Republic of Sorrow (Pt.3 - Fantasy) - Writers Forum

Dephere · 03-08-2006, 07:15 PM

Author's Note:

Okay, I introduce a new character in this section and he has already become one of my favorites. Tell me what you guys think....

NOTE:Links to Part 1 and 2 in sig.

He watched from his corner silently, as yet another was pushed into the room. This one seemed worse off than the others; red wrists still produced pus as his thin body struggled to move forward, his brown hair matted with sweat and blood. What had this poor boy done? — his state of health was abysmal, something that could be deducted from sight alone.

As the mistreated boy fell to the floor, the man in the corner noticed a flicker of movement in his peripheral vision. He took his eyes away from the newcomer, scanning the room for the source. As he let his eyes slide over the ripe red banners displayed on the walls he came to his quarry. The king had stood upon this one’s entrance. A strange thing. He had never seemed to show compassion to the others and as a result Huntel made a mental note, making sure he did not forget it.

The torchlight seemed to give the king’s golden robes a silky sheen, the same quality reflected in his chestnut colored hair. His unkempt hairstyle was unusual for the higher echelons of nobility, but his royal sophistication seemed to make it socially acceptable. His facial features reflected the essence of youth, but his eyes carried no remnants of his childhood. Those eyes that had gazed upon horrors beyond the comprehension of many. Huntel let his own eyes return once more to the prisoner.

He was now on his knees, prostrate before the king and the other prisoners in the room, his hair nearly washed of its brown luster and replaced with a red gloss. Huntel brought his dark blue robe closer around himself, hoping to conceal features best left unseen. As of yet the king allowed Huntel his anonymity.

“Rise,” the king’s voice was honey-lacquered, smoothed from the years of political sweet-talking, “and join your peers, my friend.” The social title seemed to come out as an insult and was oddly unfit for the king’s mouth, but seemed natural to Huntel all the same. The prisoner weakly pushed his hands onto the marble floors, the ivory colored material providing the support he needed. Slowly he rose, finally making it to his feet while his muscles continued to strain. Huntel smirked beneath the blue folds, basking in the fool’s battle with infirmity. What was he to do with this? He supposed he could find a use, but his prospects were looking rather unappealing at the moment.

The young man finally joined the other prisoners, all of them standing in a disorderly clump in front of the king. Most of them were men, but a few women were interspersed through the small gathering.

Huntel’s sovereign strutted slowly back to his gilded throne, jewels reflecting his deep wealth, but his crown seemed to top it all. The platinum luminescence caught the eye of all who looked upon its splendor. A blazing blue sapphire was beset in the central section, drawing the covetous eyes of many in the Republic. When the king perched on his silver colored seat he spoke once more.

“You have come to serve the Republic, as I am sure you have been told countless times.” At this there was a unanimous groan; Huntel deciding that words were beyond their capabilities. Huntel looked to the king, smirking as he waited for the inevitable. With tight fists the king chastised the group, “Don’t sulk in my presence! You have come to serve and that is just what you will do.” The honey-sweetened mouth of the king had become one of fury. “I advise that you keep your displeasure to yourself.” Huntel had seen this scene play out before him numerous times. This time seemed just as amusing as the first.

“Now, I would present you to someone you will become very familiar with.” At these words Huntel emerged from his dark corner. A general consensus had been reached without words to preserve the silence. This man, or woman as far as they could tell, had appeared from the dark, hidden beneath his blue robe. “This is Huntel.” The king let his head drop down in a show of deference, a gesture which he did not often partake in.

“Thank you, Laurne.” Huntel’s sonorous voice seemed to make the room his own, commanding the attention he deserved. “To you, I only have one thing to say.” His hands gestured towards the prisoners as an indication to whom he was talking: “ I’m afraid you will be disappointed with your lot in life.” Once more a smile bedecked his face as fear made its fated way through the prisoners.

aliceedelweiss · 03-08-2006, 07:34 PM

did I make it here faster than a barrel of monkeys? hah, very good! I got one thing:

Quote:

deducted simply from sight alone.

I think that simply could be taken out because you have alone there already (of course the problem I find with this, is it doesn't go the other way around, "Deducted simply from sight"? ) just a suggestion, take it as you will because I might be wrong...
I love how you present each new part in a different POV, its really creative, and I love the description of the king:

Quote:

The honey sweetened mouth of the king

I also have to point out that I like the name Laurne. (that is the king

, yes?) Well, as always, extremely good piece! I read it as fast as I could...now I want part 4 to show up

ah well, I can wait, I guess

Alice
PS: sorry about the king emoticon, It looked cute...

