Black_ghost

Here's a work I been keeping on my computer for ages. I just fixed it up, so there may be some small errors every here and there. Some good feedback would be good (be they good or bad). Just say sometime useful so i can write better. Please don't point out my grammar mistakes, as i can always fix those easily.




There is a tale about an ancient land. The land existed before the third Eden of men and between the second gardens of the true God. The name of this land has been lost with time, but the end of this great land is well known.

The ruler of this land treated his people fairly and justly. Thus, he was a great king. He held the greatest of thinkers and could himself, read the stars and the numbers between them. Thus, he was a wise king. He held rule over the devils and angels of his land. Thus, he was a powerful king. His land was peaceful, fruitful and his palace filled with the strangest of items, from lamps of jinns to books of lost gods. Thus, his land was a city of gold and of magic.

One day, a traveler came into his land and demanded to see the king. The king foresaw this visit, and allowed the traveler to see his audience. The king asked the traveler to who he was. With this, the traveler undressed himself and spoke strange words. The traveler’s body changed like the shadow beyond the shadow. When he was done, he became the goat demon of destruction.

The demon looked at the king, but saw no fear from the king. The king looked upon the goat demon and asked what was its business. It told the king that unless he could answer its question within one week, it would destroy the king's golden city. But if it could answer it question, than his city would live on till sands of time became no more.

The king laughed, for he had the powerful magicians and great thinkers around him. Even more, he knew that he was the wisest of the thinkers in his land. There was no question he couldn't answer. The king asked what the demon's question was.

The demon said, "Oh, king of this golden city, whose lights mirror that of the heavens and whose beauty is that of the garden of the true God, tell me this. What is power?"

The king gave a laugh, and replied, "Power is how I rule."

The demon gave a grin and answered, “You are wrong, but you have one week to give me the right answer." After saying this, it was gone in a puff of smoke that smelled of foul fire.

The king asked his greatest thinkers and his most powerful magicians. They searched the stars, the heavens and pits of the under-earth. Yet, they could not answer his question. The king questioned the wisest of angels and foulest of devils, but none could answer him. The king used his most powerful magical items, and was met with failure.

The days went by fast, and with it, the king's hope. Thus, he went to his people. The king’s quest reached place all about his great city of gold, from the marketplace where half-beast half-human creatures were sold as love slaves, to the deepest level of his palace where his enemies would never taste the sweet nectar of a woman, or see the beauty of a sunset again. Yet, none could answer his question correctly. Two days before the demon would return, a servant came to the king and spoke of a crazy old man from the east living in a lone hut. The king gathered his men, and marched to this hut.

They reached the hut within half a day. Inside, they found the old man.

The king asked him, "Are you the sage I heard about?"

The old man replied, "He who calls himself a sage, is but a fool." The king smiled, for he liked the answer. He told the old man his story. The old man went silent for a second or three and spoke.

The old man answered him with the following story:


“There was once a monk in the land of China, a land not of this world yet far to the east. He wanted to know what power was, so that he could stop men from fighting over it. He prayed to his god, Buda, though Buda was not a god. That night Buda came to him in a dream and told him that he would give the monk the answer, only if the monk did as Buda told him.

The monk agreed and woke up. Just then, he heard Buda’s voice. It told him to climb the mountain near his temple. The monk set forth and readied climbed this mountain with his bare hands and feet. But when the monk began to climb the mountain, it turned to sharp metal. Still, the monk began to climb. The mountain bled his hands and feet. After three moons, he reached the top of the mountain, bloody and covered in sweat.

Upon the top, the monk looked down and saw the mountain turned back into earth and stone. The monk meditated and there, he met Buda. Buda smiled and told him to walk back to his temple. The monk went forth, without resting and walked back to his temple.

The road before the monk turned to fire. The fire dug deep inside his flesh, burning his very being. Still, he went despite the pain. As he looked back, he saw trails of blood marking his past, and ahead he saw the fire than mark his future. Soon, after two moons and three suns, he reached his temple. There he fainted from the pain, and dreamed again.

In his dream, Buda told him to swim the river near his temple. After this, Buda told him, he would tell the monk the answer. The monk woke up, his body raw from the mountain and his soul torn from the walk. He walked outside, moving towards the river.

There, upon the river side, he laid his burned, torn clothes, and began to swim. But as he did, the creatures of the river came and tore his flesh. They ripped his flesh and devoured his insides. Still, the monk swam on and at last, reached the end. Tired, bloody, weak and near death, he fell asleep.

