Demon Tales - Writers Forum

bheid1.01 · 03-21-2006, 03:40 AM

a couple of short stories that was made from the same concept, along with an introduction. enjoy:

*first one deleted due to overwhelming crap-ness*

bheid1.01 · 03-21-2006, 03:40 AM

Lane’s tale

Being a demon, work at a fast food restaurant didn’t appeal to Lane. He sat on the bus, covering his eyes, his pupils lit up with fire through rage. He clenched his fist, trying to control his emotions before some mortal got blasted. Blood trickled down his finger nails as he cut into his own flesh. The bus was nearly there, but he thought he would explode until then, only one murder and no physical assault. Elolzah might as well have castrated him, with no way to vent his rage; he began chewing at the inside of his mouth.
The bus stopped, as it reached his destination, a hundred paces from the bus stop was a fast food restaurant by the name of 'McDonalds’. he would loath it here. The place was situated next to a supermarket, near some marshes. It was remote enough for him, although he didn’t doubt he would have to serve hundreds of fools. He walked towards his future place of employment, and wondered what made Elolzah think of such travesty.
He entered the room and felt sick. The smell was putrid, there were babies crying and consumers were seated on chairs, wolfing down their food. He walked towards the counter, trying his best to extinguish the flames in his eyes.
"I have an interview with the manager." said Lane.
"Okay, come around the counter, he’s in his office, make sure you knock first." said the serving slave. "What’s up with your eyes?" the man leaned closer over the counter to look into the fires.
"Nothing” Said Lane harshly, with a fair amount of contempt.
"Whoa!" the man jolted back as the flames reached new heights, and Lane took a deep bite into the inside of his mouth.
Lane walked stiffly behind the counter, chewing up his mouth and gulping down the new source of moisture that came forth from it. He knocked on the door with a gentle bash, and the manager signalled him in like a headmaster does a naughty child.
The manager stood up from behind his desk. The room was a sharp contrast from the serving portion from the store; this part had some class, but not a lot. There was an American flag in the corner, and many empty coffee cups on his wooden desk. "ahhhh... Mr Lane? A bit older then I assumed."
"Yeshh." Lane spluttered, covering the managers white shirt with blood. The room went silent. The manager firstly looked down at his soiled shirt and then at the blood dripping from Lane’s chin.
"Wha...?" the manager started, before Lane put his right hand through his chest. The room was still silent as Lane tried his best to get his hand all the way through to the back of his torso. The fires in Lanes eyes went out, and he began to chuckle as the man started to struggle and generally make noise. With his hand fully inside the mans body, Lane pushed himself forward and head butted the man violently, the man stopped making noise.
Lane withdrew his hand, and let it hang loose, letting the blood drain onto the corpse. He lifted his left hand under his right, trying to stop blood getting onto the floor while looking for a way to clean up. Lane smiled as he walked forward; standing next to a tap he cleaned his hands with the American flag. The water could've been blessed, and that stuff burns, he smiled at his own excuses.
Lane stood over the body and closed his eyes. The body blackened, and disappeared into darkness; the darkness dissipated and attached itself to Lane’s shoes. Lane opened his eyes and inspected his new body; he wished the man shaved more often when he scratched his chin. With amusement, he realised he was now the manager of a McDonalds restaurant. Whoop-de-doo.
Lane approached the filing cabinet, opening it up; he took out this month’s paper work and placed it onto his desk. Lots of revision had to be done if this was to work.

