Anguirus2005

Authors note: These are my chapters in a story play at www.panhistoria.com, though the chapters you will see here are more thoroughly edited and have a few different details.

Background info: This story takes place in the distant future, the prisons are over filling and the government decides to empty out all their prisons, and put the prisoners on a hell world.

Disclaimer:

This story contains Profanity and violence, if you find that insulting then you should probably not read it.

Will to live
Chapter 1: unofficial justice.
I stared at the glop on my tray. It stared back at me; a slimy yellow grin almost seemed to be visible in its viscosity. The prison had downgraded the food again to save money, too little money - too many prisoners. The buzz of my fellow inmates in the cafeteria invaded my reverie, tearing apart my line of thought. I leaned away from the slop on my plate and looked about. People sat around me and talked among themselves, trying not to glance at me. I was an untouchable; if you talked to me the guards would target you as a “kindred spirit” of mine, a troublemaker, and most people tried to keep out of trouble.

This was the first time I had been in the cafeteria for awhile. I had just come back from a 3-year trip to solitary confinement. The moral of that story: If one of your fellow inmates pisses you off, make sure no one’s around to see you beat him into a coma. The cafeteria hadn’t changed much, except for a fresh coat of white paint, which was quickly reverting to its original brown color. It was still the ridiculously huge room it had always been, but then again this was the biggest prison around. Unfortunately for security, this made it next to impossible to stop things before they started. Too few guards, too little money, too many prisoners.

Four years back some doofus tried to tell me that they were gonna execute all of us to make room for more, never happened. Though really it wouldn’t surprise me, the system is so fucking corrupt: The white collar criminals who steal billions get away with about ten years maximum; while the guy who robs the grocery store with a toy gun to feed his family gets about twenty.

I glanced up to the balconies overhanging the cafeteria. Almost all of the guards looked familiar, a couple unfortunate freshies sent here probably because their superiors didn’t like them. They were outfitted with the usual set of stun guns and such; they didn’t have anything too lethal, as the warden wouldn’t want to have to go through all the paper work involved with a dead prisoner if he had a choice.

I glanced down when I heard some snickering, I turned to see an old man walking down the aisle, and damn, was he old. He had a white beard that hanged down to his chest, and his bald head was splotchier than what the prison menu claimed was mashed potatoes and gravy. He was so thin that it looked like if one of the prisoners farted with enough force, they would send him flying. The green and yellow slime on his tray jiggled obscenely from his arms shaking so much; it seemed like every step he took he had stolen from the bony fingers of death. No man deserved to live so long that they looked like a walking corpse. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t help but notice a gleam in his eyes, something that told me that there was more to this zombie then most would see at first glance.


Suddenly one of the younger inmates got up and grabbed the food from the old man’s tray and stuffed it into his own mouth. Two of his larger friends stood up as well, cutting off the old man’s exits, forcing confrontation. The old man stared at them a second; he was trembling, probably due to his age, but his face showed no fear. Hell, it didn’t show much of anything.

“Hey, whatcha gonna do about it, geezer?” sneered the younger one with the slime in his mouth, some of it dribbling out onto the floor. The old man locked eyes with his assailant. The young guy pushed him, the old fart went backwards but somehow managed to stay upright. I could hardly believe it possible. I got up and walked towards the disturbance. The guards wouldn’t be able to see what was going on clearly enough until it was too late anyway. We were just ants in the hill.

“I suggest you leave the old man alone,” I said softly, but loud enough for the young lout to hear me. He and his two friends pushed the old man aside and walked towards me. The surrounding area had gone silent but the cafeteria was so large that there was still a substantial buzz in the air. This particular asshole must have come in after I had been sent to solitary; anyone who knew me would have listened, sat down and pretended it had never happened, his loss. Really it wasn’t a big surprise; the newbies always have something to prove, trying to grind their place in the pecking order.

“You have something to say, shorty?” The kid asked, I have to admit I am pretty short, only 5 feet 4 inches, my eyes came to about his neck and as his friends were even bigger, I came to about their chests.

“Leave the old man alone,” I said coolly, staring him in the eyes.

“Or what? You will bite my knee caps off?” He laughed and so did his friends. One of the prisoners sitting at the bench pulled on the guy’s sleeve.

