, not your strongest chapter until the end of it, but still good, nonetheless. I liked your 4th chapter the most so far. But, good work. I hope to see more.

enigmaticuser · 04-23-2006, 07:18 PM

Well this felt a little weaker, but more humorous than the last one. I guess it was some seemingly arbitrary changes. Like red font appearing? Sudden bold for speech. All caps? I thought all the emotion and weight was carried by the text itself and that there was no need for cosmetic changes.

Quote:

“MAJIC! It’s a J, a J, why do people refuse to get it through their heads? Magicians do magic, with a G, now please I can’t help you, and I have other customers!

This part confused me because I'm thinking about the sound of the word. Even in Magician the g is soft, so is is Ma(hard G)ic and Ma(hard G)ician? If so throw in hard and soft or something so it's easier to understand.

Quote:

pick up for the day

Did you mean pick or pack? It works either way, just pack up seems more common.

Quote:

happy land were there was always someone who was ready to fill it out it or mail it or file it or

One too many it, and probably a comma after each phrase "mail it, or file it, or..."

Quote:

Barrack’s other problems day were forgotten.

Reword

Quote:

he would have five whole minutes before the first reporters arrived.

****

Friday, August 1, 1845 A.A.
3:34 p.m.

I loved that!

Quote:

and threw (him) to the ground, then he pinned his arms to his back with a crushing force, causing the boy to gasp in pain.

Missing word. Again I love these characters. Is it just me or are you subtley saying you want to throttle people for the cold blooded murder of the english tongue =)

Yeah I thought you'd like that little Henry Higgins dash of flavor.

Oh yeah I'm a little curious now, Sarah is from our time and timeline right? Or is she from an alternate? Or another time and timeline?

Rayner · 04-23-2006, 08:52 PM

Thank you all very much!

Oasis Writer- I misssed yours again. Sorry, and thank you very much for the help again! You are alawys very helpful, and I will make sure th return the favor

Enigmaticuser- Thanks again! Your right the red was overkill, so I got rid of that. The reason that the last words are in blod because thats the magician speaking. I also tried to make it clearer about the J and G...I don't know if i suceded. Sarah is from the same timeline as the Magician and Charlie, not ours. Thank you very much again!