Hoot08

This is the Prelude to a novel I am writing. Tell me what you think
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He slipped down the torch lit avenues, his steps quick and silent. Like a moth to the flame he moved from shadow to shadow, his eyes doing a quick scan of the vacant streets of Le’Chare Port. Though being just a step away what pedestrians there were he still managed to go unnoticed.

Kelnozz watched the activities along the streets. Merchants began to close up their colorful displays; some pleased with their fortunes, others hoping for better luck tomorrow. Men walked direct routes to their favorite taverns while women made their way home to their shanties. The never ending crashing of waves against the high docks seemed to block out all other noise, other then the unrelenting sound of drunk banter.

The magically lit torches brightened after the sun slipped farther down the horizon, but Kelnozz didn’t need the light, he was an elf. His infrared vision allowed him to translate the subtle traces of heat so that he could see them as clear as day. It was the one perk an elf had when dealing with humans, the ability to see things one a mortal never would.

Kelnozz did not mind living in the human city of Le’Chare, in fact he had grown to enjoy it. His skills had brought him wealth and station he could have never hoped to have gain while he lived in Vale’lioth. The day he entered the crime filled city of Le’Chare Port, guilds vied to see who would gain possession of him. All that mattered was the highest bidder. Kelnozz quickly found himself a place in the Tenor Guild, a place of high importance, second lieutenant.

Hugh Williamson was the guild master of the Tenor Guild and provided Kelnozz with not only never ending funds straight from the guild’s own coffers but also a stream of work for him to complete. This night was a job of more personal importance than the others.

He kept to the left of the streets, moving unseen through the shadows until he reached an intersection where the street split off into two more avenues. Kelnozz eyed the tavern located at he corner of the intersection and smiled.

“The Dragon’s Scale,” he whispered, he had found his mark.
Putting the hood of his black cloak over his head, he moved closer to the tavern. Not wanting to get to close, he found himself a convenient waiting spot along several crates. The stench of dead fish and sea salt wafted through the thin cracks of the crates, nearly forcing the elf to find a new spot. Kelnozz just put his back against the crates and watched the door carefully, his red eyes never leaving the tavern.

His life now seemed a much easier way when compared to his previous life in the Vale’lioth. A smile spread across his thin lips when he thought how far he had come since than.

“It will only get better,” he muttered to himself.

A movement from the tavern’s door broke Kelnozz from his thoughts. Through the doors came a hunched figure wrapped in a dark robe. The drow waited a few moments before following the figure. He knew who it was, a simple disguise such as that could not be hid from an assassins’s prying eyes.

Keeping a good distance, he watched the figure’s every move, he could have just made his way straight to the person’s home, but he liked to make his targets worry. Every so often he caught the figure’s head turn around, the red of their face shining through the spectrum of infrared.

Turning down one alleyway, sprinting down the next, Kelnozz knew the man could not get away. Kelnozz had been trained since he reached his fifteenth birthday and now nearly eighty-five years later he was a skilled assassin with both the technique and ability to finish his task. That was how an elf survived, being atop his profession.

The figure reached he door and fumbled with the handle before pushing it open. Before the robed figure even had a chance of closing the door, Kelnozz shouldered passed the man into the small dwelling. His red eyes glowed in the darkness of the room and stared at the figure while he closed the door, his gaze never leaving his target.

“Who are you?” the man stammered, his voice obviously male.
Kelnozz removed his hood, revealing his fair skin and stark black hair.

“I am in no mood for your games or tricks, give me my orb or let my sword take it from you,” Kelnozz hissed, slipping one of his slender swords from their sheathes.

The man eyes darted side to side, looking for an escape.

“You could not escape me on the streets, I doubt you will be able to do so in such a small area, not make with the orb,” the assassin said calmly.

“I don’t have it Kelnozz,” the man whimpered.
Kelnozz’s eyes narrowed.

“If I had it I would give it to you, it is of no use to me,” the man explained.

In two quick steps, too fast for the man to even register, Kelnozz stood toe to toe with the man. The man who stood around six feet towered over the elf by more than half a foot, but it didn’t make Kelnozz less imposing.

“The orb,” Kelnozz said slowly.

“I don’t-,” the man started to repeat, but a tip of a sword stopped him.

“If you say that again I will look myself,” Kelnozz said, his sword drawing a bead of blood from the man’s throat.