“You better leave this one alone, Tom; you don’t wanna fuck around with Kazu…” The dumb shit, apparently named Tom, ignored him. I studied the three men, Tom was a pretty scrawny little bastard, and by the looks of his stance he had never been in a real fight. His friends, on the other hand, looked like they had some experience. The larger of his two friends was bald, and huge, he was tall and fat, though obviously tons of muscle lay under his pudgy exterior. The other one had a thick mop of black hair and he was almost as tall as the skin-head, but half his thickness, he carried himself better then the other two. He could be a little bit of a challenge. When I was younger and living with my gang, we would often get into street fights. That’s the best way to learn to fight, really.

“Back off, you micro!” Tom sneered and shoved me, I grabbed his arm and shattered it at the elbow. He screamed and fell backwards. I ran towards the bald one first as the moppy-haired one grabbed the collapsing Tom. I smashed him in the groin with my knee, and punched him in the solar plexus- a satisfying crunch. I smiled with the pleasure of it all.

Suddenly I felt a foot smash into my back. I collapsed to the ground wincing. Apparently the mop head fought dirty. I kicked backwards and hit the guy’s leg; he cried out. I rolled onto my back although it hurt like hell, and kicked his other leg out from under him; he fell backwards, smashing his head onto the hard concrete ground. I got onto my knees and leaped forward, getting myself on top of him. He punched me in the gut, I ignored it and started pounding him on the face. He bucked back and fourth, flailing trying to get me off of him, but to no avail. I attacked more ferociously, my fists were red from his blood, I was unstoppable! In till I was shot in the back by a stun blast.

The guard pulled me roughly off of my unconscious victim, all ready my motor functions were starting to come back. I saw the old-man being taken as well, so I grabbed some of the green slop that was on my tray. The old man and I were taken away from the cafeteria as a few other guards picked up the injured fools I had left behind. I passed the slop to the old man who took it gratefully. It’s funny, in life you never can expect who your friends are gonna be. The guards looked at us strangely for this gesture but did nothing, seeing that the object I was passing was not harmful to them, unless they chose to eat it.

We came to the warden’s office, I was brought in first. I stared at the warden who had his back turned to me. His bald head was shiny in the lamplight. His office was very expensive looking, mahogany wood desk, and a soft looking chair, the room was littered with various knick knacks. He finally turned to look me in the eye. He shook his head, his jowls jiggled so ludicrously that it removed any vague sense of a threatening demeanor that there might have been when he was younger.

“Kazuhito Matsuda… why am I not surprised to see you… God damn it, we just let you out of solitary confinement. Why the hell did you go and pull a stunt like this? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He screamed. I had been at the prison as long as the warden had, apparently his great nephew had been in the same gang as me, and had met the same fate as many of my fellows, death. I guess he felt that by trying to turn me right, he would somehow make up for the death of his Nephew. I just shrugged, I doubted he would understand, his type think you should wait for the official justice, to bad by the time the official justice comes in its to late.

He sighed loudly and sat down in his chair, and rubbed his shiny head. “That gonna be your attitude Kazu? Just shrug it off? After all I’ve done for you… I don’t even know why I didn’t have you put down like the dog you are for the last time you attacked somebody. So you know what? Fuck you Matsuda! You and the rest of your lot are gonna be off my hands soon, and I won’t have to deal with this bull anymore. All I have to do is throw you in solitary and wait for you to be taken away… Maybe you will rethink your life when you end up at your destination, too bad it will be too fucking late!” He yelled and motioned for the guards to take me away, it was strange, I could almost swear he was crying. I guess he still remembered his nephew.
--------------------------------

TheReMonstor

Not too bad so far. Several choppy and confusing sentences, mis-placed commas, and other mis-used words. Also, I had trouble with the narrator. Almost the entire story is being told by the prisoner, but then the narrator will say something that I'm not sure the prisoner would say. You can fix this 2 ways:

1.) Read back through the story and look at everything the narrator says. Rework any info-dump segments into speech that is short and to the point. Make all the narration tighter, more concise.

2.) Separate the narrator and the main character. Any thought from the main character can be changed to italics to indicate thought. This way might be easier becasue you can have your narrator relay information to the reader without it sounded misplaced by having the prisoner say it. I'll show you some examples later in the critique of what I mean by the narrator saying odd things.

I think over-flowing would be a better word choice. And what exactly is a "hell world"? If it's not something specific you have in mind, then I would change it to "a desolate world" or something to that effect. If it is some place you've created, maybe capitalize to make it a proper place.

Good couple of sentences. I like the visual.

This sentence is a tad clunky. I understand what you're trying to say, but it's not down very effectively. The "too little money" refers to the fact that even though the food is downgraded again, it doesn't really save enough money and maybe that's because they're are so many prisoners. At least I think that's what you're getting at. If so, even though I got it, it's still confusing. Look that sentence over a bit.

