Dephere

Author's Note:

Hey, this is a short story I just started to write...I needed something to work on while I'm not working on Dark Men. lol. Tell me what you guys think....

“It’s the way we think that dictates how we view the world.” The crisp clean voice seemed almost a whisper. He cut his speech short, looking towards his pupil. The small, brown haired girl was staring out the window, her delicate hand holding her smooth face aloft.

“Do you understand what I’m getting at, Cythera?” His question was met with a wall of silence as the girl continued to stare out the window; his eyes quickly followed to see what sparked so much interest. Snow continued to fall delicately upon the land, the white substance seeming to congeal with the pale sea upon contact. The sight was nothing he hadn’t seen a thousand times. “Your attention seems to be wandering; perhaps it was something I said.” Cythera still did not turn to meet his gaze. “Cythera!” His terse reprimand brought her back in a flash. Her azure eyes were brimming with tears and the salty liquid threatened to fall as she looked at Musdeth with a piercing gaze.

“What is it, my dear?” His tone rang solid with sympathy, but that only served to push her further from his grasp; her head turned once more to gaze upon the snowy display. “Winter will be over soon. It comes this time every year you know.” His feeble attempt at humor was lost in the deepening abyss of sorrow, the chasm widening with each spoken word. “Is it something I’ve done?” He continued to seek the source of the problem.

Her brown locks were drawn around her face like a veil, hiding the tears that must have been falling, but he couldn’t simply let her cry, could he? Women never seemed to make sense to him, especially the younger ones. Her father hadn’t prepared him for this; he had only been hired to teach, not to counsel.

“Do you want to talk about something else? We could talk about the festival, or even that book you always have your nose in these days —” His words were met with an audible sob, her body trembling as her tears finally bled their sweet release. As her body shook Musdeth stepped forward, extending a reluctant hand to comfort the girl, but this seemed to do nothing. His large hand met her auburn and velvet dress in an awkward manner while Cythera let her tears do their job.

“I can’t help you, Cythera, unless you talk to me.” He withdrew his hand in a show of respect, walking to the front of the room as before, but hoping this girl would confide in him was turning out to be an unforgiving responsibility.

“I’m sorry,” Her words burst forth with another bout of sobs, nearly indiscernible amongst her surging breath. She now looked at Musdeth, his own soft features seeming to provide some comfort to the grieving girl, but his tall stature and jet black hair couldn’t possibly be enough to placate her grief. His face was decorated with a small amount of joy as he realized he had broken through her emotional defense.

“Sorry for what, Cythera?” He feared she may have chosen silence once more as she let the tears fall.

“I can’t be...be here anymore. They, they’ve been chosen, Musdeth.” With that said she let the grief wrack her body once more. It hit Musdeth in a sudden flow of sorrow. Here she was apologizing for not being able to attend his lessons anymore, when indeed it should be him sharing his condolences, if her parents had been chosen. He had heard the stories before, never experienced them firsthand, or known anybody who had, but to hear them was bad enough. The poor people were ousted from their homes in a violent rage, only nerveless reasons thrown to the ones who remained. ‘The Republic needs them.', or, 'They’ve been chosen to carry out their duties.’

Musdeth stepped forward once more, leaning down to hug his pupil. Cythera released her sorrow through incessant sobs as Musdeth did what he could to soothe her.

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Titania

I suppose this means I'm not allowed to harass you for not writing more of Dark Men. Hmph...

I'd put a comma between "short" and "looking"

Ok I'm only saying this because I know I can be picky with your writing... if you think about this sentence, the subject of it is "his question", rather than he, and then the second part is "the girl", which means that if you have a third subject ("his eyes") you can't use a gerund (-ing word), it has to be a conjugated verb, like this:
His question was met with a wall of silence as the girl continued to stare out the window; his eyes quickly followed to see what sparked so much interest.
I guess I really don't know how best to explain this, but... am I making any sense? (probably not, it's too late at night, lol)

I'd forgive this since it's dialogue but technically this should be a semicolon

What is it, my dear?

this comma should either be a colon or a semicolon

This question mark bothers me because I'm not convinced he's saying it like a question, and if not, you don't have to have the question mark. Grammar behanged.

