Republic of Sorrow (Pt.4 - Fantasy) - Page 3 - Writers Forum

TheReMonstor · 03-20-2006, 01:45 AM

It's quite funny. Everytime, I read your story Dephere, I gather all these corrections and things I'd like to comment on, but then I read the next post and it's more often than not, Titania...who catches EVERYTHING! And then I'm at a loss for something to say. Um...

I did, after reading the discussion about the trees and snow and stuff, wonder why Cythera was off the beaten path. I would think that there would have been a road or something leading to her aunt's house...I know I'm stretching, but I had to find something!

I really liked how you had Cythera grow scared, try to fight it, then end up running. It's very human. I've done that before. My room is several feet from my bathroom and in between the two is a large room and at night, the old imagination conjures up some crazy thoughts in the dark, so sometimes I hasten (lol, yea, I sprint more like it) to my room. That scene was a nice look at Cythera and gives her great character.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

Aiesha shot her hand into the air in a plea for silence.

The way I took this, I saw Aiesha (whose name reminds me of that creepy video of that weird kid singing on ebaums world, have u seen it?) putting her hand in plain sight and I thought that maybe the troops would see it. I think the hand should be directed more towards Cythera then just into the air to give a better sense of placement.

Overall, still solid. I don't know why you'd have to rewrite it, just expand on it.

Dephere · 03-20-2006, 07:25 PM

Hey, thanks a million!...

About the beaten path, that is sort of a road, but it only goes to one house, so it isn't often traveled. The logic there is that it wouldn't be a full fledged road.

Hehe, yes, fear gets the best of me sometimes as well, especially when I'm home alone at night.

Hm, that's an interesting point, I will work on that.

Oh, yes, I've seen that video, BTW...but on newgrounds...

Here's a link I think you should check out, it has to do with ebaum.com...or whatever that site is...

http://newgrounds.com/portal/view/276616

Anyway, thanks!

Daniel Malone · 04-01-2006, 07:17 PM

The story is dark and depressing and I would add more of an ending. I think the first and fourth scene need tied together a bit more. It could be me reading in sections as the problem.
I will read this all together to see if it is my mistake.
I hope I never have to live like this!

Dephere · 04-01-2006, 07:31 PM

lol. It's supposed to be dark and depressing.

But it's not an ending, I don't know why you thought it was. These are only the first four parts and the rest unfortunately will not be posted, because I plan on publishing....This time I actually have an interested publisher guys!!

THANKS AGAIN!!!

Jaguar · 04-08-2006, 08:53 AM

Nice story Dephere.. Characters are named nice, storyline is great. You are a great fantasy writer.

Jag

Dephere · 04-08-2006, 12:03 PM

Thanks Jaguar, I'm glad my hard work is appreciated. It's funny, when I first started posting here I couldn't find a story that would please anyone, now I've hit two in a row. I hope the streak continues.....

Ruben · 04-14-2006, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Hope ou guys like it,

I bestow you with shame!

Is this the last part? I hope not, because then I'm totally left wondering. Again, it flows great and it well written, and no grammatical errors. Is it the last? Can't be...

Cold Twilight · 04-14-2006, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

She had told Musdeth today that she couldn’t keep coming to her tutoring sessions, there just wasn’t anytime or any money now that her father was gone.

The word I bolded needs to be split up...lol. 'any time'

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

The brown tinge in the snow hinted at the dirt that lay beneath the fresh powder; however, it still remained beyond visibility. Cythera’s fire-hardened leather shoes had already been soaked through, a shocking cold attempting to claim her feet.

The semi-colon should probably be a comma, and the 'a' needs deletion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

(The sound of)? A snapping branch resonated through the air.

It seemed kind of awkward...reword it perhaps? Just a suggestion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

When she stood(,) her aunt continued, disappearing into the thick trees that had seemed to taunt Cythera moments before. Just as she was about to disappear herself she heard an indignant shout.

Hmm, just needs a comma added, and perhaps change 'herself' to 'as well'? That is, again, only a suggestion.

I love it up to here. I'll work my way around the rest of the story. I've read all of it, but I'll to come back to edit...lol.

Cold Twilight · 04-14-2006, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

lol. It's supposed to be dark and depressing.

But it's not an ending, I don't know why you thought it was. These are only the first four parts and the rest unfortunately will not be posted, because I plan on publishing....This time I actually have an interested publisher guys!!

THANKS AGAIN!!!

Whoa! I just noticed this. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

*war dance of victory*

Dephere · 04-14-2006, 01:34 PM

Thanks both of you guys....

Ruben - *hangs head in shame* As to this being that last part...Well, it's the last part I'm posting, but not the last part to the story. I'm going to get this published! Look at what Cold Twilight quoted...

Thanks again and again and again and again...I think you get the point.

Cold Twilight - Hey, thanks for pointing out some more of my little things...hehe. I just can't seem to get rid of all the little buggers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cold Twilight

I love it up to here.

YAY!

Oh, thanks for the congratulations, I'm still crazy excited myself.

Ruben · 04-14-2006, 03:20 PM

(you lucky f*ck...)

No seriously

You earn it so much! I'll buy a copy

*thinks about how you must feel; saliva drips from mouth*

Dephere · 04-14-2006, 07:58 PM

YAY! Another potential buyer. lol. I'm crazy stoked about it all and believe me I know how you feel. I used to hate people when they said they were getting published. Okay, not hate, but was like, "Oh, good for you!", but thinking, "You should die so I can take your place."

Thanks again...

PAGEMASTER · 05-02-2006, 12:45 PM

Congratulations!

Your story simply leaps of the pages, a wonderfully written and well thought up story, I expect to see 'no.1 best seller' on the front cover. I envy your talent, and again I say congrats

Dephere · 05-02-2006, 12:49 PM

Wow! Really?

That's nice to hear...are you just buttering me up?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by PAGEMASTER

Your story simply leaps off the pages,

That's what I really like to hear. Sometimes I get worried that my writing is hard to get through/boring, so I'm glad it wasn't.

Thank you for reaing, Pagemaster, I appreciate it.

PAGEMASTER · 05-02-2006, 12:55 PM

These four parts are anything but boring, they're exciting, your characters are so life-like; the way you describe their emotions, their movements, you capture every essence beautifully, a very well done.