Republic of Sorrow (Pt.3 - Fantasy) - Page 2 - Writers Forum

kalibantre · 03-10-2006, 09:44 PM

just to say.. I actually laughed out loud so much I needed my inhaler.. god how geekazoid do I sound!!

I have under developed lungs, ventalin helps the bits that do work to cope..

Wisp · 03-11-2006, 12:51 AM

I think I totally spaced out. I was even watching your posts for the next part

. Oh well, I will try and get to part four a little earlier. I like the last few lines

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

His hands gestured towards the prisoners as an indication to whom he was talking: “ I’m afraid you will be disappointed with your lot in life.” Once more a smile bedecked his face as fear made its fated way through the prisoners.

I nice intrigue to the personallity of Huntel (good name).

Great overall, and like I said, I hope to get to four earlier, and I cant wait to see what happens next.

Dephere · 03-11-2006, 12:56 AM

Hey, thanks man. I appreciate it. You were keeping an eye out for this post? YEAH! I'm being waited for. lol.

I also liked the last lines, it's usually where I tie things together or hint to the future, a little bit of both here.

I will return the favor ASAP!

Jabezilla · 03-11-2006, 06:42 PM

I think your story republic is awesome pt. 3 is my fave, was wondering how did you come up with the idea? Check out Second Advent if you have time and tell me what you think.. PEACE

Dephere · 03-11-2006, 06:46 PM

I would have been more than happy to check out your story, but you blew up at me in your thread! What's that about?

Obviously you are desperate for some response to your story, but come on, it doesn't justify you being rude.

Oasis Writer · 03-14-2006, 05:29 PM

Hey Dephere. Goodness freakin' gracious man. This is getting really good. Not much action in this one, but it's leading up with character development and such really well. I like it. Very good. I found a few things actually in this one, most just comma's which is little, and a few other little things. Just opinion and with my best, as always. Otherwise: very good.

Quote:

What had this poor boy done? — his state of health was abysmal, something that could be deducted from sight alone.

Okay, lol, you're the third I've seen this with and, although Titania has explained it to me once, I still see no reason for this. I think you can compleatly explain this without having that dash, but again, I still lack reason for what it does or why it's used.

Quote:

As he let his eyes slide over the ripe red banners displayed on the walls, (Comma) he came to his quarry.

Just a comma.

Quote:

He had never seemed to show compassion to the others and as a result, (Comma) Huntel made a mental note, making sure he did not forget it.

Just another comma thing.

Quote:

Huntel brought his dark blue robe closer around himself, hoping to conceal features best left unseen. As of yet, (comma) the king allowed Huntel his anonymity.

I believe best left should be best-left. And I believe a comma is needed there.

Quote:

“Rise,” the king’s voice was honey-lacquered, smoothed from the years of political sweet-talking, “and join your peers, my friend.”
(New paragraph after speech if it changes subjects)
The social title seemed to come out as an insult and was oddly unfit for the king’s mouth, but seemed natural to Huntel all the same. The prisoner weakly pushed his hands onto the marble floors, the ivory colored material providing the support he needed.
(New paragraph because it changes subjects a little)
Slowly he rose, finally making it to his feet while his muscles continued to strain. Huntel smirked beneath the blue folds, basking in the fool’s battle with infirmity. What was he to do with this? He supposed he could find a use, but his prospects were looking rather unappealing at the moment.

The red is where I think you should have a paragraph break. The first one is because of the speech, I think, because it flows or whatever, just a suggestion. The second one, I think needs a new paragraph because it changes subjects from what's beeing seen to him standing up.

Quote:

When the king perched on his silver colored seat, (comma) he spoke once more.

Just a comma I believe is needed.

Quote:

With tight fists, (Comma) the king chastised the group,

Just a comma.

Quote:

At these words, (Comma) Huntel emerged from his dark corner.

Just a comma.

Quote:

“(No space here) I’m afraid you will be disappointed with your lot in life.” Once more, (Comma) a smile bedecked his face as fear made its fated way through the prisoners.

Okay, just a space for the first thing, just for looking nice. And second is the comma.

Other than those, the story is progressing sublimely. I like this one, but I must say, not as much as Dark Men. But, each story is different and holds different strengths and weaknesses. So, good work. I'll be to four soon.

Dephere · 03-14-2006, 05:33 PM

Hey, thanks for the compliments!!!! It's funny, Darth doesn't like Dark Men as much as this one. I guess we all have different tastes.

I appreciate your comments and all that stuff really helps...You're awesome Oasis!

Oasis Writer · 03-14-2006, 05:34 PM

Anytime bud, I'm just slow to the count on when I get there, but there's always something someone can catch I guess

Good work man, I'll be onto four sooner than later.

Blackhawk_t · 03-15-2006, 03:24 AM

Alright...this sux. I finally get on to critique some stuff because I finally have time, and everyone beats me too all the stuff. Anyway's good post as always. I didn't find anything odd that anyone else didn't already nail.

Some liked the king's name of Laurne, but I thought it didn't really fit this tough guy image he is trying to portray. It's kinda like the Johnny Cash song of a boy named sue. That's just my interpretation.

Sorry about the pus confusion. I check it out thoroughly and it is pus, not puss. Sorry bout that. I'll try and get to part 4 faster than everyone else next time.

Also, this could make a really, really long book. You got three parts and we have only met a handful of characters......NOBEL PEACE PRIZE BABY!!!

Dephere · 03-15-2006, 09:43 AM

When you said this sux I got very scared, but was much relieved when you were talking about how much time you have. lol.

Don't worry about gettin here first, you know I appreciate all you feedback no matter when I get it.

Hm, I think names are all a personal preference, I don't think everybody is going to like any one name, but I'll look into changing it and see what I can come up with.

Don't worry about the "pus" confusion.

And I'm sorry to say you already got beat to part 4.

Thanks!

Oh, and I will get to Part 5 asap, but I just started up round two of the Book Club and writing and critiquing have taken a back seat for a little bit....but I'll be there soon. I promise!

Blackhawk_t · 03-15-2006, 02:28 PM

Not a problem.....about part 5. YOu get to it when you get to it.

And don't change the name.....it's already unfolded about his name, so ya gotta leave it now.

Good work.

Crypt · 03-18-2006, 11:34 PM

Cool... I like how you described the King..how he looks and his voice etc.. Good stuff.. There's really nothing left to critique, so.. I guess I'll just fatten up this post by making a crazy suggestion that you give someone in this story an afro! A big one.. And..bell-bottoms!

Dephere · 03-18-2006, 11:39 PM

Hm, interesting suggestion. I will definitely think about it.

That's really funny that you would say that, because I thought about it myself...

Thanks for reading again and I'm glad you liked it!

Daniel Malone · 04-01-2006, 07:12 PM

Very desrciptive and interesting. The first scene is a little out of place with the second and first. Maybe I missed something?

Dephere · 04-01-2006, 07:17 PM

Not too sure what you mean, but it all ties in together as the story advances. Each chapter, thus far, is a new POV, but after this one I start revisiting the characters and advancing the story.

Thanks for reading, again!