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Originally Posted by Jaguar
Also, I will fix the mistakes you picked out.
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Hmmm. Before or after you reposted? B/c look what I found again.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The echo of crushing leaves rang into the deep night sky. A hooded figure ran down the outer reaches of a shattered sanctuary, passing the rugged and crushed walls and pillars. Behind him, several sets of footsteps hounded his trail. He continued down the cobblestone path and turned quickly behind a steeple, which had been fractured nearly in half. The others neared the steeple to meet their downfall. The figure flashed down from the top of the broken steeple and swung a huge golden staff at the figures. Light blazed throughout the entire area and lit the darkened ruins. The beings all froze and the figure stood and watched as their bloody, deformed skulls and their black clothed bodies dropped. With his face covered in his hood, the blue hooded figure turned around and walked away from the demons that he had slain. The leaves once crushed were walked upon again as the figure latched the golden and scarred staff to his back and returned to main areas of the torn sanctuary.
The moon by now had passed further in the night sky, peering over a huge wall of dark clouds. Light bounced from the tops of the clouds as it appeared like the heavens, and shone toward the ground where the hooded figure stood.
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Man, you've gotta do something about that b/c it makes it one tough read. Just go ahead and call him the cleric. I'm assuming he's the cleric since the story is called that and he carries cleric stuff. I can see you're trying to keep him a mystery, but there's really no need to, especially at the expense of having "the hooded figure" 40 times in a paragraph.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The figure was about 6 feet tall, in a large blue robe with his golden staff attached to his back. The sides of his robe were bulgy and filled full of items.
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My advice is to combine these sentences. "...in a large blue robe filled with items and a golden staff
secured to his back."
Attached to his back makes it sound like the staff is part of his back. And even though it's easy to combine those sentences, I think that it needs to be expanded upon. "items" is vague and boring. What's he got inside that robe? If you want to stick to the mystery of who "he" is, then you could describe some of the items to hint that he's the cleric, like a Bible/holy book, potions/holy water, etc.
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Originally Posted by jaguar
From the front, he appeared as the Death himself, with the blue hood that had been torn at the front, shadowing over his face making it completely dark.
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Two things.
First, "the Death" makes no sense. Just Death. But I wonder what makes him appear as Death besides the tattered hood? There are more things that would have to be presented about the "figure" to give that reader the impression, other than just saying it. Plus, why does a cleric (I'm still assuming he's the cleric, so if not, disregard) look like Death? Clerics are healers and holy men.
Second, a shadow over a face and having it completely dark are different. A shadow is a dark shade, but you could still see some outlines of his face, while complete darkness would yield nothing of his face. Gonna have to pick one.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
With large steel-bottomed boots and panels of light armor around his lower legs, he stopped and the sound of metal shaking stopped. He looked up with his face still not revealed and looked down the long and leaf-filled cobblestone path to a church. A candlelight rages in the windows as the bell softly weeps.
The man kept walking slowly on the cobblestone path.
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Whew, lots a things wrong here. All right,
first, separate the first sentence into 2 parts. They make no sense by being together.
Second, "stopped" is repeated 6 words later in the first sentence.
Third, "his face still not revealed", there's no one to reveal it to. You can only "reveal" something if there's someone who doesn't know about what you're revealing. I think you're putting this for the reader, again for the mystery of the character, but you don't need to. The reader is already aware that the "figure" has a hood. Fully, completely aware.
Fourth, where I've indicated in red, the tense changes in the middle of the paragraph. No where else do you have present tense in your story, so just change the tense back to past. Also, I don't think "rage" is how you describe candlelight, especially since, when reading on, the "figure" seems to be rather far away from the church.
Lastly, the last sentence, the man "kept walking slowly", but at that point you have the man stopped. That's what the sentence before says, so he can't keep walking if he hasn't begun walking again.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
A man such as him appeared not to have time for petty things, just an attitude for hack and slash battle and black magic.
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I'm sorry, but this sentence is just stupid. It gives the "figure" zero character. Say something like his mind was only focused on battle and or magic or something. Or cut it out, that would work too.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
Soon, the figure neared a hill travelling down a valley to the church.
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While ago, the man was looking at a candlelight through a window in the church, but now you have him at a hill. Maybe you should say "the man crested the hill" or something. But then again, now he's in valley. Valley's are usually vast. So how could he have seen a candle from so far? You've got to think more about the placement of your character. It has to be logical so the reader can believe what's going on.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
Something then struck the man in thought.
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"A thought struck the man."
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The church bell was ringing consciously and constantly, while gaining volume.
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I don't think "consciously" is the word you're looking for. Just cut it, constantly is enough. And can a church bell change in volume? I always assumed it was all or nothing.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
In swift action, he hauled off the golden staff and dashed down the hill.
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"hauled off" isn't a very good description for removing the staff from his back. Just say he pulled, or grabbed, or something simple.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The sound of the bell was not sounding clearly as it was swinging witlessly in the steeple and it occasionally missed.
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"missed" what?
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The entire structure fell off the side of the church and crumbled to the ground. The bell beat its way through the wooden steeple and thumped on the ground, now as silent and dead as it could get. While behind the large oak tree, the man then loss himself in thought as he sat.
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The way you describe the bell falling is done well. But didn't the man just come from some ruins where a steeple was nearly destroyed? After I got to this part, it was as if he walked a long ways only to come to the same place. Also, it should be "lost" in thought, not loss. And really, that's about all the "figure" seems to do in this story is walk, dash and get lost in thought. He needs to be more dynamic, more interesting.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
While running along the side of the church, the stained glass, beautifully coloured windows shattered and the fragments shot in all direction like bullets.
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Stained glass from a church
is beautifully colored windows. Also, when using a simile, you have to use it within context of the story. Does your world have gunpowder and firearms? If so, then yes, like bullets is fine, but if not then it doesn't work.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
a large and deep demented voice said as it echoed in night.
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"demented" is a state of mind, not a way to describe a voice. At least I don't think so. You also used "echoed in the night" several times in the story so far.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
The man was forced into lifeless matter and was sealed inside one of the pillars.
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"forced" is kind of awkward. I can see him being forced into the pillar. I'd take out the "lifeless matter" part and just say he was sealed inside the pillar.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
the blue beads hanging down.
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You've mentioned the beads before, but the reader doesn't know the significance of them, and where are the haning from besides down?
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Originally Posted by Jagaur
Within minutes he arrived at the ruins and walked near one of the pillars. He examined it and seen an area that appeared to have a drawing etched on it before.
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At this point, I'm completely confused as to what ruins the man is at, which one has/had a man stuck in a pillar, which steeple is broken, which glass was shattered and which one had a demon in it.
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Originally Posted by Jaguar
He continued down a whole new path
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I felt like you had to say "whole new path" because you were aware of how many paths the man has been taking.
Overall, it felt like the story was over here, then over there, just all over confusing. You've got a lot of work to do. I think you've got a really good idea of where you want your story to go, you've just got to do a better job of getting there. Also, I think you could probably combine all three sections into one. At least the second and third section, b/c they do much of the same thing.
The Cleric