I don't know much about prison and what-not, but isn't 3 years a bit much for SC? From what I know of, SC is being shoved in a tiny, lightless living space. I know that in movies (The Great Escape), they spend maybe a week or two at the most. But then again, this is the future, so maybe in your continuity 3 years is normal. Just something to think about.

Okay, here we have something that is obviously said by the prisoner, but in narrator fashion because he refers to the "story", but the next few sentences...
This is all info-dump about the prison. I think that the two comments are inconsistent of the narrator. Now, if you broke these two sections up, one by the prisoner, one by the narrator, I think it would help it to flow a lot easier.

This is almost an indentical repeat of the "too little..." part from above, but it doesn't repeat anymore in the story which makes the repetition seem like a mistake. If you plan on using it, make it consistent. Have the narrator/prisoner keep noticing things that there are "too little..." of.

Alright, there are several things wrong with this paragraph:

1 - "doofus" doesn't sound like an insult that the hardened gang member, who is apparently of asian decent, would normally use. "doofus" is an old word, not something you hear too often, so I doubt the word would be very popular in the future. When writing your characters, you have to know them, know what they'll say in what situations, what they'll think of people. The only way you can make your characters likeable and realisitc is to keep them consistent.
2. - Using curse words in writing is a tough thing to judge. I find that most people use them for shock value and just because they can, but I think that it has a negative effect on writing. It dumbs down what the writing is trying to say because all the focus is on the curse word. "Oh man, he just said 'fuck'! I'm not sure what about, but he said it!", that kind of thing. Be very careful when using curse words. And also, as a narrator, its not necessary to use curse words. Usually only in dialouge can it be more easily justified.
3. - This is just a personal comment, but I think this part is a bit hackneyed. The corporate men with money getting let off while the little man takes the fall, that sorta thing. Maybe explore something else that might make the system corrupt.

This is another example of the narrator thing. See if this makes more sense of what I'm saying:

Matsuda glanced down the aisle as he heard a man snickering.
Damn, he's old, he thought to himself.

1.) - "hung" to his chest. The mashed potatoes comparison is a good attempt, but its kind of a long-winded sentence because of it. Maybe see if you can condense it, but keep the comparison.
2.) - The sentence about the fart just doesn't sound intelligent. I would take it out completely.
3.) - I was hoping that the sentece would finish that Matsuda didn't think any man should have to live so long and finish it out in prison, something to make him more human, give him feelings.

No offense, but this is the classic "bully" confrontation. I've seen hundreds of times in prison movies, after school specials, etc,. I know that I've seen it happen in like 5 Steven Segal movies. I'm not sure what you could do to change it, but maybe give it some thought.

By calling the old man an "old fart", you give the narrator an opinion (I know you have the prisoner as the narrator, but...) and can make the narrator unreliable. Plus, Matsuda has just observed the situation and is obviously going to get involved, so why would he refer to the man in a negative way? A simple "old man" would do.

I'm not sure that "newbie" is a prison term. More akin to online gaming than anything I think. Pick something else. A little research about prison could go a long way.

Again, the overuse of curse words. Just read it aloud and see how it sounds. Anyone can write those words, try to expand your vocabulary a bit.

This just sounding stupid to me. It sounded like something that an 8th grader says to a 2nd grader to impress them. Maybe make a reference to the past, but in a less meatheaded way.

I like the insult of "micro". It emphasizes Matsuda's size and also kind of gives a unique language to the future. I've never really heard the term before as an insult. New slang is invented all the time and this sounds like something that they use and it separates your sci-fi world from ours, which is very important in sci-fi/fantasy (and even harder in sci-fi I think).

I wouldn't think that a fight like the one Matsuda had would be enough to go see the warden. I would think he would probably just be detained for awhile a cast back in his cell. I know that you have to further the story and that involves getting into the warden's office, but I think something a little more dire should happen to result in seeing the warden.

Very nice visual as well as a insight into the warden's character.

See what I mean, kind of an overuse, ya' know? I'm sure the warden is an intelligent enough person to use better words to express himself.

Overall, I thought it was written well enough to keep a person reading. Nothing so far gave it a sci-fi feel though. Maybe describe the guards and their equipment more and have them wearing or weilding futuristic weaponry/armor. Maybe think about how a prison might run in the future. Maybe the prisoners all wear certain collars or restraint devices. Even little things, maybe observations within the warden's office that hint at the future like computers, holograms, etc,.

That's about all I could think of after the first read, so if you post again I'll be sure to follow-up on it.

__________________