“I have it,” the man cried, pulling from a pocket located on his robe a fist-sized globe.

Kelnozz pulled the globe from the man’s hand and eyed it carefully. He mouthed a quick incantation allowing him to see magical essence. The orb glowed with a brilliant light, along with his cloak and swords. It was the correct orb.
The orb was perhaps the most important object Kelnozz had ever purchased in the human world of Cinarya. It provided the ability to look through walls and granted the user the power to levitate for short periods of time.

The elf began to sheathe his sword when he stopped abruptly and cocked a questioning eyebrow at the man.

“It’s the right orb I promise,” the man said backing away from the assassin.

“Oh, I do not doubt that this is the right orb,” Kelnozz laughed placing the orb in a leather pouch, “But you lied to me.”

“I never told a lie.”

“You did and now you just did it again, you are going to have to pay for such sins,” Kelnozz smiled, his sword out before him.

In one quick slash, the assassin severed the man’s right ear. In a display of skill Kelnozz rolled the sword over his hand twice before throwing it air catching it behind his back before sheathing the blade.

The man dropped to his knees, clutching at his gruesome wound.

“Next time I will cut out your tongue to stop you from further spreading your lies,” the elf whispered into the man’s good ear before exiting the shanty.

Kelnozz walked quickly through a maze of alleyways, going about the best route to the Tenor Guild House. His hood was pulled over his head once more, protecting him from the endless drip associated with the alleyways. Garbage was piled along the buildings while rats scurried about for a meal. Kelnozz paused a moment as he reached the side of a black brick building. He bent to one knee, his mesh armor bending with out resistance, and sifted through a pile of decayed parchment and food.

He held back the urge to vomit as the smell drifted to his nose, and moved the garbage across the alley. Beneath where the garbage had once been was a gate, the insignia of the Tenor Guild displayed across it; a decorative “T”. He slipped his ebony fingers around the brass grate, twisted it to the left and pulled up. It was pitch black down the hole, but Kelnozz saw the bottom fine. With one hand he held onto the grate while the other helped guide himself down the hole. Once he was in he pulled the grate over the hole and locked it in place.

Kelnozz climbed down the rusted ladder and went down slowly. The build up of sludge of grime nearly made the agile assassin slip, but he quickly caught himself. He came to the floor and looked behind him. Three tunnels lay before him, each leading to a different area of the Tenor House. One led to the tiger pit where Hugh kept his vast collection of rare and wild tigers. The other led to the Sphere of Darkness, a place that brings a shudder to all who have seen the place, and the final one led to Kelnozz’s own private chambers.

His soft foot falls sent but the slightest echo off the rounded stone ceiling. The door to his room remained shut, a soft flicker of light escaping the doorway. He pulled from his pocket a blue wand and tapped the knob-less door twice. Slowly the wooden door creaked open, revealing his lavishly furnished room.

Three candles burned along the ceiling. Kelnozz switched from infrared to light spectrum and allowed himself to adjust to the flames. A black rug carpeted the floor. Along the walls hung beautiful tapestries depicting the great battles of Cinarya. Plush chairs and sofas circled an oval table, its dark wood matching the gloomy theme of the room.

Kelnozz moved to his desk located at the far corner of the room and removed his two swords and armor. He pulled the orb he had received today and eyed it a moment. It was a pale pink but seemed to glow with a reddish tint.

With ease he set the orb onto a unique holder that resembled a dragon’s mouth. He removed his boots, placing them besides the rest of his vestments and moved to his bed. The soft black sheets seemed to be and invitation that he surely was going to take. Kelnozz fell to his bed, the soft sheets a perfect cushion for his tired body. His eyes shut, his mind blackened, he fell into darkness.

Brasstwister

He slipped down the torch lit avenues, his steps quick and silent.


Like a moth to the flame he moved from shadow to shadow,

( I see what you want to say next, but it's to cliche.)

his eyes doing a quick scan of the vacant streets of Le’Chare Port. Though being just a step away what pedestrians there were he still managed to go unnoticed.

Kelnozz watched the activities along the streets. Merchants began to close up their colorful displays; some pleased with their fortunes, others hoping for better luck tomorrow. Men walked direct routes to their favorite taverns while women made their way home to their shanties. The never ending crashing of waves against the high docks seemed to block out all other noise, other then the unrelenting sound of drunk banter.


