Words In Motion

Short of breath, the maiden slowed her pace in attempt to sneak a glance at her pursuer; nothing. Her run had now become a slow walk. Frantically, clearing her eyes of sweat and tears, she began taking in the area. Little light broke through the forest canopy, making it difficult to seek out shapes. Noticing nightfall was nearing, a sense of urgency pained her chest. A deafening calm was about the air, giving way only to the beat of her heart and burdensome pants. Her mind raced with despair as she knew this brief moment of rest was owed to a lack of strength to go further; I must hide.

Before she can gather her thoughts and make sense of her surroundings, birds began flying haphazardly about from the trees as if to give off warning to those afflicted with legs and bound to a life on ground. Her panic hastened. Off to her right laid a spread of bushes offering shelter, though inclined, fear struck feverishly throughout her body, guiding her to a near by Red Oak where she’d sit clutching her knees awaiting her impending doom.

This is what I started with...my first real attempt at writing anything...is it a decent start? Any suggestions are appreciated. Excuse the formatting, I'm still adjusting to the forum.

Titania

Hi there WIM, nice to see you posting again The formatting looks perfectly fine, by the way.

Allow me to point out some specifics (this will probably be rather long, my critiques always are. I hope this is what you were looking for, and I will try to give my overall impressions at the end):

I believe this would be more clear if you said in an attempt to
I think the way you were intending to convey her thoughts was a little odd... mainly due to the way it was punctuated. I would simply do this:
...the maiden slowed her pace in an attempt to sneak a glance at her pursuer. Nothing.
Since it's so short I don't really see the need to italicize it, and a semicolon doesn't quite work there.

Is this sentence really necessary? You already said she slowed down.

Lol... when I read "burdensome pants" the first thing I thought of were the articles of clothing, not breathing, so you may want to reword that somehow.

Again, here I would try this:
she knew this brief moment of rest was owed to a lack of strength to go further. She had to hide.
Of course, this is just suggestion. I tend to avoid italicizing like the plague.

Uh oh, a few tense problems in the 2nd paragraph, you switched between present and past a bit.
should be could and she sat to keep with the past tense

on the ground, maybe?

This whole last sentence was a bit confusing, especially the "though inclined," I'm not sure what was meant by that.
laid should be lay, and unless the red oak is exceedingly special for some reason (ie that's it's proper name - not just the type of tree it is) it shouldn't be capitalized.

All that said, it seems a decent enough beginning, although it's certainly hard to tell much as to where the storyline is going from so little a portion. There were some errors, but they were either minor or I was being picky... if I'm inclined to point out nuances that generally means your writing is good to start with because otherwise I'd be busy with spelling / grammar. I look forward to seeing more from you if this is any indication of your ability . Thanks for sharing, and hope this helped!

Edit: also, in the future you might want to say something about the genre, or something unique to the piece (a title, if there is one, etc.) in the title. Things tend to get more replies that way.

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Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Words In Motion

Thanks for the reply...

Ok, let me explain a bit.

The reason why I used italics were to convey that those were her thoughts. Is that bad writing etiquette or technique? I wanted the reader to understand that I was detailing the scene and at the same moment have the reader understand those were her exact thoughts as well. I guess this was me looking for a technique I can be identified with...is this a bad idea?

I'm fairly confident that my punctuation and editing skills have to be worked on a great deal, so please, be patient with me

I also agree with you on the second paragrah, as I did not proof read...wanted to get something out to the public

Quote:
Her run had now become a slow walk.
Is this sentence really necessary? You already said she slowed down.

Yes, now that I think of it, you are right. I guess I got caught up trying to hard to pace the scene...and began detailing a bit to much.

Quote:
Off to her right laid a spread of bushes offering shelter, though inclined, fear struck feverishly throughout her body, guiding her to a near by Red Oak where she’d sit clutching her knees awaiting her impending doom.

By writing "though inclined" I wanted the reader to understand that she considered the bushes but in fact was forced into a submissive position due to fear. Again "Red Oak" among other mistakes were errors I would've picked up had a proofed.

I also appreciate your compliment.

I was simply looking to write without a means to detail an entire story just yet. My purpose for doing this is so I can get early guidance...and your reply helped a great deal! I will take what I've learnd, revise, and continue on.

Thank you.

Titania

To address a few of your concerns:

I'm sorry if I gave the impression this was wrong! Yes, italicizing is a very common method of designating a character's thoughts; however, I personally would advise against using it unless absolutely necessary... and if you do want to show thoughts that way, especially in this case, I would simply make them a separate sentence.

