Testament

This is a major story I've been working on for about two months now and so far it's gotten up to thirteen chapters, I'd really appreciate any and all advice you can offer!! Thanks!!






Chapter I : THE LOST CITIES

The Emerald Sea stretches from the farthest eastern corners of the Western Continent to the old Valley of Rin, since renamed after the Devastation, to the Silent Valley. The Sea, which in reality is not a sea at all but rather a giant stretch of jungle. The jungle receives it’s name from the abundance of beautiful emerald trees, giant plants with leaves that shine as brightly as their namesake. The trees are so densely packed in fact that traveling the interior of the Sea is almost impossible due to the extreme darkness and few have managed the feat though many have tried. Though it’s been rumored that it is not because of the eternal darkness within the trees but due to the beasts such as the bark stalker that prey on any and all who enter the Sea.

-Extract from Aen Sental’s “Exotic Locales of Therenar”

A lone gravcopter shot across the Emerald Sea heading east towards the great elven city of Llenarus. The capital of the Emerald Empire had yet to come into the view of the pilot but she knew that it was only a few hours away. The ship’s engines thumping loudly as it skimmed the shimmering green surface of the trees. The pilot, whose body was covered in a baggy flight suit and whose face was hidden by dark blue helmet pushed the throttle forward, rocketing the craft even faster towards its destination. The passengers in the back were three of the most noted Arcanists from the Institute for Advanced Arcane Studies, no one knew more about the magical and mystical then they. The head of the team of Arcanists, Professor Gaadan Queras was the foremost expert on Telosian artifacts and was heading with his two collegues to give a lecture on the subject in the Lords’ Hall within Jerek’s Pride. At the moment he was peering out through one of the side viewports and aiming some kind of metallic wand out at the blurred scenery, lost in thought. His two colleagues were arguing behind him, one his arms and hands gesticulating, the other calmly sitting his arms folded across his lap.

“Listen here Bren, the whole point of the Institute is to train sorcerers. Not to give every juvenile delinquent the right technique for concocting a morphing potion.”

The first a man by the name of Jaksi, cried infuriated. The other whom he had called Bren thought for a moment before answering rather ponderously,

“Jaksi, they’re children, they’re bound to set a few buildings on fire while they’re getting it right. It’s all in good fun.” He said a small paternal smile on his face.

“Magic is not supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be serious, I don’t think anyone understands that. I can’t believe you of all people don’t understand that. Magic is powerful, magic is dangerous and magic should be treated the way other powerful, dangerous things are treated. Not in the way those children are treating it, they think it’s some kind of game. Like it’s a stupid match of tag.”

Gaadan looked over at his two colleagues his brow furrowed slightly,

“Jaksi, children have to progress through the stage of fun and games, without that they won’t appreciate the world around them. You can’t be serious all the time.”

Jaksi snorted derisively.

“I take life seriously, those students should learn the same lesson. Magic is the essence of life and life is serious and difficult, sooner or later they’ll learn that. Hopefully before they get killed pulling another one of their stupid stunts. Do you know that Veronica girl? She managed to disintegrate four classrooms in as many hours. FOUR!”

The three’s bickering was interrupted as the pilot’s head came into view, the visor propped up with a soft hiss, revealing piercingly bright blue eyes and full feminine lips.

“ETA is 20 minutes gentlemen, destination is locked in. And Jaksi, could you keep it down? I can’t sleep with your constant whining.”

Jaksi blushed at the reproach but Gaadan smiled back bowing his head slightly,

“Thank you for your assistance Sera, the Institute appreciates all that you have done thus far.” And he returned to his instruments.

Sera moved back to her seat and muttered under her breath,

“Arcanists.”

Before closing her eyes with a sigh. It was moments before she dropped off to sleep again, the empty blackness of dreamless rest washing over her. The rhythmic throbbing of the gravcopter’s engines rocked her softly as she rested but that rest was not long. A few minutes later she was jolted awake by some sort of shockwave that rocked the ship. Shaking the remnants of her sleep from her mind and slightly perturbed at being woken so suddenly she looked back at the Arcanists who had been thrown into a heap with their instruments.

“What happened?” She asked loudly as she checked her console,

“Some kind of shockwave.” Said Gaadan,

“Came from the Valley.” Added Jaksi,

“Look.” Bren finished, pointing down through the viewport.