Dephere · 03-08-2006, 07:39 PM

Hehe, I'm so glad you liked it...no, really, I am. I will go and change that little part faster than a barrel of monkeys.

Yes, Laurne is the king. LONG LIVE THE KING! You like the name, huh? Well, good, I have always had that name saved for a rainy day, guess this met the requirements...

I'm not going to switch POV's every time I put up a new part, but I establish the main characters with their own POV and then switch back and forth. The next part is going to be back in Ralion's point I think, or maybe even Cythera...do you remember poor Cythera.

Thanks for reading!

It's okay BTW, I love emoticons...hehe.

Titania · 03-08-2006, 07:42 PM

I do spoil you, I swear... I'm back again. Have to get here early so I can point out all your stupid mistakes.

Oh, alice caught one of them... but I'm too lazy to change it so there.

Quote:

This one seemed worse off than the others; red wrists still produced puss as his thin body struggled to move forward

This should be pus, I believe. And nice semicolon.

Quote:

What had this poor boy done — his state of health was abysmal

I'd do this:
What had the poor boy done? – his state of health was abysmal

Quote:

simply from sight alone

seems a bit redundant, I'd take out "simply"

Quote:

As the mistreated boy fell to the floor the man in the corner noticed a flicker of movement within his peripheral vision

maybe a comma between "floor" and "the man"?
the use of the word "within" sounded a bit odd... "in"?

Quote:

As the mistreated boy fell to the floor the man in the corner noticed a flicker of movement within his peripheral vision. He took his eyes away from the newcomer, scanning the room for the source of movement.

you can just take the "of movement" out of the last sentence

I love the word "echelon"...

Quote:

His facial features carried the essence of youth, but his eyes carried no remnants of his childhood.

held, maybe?

Quote:

his own hair nearly washed of its brown luster and replaced with a red gloss

This threw me off a bit. First because of the word "own"... I think I know what you were intending, since you recently referred to the king's hair, but I'm not sure it's close enough to make much sense and you use "own" just previously talking about Huntel's eyes. Second, I'm not sure how Huntel would know what color the prisoner's hair used to be, and since this is from his POV that doesn't make much sense. One thing you could say could be:
his hair, once perhaps a lustrous brown, replaced now with a red, glossy sheen
Just a suggestion.

Quote:

“Rise,” The king’s voice was honey lacquered, smoothed from the years of political sweet talking. “And join your peers, my friend.”

The shouldn't be capitalized, honey-lacquered (I like that phrase), sweet-talking, and the period after that word should be a comma and "and" lowercase. That makes it all seem like one phrase, just interrupted by the description. And lol, I think I'm a hyphen nazi too.

I'd say "ivory-covered material"

Quote:

The young man finally joined the other prisoners, all of them standing in a disorderly clump in front of the king. Most of the prisoners were men, but a few women were interspersed through the small gathering.

Hm, I guess I was a little thrown off as to why the description of the crown was there, it didn't really seem relevant.

Quote:

At this there was a unanimous groan, Huntel deciding that words were beyond their capabilities.

At this there was a unanimous groan; Huntel decided words were beyond their capabilities.

honey-sweetened

Quote:

I am not asking you to do this, I am only telling you

I'd take "only" out, it just sounds odd

unspokenly isn't a word

Quote:

Once more a smile bedecked his face as fear made its fated way through the prisoner

prisoners, right?

Edit: lol, sorry... I enjoyed it very much as usual. I am curious when we're going to get back to poor little Cythera, she's been stranded for a while now. No complaints other than the random above questions / comments. Do you really expect me to say anything else? Your writing is still good, no changes there.

Dephere · 03-08-2006, 07:53 PM

Leave it to Titania (I won't be mean and call you by my nickname for you...

) to catch my mess ups....I will have to go back and fix all that...Damn, I thought I did good on this one!

Thanks as always Titania, you do spoil me and I don't deserve it!

Oh, just so you know, unspokenly is a word (or at least my spell check registers it as such), but I changed it anyway....Also, Huntel knew the color of his hair because it was nearly washes out by the the read, but could still be seen as brown.

Titania · 03-08-2006, 08:18 PM

Hm, I guess my spell-check doesn't agree with yours then... unspokenly has a nice pretty little red line underneath it. But then so does quilty

. I guess the hair thing makes sense, it just confused me. Anyway, glad to help.

Dephere · 03-08-2006, 08:23 PM

Glad you came to help...*hits computer for being as stupid as me*...I mean "unspokenly"...*shakes head in disappointment*

Titania · 03-08-2006, 08:27 PM

I am seriously tempted to point out that "dissapointment" is spelled wrong... but I have to tell you to stop hitting things first. I mean, think about it! What if you hurt the computer?!