I suppose you could say the thought thing is a personal prejudice of mine, so take that suggestion as you will and certainly feel free to disregard. I hope I made some sense, at least.

I couldn't figure out what the "though inclined" was referring to, so thank you for clarifying. You might say something like: though she was inclined to hide within them [the leaves], her fear stopped her... -- just something that makes it clear what that means. When I read this I first thought the leaves were inclined, which didn't make much sense.

And for the record, your punctuation and grammar are far better than many I've seen - very good as a whole in fact - so don't take the relatively long critique as discouraging.

Glad to help

__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Words In Motion

"I'm sorry if I gave the impression this was wrong! Yes, italicizing is a very common method of designating a character's thoughts; however, I personally would advise against using it unless absolutely necessary... and if you do want to show thoughts that way, especially in this case, I would simply make them a separate sentence."

I'm curious, why does this method affect you so? I thought it was actually a clever way to express the characters thoughts while involving the authors story telling all within the same moment. WIll it really confuse most readers? is that why you strongly suggest to do other wise?

Again, thank you for the compliment...your detailed critique has only encouraged me.

Marsieux

Hmm, I like the use of the semi-colon, though it's technically incorrect. To use it correctly, you need to have each sentence be an independent clause, which the second is not. I know you're trying to connect thought with action, though according to rules of grammar, you've done it incorrectly. However, I am not discouraging the use, as I instantly knew what you were trying to do with it. Nevertheless, I believe it can be handled better. Try using dashes or perhaps one line paragraphs. I'm not familiar with the OS on this site, so I don't know how to give examples very clearly. Sorry.

The beginning of the second paragraph doesn't make sense. "Can" is not an appropriate tense of the word. You should use the world "Could." It's a very basic mistake even the best writers sometimes overlook, so don't fret about it. Just be sure to edit your work after you've finished in order to make sure there aren't any of those holes.

Now for a big rule: Never use the words "as if" to describe a scene that is unfolding unless you're comparing that scene to something that is not directly related to what is occurring. You see, things aren't happening "as if" they were actually occurring, they ARE occurring. You've made that part very distracting, bringing the reader out of the intensity of the moment. Build the intensity and work with it. Use examples from books you've read to help spark ideas in your diction that you can use for scene structure.

Next, it seems you're telling this story from an entirely passive perspective, not an observing perspective, which is definitely needed in this piece. You're TELLING the audience what's happening and how the girl feels, not letting the reader SEE it happen and unfold before them. You need to immerse the reader in your piece and world, which this piece, at the moment, does not do.

Lastly, you have some other mistakes in simple word choice. The word "near by" is actually just one word, "nearby."

My advice: It seems to me that you are a fan of fantasy, as you elude to that in your word choice: maiden, for one. Having a maiden being "pursued" is definitely a Damsel in Distress situation, which is definitely fantasy. If I'm wrong in that assessment, disregard it. But that's how it seems to me. As a fan of fantasy myself, take a few books and read the different approaches authors take to incepting their worlds. These are some prime examples that you can use to study perspective, scene structure, diction, and the descriptions used. Compare Robert Jordan's "The Wheel of Time Series" with Paolini's "Eragon." You'll instantly be able to see the difference in structure and how descriptive Jordan is against Paolini's passive approach. If you want to go further, examine Stewart's Arthurian Saga (The Crystal Cover, The Hollow Hills, The Last Enchantment) to Goodkind's "Sword of Truth Series." (Wizard's First Rule). In my opinion, Jordan is the best writer of the group, but use those examples to expand your own writing talents. Keep working and Good Luck.

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"You see, there's no place for you in my world."
"Then I suppose I'll have to make my own."

Words In Motion

I'm still learning how to use this forum an their tools, so I haven't properly quoted anyone just yet...lol...bare with me.

"Hmm, I like the use of the semi-colon, though it's technically incorrect."

I to agree. You see, I believe that being "techinallly correct" can sometimes ruin creativity or technique. I prefer to deliver my words in a manor that I visualize ideas in my head. In any event, I know my attempts still need to be fine tuned.

"Now for a big rule: Never use the words "as if" to describe a scene that is unfolding unless you're comparing that scene to something that is not directly related to what is occurring."

Again, I agree...thank you.

Yes, I'm writing fantasy...with Terry Goodkind being of major influence...Wizards First Rule happens to be one of my favortie books.

One question...take a look at this revision...

"Before she could gather her thoughts and make sense of her surroundings, birds began flying haphazardly about from the trees giving off warning to those afflicted with legs and bound to a life on ground."

Should I plave a comma between "trees giving"?