( why was this next part in red? and why magic torches that would seem to cost more, is magic that common?)


The magically lit torches brightened after the sun slipped farther down the horizon, but Kelnozz didn’t need the light, he was an elf. His infrared vision allowed him to translate the subtle traces of heat so that he could see them as clear as day. It was the one perk an elf had when dealing with humans, the ability to see things ( I know what you want to say but it sounds off) one a mortal never would.

Kelnozz did not mind living in the human city of Le’Chare, in fact he had grown to enjoy it. His skills had brought him wealth and station he could have never hoped to have gain while he lived in Vale’lioth. The day he entered the crime filled city of Le’Chare Port, guilds vied to see who would gain possession of him. All that mattered was the highest bidder. Kelnozz quickly found himself a place in the Tenor Guild, a place of high importance,

( why did you add the rank next makes no sence)second lieutenant.

Hugh Williamson was the guild master of the Tenor Guild and provided Kelnozz with not only never ending funds straight from the guild’s own coffers but also a stream of work for him to complete. This night

( this line seems a bit off) was a job of more personal importance than the others.

He kept to the left of the streets, moving unseen through the shadows until he reached an intersection where the street split off into two more avenues. Kelnozz eyed the tavern located at he corner of the intersection and smiled.

“The Dragon’s Scale,” he whispered, he had found his mark.
Putting the hood of his black cloak over his head, he moved closer to the tavern. Not wanting to get to close, he found himself a convenient waiting spot along several crates. The stench of dead fish and sea salt wafted through the thin cracks of the crates, nearly forcing the elf to find a new spot. Kelnozz just put his back against the crates and watched the door carefully, his red eyes never leaving the tavern.

His life now seemed a much easier way when compared to his previous life in the Vale’lioth. A smile spread across his thin lips when he thought how far he had come since than.

( what went far did he travel a long way , I know what you ment but add details)

“It will only get better,” he muttered to himself.

A movement from the tavern’s door broke Kelnozz from his thoughts. Through the doors came a hunched figure wrapped in a dark robe. The

( not everyone is a D&D fan let us know was a drow is)

drow waited a few moments before following the figure. He knew who it was, a simple disguise such as that could not be hid from an assassins’s prying eyes.

Keeping a good distance, he watched the figure’s every move, he could have just made his way straight to the person’s home, but he liked to make his targets worry. Every so often he caught the figure’s head turn around, the red of their face shining through the spectrum of infrared.

Turning down one alleyway, sprinting down the next, Kelnozz knew the man could not get away. Kelnozz had been trained since he reached his fifteenth birthday and now nearly eighty-five years later he was a skilled assassin with both the technique and ability to finish his task. That was how an elf survived, being atop his profession.

The figure reached he door and fumbled with the handle before pushing it open. Before the robed figure even had a chance of closing the door, Kelnozz shouldered passed the man into the small dwelling. His red eyes glowed in the darkness of the room and stared at the figure while he closed the door, his gaze never leaving his target.

“Who are you?” the man stammered, ( I dont like the way you put this, give me details plz)

his voice obviously male.
Kelnozz removed his hood, revealing his fair skin and stark black hair.

“I am in no mood for your games or tricks, give me my orb or let my sword take it from you,” Kelnozz hissed

( he a snake now?), slipping one of his slender swords from their sheathes.

The man eyes darted side to side, looking for an escape.

“You could not escape me on the streets, I doubt you will be able to do so in such a small area, not make with the orb,” the assassin said calmly.

“I don’t have it Kelnozz,” the man whimpered.
Kelnozz’s eyes narrowed.

“If I had it I would give it to you, it is of no use to me,” the man explained.

In two quick steps, too fast for the man to even register, Kelnozz stood toe to toe with the man. The man who stood around six feet towered over the elf by more than half a foot, but it didn’t make Kelnozz less imposing.

“The orb,” Kelnozz said slowly.

“I don’t-,” the man started to repeat, but a tip of a sword stopped him.

“If you say that again I will look myself,” Kelnozz said, his sword drawing a bead of blood from the man’s throat.

“I have it,” the man cried, pulling from a pocket located on his robe a fist-sized globe.

( first off if this guy gives it up so eazy why did the guild pay Kelnozz so much?)