It was two o'clock by the dead mans watch, and Lane sighed and closed his eyes trying to work out where hundreds of pounds a month in profit went. But then it came to him as he sensed something, a sin, theft. Someone was stealing something from his restaurant. His. It was the staff, they were stealing from him. His eyes reignited with rage, as he realised were the black hole originated from. Lane got up and slammed the door on his exit from the office, with a look of pure fury on the dead mans face, he marched towards the staff. Seething, and trying to pin point where the sin had came from. It was the teenage one, still putting money into his pocket as the consumer turned his back. Trying his best not to destroy him, Lane placed both his hands on his shoulders and flipped him around so his face faced his.
"You! You are stealing from my store!" Lane shouted into the mans face, poking in him the chest with his index finger with every syllable. “My store!”
"B- but...” the man stammered. Lane pushed him onto the counter and put his face next to his, with only a few inches between them, they were breathing the same air.
"Silllenncccee!" shouted Lane, directly into his face. The mans pupils shrank as the fires in Lane’s eyes glowed with anew ferociousness, the mans eyebrows started to singe, as though burnt.
The man stared directly into the fires "wh- what are you?" said the man, trying to free himself from Lanes grapple.
"I’m you're boss!" Lane bellowed, putting strain on the last word. After a few seconds of staring into the man’s face, he realised the entire restaurant was staring at him. He straightened up, and looked around the store. Three other staff members were emptying their pockets of stolen money, and the entire place was silent, even the babies. "Now fill out this P45." Lane said, slamming the document into the counter. He turned around and headed toward the office.
The man ran in panic, bursting through the door with complete urgency. After a few seconds the rest of the staff took off their uniforms and headed towards the exit, not in such of a hurry, but fearful none the less. After the last of the staff left the building, the customers left, nodding their heads in disagreement and confusion, they left in single file until it was just Lane, sitting alone in his office.
Lane panicked, with his cover blown and his attempts to merge into society failed, Elolzah would surely destroy him. He turned on the lights, trying to figure out a way to save his hide. Lane noticed there were no shadows where there was supposed to be, instead, the shadows converged into the centre of the room, forming what a figure.
"Relax..." said a voice, Lane noticed it wasn't Elolzah's and sighed a sigh of relief.
"Death! How are you, buddy?" the shadows took the form of a man in a tie. The tie was black, and he wore a black blazer with standard black trousers, the shirt being the only white clothing on him.
"Well, I'M fine, but I can see you're in a bit of a pickle." death laughed. "Oh, and I need that soul you're wearing." death waved his hands towards himself, and a shadow appeared from Lanes foot and entered deaths torso within an instant,
"Hey!" Lane objected, with the illusion now gone, he took his original form, and his mouth started to hurt.
"You know that murdered souls go to heaven, right?" death chuckled again as a glowing source of light zipped through him and ascended the roof of the office.
"Is there something you wanted?" said Lane, his patience, naturally short, was winding down further.
"It’s about that pickle I mentioned earlier, I can help you get out of it."
"No you can't, Elolzah’s gonna destroy me."
"Maybe you can destroy Elolzah instead?" said death, leaning forwards.
"I’m listening..."

Lane was outside, his hand firmly wrapped around the gemstone that death had given him. It was a long shot, but it was his only chance of survival. He searched the streets for a mortal, anyone with a soul and not in a pack. He smiled as he saw a perfect target: a lone woman walking towards the shopping centre, right next to wild areas of bush. She seemed to be in a hurry and was walking fast, so Lane dropped the gem into his pocket and ran. Seconds later, he was in range and wrapped his arm around her neck, dragging her into the wild and ignoring her startled screams. Lane dragged her to the ground, ignoring her thumps to his chest as he did. There was no white in Lane’s eyes, only fire. Fire that was reflected by the whites in his victims eyes as he pushed her head close to his. His victim stopped struggling; her eyes now mimicked his fire, burning with their own flames. Satisfied, Lane looked at the stone in his pocket, which glowed with white light.
"That wasn't very nice, now was it, Lane?" said a voice behind him. "Give me the soul, and I’ll destroy you quickly." it was Elolzah, he'd sensed a second death, one more than allowed in his sick experiment.
Lane got up, and brushing himself of, he responded "sure, I’ll give you the soul. take it!" he threw the gem at Elolzah, who simply ducked and watched the gem smash on the pavement outside the wild, realising white light, that hovered, waiting for its ferryman.
"tsk… You thought that could trap me? You disappoint me, Lane." Elolzah walked towards him, nodding his head in mock disappointment.
"Fuck you!" shouted Lane; he punched Elolzah viciously, making his face jolt to the right. Lane shouted in pain as his knuckles burned into ash, and settled near the legs of his female victim. He grabbed at his wrist as the ash spread, disintegrating all of his hand. It sped up and took his entire arm before he could even blink. He looked at Elolzah with shock and hate. "You bastar-" was his last words, as the ash took all of his body, spreading across all body parts and disintegrating them in seconds.
A voice came out of nowhere, making Elolzah jump slightly. "Shame, I used to like him." Elolzah stopped guessing as the soul departed for a nearby shadow.
"Me too, me too." Elolzah sighed as he unzipped his trousers and started to urinate on the former demon.