The monk had wonderful dream. He was in a land of clouds, moving like the summer wind. He drifted without reality, and soon land upon a high hill. Upon the hill, Buda was sitting. Buda asked the monk if he wanted to know the answer to his question. The monk smiled at Buda, and told him that he already knew the answer. Buda smiled back, and was gone. The monk became the summer wind again, and drifted towards where ever the summer winds drifts to. The next day, villagers found the dead monk near the river. "

After hearing the story, the king became silent. Then with a smile upon his face, he spoke, “I shall only ask you three times, and no more than for the answer. I can give you riches beyond your dreams, girls that have never known a man, and scrolls with the powers to shape the stars if you tell me the answer to your story. But deny me three times, and I shall have your head.”

The first time he asked, the old man smiled and became silent. The king waited and asked again. Again, the old man was silent. For a third time, the king demanded. The old man bent his neck forth and said nothing. With a gesture of the king’s hand, his warrior took off the head of the old man. The king went back to his kingdom without an answer. On the eight day, the kingdom was in flames.

__________________
I dreamt yesterday that i would wake up.
Is this a dream, or am i asleep?

Two Souls and A Broken Mirror
Heaven and Above
The Demon's Riddle
The Princess Snow
The Clouds Are Nice
The Keeper of Time

Dephere

Hey, I'm going to give this a read through and tell you what I think. I always point out a few things first, so what you don't want just don't take.

Hope this helps you...

Okay, I'm not a fan of repetition, something many people can tell you *waves to Titania*, so I feel I have to point this out. You can replace or get rid of some of these to make the beginning flow better.

Well, now that I see this I think that whole "land" thing may have been done on purpose, but I don't see what purpose it serves. If it works for your story, then by all means keep it. I'm just pointing out things that I see...

The "to" can be eliminated to make the sentence flow better...

Should be "he", then "his" or "its"...The last bold should be "then"...

Not real sure what this was supposed to mean, maybe make "place" into "places"...

Again, I'm not sure what you meant here, maybe "readied" should be "readily"...

Perhaps this should be "that marked"...

Perhaps it should be "landed"...

Should be "drift"...

I liked this story, it had that fairy tale, moral, fable type of feel...It was nicely executed and your writing establishs the style early one.

There were many occurances of strange sentences, where either it was missing a word or something needed to be pluralized, but other than that this piece was nice.

It was very easy to get through!

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Titania

Ok, well I tend to work in much the same way Dephere does... *waves to Deph* but I'll try not to repeat anything... and we are trying to help, just keep that in mind (it's weird going right after him like this...)

Hm, personally I think the "thus" thing sort of works, or at least I think I understand what you were trying to do. It gives it an interesting feel. I do think maybe change the repetition of "land" that Deph pointed out though.

I think this should be peaceful and fruitful...er, sorry, pretend I didn't say that. You said not to point out grammar stuff so I'll try really hard...

The last "thus" phrase felt off a bit because it wasn't quite like the others (he was a ___ king)

*dissolves into helpless laughter* sorry, I just... um. I thought this was really funny... was it supposed to be? If not I do apologize! If it's intended seriously, however, I, um, might suggest something other than a goat .

You might want to try formatting the tale a bit differently, maybe putting a quotation mark at the beginning (but not the end) of each of the middle paragraphs just to remind us that the guy's still talking?

There is a very nice feel to this... it's so simplistic (in a good way) and there's certainly a moral to the story. It reminds me of reading some sort of mythological fable and, while there is a lot of repetition (especially of the word "king"), to some extent it captures the tone of the tale. I say to some extent because I felt like, in some parts, it may have been a little overdone. But it was a nice, easy read. Thanks for sharing

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Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

TheReMonstor

I would change it to "There is a tale of an ancient land", just flows smoother. One thing I always do is capitalize things in my writing. In this case I would have made it: Third Eden of Men - Second Gardens of the True God. I'm not sure why I insist on this, but I think it makes it look better and by having them capitalized it makes them feel more important. Just a suggestion though.

I really enjoyed this paragraph. The reiteration of the "Thus," line was pleasant. After reading the story, it seemed more of a fable, which can often include a style in which it's written. I would suggest making the the "Thus," lines separate paragraphs of their own. Ex.

The ruler of this land treated his people fairly and justly.
Thus, he was a great king.
He held the greatest of thinkers and could himself, read the stars and the numbers between them.
Thus, he was a wise king.

But I would also suggest that you change the first one. "Great" is very broad when the others are more specific to the King. When you say "He held the greatest thinkers", I'm not sure that "held" is correct. It does get what you're trying to say across, but it snags me every time I read it. I really love "lamps of jinns to books of lost gods". Such a simple sentence, but it really adds a lot of depth to the world of the King.

"The King" is used way too much in this paragraph. Find another way to describe The King or re-word the sentences.

