Balance part 4: The Man in White's Mission - Writers Forum

Rayner · 03-06-2006, 10:00 PM

Balance part 4: The Man in White's Mission

Asmen was not a foolish man, not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but not a fool by any means. Asmen lived at peace as a farmer with his family, he had long come at ease with this simple life. He had also accepted the fact that he was a minor chracter and not that important. Today he was taking his horse out for a ride when he heard a strange noise.

poom

It hadn't been a "boom" or a "pop", but rather like some bizzare estranged cousin of the two sounds. He looked at the ground and saw a small red object. He stopped the horse, got off and picked it up. It seemed to be a name tag of some sort,he read it to himself.

"Let Fixn's fix you something special!",then under the slogan was the name,"Sarah W.". Asmen turned it in his hands, it was cold to the touch.

"Perhaps someone dropped this..." he pondered.

poom

The same odd sound, only this time, it was a little louder. Asmen turned and saw a black hat lying a little ways off. That hadn't been there before he was positive. Well...then again, perhaps the dark color had led him to miss it...

poom...poom

Once again Asmen could not make heads or tails out of this sound. He turned to see two new items, a sturdy looking white cane and a funnny, round, white hat. Now he was positive he could not have missed those, he had just passed there less then a minute ago! Now, Asmen was used to seeing one of the trees in the forest opening up occasionally and eating a person, but objects popping out of thin air was something he was not comfortable with. This could mean two possibilities, either magic or wizardry. He tried to think what one of the other farmers would do in this situation.
1. Screaming-ex. It is a sign of eeeevvvvvvvvvviiiilllllllll!
2. More screaming-ex. We must burn this accursed place to rid ourselves of the eeeevvvvvvvvviiiilllllllll!
3.Ignore or rationalize-ex Hmmmm...a three headed demon from the abyss...must be the new nieghbor.
Asmen first checked to see if he had any matches, finding none, he deciede to ignore and rationalize.

This is all just some trash left from some careless campers, he thought happily, yeah thayt makes sen-

pop-pop-poom-poom-poom-pop-pop

Alright, thought Asmen, that was ,ere, that was-

poom-pop-poom-pop-poom

Maybe I should leave now-

poom-pop-pop-poom-pop-poom

Yep I'm leaving right now! Just keep moving, just keep moving, just keep m-

"Excuse me sir..."

Damn, so close...

"I was wondering if you could inform me exactly where I am."

Asmen turned to look at the man standing by him. He was dressed entirely in white. He had put on the white hat and the cane was resting on his shoulder.
Strangly, his lapels were raised to obscure his face.

But it was not that last fact that bothered Asmen, no, there was something about about the light around the man...it seemed to be reflecting off something that was all over him...

Oh, he's stabbed with with hundreds with hundreds of shards of glass. Lets see...I bet thats just some new fad. Yeah thats it!

"Uhhh-"
"Excuse me sir,I hate to interrupt, but I feel that I must inform you that 'uhhh' is not a word. I suggest you replace this pesky sound with words or phrases such as 'Well...' or 'Let me see'; just thought I would suggest that to you."
"Well..."
"There you go!"
"Your in a country called Delaware.
"I'm in the 38 countries? Dear me, I must say I'm a far ways off from Britania!"

Asmen was surprised by this ( well next to the glass, this was nothing, but still.) , Britania was a good distance away, yet this man ( "man" not necessarily meaning human, after all, the man refused to bleed a drop of blood.) seemed not to have known he was on an entirely different continent. At the moment, The Man in White was examining his glove; a strange symbol was burned into it.

The Man in White then turned his attention to Asmen's horse.

"The poor thing looks tired."
"I wouldn't worry sir, he's a tough beast, I sure he'll be fine."
"Yes, but is he a tough, happy beast? It's my life's mission to bring happiness all things..."
"Your mission in life is to make horses...happy?"
"Not just horses, everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything." replied The Man in white cheerfully as he stabbed Asmen with his cane.

To be continued...

TheReMonstor · 03-06-2006, 11:17 PM

This is one of the more aggravating things I've read in recent memory. Okay "read" is used loosely. I think I actually grazed it. Which is actually very generous. This reminds me of one of those crappy anime comic books that reads from back to front. Maybe an anime forum would be better suited for your needs. I think I read in one of the first posts of yours, that someone suggested taking out the bold and different sized writing, but you've apparently disregarded that. I'm not sure what effect you desire it to have on the reader, but it doesn't work in any way I can think of except annoyance. If I were you I'd read all the critiques and seriously consider them before posting more of your stuff.

Smaointe · 03-07-2006, 10:35 AM

Ok some of the spelling I spotted

["I was womdering if you could]
think you meant WONDERING.

This sentence was confusing.

[Oh, HES stabbed WITH with HUNDREDS with hundreds of shards of glass.]
If he's stammering then you need to put ... after with, and hundreds; and HES, should be HE'S

The font was kind of confusing to read, and overall this isn't one of my favorite parts, mainly because it didn't really tell me anything. But it might be important sometime in the story. I haven't read enough to be sure.

Don't get discouraged with it though. It's still a good story line. It just needs a little work.

Rayner · 03-07-2006, 04:05 PM

Sorry about this one guys. The font, does it need to be smaller or larger, I can't tell on my computer, I think theres something wrong with it...
As alawys all critisisim is welcomed.

Smaointe · 03-08-2006, 11:23 AM

lol, I know the feeling, my computer is a piece of junk too. I can't wait until I get my new one.
Anyway, the font just changes size, half of it is really big and the other half is smaller.