Republic of Sorrow (Pt.4 - Fantasy) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Dephere · 03-14-2006, 09:52 AM

Hey, thankk you both very much...

CZ - Well if it isn't my favorite user himself. lol I very much want you to keep guessing about Huntel and specifically why he calls the king by first name! That's a biggy...well, kind of. It just shows how powerful he really is.

Thanks so much for reading, and I appreciate the compliments!

Oh and put the link to part 5 in my sig.? Um, okay! I always put the links in my sig. so you've got it!

Darth - Thanks for that...That's what I thought as well, but nice to hear it from someone else....

I'm off to school right now, but I promise I'll get to the next part tonight....

kalibantre · 03-14-2006, 04:58 PM

erm..

horrorshow.

Dephere · 03-14-2006, 05:20 PM

lol. You're one hell of a droog, Kal.

Oasis Writer · 03-15-2006, 12:15 AM

Hey Dephere. I'm fully caught up, woohoo! So far, holy crap man, you are quickly tying everything together while leaving so many strings unattached. Very good, your leaving very little room to foreshadow though, in my opinion, but with this mystery, it's working great for you in my opinion. I want to know more about this Republic, and you're leaving it really clear that we won't get to know until about the time when you decide to end it on the Forums, huh.

A Dark Men Incident!

Okay, only a few things, just opinions, as always. Hope they help.

Quote:

She had told Musdeth today that she couldn’t keep coming to her tutoring sessions, there just wasn’t anytime or any money now that her father was gone.

Okay, on that comma that's bolded and red, I think that that should be a period. It seems that it flows better, instead of keeping that sentence going.

Quote:

Aiesha, her aunt, had taken her in, but it was only temporary; Cythera planned to leave Breishun as soon as she could, the town too stifling for her to stand, and now that her parents were gone, (Comma) she had no reason to stay.

Okay, same as above. I think that you can end it with the semi-colon instead of having it. Seemed to flow better with me, and then the comma in the end.

Quote:

The brown tinge in the snow hinted at the dirt that lay beneath the fresh powder; however, it still remained beyond visibility.

Still, I don't think is needed. I think you can get ride of it and have it flow nicely just the same, or fit a better word of some sort instead of still. Otherwise, it doesn't seem to really need to be in there.

Quote:

Leg muscles worked double time to facilitate her escape, but something hit her, tackled her with an immense amount of force.

Double time, I think should be double-time.

Quote:

It also made her realize that she was not truly a woman yet, her own breasts sorely lacking where Aiesha’s seemed to excel.

Okay, this will be a longer explaination. Now, on this, although I found it rather fitting for the mood of a male, and a male's point of view, I've found out by past trail and errors, not many woman compare themselves by age or being a complete woman by the size of their breats. While it would work for a male crowd, the female's point-of-view will probably decline that measure. So, I think you either might want to continue on with why she doens't feel like a full woman, like mind-sets and so on, or maybe edit that. Just an opinion. I honestly don't know, so maybe I'm completely wrong, but that stuck out and I thought I'd point it out to you.

Quote:

The Republic had reared its ugly head once more

Ugly head seems a little bit more childish of sorts in your writing. lol - I don't know, actually, it works fine but stuck out to me. And maybe that's good, maybe not, but just pointing it out that I know you are a far better writer and could have described easily the feeling that she got when they returned. BUT HONESTLY, it works just fine.

Quote:

The house still remained outside of Cythera’s view, but she could hear the clamoring voices of the Republic’s Agents, scouring the house for any sign of occupancy.

I think still should be was or something. Still didn't seem like a good word to use here. You could probably take it out and have it work just as well.

Quote:

When she stood, (Comma) her aunt continued, disappearing into the thick trees that had seemed to taunt Cythera moments before.

Just a comma.

Quote:

Just as she was about to disappear herself, (Comma) she heard an indignant shout.

Just another comma.

Quote:

Apparently, (Comma) one of the Agents had made their way away from the house in their search for Aiesha.

I believe a comma should be there. This one, I think is opinion, but I believe it should have one.
_______

Otherwise, stellar as always. Your an awesome writter and you're improving every chapter. Good work. Very.

Dephere · 03-15-2006, 09:45 AM

Hey, wow man, you caught a lot.

lol. Thanks, it really helps when you do that. Hopefully I'll be able to catch with your story soon!

I still need to fix all the stuff people presented me with in these last two parts, so I really appreciate it...

Oasis Writer · 03-15-2006, 11:38 AM

Anytime man, you got an awesome story, and I'm more than happy to help. I hope to see part five soon. I still got about another 100 stories to catch up on, but your stories catch top 10 when they come up. Good work man, and don't worry about how much I caught, just little things.

aliceedelweiss · 03-15-2006, 03:15 PM

I give you the honor of my 500th post! and Dephere, I just found this! I didn't even know it was up here! why not tell me when you put stuff online? you know I like reading

I really liked it, but I just noticed in this one (why does it take me so long?) that your descriptions of everything seems to slow down the action for me...everything seems to happen in slow motion. Like in the scene where she trips and its her aunt? It seemed so slow...I don't know. That just me and my little opinion. Other than that, still good as always, I can't wait for next installment! Will you PM me when it is online?
Alice

Dephere · 03-15-2006, 03:22 PM

Hehe, Okay, I will be sure to PM you from now on...I just didn't want to annoy anyone.

Yes, when something action oriented happens I try not to go into too much depth, but nothing really warranted action for me in this section...I guess I should take that into consideration anyway...

Thanks for reading!

Blackhawk_t · 03-18-2006, 01:06 AM

Well, as usual, I got here late. I like how you are setting up the main story line, and distilling a little fear into the readers of how dangerous this republic is. Critiquing wise, most everyone nailed it before I got a chance to read it.

I will say one thing though:

Quote:

Long red hair was pulled up tight behind her head, smooth features contorted in an urgent manner. Cythera always felt a bit inferior next to her aunt, that supreme figure outshining her own with a beautiful brilliance. It also made her realize that she was not truly a woman yet, her own breasts sorely lacking where Aiesha’s seemed to excel.

I see a little bit o'porn startin to develop here. Maybe not, but that's what sells in books. Her aunt is stacked.....makes you want to read more.

Good work with this chapter.

Dephere · 03-18-2006, 01:21 AM

lol. Thanks for making that really huge.

I guess that appealed to you. hehe.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it...No need to point out bad things.

I'm very happy with the praise!

Blackhawk_t · 03-18-2006, 01:35 AM

When you're married, a lot of things appeal to you that didn't before.

Danny77 · 03-18-2006, 05:25 PM

Didnt like this as much as the other parts. I dunno why though, lol.

"Aiesha shot a vindictive glance towards Cythera, offended that the girl would threaten her safety."

I dont know if offended is the right word...maybe "alarmed that she might threaten their safety." Your call.

Dephere · 03-18-2006, 06:30 PM

I don't like it as much either. lol. But thanks for reading and that offended...I was struggling there and i knew someone would pick up on that. I will change it to alarmed.

Thanks!

Crypt · 03-18-2006, 11:45 PM

Cool..Cynthera's story is pickin' up a bit.. This was a good read.
I'm not sure I understand why her aunt knocked her down..unless she's mean or something..but..no-one else pointed that out, so there's a good chance that's just my bad..uh..readingness.
Good job, and I'll watch for more!

Dephere · 03-18-2006, 11:51 PM

lol. She knocked her down as a way to stop her without yelling. Cythera was going to walk right into where the agents were...Guess that would seem kind of strange if you didn't get it.

Thanks for reading all of this man, I appreciate it. You've been with me right from the beginning of Dark Men...Thanks!