"like a shadow beyond the shadow" doesn't really describe anything. I'm not sure anyone knows what that could mean, it just sounds cool. But that does't make it good. Think more of what the demons changing would look like in real life. But keep it one sentence because that's how everything is done throughout the story (which is a very strong part of it). Also, "goat demon", to be honest just sounds dumb. I do like the visual image because I can imagine a pretty sweet goat demon (Warhammer - Chaos Army), but it doesn't sound right. I looked up goat and goat demon on Wikipedia and found out that the goat belongs to the Capra genus. Also, the Markhor is a type of goat, so if you used one of those in substitute, a Capra Demon or Markhor Demon, it just sounds better. And if people feel the need (and good readers will), they'll look it up if they don't already know what it means.

Again with the constant use of "The King".

Missing word, "for he had the "most" powerful".

I'm not sure what the King's reply is supposed to mean. Being the wisest of all thinkers, I think he should have something that makes sense. This can be tricky, becasue you've already rasied The King onto a mighty high pedestal, so you can't have him respond with an obvious answer, but to further the story, it can't be the correct one either.


This is an odd thing to happen in a city as magnificent as The Kings. Seems out of place.



I think you should pick one, either the woman or the sunset. It seems a lot of attention is directed towards the prisoners. Both aren't necessary to the story.

"Marched" doesn't strike me as the correct way. I would use "rode" or something along those lines. A king doesn't usually march.

Alright. I know that I didn't get the meaning of the old monk's tale or what the true meaning of power was. And apparently neither did the King. And since he didn't, it contradicted everything about the King. I also found it odd that the King would kill the only man whom it seemed knew the answer. Having the King never find out what the meaning was kind of seems like a way for you not having to explain the meaning yourself, because maybe you didn't really have an answer in mind. Maybe you do and you want readers to find it, but I think there needs to be more clues. Also, ending the story and an entire kingdom in one sentence is very abrupt and leaves a lot of loose ends.

I found the story to be really good, but the ending made me frustrated. I think that you've captured the way to tell a fable or mystical tale very well. Short sentences that say a lot, magic and intruige, it's all there. I can't name in particular what this reminds me of, but I found a bit of recollection while reading it. I think it was the part of the question and having dire consequences for it not being answered correctly. Sounds familiar.

Like I said, I liked the story and the style with which you told it. Tighten it up grammtically and maybe explore the possibiltiy of what the answer to the question is and maybe even reconsider the ending, and I think you've got some real potential for the story. If you get time, hollar at the stories in my sig and tell me what you think.

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Black_ghost

Haha...I liked the replies. TheReMonstor, Titania and Dephere. Thanks. I know i should have change the overuse of the words, but i posted this quite fast, just to see how it would fair. Haha. Though, as i said, i could have fixed it, that is if i really cared enough to ever get this published. Or at least find any of my stories worthly of spending my useless time. Haha.

To clear some things out, since i feel they probably need it.

Titania. The goat demon is really the goat devil. Uses in many tales of destruction. You'll read about this fallen angel, and laugh about the sad torment it brings about itself and others. Or you could just say that it was cast into the fiery pits, where darkness will hold it for a while, that is until the final battle happens. Haha. Gotta love stories that aren't in the Bible, but rather upon the books casted from them. Mythology is fun, so long as they can be a mirror to watch ourselves and marvel as we all know who sits upon the golden seat in heaven. Haha.

TheRemonstor. The shadow beyond the shadow refers to that shadow that shines when the lights hits upon a thing. Notice how there are mutiple shadow about, walking and bending, mixing the true shadow and leaving a fake one. Just walk upon the streets at night and look down. There are six shadows. Do they all dream? Haha.

Also, the answer is in the story, or at least the truest answer i have ever found to that question. It would be a waste to give the answer away, since i feel that it would bring a false sense of enlightenment, that is, if enlightenment does exist. Haha.

Its like asking yourself, If God came down and offered to grant you one wish, what would you wish for? Or as i like, one of my favorite questions to ask any person who values his intelligence, "If your best friend got killed by getting f*** by a horse, and you had to be the one who speaks at his funeral, what would you say?" Hahaha. That'll just about throws off everyone.

Anways, I would surely love to hear what you thought the answer to the story was and see if a whole civilzation falls because of what you did or didn't say.

PS. the best answer i ever heard for the god question was my little bro. He wanted a genie who would grant him three wishes. Haha. Only someone with pure imagnation could wish for that. Don't ask what i wished for, as it was quite in my personally to do. Hahaha.

__________________
I dreamt yesterday that i would wake up.
Is this a dream, or am i asleep?

Two Souls and A Broken Mirror
Heaven and Above
The Demon's Riddle
The Princess Snow
The Clouds Are Nice
The Keeper of Time