First comma should be a semicolon

lol, I think you know what I'm going to say here

I think there should be a "but" or some other word before the "even" here, or else it has to be a semicolon rather than a comma

broken

The "after all" seemed to interrupt the flow of the sentence and sound odd... maybe "if" instead?

I think these are two seperate "reasons" given to those left behind, so it should be:
'The Republic needs them,' or 'they've been chosen to carry out their duties.'

As always you have a nice style, etc. and good vocab. A bit less action-filled than what I've seen from you before, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Thanks for sharing.

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Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Dephere

lol. Wow, I never knew I could miss so much...It's amazing. Thank you so much.

I know there's not very much action, I guess that might not be a good thing if I want to hook my readers, but it's just a lead up...Maybe I should get a different starting point?

Thank you for saying I have a nice style, etc. and good vocab.

Your comments are always appreciated Titania.

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Titania

The lack of action didn't bother me, but I do think there's a tendency with people here to want to read stuff that's action-packed... sad but true... without knowing the rest of the storyline I can't really judge though.

And lol, you're not really missing that much... I just have a really fine-toothed comb that has a semicolon radar... or something... was I making any sense with my random grammar ramblings?

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Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

TSMaloy

Needs a new title. I, personally, think the word "sorrow" is overused in writing. It isn't verbally said often, but is WAY over written!

Good job! Everything looks good!

Dephere

Thanks, the title is my weakest thing every time I write, but thanks for the suggestion.

Titania you never make sense. lol. I'm just playing, you made enough sense for me to understand what you were trying to say.

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darthwader

Nice technique, but I do feel it needs some more action (not as in action-action, but as in actual physical movement.) there is a bit of a 'floating heads' thing going on in places, where the people seem to be nothing but voices and eyes.

Good leadup though.


As for the title, I don't think it's too bad, but If you are going to change it, maybe you shouldn't start it with Republic. e.g. Mourner's Republic (i know that sucks, but you get what I mean.)

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Smaointe

I don't think it's too bad. Agree about the title though, but it isn't very far in yet so lack of action dosen't bother me. Yet. lol. Good work Dephere.

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Yesterday we shook hands, my friend
Today a moonbeam lightens my path
My guardian

Dephere

Thank you both...

It's funny this lack of action is different from me, people who read my Dark Men series would know this. lol.

I will be writing more and hope that I can avoid the "floating heads" aspect and there will definitly be much more action.

Thanks for taking the times guys, it's much appreciated.

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kalibantre

Well, you certainly didn't need me here, you little critique whore, you. haha, (it's been a long uncreative day)

anyway... I liked that, I'm not much of an action girl as you may have gathered, I like writng about the little details and whatnot and I really enjoyed reading this. You can tell you're a fantasy writer with those names, and the fact you used azure, not bad things just made me think of fantasy. I really liked that, obviously theres more to it, and I'm very very much intruiged. I think Titania got all the grammar mistakes and I don't think I could fault it now.

Absoultely fantabulous

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~kitty

Dephere

Fantabulous huh? Well that just made my day...I have something to add to my resume. "I've been called a fantabulous writer", as well as a critique whore. lol.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it!

Oh, and I am very much a fantasy writer....

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kalibantre

I know you are, just becomes self evident when you see the names you choose. heh.

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~kitty

Wisp

All I can say is that it looks great, and like TSmaloy said, you used sorrow a little frequently at the end. My advice is to start at a different part in the story- maybe start by showing the reader what The Republic does to Cythera's parents, but other than that it looks good. Also- I like the title, it goes good with the piece as long as you change the sorrow repeats at the end.

Dephere

I only used "sorrow" once at the end...

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.

Hmm, starting at that point would provide some more action to begin with, wouldn't it? That's a good idea, I might try that out.

Thanks again!

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Danny77

As always man, love your writing. Keep it up.

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The Salad Bar Game