Fallen Angel- Prolog - Writers Forum

Smaointe · 03-12-2006, 09:52 PM

Well, I don't have my computer, and I'm sharing with my sister. Because I'm not smart, I didn't send any of my work to my computer so now to keep me entertained I've started a new story. Now, I didn't work very hard on this, or very long. So tell me what you think.

Prolog

“I am one the first of my kind to make any record of what my life has been like. For nineteen years of my life I have kept no record, and have spent every given day trying to forget what I've seen, and what I've done.

For over twenty-five hundred years, we haven't changed our beliefs; or how we handle them. As long as a king ruled us, we have been around to save people from the lies he spread.”

I stopped talking there and shut of my recorder, I took a deep breath, and leaned back against my chair. I smiled, noticing I was playing with the ring on my finger. I looked around my tiny two-room apartment. You never would of known at one point there were three of us living here. I wiped the tears off my face, and turned the recorder back on; I was going to tell this story no matter how long it would take.

“Most people were born into this life. I was no acceptation, I might have been more prepared, if I would of known my parents. But all I knew from them was a notebook they had left me. From the time when I was five until I was fifteen I lived in twenty-three different homes.

Then one day I left, I doubt they ever missed me, but I spent the next two years living, anywhere someone would take me in. Until, one day, I peeled beck the cover in my notebook and found the letter from my parents.

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 10:05 PM

Hey, just came in to check this out...

Let me point out a few things...

Quote:

I am one the first of my kind...

This is not needed, just get rid of it...

Quote:

I am one the first of my kind to make any record of what my life has been like. For nineteen years of my life I have kept no record...

I don't really like the repetition here, I would change one of them...

Quote:

I stopped talking there and shut of my recorder...

Should be "off"...

Quote:

You never would of known...

Should be "have"...

Quote:

I was no acceptation...

Should be "exception"...

Quote:

...I would of known...

Same as before...

Quote:

But all I knew from them was a notebook they had left me.

Hm, this seems awkward, how about:

"But all I knew about them came from a notebook they had left me."...

This was pretty good, sounds like an interesting read and it's a good start. The only things I caught were little, but it's hard to tell without a little momre writing to judge.

Titania · 03-12-2006, 10:10 PM

Sounds like a very intriguing start, especially for something you haven't spent much time on.

For my usual grammar/ spelling nitpicks:

First... isn't it Prologue?

Quote:

I am one the first of my kind

I am one of the first of my kind

Quote:

For over twenty-five hundred years, we haven't changed our beliefs; or how we handle them

the semicolon should be a comma

Quote:

As long as a king ruled us, we have been around to save people from the lies he spread.

the verbs don't agree here, I think maybe:
As long as a king has ruled us, we have been around to save people from the lies he spreads.

Quote:

I stopped talking there and shut of my recorder, I took a deep breath, and leaned back against my chair

I stopped talking there and shut off my recorder, taking a deep breath and leaning back against my chair.

Quote:

You never would of known at one point there were three of us living here

2nd person (you) is usually a bad idea. Try something like this:
It was impossible to tell that at one point three of us had lived there.

Quote:

I was going to tell this story no matter how long it would take.

no matter how long it took

Quote:

I was no acceptation, I might have been more prepared, if I would of known my parents. But all I knew from them was a notebook they had left me.

I was no exception, but I might have been more prepared had I known my parents. All I knew of them was a notebook they had left me.

Quote:

Then one day I left, I doubt they ever missed me, but I spent the next two years living, anywhere someone would take me in. Until, one day, I peeled beck the cover in my notebook and found the letter from my parents.

repetition of 'one day'... repunctuated:
Then one day I left. I doubt they ever missed me, but I spent the next two years living anywhere someone would take me in

As I said, very interesting beginning

Thanks for sharing and hope you get your computer back!

Ah, Deph got here before me and got some of this.. sorry for repeating anything

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 10:16 PM

Off Topic:

Haha, Titania, I finally beat you to one.

Wisp · 03-12-2006, 10:19 PM

Quote:

For nineteen years of my life I have kept no record, and have spent every given day trying to forget what I've seen, and what I've done.

For over twenty-five hundred years,

A little repitition here, it was noticible to me. Maybe you want to change it.