Titania

(by the way, to quote you can use the little tan button on the top of the reply box that looks like a dialogue bubble)
I agree completely with wanting to have the character's thoughts, I just prefer to work them in in some way that's more creative than the standard italics - partially because nothing aggravates me more than seeing a page of a book covered with large blocks of italics. Again, this is all opinion, so don't feel that you need to agree with me.

Have to agree with you on Wizard's First rule, by the way

and as for your last example, I would put a comma there...

__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Words In Motion

"I just prefer to work them in in some way that's more creative than the standard italics - partially because nothing aggravates me more than seeing a page of a book covered with large blocks of italics."

Actually, I only plan to use italics in the aforementioned manor. When it comes to straight forward dialogue, there will be no italics. You see, that's why I used the italics in that instance...to make it apparent it was the characters thoughts.

So, my pages will not be filled with italics.

Marsieux

According to the rules of grammar, you should put a comma in between "trees" and "giving," and it would make sense and help the reader. So, yes, I would do it.

As for the revised paragraph, it's better, though a bit wordy and doesn't quite capture the intensity of the moment. I don't feel panicked or worried, though your character might. It's tough to get that across, I understand, but I don't quite get it from that piece. Let me try my hand at it. I know I sound very critical and you may not like my piece, but I'm only writing it in the short span of time I have here before I have to go. Allow me to re-write it and see if you like it:

"Her heart thumped forcefully inside her chest, heaving it up and down as her breath raced off her lips. She quieted herself with a collective gulp of air, taking slow deep breaths as she straightened up, dusting off her skirts. She took a look around, taking in her surroundings. Yet, her heart stopped; she whirled around. The sound of birds' wings beating against the air alarmed her as the fowl fled safely into the night's sky.
(Somebody's here!)
Her legs tumbled one over the other as she ducked into the foliage nearby. She was lucky to not have leaped into a thorn bush as she would have screamed aloud, but she might as well have. The pounding of her heart rang incessantly in her skull and echoed ominously through the night air."

I have an issue where I use too many pronouns in a sentence, so you may find fault in that, but now you actually feel her panic, you become her, you become panicked. That's what your piece is lacking is the raw emotion portrayed to readers and applied to them. Spice up the sentences, let us live your world and your adventure.

In closing, I don't try to be overly critical. I critique because I see potential. You have a talent in writing though talent alone will get you nowhere. You need to work at it and never stop working. Take my advice if you'd like or take it with a grain of salt if you'd rather. Don't let my advice taint your story if you beleive that is what it does. The story is yours, so make it your own. I am just offering my opinion as to how it might be better.

My best wishes and regards,
Marsieux

__________________
"You see, there's no place for you in my world."
"Then I suppose I'll have to make my own."

Oasis Writer

It seems I'm late to this story: Oh well. I can still comment. I agree with what's been said, the semi-colons were, although nicely put around, were wrong to use. I would have used a : (colon). I would have used one for every semi-colon you used that had italics and speech after it. It would have been grammatically correct I believe. Otherwise, you have a nice start and I am sorta drawn to want to read more. I hope you continue to post. Nice start, good work.

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Words In Motion

I have to agree again on many points. I originally thought I could've went into more detail, thing was, i was trying to use this as a measure. You see, I believe that I tend to over do detail and worry that I might bore the reader.

There are a few questions that have been answered for me already, especially regarding run on sentences. I don't want to plague my sentences with comma's...that's a a sound way to go about it?

ebmadman

What's up WIM, read your short and I like the imagination of it. It clearly gave a setting of the scene for the reader. Pretty nice. I can't point out any problems that haven't already been pointed out, except maybe lessen some of the descriptive sentences, too many may lean you over to the repetitive side. This is in the vein of work that I attempt to write in, so reading it felt familiar. I liked it.

Oasis Writer

Make them shorter instead. You shouldn't worry about over-detailing your story. Write it for you and continue to let it grow. The reader will enjoy knowing what's going on, while leaving a lot up to the imagination instead of just saying: The car drove to work. The day continued. He drove home. He slept. If the whole story was like that, what do you learn? The story is crap then. Detail and write it for you. Now, with comma's just use one or so. Most the time, you can end the sentence instead of a comma and just start another sentence when the subject has changed. If that makes sense. If it does, then your far more ahead of me then I am, because I don't know what I just said.

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Words In Motion

One thing I enjoyed a greadt deal about Terry Goodkind (Wizards First Rule), was that he used detailed sentences that were full with rich literature...I find myself in the same shoes...I would write in such a manor...thing is, I want to make sure I don't over do...

Thank you...I will have much more to read by the end of the weekend.