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| Fiction Horror, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Adventure, Thrillers etc. |
04-01-2006, 07:07 PM
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#31
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: California
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,110
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Hey, thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it...
What exactly do you mean about letting it flow more?...I would love to improve and any advice is appreciated!
I hope to hear what you think about the other parts as well.  |
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04-12-2006, 01:56 PM
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#32
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Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
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I think you should edit this. Too many words, not much really happening. Reading it like wading in deep water. The best paragraphs are the most concise, without extra adjectives. Keep it simple.
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04-12-2006, 02:57 PM
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#33
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: California
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,110
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It's been edited to get rid of the mistakes, but I think concise and pointed sentences would make my style obsolete. The story would be bland and dry without descriptions and adjectives.
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Originally Posted by tiltd 1
The best paragraphs are the most concise, without extra adjectives.
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That's a matter of opinion...but what exactly are you suggesting. I mean, do you like reading stories that tell you what happens....(i.e. Cythera held her head and cried, while Musdeth tried to sympathize with this girl.)
I want my pieces to emotionally and personally effect people, something I can't do in pointed and brief senteces.
Thanks for reading and the advice....! |
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04-14-2006, 10:21 AM
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#34
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jul 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,303
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Quote:
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As her body shook Musdeth stepped forward,
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A comma behind "shook" (?)
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His face was decorated with a small amount of joy as he realized he had broken through her emotional defense.
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A bit long to have no comma in.
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‘The Republic needs them.', or, 'They’ve been chosen to carry out their duties.’
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Lol, some quotation marks look as if they were written in MS Word ( ‘ ’ ) and others don't ( ' ' ).
Oh, I like it very much. It really gets you hooked, and I'm off to read the 2nd part 
EDIT: I just saw somebody adviced you to re-write it; hell no, I really like it this way. You're good with describing feelings and all that |
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04-14-2006, 01:24 PM
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#35
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: California
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,110
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Hey, Ruben, I'm so glad you deemed me fit to receive a critique.
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Originally Posted by Ruben
I just saw somebody adviced you to re-write it; hell no, I really like it this way. You're good with describing feelings and all that
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Hey, I wasn't going to re-write it, but it's good to hear that you agree with me. I'm really am glad you enjoyed it and that you appreciate my writing. It always makes my day when I hear that.
THANKS FOR READING!!!
Yes, that's right, I pay my critquers.... |
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