The Ennead (Fantasy: Part V, 1120 wds.) - Writers Forum

Titania · 03-07-2006, 10:01 PM

Author's Note:

The real action begins... the other parts are in my sig. Thanks for reading.

Forest of Rianyen

The dragon-slayers were upon them almost before he could react. There were five of them, all men, wearing the dark, spiked armor of the Serenden army and carrying a wide array of weapons. The leader hissed at him, thin lips twisted in an unholy smile. “Filthy little elvies, eh?”

Vistan smiled back, forcing Aset, whose eyes were wide as moons and twice as bright, behind him. One-versus-five odds, he noticed, keeping the human sword in a guard position, reaching down with his left hand to swiftly grab hold of the long dagger he kept in his belt. He had seen worse and survived. Not that he remembered offhand, perhaps, but surely he had been worse off before this, with all the hardships he had been through in life...

The human on the far left approached, a mace and chain in his hand. So they were going to take him one at a time, were they? “That’s my sword you’re carrying, elf boy. And I mean to get it back.”

Infuriated at this confirmation of his suspicions about the identity of Evanel’s murderers, Vistan leapt forward to meet the other, lunging with his weapons in both hands. A mischievous smirk on his face, adrenaline pumping full force through his nimble body, he met the human, sword to chain. He struggled to keep the spiked metal ball away, and then, inspired, spun around so quickly he was no more than a whirl of dark fabric and shimmering metal that caught the moonlight, and brought his dagger up and over, sending the fine blade slicing through the chain and then holding his sword to the throat of the stunned dragon-slayer. The human’s eyes were stunned. “How–? Bloody elf magic–“

“No,” Vistan said, as he angrily slit the man’s throat, feeling a sick sort of pleasure at revenging the death of the dragon, the deaths of everyone he had ever loved. “Bloody Amory steel.”

A scream came from behind him and he sprang back, turning around and cursing his naïve stupidity. He took a few steps towards Aset, towards where he guessed the dragon-slayers must have grabbed hold of her, hoping against hope that she would be unhurt... and his jaw dropped at what he saw.

The bodies of the other four humans lay unmoving on the ground—Aset was kneeling beside them, and he could hear the heavy sound of her breathing—but how had she—was her hair glowing? He staggered over to her, confused, grabbing hold of her shoulders in worry. With a gasp, he withdrew his hands, crying out at the intense heat emanating from her body. He looked in astonishment first at her, then at his palms, at the painful maze of welts and blisters, as if he had taken hold of a piece of iron fresh from the forge, and then his eyes met hers, and those eyes, like burning charcoals, engraved a fiery brand onto his soul. He tore his gaze away from her and turned to the dragon-slayers, probing at one of them in shock. The man’s body was still warm, his face and visible flesh charred, almost as if his skin had literally been melted off, and his armor–the metal was molten and misshapen, just barely beginning to cool. Vistan struggled to comprehend what had happened. The kind of power, the kind of heat, that it would take to melt iron like that, the kind of heat he had felt when he unthinkingly took her by the shoulders, was incredible.

Aset gave a sharp intake of breath suddenly, and when he spun to look at her, she was, inexplicably, shivering as if overtaken by a cold wind. In the gloom her skin had an almost deep blue cast, like the color of the night sky, the whites of her eyes strange clouds surrounding the dark stars of her pupils, her cascading red hair a supernova exploding against the comparably tranquil background. Her lips trembled, and her voice was still eloquent although equally uncertain. “What happened, Vistan?”

He gave her an odd look, attempting to gauge whether to be honest or gentle. She needed reassurance; that much was plain to see. “I was hoping you could tell me that, but regardless, everything is fine now.” He moved over to the other dragon-slayer, the one whose throat he had slit, and tore his sword-belt off, handing it to Aset. When she looked at him without comprehension, he pulled her up, ignoring the pain in his hands caused by her still-warm skin, and pulled the cloak he had given her further around, cutting crude holes in the side for her arms and tying the sword-belt relatively loosely around her waist. To do so he was again standing alarmingly close to her, and he could feel the heat still coming from her hair, although much to his relief it was fading fast. Grimacing, he gauged his work. At least now she was covered relatively well, considering what he had to work with. The thing that would cause the most trouble, were they to go anywhere, was her skin, which was impossible to disguise and unequivocally obvious.

He gazed at her steadily, evaluating. She seemed to have recovered–he should be more worried about his own mental state, really, he was the one who was in a forest with a strange woman who appeared to be an Amory and have powers that made anyone who attacked her get burned alive–and was merely watching him curiously, as if aware of his speculation. He tried to keep the urgency and confusion out of his voice. “Where are you trying to go? Are you looking for something, or some place?”

