Republic of Sorrow (Pt.4 - Fantasy) - Writers Forum

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 05:14 PM

Author's Note:

Hey, finished part four! Hope ou guys like it, although I think it may be my weakest part yet....

NOTE: Links to other parts in sig.

Cythera trudged through the snow, the white obstacle making it a struggle for her to go home. She had told Musdeth today that she couldn’t keep coming to her tutoring sessions, there just wasn’t anytime or any money now that her father was gone. Aiesha, her aunt, had taken her in, but it was only temporary; Cythera planned to leave Breishun as soon as she could, the town too stifling for her to stand, and now that her parents were gone she had no reason to stay.

If only her brother had been there to help her, but no, they had taken him not two days after her parents. Just thinking of it made her eyes water, but she forced the sorrow out of her mind, setting her eyes back to the path in an attempt to forget about Ralion.

The brown tinge in the snow hinted at the dirt that lay beneath the fresh powder; however, it still remained beyond visibility. Cythera’s fire-hardened leather shoes had already been soaked through, a shocking cold attempting to claim her feet. The line of trees that acted as a dual-sided wall, caked in its usual layer of snow, was just a few paces in front of her. The familiar sight gave her the resolve to push her tired muscles onward.

Aiesha would be waiting inside the warm house, a fire blaring in the pit and hot Echinacea tea ready to drink, but even these comforts seemed to do little to fill the void in her heart.

Branches appeared to be reaching for the young woman as she walked in their midst, battling the base of the tree so that they might reach out a little further. The thought made Cythera shiver. The decreasing amount of light made the innocuous trees look ominous.

Cythera’s pace quickened in irresolute fear, but then she slowed, chastising herself for her childish behavior.

A snapping branch resonated through the air. Cythera abandoned all her inhibitions and ran in a flurry of fright, the snow resisting her attempt at freedom. Leg muscles worked double time to facilitate her escape, but something hit her, tackled her with an immense amount of force. She fell to the ground with a shriek of displeasure, the frigid snow cooling her face with unbearable efficiency.

What now? It had gotten her, captured her, left her helpless on the ground.

Her loss of breath upon impact was only followed by silence. Silence. How odd it seemed to be caught in the static movement of time, fear claiming her body, while a hushed sense of peace thrived at the same moment.

She slowly turned, brushing the snow from her face as quickly as she could, only too happy to be rid of the freezing material. When she saw who stood above her, her breath left once more.

Aiesha.

Long red hair was pulled up tight behind her head, smooth features contorted in an urgent manner. Cythera always felt a bit inferior next to her aunt, that supreme figure outshining her own with a beautiful brilliance. It also made her realize that she was not truly a woman yet, her own breasts sorely lacking where Aiesha’s seemed to excel.

“Shh,” Aiesha’s almond-shaped eyes revealed her sense of subtlety, “they’re here.” That said it all. The Republic had reared its ugly head once more. Hadn’t they done enough? The thought of them coming to claim Aiesha made her sick.

The house still remained outside of Cythera’s view, but she could hear the clamoring voices of the Republic’s Agents, scouring the house for any sign of occupancy.

“How’d you get away?” Cythera asked in the quietest voice she could muster, hoping she did not endanger their position. Aiesha shot a vindictive glance towards Cythera, offended that the girl would threaten her safety. Aiesha shot her hand into the air in a plea for silence. Cythera could do nothing but oblige her.

Her aunt turned, waiting expectantly for Cythera to follow. Cythera gathered her bearing and stood, pushing herself up from the snow as silently as possible, cringing with each soft sound that escaped the vicinity. When she stood her aunt continued, disappearing into the thick trees that had seemed to taunt Cythera moments before. Just as she was about to disappear herself she heard an indignant shout.

“OVER HERE!” Apparently one of the Agents had made their way away from the house in their search for Aiesha. Cythera ran for the second time that day, the fear more potent when she realized the Republic was chasing her.

Titania · 03-12-2006, 05:40 PM

Part 4! How terribly exciting...

Quote:

there just wasn’t anytime or any money now that her father was gone

maybe:
there just wasn't any time or money now...

Ok, this is going to be picky, but I think of snow and slush as being two completely different things, and slush, for that matter, is most decidedly not white. Slush is mushy, brown, and covers everything in Anchorage during break-up...

Quote:

Cythera planned to leave Breishun as soon as she could, the town too stifling for her to stand, and now that her parents were gone she had no reason to stay.

Cythera planned to leave Breishun as soon as she could, as the town was too stifling for her to stand and besides, now that her parents were gone she had no reason to stay.

I'm trying to remember... how old is she?

so Ralion's her brother!! -interesting development, that

Quote:

The brown tinge in the snow hinted to the dirt that laid beneath the fresh powder

Hm, ok but I still say slush is not fresh powder, slush is melty and semi-liquefied. Aside from that, I think to should be at and laid needs to be lay.

fire-hardened

Quote:

The line of trees, caked in the usual layer of snow, that acted as a dual sided wall was just a few more paces in front of her

This sentence was just odd... hm. dual-sided I believe, and maybe:
The line of trees that acted as a dual-sided wall, caked in its usual layer of snow, was just a few paces in front of her.

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but then she slowed chastising herself for her childish behavior

I'd but a comma after "slowed"

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the frigid snow cooling her face with an unbearable efficiency

I'd take out the "an"

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It had got her, captured her, left her helpless on the ground.

had got?!? lol sorry that just sounds so wrong...um, had gotten her, maybe?

Quote:

When she stood her aunt continued, disappearing into the thick trees that had seemed to taunt Cythera moments before. Just as she was about to disappear herself she heard an indignant shout.