Quote:

I stopped talking there and shut of my recorder,

off. (typo)

Quote:

From the time when I was five until I was fifteen I lived in twenty-three different homes.

23 homes!? What were they like?

Looks good so far- but I think you should maybe add a little more detail, since he/she seems to be crying. I like it though, and I wonder what the letter said...

Smaointe · 03-12-2006, 10:22 PM

Dephere, Titania, Wisp, thank you for the help, and kind words. It's much appreciated. I"m sure it is Prologue Titania. There's no hope for my spelling is there? lol.
Thank you all again for the help.

Oasis Writer · 03-12-2006, 10:23 PM

Hey Megan, good start so far, I like it. But, there isn't a lot here to go into an in depth review. As for Dephere, he caught all the same I did, but I found a few more that should help you.

Quote:

I stopped talking there and shut of my recorder, I took a deep breath, and leaned back against my chair.

Okay, Dephere hit here, but I wanted to help a little. Of needs to be off, and now, right after the comma on recorder, the I, get ride of that. It flows better and there's no need to repeat the I. If that makes sense. We already know the person is doing that, so it makes it flow easier.

Quote:

From the time when I was five until I was fifteen, (comma) I lived in twenty-three different homes.

Just the comma to make it flow easier.

Quote:

Until, one day, I peeled beck the cover in my notebook and found the letter from my parents.

Okay, two things. One, I'm guessing beck is suppose to be back. And at the end, I think you should either put quotation marks after it, or get ride of the ones in the second to last paragraph. You only have one pair and didn't close it. So, a second " needs to be placed.

Other than that, Dephere caught all the small things. It's a good start and different, which is very good. I hope to see much more.

Oasis Writer · 03-12-2006, 10:26 PM

And darnit, I got here in second and pull out fourth.

Sorry Smaointe.

Dresdor · 03-13-2006, 04:02 AM

Just a title note: "Fallen Angels" is the title of a popular novel about Vietnam, and your title is close enough to cause some confusion.

darthwader · 03-13-2006, 08:10 AM

Why am I always late to arrive at these things *shakes a fist at Titania and Dephere*

Well I can't add anything here since everyone else has pointed out all the errors, so I'll just say that this is an interesting start to your story. I see a lot of potential here.

Smaointe · 03-13-2006, 10:39 AM

Oasis, that's all right, Titana and Dephere are fast aren't they.

Dresdor, thanks I didn't know about the title. Would if be easier if I found something else to call it?

Darthwader, you don't have to add anything, It's nice that you liked it.

I know I don't give a lot of information, and that's because I have no idea where this story is going. I make it up as I go along.

Thank you for the help and comments.

Dephere · 03-13-2006, 10:43 AM

Off Topic:

Sorry guys! Titania and myself just can't help it, we have to critique, it's our calling.

Cold Twilight · 03-30-2006, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe

For over twenty-five hundred years, we haven't changed our beliefs;
(here, you might want to change your semi-colon to a comma)
or how we handle them. As long as a king ruled us, we have been around to save people from the lies he spread.”

I stopped talking there and shut of (off) my recorder, I (take out the 'I') took a deep breath, and leaned back against my chair. I smiled, noticing I was playing with the ring on my finger. I looked around my tiny two-room apartment. You never would of known (that) at one point there were three of us living here. I wiped the tears off my face, and turned the recorder back on; I was going to tell this story no matter how long it would take.

“Most people were born into this life. I was no acceptation (Um, this would be 'exception', unless you mean he was accepted into something), I might have been more prepared, if I would of known my parents. But all I knew from ('of', not 'from'. If you want 'from', then say something like: All I had from them was a... etc) them was a notebook they had left me. From the time when I was five until I was fifteen I lived in twenty-three different homes.

Then one day I left, (semi-colon instead of a comma) I doubt they ever missed me, but I spent the next two years living,(take out this comma) anywhere someone would take me in. (put these two sentences together. Makes better sense that way) Until, one day, I peeled beck (back) the cover in my notebook and found the letter from my parents.

Well hope this helps...lol. Looks good so far. Intriging and all.

Smaointe · 03-31-2006, 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cold Twilight
Looks good so far. Intriging and all.

Oh, intriging, don't anyone's ever described my stories as that. Cool, lol, thanks for the help. I really appreciate it.