bheid1.01 · 03-21-2006, 03:41 AM

Tyrinius’s tale

Tyrinius shuffled down the streets, scuffing his fine shoes as he walked. He had to get a job, but he had no idea what, and what's worse; if he fails Elolzah will destroy him. He cursed his former friend, looking around, seeking inspiration. He would need a job where a demon would fit in, where a force of pure evil would simply slide in with society. He looked left and saw a police officer holding a speed gun. Tyrinius smiled, that was it.
Speeding up to a stride, he approached the road where the police officer stood. "Excuse me, sir, I need your attention. A crime's been committed in that alleyway!"
the officer put the camera away, and turned his attention to the demon.” what type of crime?" he said with suspicion.
"You’ll see when you get there! Come on!" Tyrinius started to run towards the aforementioned alleyway, the officer joined him.
When they were at the ally way, the officer inspected the scene, finding nothing, he turned back towards Tyrinius. "well?"
Tyrinius smiled, and replied; "murder". He grasped his hand around the officer’s neck, chocking his startled cries. Fire came forth from his entire hand, burning and peeling away the mans flesh and bone until he was completely decapitated. His head didn't reach the floor when it fell; instead it turned into pure darkness and joined into Tyrinius shadow, along with the rest of his body. Tyrinius inspected himself; a nice uniform, baton, but no gun, damn English. It was probably for the best anyway. The man was slightly shorter than himself, and under normal circumstances he would have 'gone shopping' for bodies.
He now had two options, pick up the speed gun and continue routine work, or he could simply search for sins. Tyrinius smirked at the first idea, and promptly closed his eyes, and started to search. Murder, it would be commit soon, and think what Elolzah would say if he saved someone instead of murdering them! Not to mention a promotion in the force! Tyrinius started to run in the direction he had sensed the oncoming sin. It was across the road, past the major highway he had found the officer, but no problem, he could evade them. Approaching the road, he took a great bound and smashed onto the bonnet of a passing blue car, smashing the window screen and starting up the motorist who promptly started to swear at him. so did the other three motorists whose cars he used as stepping stones, as he leapt to car to car, making the engine steam in protest and stopping traffic. At least he didn't hurt anyone, Tyrinius smiled as he turned his head, inspecting the damage he had caused to the motorway.