Hm, this part was a bit... different. I don't know about weaker, but it had a different feel, especially after the two parts about the dungeon and the evil overtones. I would like to know how old Cythera is, just because I don't think we've ever been told specifically or if we have I don't remember. In my mind that has a lot of effect on how she reacts. This was nicely written of course, most of what I caught was small things - and sorry about the very specific complaints about snow, but it's something you might want to think about. Thanks for sharing

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 05:48 PM

Hey...Yeah I didn't like this part as much, you can say: It was the weakest. lol.

Slush was definitly not the right choice, I just needed another word and it popped into my mind...I didn't want to keep going...snow, snow, snow...but I'll go back and change that.

As to Cythera's age...She's about 16 or 17, but she thinks she's much older much older and really it's not too far strectched that she would be ready to set out on her own.

No need to apologize! Thanks for reading and judging by your reaction I may scrap this whole scene and start over on it...

Titania · 03-12-2006, 05:52 PM

I'm just picky about my snow words...

She's 16 or 17? Really?... Part of the reason I asked was because I was curious since I had her in my mind as at most maybe 14, if not younger...

I don't mean to be discouraging, sorry... it wasn't bad by any means, it just felt a bit strange to me, like it didn't quite fit somehow.

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 05:54 PM

Really...I don't know why...She isn't in the dungeon so I don't think the underlying tone of evil was needed, but how else did it not fit in?

Again, no need to apologize. I really appreciate honest opinions.

Titania · 03-12-2006, 06:02 PM

I'm not really sure... certainly it doesn't need the same tone as previous... in fact I just read back through all 4 parts again trying to figure out what it is, but I can't put my finger on it. I guess one thing might be that since there wasn't much mentioned of the climate or much description of the location in the other parts, I wasn't convinced it was taking place as all the other ones, in which case maybe you could just go back and add a few hints in prior sections?

Does that make any sense at all?

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 06:04 PM

I get what you're saying, but in the initial part I said she was watching the snow fall into the pale sea and all that crap. lol.

The dungeon is somewhere else entirely, but I did establish that this part of the story was set in a cold climate. I guess I may have to make that more clear.

Titania · 03-12-2006, 06:06 PM

Lol, yeah, that's true. Maybe I'm just completely oblivious. Nice job anyway.

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 07:09 PM

YOU.......

Titania · 03-12-2006, 07:26 PM

Wisp · 03-12-2006, 08:13 PM

I guess I am terribly slow today... Anyways:

Quote:

She had told Musdeth today that she couldn’t keep coming to her tutoring sessions, there just wasn’t anytime or any money now that her father was gone. Aiesha, her aunt, had taken her in, but it was only temporary; Cythera planned to leave Breishun

Nice names

Quote:

setting her eyes back to the path in an attempt to forget about Ralion.

Sounds a little weird to me. Maybe reword it.

Quote:

Cythera’s pace quickened in irresolute fear, but then she slowed, chastising herself for her childish behavior.

Slowed is okay, but if she is scolding herself for being afraid, why not have her stop, then continue on again. (Just an opinion)

Quote:

It had gotten her, captured her, left her helpless on the ground.

This whole sentence needs to be redone, I think. I know the multiple her's are for effect, and not repitition, but it just sounds weird. The had dosn't seem to be right, and if it had captured her, why would it leave her helpless on the ground?

Quote:

“Shh,” Aiesha’s almond-shaped eyes revealed her sense of subtlety,

Nice

Quote:

Her aunt turned, waiting expectantly for Cythera to follow. Cythera gathered her bearing and stood,

Bearings.

Nice job overall, revealing that the Repubilc wishes to hunt down Cythera's family, and her. Also good intro on the aunt. I too thought this was a little lackluster in the action catagory, compared to the others, but it was written well. I assumed this was just a filler/info part of the story. Thanks for writing.

Dephere · 03-12-2006, 08:26 PM

Yeah, kind of filler info part of the story, but I tried to make it interesting. After all I can't have every second of the book be pure action, people would get bored with it. lol. Kind of a contradiction...

Thanks for reading, Wisp, I appreciate it a lot....and I will go and fix all that you caught!!!!!

Wisp · 03-12-2006, 08:33 PM

No problem Dephere, glad I could help.

CZ · 03-14-2006, 12:41 AM

Hurry up and write Part 5* please

This is quite top-notch stuff. If you don't mind me doing an overall critique, the only real problem I have is that you're introducing quite a few main characters. Ralion, Huntel and Cythera have a lot of potential, but be sure that you back it up... I think Huntel could be fleshed out a little more (bit more desciption, maybe some more internal monologue, maybe a flashback "...this prisoner reminded him of the time he..."). I get the feeling he's evil, but unless you want to keep us guessing, he's gonna need a little more work to earn his slot in the story. For instance, why is he on a firstname basis with the king? Tiny details like that are important... that having been said, I know it's a first draft still!

Also, kudos for having a minimum of typos and formatting errors. That's not something you see every day on WF.

*link it in your sig for lazy people like me, please.

darthwader · 03-14-2006, 09:18 AM

I know what it's like to post something that you consider to be the weakest part of your story (you've read Bad News, so you know what I'm talking about) but this was still pretty good. Not exactly spellbinding, but in a way it was good to have a change of pace.

There's no shame in having a few scenes in your story that aren't as exciting as others since... well, (I think I've said this to Titania too) it is impossible and impractical to keep a constant level of excitement throughout an entire book.

I don't really have any criticisms here, so I guess I'll just wait for part 5.