Republic of Sorrow - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Dephere · 03-06-2006, 09:52 PM

Hey, Danny, an old fan from Dark Men. lol. Thanks for reading man, it means a lot that you have stayed faithful...Hey, did you ever get to read my last few part? If you want to and can't find them just PM me and I'll give you a link.

Blackhawk_t · 03-07-2006, 02:57 AM

First off, let me start by saying that this is another wonderful masterpiece in the making. I had to read it twice, and slowly to try and find some possible mistakes. I say possible, because they may not be. I'm just a reader.

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“It’s the way we think that dictates how we view the world,”

Instead of a comma at the end. I think you should use a period. That's just me though.

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his eyes quickly followed to see what sparked so much interest.

I would omit quickly. When you think about it, if you see someone staring out a window, you naturally instantly look over towards what they might be staring at. If that makes sense. It's up to you...works either way. Maybe it's a bad example of something to fix. In fact.....just leave it in there and disregard this. But, because I took the time to write this, I'm not going to omit it.

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Snow continued to fall delicately upon the land, the white substance seeming to congeal with the pale sea upon contact.

What about instead of substance....you used flakes? May or may not work. You decide.

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“Your attention seems to be wandering; perhaps it was something I said.”

Do you think a question mark might work better after the word said? To me it sounds as if he is questioning her throughout the story as to why she is ignoring him.

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Her azure eyes were brimming with tears and the salty liquid threatened to fall as she looked at Musdeth with a piercing gaze.

What about 'they met' here instead of 'she looked at'? You have looked and gaze in the same sentence. May or may not work.

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His feeble attempt at humor was lost in the deepening abyss of sorrow, the chasm widening with each spoken word. “Is it something I’ve done?” He continued to seek the source of the problem.

I feel the last sentence could be omitted. It feels as if it's overkill. You already get the sense that he is pushing for answers.

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His words were met with an audible sob, her body trembling as her tears finally bled their sweet release.

Good description....couldn't have been put better.

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His large hand met her auburn and velvet dress in an awkward manner while Cythera let her tears do their job.

It sounds as if auburn and velvet are either two different colors or fabric. Maybe put her auburn velvet dress, or velvet auburn dress. The last part was kind of confusing. I know what you meant, but what job were they doing? Maybe try a different set of words in there. I can't come up with anything better at 2 in the morning.

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She now looked at Musdeth, his own soft features seeming to provide some comfort to the grieving girl, but his tall stature and jet black hair couldn’t possibly be enough to placate her grief.

I know how you like to get on people for repeating words....yes they are spelled a little differently, but you know where I'm coming from.

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With that said she let the grief wrack her body once more.

How about saying...'She answered, letting the grief...

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He had heard the stories before, never experienced them firsthand, or known anybody who had, but to hear them was bad enough.

I would break this up into two sentences. Such as : He had heard the stories before, but never experience them first hand. Nor had he known anyone who had, but to hear them was bad enough.

That's all for this story. Hope I didn't tear it up too much. And again....these are subtle changes, if any are actually needed. And as always.....good work.

Dephere · 03-07-2006, 03:53 PM

Hey man, thanks for reading and all of the advice...I will go through this and see what I can take and work into the story.

I really appreciate it!

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Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t

First off, let me start by saying that this is another wonderful masterpiece in the making.

You flatter me, you really do. It means a lot to hear this! You're always appreciated.

aliceedelweiss · 03-07-2006, 05:08 PM

You write wonderfully as always, I really like how you(just like in darkmen) hardly explain the background of your story(like the parent thing) till just the right moment. and it never sounds like an info dump, it sounds like it belongs there. your POV for this story is great, the way it flows. even if this is just for something to do when darkmen is boring, its rather good I think. of course, you did write it, so what am I to expect? Is it fantasy like darkmen, or what is intended?
Alice

Dephere · 03-07-2006, 05:17 PM

It's fantasy, but has a more realistic feel to it...There's another part as well *hint, hint*. lol. I'm just playing....

I'm so happy that you like it, really, I'm jumping up and down. I love to hear things like this, it makes me feel good.

Yeah, I kind of go about things backwards, I tell you what they're talking about when they're done talking. hehe. It's more fun to write about things that way.

THANKS!!!

Oasis Writer · 03-10-2006, 12:27 AM

Aw, I come late once again. I seem to do that more often than not. But, once and awhile, I do come heeding as much help as I can. Luckily, I found something so I'm not just saying 'great story'

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