As Sera took a look herself she was met by an awe-inspiring sight. A huge city made entirely of shining, glinting metal had suddenly erupted right beneath them. It was immense, seemingly endless in its size. The buildings were almost organic in their construction seeming to flow into one another like waves.

“What in Theren’s Name is this place?” She muttered to herself.

Gaadan coughed slightly, “It’s the Valley of Rin.” He said.

“The Lost Cities, Serax and Mentas.” Gasped Bren, his amazement clear in every word.

“Telosians?” Sera said puzzled, “But the Valley has been empty for generations.”

“Well it isn’t anymore, is it girl?” sneered Jaksi pointing down at a bright flash of light beneath them. “And I think the new occupants want to say hello.”

The flash streaked by them. The smell of liquefied metal hit her. Instantly, her instincts and training took over and she turned the gravcopter, punching the throttle all the way forward. Ethereal energy poured into the refinement crystals and the craft rocketed away. The Arcanists who had not expected such sudden movement were thrown to the back of the ship clutching at anything to regain balance.

“What are you doing?”Jaksi screeched,

Sera slammed the visor of her helmet down and gripped the controls of the gravcopter tightly as the shot through the innumerable buildings as more and more flashes of light streaked by them.

“Those were not welcome fireworks, I suggest you three sit down and strap up. Now.”She answered. Quickly the three professors crawled to their seats and strapped their harnesses in, talking incessantly.

“What do you suppose that flash of light was?” asked Bren.

“It’s probably from something like a burst tower. The Dread Elves use them on the Line.”

Sera shouted, dipping the copter into the city’s lower levels. Jaksi nodded and then turned to Bren,

“That would definitely make this one of the Lost Cities then, how else would they have burst towers? The Dread Elves stole them from the Telosians during the Emancipation, no other race possesses the technology.”

As they discussed the implications of their find, Sera was weaving in between buildings, still dodging the searing bursts of light. She had assumed that whoever was firing at her wouldn’t want to risk harming their own buildings and so wouldn’t shoot if she dropped to a lower altitude. Sera realized how wrong she had been when another trio of light bursts screamed by the ship. As they sped past the gravcopter’s console flashed wildly, increasing the multitude of warning lights. Her right engine had been almost completely blown apart, the second and third refinement crystals had been shattered, and her hull was thirty percent melted or otherwise destroyed and close to collapsing. If she didn’t make it out of the city soon, there was a chance that the next hit would breach the energy tanks and cause an explosion. Barrel rolling out of the way of yet another volley of light Sera caught sight of an opening in the city and rocketed towards it. Shooting out of the main gallery of buildings she was met by a welcome sight, emerald trees. It seemed as though the structures just stopped at the edge of the Valley where it met with the Emerald Sea. As she cleared the city and skimmed the trees, another volley caught her unawares and she felt the ship rock with a final explosion before her second main engine gave out. Groaning she could feel the gravcopter begin to lose altitude dropping towards the trees which now appeared like jade knives protruding menacingly from the earth. Sera searched frantically for a clearing in the trees to try and land the ship in. The gravcopter was still losing altitude as she spotted one to her left, almost four hundred yards away. Praying to the merciful Theren that her ship could make it, Sera rolled the control stick towards it and let gravity and inertia take over. Now all she could do was wait, hope and pray. She checked the distance a few moments later, two hundred and fifty meters, and then again another moment later, a hundred meters. She could still hear the Arcanists bickering in the back; they were completely unaware of how close they were to being impaled by a tree. Sera let out a long slow breath as she gripped the control stick tightly and kept the rattling gravcopter on course towards the clearing. The bottom of the ship sank into the trees as they came upon the opening in the trees, tearing metal and wood. Several branches came through into the passenger compartment, piercing through several of the hull plates and coming up next to the Arcanists. Jaksi yelled in fear and shrank towards the back of the ship staring in horror at a branch that had erupted about six inches from his face. The worst of it over, Sera positioned the copter as best she could and held the controls steady as the craft ploughed an immense furrow in the earth and came to slow stop. Sera let out a long slow breath and ran her fingers through her hair before checking on her passengers. Looking back, she found that they were shaken but alive, Jaksi had managed to reattach his scowl and was now sitting arms crossed at the back of the ship. Kicking the door to the pilot’s seat open Sera stumbled out into the clearing trying to calm herself and get her bearings. They were in obviously hostile territory, she had three academics to baby-sit, and a completely useless gravcopter. And then she remembered; all gravcopters came with comm. crystals that could be used to contact the Temple. Thanking Theren for finally allowing some good fortune, Sera moved towards the gravcopter and grabbed the crystal from inside the pilot’s compartment. Activating it, she was suddenly aware of a whistling sound coming from above her. Dropping the crystal on the seat Sera jumped out of the wrecked gravcopter and looked up. Just as she moved away from the ship it was consumed by a gigantic column of blue fire, the ensuing force of the explosion knocked both her and the three Arcanists back to the edge of the clearing. In moments the entire ship and everything in it, including the comm. crystal Sera realized, was gone. They were stranded, and there was no way to be certain that the Temple had ever received an alert from her. Sera groaned, putting her head into her hands muttering.