Kelnozz pulled the globe from the man’s hand and eyed it carefully. He mouthed a quick incantation allowing him to see magical essence. The orb glowed with a brilliant light, along with his cloak and swords. It was the correct orb.
The orb was perhaps the most important object Kelnozz had ever purchased in the human world of Cinarya. It provided the ability to look through walls and granted the user the power to levitate for short periods of time.

The elf began to sheathe his sword when he stopped abruptly and cocked a questioning eyebrow at the man.

“It’s the right orb I promise,” the man said backing away from the assassin.

“Oh, I do not doubt that this is the right orb,” Kelnozz laughed placing the orb in a leather pouch, “But you lied to me.”

“I never told a lie.”

“You did and now you just did it again, you are going to have to pay for such sins,” Kelnozz smiled, his sword out before him.

In one quick slash, the assassin severed the man’s right ear. In a display of skill Kelnozz rolled the sword over his hand twice before throwing it air catching it behind his back before sheathing the blade.

The man dropped to his knees, clutching at his gruesome wound.

“Next time I will cut out your tongue to stop you from further spreading your lies,” the elf whispered into the man’s good ear before exiting the shanty.

Kelnozz walked quickly through a maze of alleyways, going about the best route to the Tenor Guild House. His hood was pulled over his head once more, protecting him from the endless drip associated with the alleyways. Garbage was piled along the buildings while rats scurried about for a meal. Kelnozz paused a moment as he reached the side of a black brick building. He bent to one knee, his mesh armor bending with out resistance, and sifted through a pile of decayed parchment and food.


( with this made me wonder if this drow is as tuff as he thinks he is)
He held back the urge to vomit as the smell drifted to his nose, and moved the garbage across the alley. Beneath where the garbage had once been was a gate, the insignia of the Tenor Guild displayed across it; a decorative “T”. He slipped his ebony fingers around the brass grate, twisted it to the left and pulled up. It was pitch black down the hole, but Kelnozz saw the bottom fine. With one hand he held onto the grate while the other helped guide himself down the hole. Once he was in he pulled the grate over the hole and locked it in place.

Kelnozz climbed down the rusted ladder and went down slowly. The build up of sludge of grime nearly made the agile assassin slip, but he quickly caught himself. He came to the floor and looked behind him. Three tunnels lay before him, each leading to a different area of the Tenor House. One led to the tiger pit where Hugh kept his vast collection of rare and wild tigers. The other led to the Sphere of Darkness, a place that brings a shudder to all who have seen the place, and the final one led to Kelnozz’s own private chambers.

His soft foot falls sent but the slightest echo off the rounded stone ceiling. The door to his room remained shut, a soft flicker of light escaping the doorway. He pulled from his pocket a blue wand and tapped the knob-less door twice. Slowly the wooden door creaked open, revealing his lavishly furnished room.

Three candles burned along the ceiling. Kelnozz switched from infrared to light spectrum and allowed himself to adjust to the flames. A black rug carpeted the floor. Along the walls hung beautiful tapestries depicting the great battles of Cinarya. Plush chairs and sofas circled an oval table, its dark wood matching the gloomy theme of the room.

Kelnozz moved to his desk located at the far corner of the room and removed his two swords and armor. He pulled the orb he had received today and eyed it a moment. It was a pale pink but seemed to glow with a reddish tint.

With ease he set the orb onto a unique holder that resembled a dragon’s mouth. He removed his boots, placing them besides the rest of his vestments and moved to his bed. The soft black sheets seemed to be and invitation that he surely was going to take. Kelnozz fell to his bed, the soft sheets a perfect cushion for his tired body. His eyes shut, his mind blackened, he fell into darkness.





Ok I stopped my review a bit short, your rushing, alot. You did give me a very good view of your thoughts it was just not very well told in many parts.
Details, good details is whats needed. Dont get me wrong I liked your story, but it needs alot of work. You as a wirter have some learning to do. give this site a half year and it will work wonders if you have a ears, and not a big mouth. I was kind some here wont be so nice, but hang in there ya got vision and thats the first step that you cant learn.

Hoot08

Thank you for the reply its obvious you know what your talking about. Once you put some of my writing in a new light I can see what you mean by adding detail and how some elements of the story don't fit with a character such as Kelnozz hissing or getting sick around the garbage. If you could please review the rest of my story and keep critqueing being brutally honest if you must. Thanks again.