Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc. |
03-21-2006, 03:01 PM
|
#1
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Angels of Aurora IV: Blossom (Ch. 13)
Going in for publication.
Last edited by Oasis Writer : 07-28-2006 at 05:02 PM.
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 05:52 PM
|
#2
|
|
Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,249
|
[quote]
his long white hair with blue strands tossed behind him as well.[/quote]
Two things here... first of all- I don't think you need the 'as well'. Secondly, white hair + white cape dosn't exactly flow for me, but it's your character, so you choose.
Quote:
|
His gracious composer stood still, half his body covered in the
|
Should be 'composure', and I don't think gracious is the right adjective. Try: solemn, amiable, suave, divine
Quote:
|
His white eyes glared at Jordan soothingly while they let out the sentiment of malevolence and sorrow.
|
White cape, white hair, white eyes? Is this guy supposed to be a saint? You can always use a different thing besides white, maybe cream or something...
Quote:
|
around thee muscle to reveal his blue
|
'The', right?
Quote:
|
His white eyes examined the blade
|
Find a different adjective for white
Quote:
|
What had just happened? She couldn’t comprehend the magnificence of what had just happened. There was no way too. He had just created a weapon with nothing but thin air around him.
|
This dosn't sound good here, you don't even need it actually...
I think a simile here would be nice, instead of the adjective to describe his grin.
------------------------------------------------------+++++-------------------
Very nice, I was surprised at Ryan's transformation  , but did he just transform to get wings? Other than the few errors I caught, very good. I can't wait to see the battle  |
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 06:07 PM
|
#3
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Hey Wisp, man, your awesome. Thank you a lot. I appreciate all the help. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 08:52 PM
|
#4
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,393
|
I just found out the only bad thing about all the titles for this story looking the same, which is that I don't realize when it's a new one if I can't remember which number I'm on...
Quote:
|
flourishing behind him in the gentle wind with his long white hair with blue strands tossed behind him
|
a little repetition here
Quote:
|
illuminated in the sun light
|
sunlight can be one word
Quote:
|
her wounded arm twitching violently, as she made her way across the field
|
the comma isn't really necessary
Quote:
|
causing her apprehension in each of her steps
|
I'd take out the first "her," it sounds a bit odd
Quote:
|
each pulled as far from each other as possible
|
maybe take out the first "each"?
Quote:
|
His hand stayed lifted, his pale skin on his hand tight around the muscle to reveal his blue veins and his lengthy fingers closing into a fist, his long fingernails pinching his palm before reopening
|
Hmm... I think you could take a lot of these out, like this (for example):
His hand stayed lifted, pale skin tight around the muscle to reveal blue veins and lengthy fingers closing into a fist, long fingernails pinching his palm before reopening.
It's implied that they're his.
Quote:
|
first making a curved handle until it spiraled hastily into a silver blade that glistened in the sunlight
|
the way this was worded it seemed like this should be "they" (referring to the particles)
Quote:
|
What had just happened? She couldn’t comprehend the magnificence of what had just happened. He had just created a weapon with nothing but thin air around him.
|
where's Dephere when I need him... another bit of repetition
Quote:
|
He forcibly splintered his body into a stretch; shrill snaps filling the air before looked back upon Jordan, who was standing on the soil, far in front of him, and several feet below him
|
filled, and I think you're missing a "he" between "before" and "looked". Also, maybe take out the comma in: far in front of him(,) and several feet below him
Well that was certainly a shock. Very entertaining, and pretty nicely described Hope to see more, thanks for sharing as always.
__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.
|
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 09:08 PM
|
#5
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Thank you a lot Titania. I appreciate your help more than ever. Thank you a lot. lol - Dephere has only gotten from One to Four. lol - So, I'll here about repeatition far later. lol - Otherwise, thank you a lot. And yeah, I know the title thing is always weird and hard to determain when there is a new one if you forgot which was just posted. So, I might bold the number everyone is on. lol - Nah, it's fun watching people be confused - lol - No, I might help out a little more. And, if you notice, I use dashes when I talk, mmhmm, I'm hypocritical. I know, but this isn't a story. lol - I noticed them as well. Oh well, thank you a lot for your help.
|
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 09:10 PM
|
#6
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Boise
Gender: Male
Posts: 66
|
damn ths is kewl. man i love it. is ths the dude from the 1 chap that totally killed up people?????/????/?/?///?? kewl chapter. i love it. MORE!!!1!!!!
__________________
..._...|..____________________, ,
....../ `---___________----_____|] = = = = = = =[)
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//
|
|
|
|
|
03-21-2006, 09:13 PM
|
#7
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
lol - I'm not obliged to tell you who that character was in the beginning of the story. lol - Thank you Delta, I appreciate your comments. Thank you. I'm only posting two more chapters I believe. Thank you for reading through.
|
|
|
|
|
03-22-2006, 02:10 PM
|
#8
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: (boring, flat) Indiana
Gender: Female
Posts: 333
|
Ok, i've said this before, but it counts double this time. Or, is it triple? Can't remember. This story is awesome. It makes others wither and fall to the ground in a pile of dust.
Quote:
|
Jordan braced herself for whatever was about to happen, about it didn’t seem to her that it would make a difference.
|
did you mean although? Kinda confusing...
Quote:
|
His white eyes glared at Jordan soothingly while they let out the sentiment of malevolence and sorrow.
|
Okay, reading it again. How can someone glare soothingly? Or, in Ryan's case, something?
just had a thought. Snow can be yellow too! lol.
but very good.
Quote:
|
She stared at him profoundly as his body gradually started to lift off the soil, his body arched and lengthened violently beyond his limits until finally on his shoulder, slightly about the golden clips, two bones eroded from the shoulder plate.
|
above? around?
__________________
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahah I don't get it...
|
|
|
|
|
03-22-2006, 02:27 PM
|
#9
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Hey Jelly, thank you a lot for reading and a lot for the help. lol - Yes, I know, snow can be yellow, but it's implyed to be white. And on the soothingly, it was meant for peacefully. So, that's it, otherwise, thank you a lot for reading and I'm very glad you liked it. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
03-22-2006, 03:20 PM
|
#10
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Midwest
Gender: Female
Posts: 237
|
I didn't see any mistakes someone else hasen't already gotten to, but it was very cool. Great work.
__________________
Yesterday we shook hands, my friend
Today a moonbeam lightens my path
My guardian
|
|
|
|
|
03-22-2006, 03:23 PM
|
#11
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Thank you a lot Smaointe, I appreciate your gracious words and I'm glad you read it over. Thank you, it means a lot to me.  |
|
|
|
|
03-28-2006, 07:53 AM
|
#12
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Gender: Private
Posts: 398
|
Hey Oasis. This story has a great storyline. Nice chapter too. I don't think you need action in every bit of your story, there must be some calm parts as well and this one seems to have that.
Nice work.
|
|
|
|
|
03-28-2006, 01:26 PM
|
#13
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
Hey Jaguar, thank you a lot for your feedback, I appreciate it a lot.
|
|
|
|
|
04-14-2006, 12:49 PM
|
#14
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Nampa Idaho
Gender: Female
Posts: 69
|
This wsa the coolest chapter I've ever read. I can't wait for the next chapter. Awesome!
|
|
|
|
|
04-14-2006, 06:18 PM
|
#15
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Sailing the darkness of the Cosmos with this planet as my vessel
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,470
|
 The coolest chapter you've ever read. I think your over-exagerating, but thank you. I appreciate it a lot. Thank you. |
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:24 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