Lol. You know I enjoy reading your stuff. Keep writing or I might have to track you down and inflict some terrible punishment on you...

Smaointe · 03-09-2006, 07:08 PM

Well I'm back for part 3. Too bad I'm so late, I actually saw some spelling, but Titania got to it first. I will have to be quicker next time. The story is still good, and I like your new character. Can't wait for the next part.

TheReMonstor · 03-09-2006, 08:42 PM

Hey there Dephere. Good work on keeping it interesting. Part 3 is very short, but it does well in planting the seed of intruige in the reader. A mysterious, robed figure always seems to do the trick. Huntel is a very sweet character you have going on. I absolutley love name...wish I'd thought of it! There isn't too much to really say about Part 3...except for (thought you'd get away unscathed didya?):

- When the king speaks to his audience, I thought that the dialouge was a bit messy when he screamed at the prisoners. The first part, "Don’t sulk in my presence! You have come to serve and that is just what you will do." was good, but the second half, "I am not asking you to do this, I am telling you...", I thought this sounded more of something that a mother says to a child. I think you could leave the second half of the king's dialogue out and it would still be strong. Also, when he speaks in a fury, it's very sudden and a rough transition from his calm words before. I understand it's supposed to be that way, offers insight as to his character, but I would put a sentence in right before he gets mad, something that shows he is getting ready to yell because of the prisoners groans. Maybe Huntel observes the kings hands grapsing the armrests of his throne very tightly and conveys that the king is not pleased (and Huntel would be perfect to make the observation b/c it states he's seen this presentation before). Just a suggestion.

- When the king presents Huntel, the robed figure addresses him simply as Laurne and not as King Laurne. I'm not sure if this is planned or not. If it is, I love it b/c it shows that Huntel is in no way a subordinate of the king and that instantly raises very entertaining prospects about who Huntel is. Gives him an aura without him doing anything of magnificence. But if that's not the case, then he should be addressed as King Laurne.

I really like the direction this story is going. This small part really got me ready to experience a grand adventure. I've got a vague idea of where this story is going and I like it. I might PM you to see if I'm right, b/c I don't want to spoil it for others. Like always, good work, ready for the next one. Hollar at my new story if you get the chance.

Dephere · 03-09-2006, 09:15 PM

Hey guys, thank you very much...

Smaointe - Yeah, Titania is pretty dang quick. lol. But I appreciate your comments very much, I don't mind if you weren't the first one here.

TheReMonster - Hah, I knew I wouldn't make it out with at least a scratch...Yes, intrigue is my middle name, or is it Fantasy...hmmm? Well anyway, I see what you mean about the transition into anger, it's pretty abrupt. I will go back and try to put something in...

Huntel, I just love that name too! It is no accident that he called the king only by his first name and I'm very glad that you picked up on that...I love to leave little clues in my stories...

As to where the story is going: You're guess is as good as mine. I honestly have no clue where I'm going with it. This isn't unusual for my stories because they tend to write themselves.

I will definitly take a look at your story!

Thanks both of you!

darthwader · 03-10-2006, 07:13 AM

Only one problem that I had with this. The way you introduced Huntel, saying how he watched from the corner and was huddling up in his robes, made me think that he was another prisoner at first. It wasn't until about halfway through that I realised how wrong I was.

Of course this is probably due to my ineptitude as a reader, since nobody else has made a similar comment, so go with the masses and ignore what I just wrote.

As for everything else, yet another part of what is an increasingly intriguing story. Keep up the good work.

Dephere · 03-10-2006, 09:21 AM

Hey, thanks man...

As to you thinking he was a prisoner, well, you're not supposed to know who he is at first. I think it kind of piques the interest if you leave a little mystery to a character and then slowly explain who he is...

Thanks!

kalibantre · 03-10-2006, 09:36 PM

I'm liking how this is all unfolding.. oh yes.

He best be super evil, I've missed reding a good villain..

anyway just a quickie to say I like it and I ooh and aah in all the right places.

I'm glad your synax has stayed in order and no repatition. we wouldnt want any : The penguin farted, yes, the penguin farted. now would we??

Dephere · 03-10-2006, 09:39 PM

LOL!!!!!!! I'm cracking up!

Thanks for reading and I'm glad I could get you oohing and ahhing...oh damn, I did it again! Damn those sexual connotations...

Oh, and Huntel is a very evil character, don't you worry about that. I love to write dark people so I hope you enjoy him as much as me.

Yes, no repetition!

Or else I would have to reprimand myself.