Her eyes brightened, and she spoke very rapidly, so quickly, in fact, that it was hard to keep up with her. “I must find a person, someone who is like me, someone who can help me. I must save the dragons.”

His sword clattered to the ground beside him, paralleling his mouth, which dropped wide open in stunned perplexity. With a few words she had just exemplified everything he had ever been trying to do in life—and a person like her, someone else with this strange black skin, that had to mean that there were more Amory still. She had brought hope; she had brought mystery; she had brought the faintest ray of light to illuminate a darkened world. I must save the dragons. He almost wanted to laugh at how simply she had captured such an impossible dream...or was it impossible? She was looking up at him, undauntedly, questioningly.

He took a deep breath. “Just tell me where you need to go, and I’ll take you there.”

Dephere · 03-07-2006, 10:49 PM

Hey, okay, here we go! I'm ready for some action packed reading! Okay, I'm being dramatic, as usual.

I'll point out a few things...

Quote:

The leader hissed at him, thin lips twisted in an unholy smile. “Filthy little elvies, eh?”

Oh, good I like this, it gives some character to this person already.

Quote:

...Vistan leapt forward to meet the other, lunging forward with his weapons in both hands.

And when you knew the Nazi himself was coming to take a look.

Quote:

“Bloody Amory steel.”

That's funny, it works in two ways...It made me laugh...

Quote:

...like burning charcoals, engraved a fiery brand onto his soul.

Oh, another good line. This piece has some good ones in it.

Quote:

...the kind of heat he had felt when he unthinkingly took her by the shoulders, was incredible, unprecedented.

I'm afraid that type of heat is not unprecedented - How do you think they made the sword? It had to get hot enough for them to be able to mold it.

Quote:

In the gloom her skin had an almost deep blue cast, like the color of the night sky, the whites of her eyes strange clouds surrounding the dark stars of her pupils, her cascading red hair a supernova exploding against the comparably tranquil background.

lol. I thought of your avatar. Some beautiful imagery here.

Quote:

...and pulled the quilty cloak...

You just had to put that in there, didn't you? I swear, you say one thing and you can never live it down...*urggg*

Uh-oh, I think the Nazi's coming...

Quote:

When she looked at him without comprehension, he pulled her to her feet, ignoring the pain in his hands caused by her still-warm skin, and pulled the quilty cloak he had given her further around her, cutting crude holes in the side for her arms, and tying the sword-belt relatively loosely around her waist.

Oh man was I right. I'm afraid you're going to have to be detained...

Quote:

...anyone who attacked her get burned alive...

"Get burned alive" just doesn't seem to work here, sounds like something a simpleton would say...Maybe "suffer from grievous burn wounds" or something along those lines that's a little less dramatic". I'm on a roll with the dramatic thing tonight.

Okay, nicely done...did you really expect me to say anything else. Your writing is really good.

Now, some things to work on:

Try livening up the action scene a little more. I felt like the spark was there, but there needs to be a little more. You simply told us what was happening, maybe throw some pinache (sp?) into it.

Other than that very minute complaint I think you have done great as usual.

Oh, and the fire thing seems very familiar. I'm trying to think....Oh, I know, it's a moster in D&D. They're a race of people called Azur, I think, and their skin burns and they have fire hair....

Not saying you stole it or anything, just telling you what it reminds me of.

Smooth flow always keeps me through your work.

Titania · 03-07-2006, 11:03 PM

I'm glad I made you laugh, I had some fun writing this one.

Lol, and I'll take the quilty thing out since it's not a word... but you knew I just had to put that in there. I can't help it.

*grumble* I'll have to change the "her" part, once I break out of the concentration camp.

I tend to have problems with one-on-one battle scenes, so yeah, I can see how it could use a bit of work. But thanks for the compliments and all.

Hm, I don't play D&D if it helps. And believe me there are twists on who she actually is, er, if I ever get around to writing that far anyway. I only have one more part done after this one.

Thanks for reading.

Dephere · 03-07-2006, 11:09 PM

Hey, I understand about the D&D thing, I believe that you didn't take it. You're more than creative enough to make it worlds apart from that.

Oh, and I had a character name from the Bible, which I've never read, but try denying that.

Titania · 03-07-2006, 11:19 PM

Lazarus you mean? That one was pretty bad... even I knew that one and I'm an atheist. But we forgive you

.

Wisp · 03-11-2006, 02:36 AM

I am getting tired looking at this screen for long periods of time...
Anyways- I thought it flowed nicely, and I will try and point out some things I liked, because everyone loves good feedback.

Quote:

she had just exemplified everything he had ever been trying to do in life

Exemplified. Great word.

Quote:

Vistan smiled back, forcing Aset, whose eyes were wide as moons and twice as bright, behind him.