“Rin be Damned.”

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'The Time has come' the Walrus Said, 'To speak of many things. Of Sailing Ships and Sealing Wax. Of Cabbages and Kings. And if the Sea is boiling hot, or whether Pigs have Wings.'

Adept

I enjoyed reading this, there are only two bits that stand out as needing something done to them (but, as ever, I only offer my opinion)...

"including the comm. crystal Sera realized" - this seems unecessary to me, I would personally have it as something along the lines of Sera dropping the comm. crystal when she gets blasted back and allow the reader to assume it is lost, or have something brief of her looking for it in the wreckage.

"The Sea, which in reality was not a sea at all but a giant jungle" - feels incomplete, the "which in ~ jungle" feels like it should have a comma after it rather than being the point of the sentence, it seems like something you could put brackets round (which I am in no way suggesting you do, just trying to example how it sounds to me).

Other than that I shall await the next chapter!

Titania

I've been meaning to get to this... welcome to the forums, by the way. I'll point out the things I see first, and a warning, I'm a bit of a grammar person and this will probably turn out to be long, but I mean only the best.

confusing to have "eastern" and "western" in such close succession

Is Silent Valley what the Valley of Rin was renamed? Right now it reads like they're two separata places. One way you could fix this might be:
to the old Valley of Rin, since renamed the Silent Valley after the Devastation.

its

maybe add some commas here, and I'd change "though" to "although":
The trees are so densely packed, in fact, that traveling the interior of the Sea is almost impossible due to the extreme darkness and few have managed the feat, although many have tried.
The commas just make things a little clearer, but this is opinion as always.

I'd write this out: it has... that way it just sounds a bit more formal

comma before "heading"

needs to be "thumped"

missing an "a" before dark blue helmet, and needs a comma before "pushed"

comma needs to be a semicolon

needs a comma after Queras, and I believe collegues should be colleagues

the bold phrase doesn't seem necessary. By telling us that he's gesticulating we can presume that he's using his hands.

commas after "the first" and "the other" and "Bren" ... and maybe "cried out, infuriated"?

either He said with a small paternal smile...
or
He said, a small paternal smile...

comma needs to be a semicolon

comma before "his brow"

I'm picky about commas, because it has a lot to do with how readable things are. A lot of the ones you don't have are in similar places.

comma needs to be a semicolon

comma before "she looked back" and "who had been thrown"

The Arcanists, who had not expected such sudden movement, were thrown to the back of the ship, clutching at anything they could to regain balance.
The "they could" is just suggestion, I think it makes more sense that way

Barrel-rolling, and coma before Sera

a lot of -ing words, just something to think about... and re-punctuated:
Groaning, she could feel the gravcopter begin to lose altitude, dropping towards the trees, which now appeared like jade knives...

bit of repetition

comma before Sera

I liked the unique combinations of elves and sci-fi here, it had a nice original feel, and the Arcanists and magic sound interesting. It really was a nice read, aside from of course all my commas... hope you don't mind my pointing them out, they really can help make things clearer rather easily. I'll try and get to the next chapters soon. thanks for sharing!

__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Testament

I appreciate any and all critiques. Especially in the realms of grammar seeing as how I have little to no ability to discern the proper, place of commas. Thanks for the help! I've gone back and made a lot of changes since this draft, so a lot of these problems have been smoothed out. THANKS!!

__________________
'The Time has come' the Walrus Said, 'To speak of many things. Of Sailing Ships and Sealing Wax. Of Cabbages and Kings. And if the Sea is boiling hot, or whether Pigs have Wings.'