It was a warehouse, a warehouse with many black cars parked outside. Tyrinius expected a mafia killing, but no matter, murder was murder. As he walked toward the emergency exit, the left side of his uniform caught on fire. Tyrinius looked to his left, seeing a man with a gun, who, confused at his survival, began shooting several times. The bullets simply burnt up in Tyrinius's protective fires. "You’re..." the man shot again, and Tyrinius's hair caught on fire.”Under..." another bullet ignited his feet. "Arrest!" a bullet hit his torso, and now Tyrinius grew horns. Another made his entire being blaze up in fire, making the wood of the warehouse smoulder. A black darkness escaped Tyrinius's shadow, and a tail started to grow from the back of his spine. The man screamed in terror and ran the opposite way towards the roads. Tyrinius smirked, and plucked a flame from his body, he threw it like a baseball at the man, which instantly hit its target and disintegrated him under its heat.
He walked towards the door, not bothering to open it, the metal simply melted away like ice under his heat. Wings stretched out from the flame, coming into view from nowhere, and Tyrinius started to fly. There was a firing squad at the back of the warehouse, lined up against the wall, aiming to shoot a blindfolded man.
Tyrinius, a flying blob of flame, caused a silence where the entire warehouse stared at him. Men where dotted around, three of which still had guns pointing at the victim. "You’re under arrest!" Tyrinius growled in heavy bass. The only thing which broke the silence after that was the flapping of Tyrinius’s wings, which made the air wavy with heat.
Everyone shot at him with terror, but the bullets simply burned up before they touched him. "Put down your weapons!" still, they shot at him. Tyrinius put his arm up, raising the palms of his hands. Fire came forth, which enveloped the men. Instead of disintegrating them, these flames simply burned their clothes, trying to kill them slowly.
Tyrinius landed, and his wings folded back out of sight. He waved his hands as to extinguish the flames, which went out obediently.
"Yes! I did it!" he roared striking the wall next to the victim with his fist, making the warehouse shake. He lifted the mans blindfold, letting him gaze upon his savoir. The man looked at Tyrinius, still aflame, and then promptly died of fright.
"Are you suicidal or just stupid!?" came a voice behind him. The flames around Tyrinius extinguished, and the horns and tail sank back into his body.
!"Elolzah!" he jumped, with a aspect of real fear in his voice. "Oh... yeah... I had the best of intentions, really!" he said, looking down at his feet. After a few seconds of silence he looked around and tried to count just how many corpses there were in the warehouse.
"Well, I suppose I can't destroy you because of that, then...” Tyrinius sighed in relief. But Elolzah started to smile "I am, of course, lying."

Damn.

Black_ghost · 03-23-2006, 11:18 PM

Arg, three stories. Well i'll comment as i read them, so i go out of style...yeah.

The first story...

I thought i had a good idea going, but the way it was written really turned out to be bad. The choice of words, the style and the over use of Paul really did make me hate the story before i got to the second half.

At least the second half did pick up. Though i felt that the style changed so much so, that i think you must have written it in different times or something. The humor of the second half was good, but that ultimately turn off the story for me though. If you wanted to use it, you should have also used it in the first story, making the reader want to read onwards.

The second story...

Way better than your first story. I like the humor from the start. That was a freshing story, to say the least. The characters were better developed in this story than the first. Also, your writing style was better here. The transitions were better moved, instead of wildly jumping from one to the next.

The third story...

Haha. It was your best one. Though the humor wasn't as high, it did hit your story best. It was well done...wait, that's not saying anything useful is it?

The character develop ok, as well as the second story. The story flowed like the second one, also. Easy to understand and nothing to hide, if i could say. But what really made the third one the best, was the fact that the demon had a sense of personality in him. That's what lacked in the first one and the second one. The simple act of letting them die slowly, really gave the demon a personality. Still, you can increase this, and give them all more personality, instead of killing machines. how do they kill? Do they savor their kill or rather treat it like an X-box game? haha.

All in all, i can say that the three stories had a funny idea behind them. Though they did lack the dept of humor that could have made them ever better, they did manage to not be total kill beat stories.

Henry Hunter · 03-24-2006, 04:32 AM

I like the idea of these stories, and they are entertaining. But one thing that is lacking is more background information. Why are these demons being forced into this experiment? A little background on each demon would help bring them to life. These two basically seem to be the same. Perhaps some could be more mischievous and funny, and others could be more serious and hateful, perhaps even expressing sorrow and self-loathing. I think if this idea was taken a little more seriously, with some religious references thrown in, that would be awesome.

Rayner · 03-24-2006, 07:51 PM

Mwa-ha-ha-ha, that was funny. I can see a demon working at McDonalds, in fact I think they really do hire them for managers...
I did not get to see the intro, maybe you can rewrite it one day. Now this is not really big mistake, just some thing thats a little confusing.

Quote:

Originally posted by Bheid1.01
Lane was outside, his hand firmly wrapped around the gemstone that death had given him

Is Lane still in his true demon form, or is still in the managers form, because didn't he lose it when death took the mangers soul? So I'm not sure what form Lane is in.
Any way thats not a huge deal, I missed the first time. I liked the dark humer in this story.Are you going to continue it? Could be funny to see a demon as a lawyer... Hope this helped!