Nice description here, but it kinda goes together a little oddly in this sentence. You would think the description would be about his appearence, and not his eyes.

Quote:

The human on the far left approached, a mace and chain in his hand. So they were going to take him one at a time, were they? “That’s my sword you’re carrying, elf boy. And I mean to get it back.”

I like how you show the emotions of the dragon-slayers, but I think they should have some sort of accent, to seperate them more from the elves by just emotion.

Quote:

The man’s body was still warm, his face and visible flesh charred, almost as if his skin had literally been melted off,

Not quite getting what you ment to say here, but then again I am pretty tired.

-=+-=+-=+=-+=-+=-

Overall, looks great. I will try and give you my opinions on the first few tomarrow.

Titania · 03-11-2006, 02:40 AM

Lol, I'll be patient Wisp, sorry for making your eyes hurt

. Thanks again for commenting and for the compliments!

Wisp · 03-11-2006, 02:43 AM

No problem. It was a great part of the story, and I was glad to put my comments in.

darthwader · 03-13-2006, 06:52 AM

Ah, the mysterious naked woman, found by herself, insecure in her surroundings, but holding a deep and powerful secret which will no doubt come as a surprise to all...

No matter how many times this has been done, it never loses its impact. The simple fact that although any reader would know that she's eventually gonna go all super-saiyan on the bad guys, it's still interesting to read, because you still don't quite know how she'll do it.

I am liking this story.

A few notes

Quote:

One-versus-five odds, he analyzed...

One-versus-five. Not exactly the type of thing you'd analyze. You might notice it, take note, realize... but I wouldn't go with analyze.

Quote:

he met the human sword to chain.

Is this supposed to be that he used the human sword (the one that killed the dragon) against the chain? If so, then this sentence is fine.

However, if not, I think it should be, 'met the human, sword to chain.'

Quote:

and then, inspired, spun around, so quickly he was no more...

This comma is unnecessary, and slows down the pacing here. It works with or without the comma, but I personally would go without.

Once again, a great read. Tell me when you get published. because I want to read the whole thing.

Titania · 03-13-2006, 06:50 PM

For the record I'm jumping up and down right now because of that last compliment...

!

Lol, I'm glad you're liking it and you're pointing out some very good things... thanks as always! It was meant to be sword to chain with a comma. I'll have to go and change that.

Thanks again

darthwader · 03-14-2006, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Lol, I'm glad you're liking it and you're pointing out some very good things...

You and Dephere are rubbing off on me.

Titania · 03-14-2006, 06:52 PM

That's because our plan to take over WF, beginning with the fiction section, is obviously working...

darthwader · 03-15-2006, 06:51 AM

Ah, I see... I've unwittingly joined the ranks of your internet army.

Hey, I like that. I might write a story about it.

Oasis Writer · 03-30-2006, 08:54 PM

Very good chapter. I'm behind, I know, I'm catching up. Very good work. This is all I saw.

Quote:

He struggled to keep the spiked metal ball away, and then, inspired, spun around so quickly he was no more than a whirl of dark fabric and shimmering metal that caught the moonlight, and brought his dagger up and over, sending the fine blade slicing through the chain and then holding his sword to the throat of the stunned dragon-slayer.
(New paragraph with speaker)
The human’s eyes were stunned. “How–? Bloody elf magic–“

New paragraph with new speaker.

Quote:

The bodies of the other four humans lay unmoving on the ground—Aset was kneeling beside them, and he could hear the heavy sound of her breathing—but how had she—was her hair glowing?

Just the dashes again, I know you can do better. And, you know I would mention them.

Quote:

The man’s body was still warm, his face and visible flesh charred, almost as if his skin had literally been melted off, and his armor–the metal was molten and misshapen, just barely beginning to cool.

Another dash. You know, I'll stop pointing them out and just say, all the dashes that aren't in interuption of speech.

Quote:

In the gloom her skin had an almost deep blue cast, like the color of the night sky, the whites of her eyes strange clouds surrounding the dark stars of her pupils, her cascading red hair a supernova exploding against the comparably tranquil background.
(New paragraph for speech)
Her lips trembled, and her voice was still eloquent although equally uncertain. “What happened, Vistan?”

New paragraph for speech.

Quote:

“I was hoping you could tell me that, but regardless, everything is fine now.”
(New paragraph, for change of subject)
He moved over to the other dragon-slayer, the one whose throat he had slit, and tore his sword-belt off, handing it to Aset.

As red says.

Quote:

To do so, (Comma) he was again standing alarmingly close to her, and he could feel the heat still coming from her hair, although much to his relief it was fading fast.

Just the comma.
___

And all the dashes that aren't in interuptions in speech.

Otherwise, very good part, action filled and a page-turner, however you want to look at that. Very good work.