Adam, Breath In - Writers Forum

enigmaticuser · 03-21-2006, 08:37 PM

I'm just writing this one for fun, I guess. Enjoy, opinions welcome also. This is more a speculation than pure fiction.

Cool, that was my first thought. My first sensation. My body, my chest filled with this thing, it was cool. What is this? I asked. Who am I asking? It’s air, that is what this thing is. How do I know?

A sound now. A sound that was sharp and fast and short, a chirp. It came with a sound of swirling motion, a cool flow of air whistling in my ear. I opened my eyes. What was this I saw? What was sight at all? How did I know what I knew? Blue filled my vision, but to one side was a great disc of light. Golden, burning bright. Moving slowly across this expanse were white puffs, clouds, that were shapeless and shifting.

I loved these three parts to this thing my mind called sky. I was transfixed by it, mesmerized by its quiet yet moving beauty. The warmth that I felt falling from above, the shadows beneath the white, and the blazing rims I loved them and knew nothing of them. After a moment I wanted to touch these things, to hold the light and the cloud.

Something, rose between me and the sky. It was reddish, and darker than any of the things I had already seen. As I looked at this thing it slowly turned about. It had a main stalk, and five smaller pieces that sprouted from the end. There were lines of darkness on it, ridges of shape that shifted as it moved. Then it occurred to me. I feel its movement! Intuitively, I knew there was a connection between me and it. Arm…and hand. That’s what they were. What am I?

I lowered my hand, but my sight followed it until it came to rest beside a larger portion of flesh, like unto it. I moved my hand and touched the larger portion. This is my body, I named it. The main piece, moved of its own. The chest rising and falling. Breathing in, breathing out…the coolness, the refreshment inside was ever replenished by this motion. Some parts, were smooth and others covered with thin, black blades that were tiny, tiny and bent under the weight of my hand. Hands, I had two of them I saw. And legs. All of these were connected, parts inflexible joined by ones that bent at commands I made so subtly that I barely noticed they reflected my will.

I sat up. My sight found new colors. The blues, yellows and white, and all those in between were joined by green and brown, shades of gray and darkness. I was taken aback. It was overwhelmingly beautiful, intriguing, and dangerous all at once. I shut my eyes without knowing what I had done, the world disappeared! I opened them again, it was still there. I reached up now, realizing that there was a part of me, of this body, that I could not see. I wished to know from where my vision came, but I could only feel this part.

What is this place? And what part of it am I?

Breath in, breathe out…

Blackhawk_t · 03-22-2006, 01:07 PM

I saw you were just looking for opinions because you said you did this for fun. I actually had a hard time following this until about half way through when I realized what you were describing. I felt as if you left something out as to who the person was, why they knew what they were touching in regards to naming it, and what age they might have been at or even if they had been created like Frankenstein. This was a well though out piece, please don't get me wrong. This was a difficult piece to write, because there is so much that you are trying to portray in such few words.

Quote:

A sound now. A sound that was sharp and fast and short, a chirp.

I would watch the repitition in some of these sentences. use different words that have similar meanings, or maybe even describe it better.

Overall, it was well put together. I would recommend slowing it down. Let the reader feel as if they are learning with the person descripted. I felt as if I was rushing through it, but as you read it, you can tell they are at peace with themselves, yet subtley excited about their new discovery. Especially laying out under the clear clouds. Ahhhh....relaxing.

Okay....I just ate my own words.....I didn't read the title of Adam...so disregard half of what I just put up there.

I will read more of your work to see if I can come up with more examples. Keep up the good work.

enigmaticuser · 03-22-2006, 09:24 PM

Thanks for reading Blackhawk, am absorbing your input. Do you really think I should slow down? Or is that part of the disregard? Cause I know I'm enjoying the exploration, but as a reader I think it could be too slow? But that's why I'm trying to keep them short.

By the way, I'm catching up on your story. I read the first four, but I'll have to save the others for tomorrow. I like it though. The way you're talking to the reader, its less intrusive then when the author as narrator does, and works well for your style in that piece. I look forward to reading the rest...I want to get caught up before I make any outdated comments =)

Blackhawk_t · 03-23-2006, 02:44 AM

When I said to disregard, I was referring to who the character was. I didn't realize that it was adam being created.

When I said to slow down, I meant that this story is, I'm assuming it is, to be read and enjoyed in a slow, smooth, and relaxing exploration. It reads fast, or at least that is my opinion. It's good, please don't get me wrong, but I feel it could be slowed down, and taken in. If any of that makes sense? I hope that clarifies what I meant.

In regards to my story....Thank you for taking the time to read it and I look forward to a critique. Thank you for the compliment also.

Lumby · 04-10-2006, 10:33 PM

Actually, I have to disagree with what Blackhawk T had to say about repitition. I love repitition. I think it helps to really set in the reader's mind something important--an image, a thought, a dream, whatever else. I use a lot of repitition in my poem's but they always have a reason to be repeated. It is because I want the reader to walk away from the poem with that message repeating over and over in their head. That is the only way I like repetitiveness. But it is something you have to be careful with. Don't over use it and don't abuse it. It has to convey the proper message. Otherwise, it becomes annoying and meaningless.
As for the context in and of itself, I thought it was quite interesting. You painted a picture. One thing that annoys the crap out of me is when people try to paint a picture with flowery and annoyingly long words. The best audience to appeal to is the simple one. If you can paint a beautiful pictures in their mind with your words, simple and pure, then you've accomplished something great.

-Heather

enigmaticuser · 04-11-2006, 06:16 AM

Thanks for that Heather. I hadn't started editing these pieces, because I've put them a little on the back burner as I worked more on my Evil D series. But I probably will. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks repition can be valuable.

flower617 · 04-11-2006, 03:34 PM

very weird, but it was all cool, i loved it. good work

Rayner · 04-17-2006, 02:32 PM

Just got done, i thought that was really intresting. I think I know what this is about, but I don't want to spoil it for anyone else. Found some small mistakes,

Quote:

My body, my chest, filled with this thing, it was cool.

I think a comma should be after chest.

Quote:

Blue filled my vision, but to one side was a great disc of light. Golden, burning bright.

I think you should combine these sentences, the second seems to short to be by itself. So suggest you turn the period to a comma and make the G lower case.

Quote:

Some parts, were smooth and others covered with thin, black blades that were tiny, tiny and bent under the weight of my hand. Hands, I had two of them I saw. And legs.

Same thing, period to comma nd lower xase the A.

I liked this and I'm moving on to the next part! Hope this helped.