Billy Thirteen - Chapter One (Incomplete) - Writers Forum

Zeppelin Crazed · 03-03-2006, 06:41 PM

NOTE: My Microsoft Word's free trial, on this computer, has run out and until I replace it my writing will be rather week. Consider this a rough draft, please. I'm writing it in the actual window.

Billy Thirteen

Chapter One

Who is the single most unlucky man in the world? That would have to be Billy Thirteen.

Bill just lost his job, a lowpaying, minimum wage job, for reasons that were held from him. He wanted to know, but he was used to this sort of thing, so he didn't exactly push for that knowledge.

He was used to rejection, from his girlfriends, his three children, all of which were had with a previous girlfriend of his, who now refuses to so much as mutter that they every went out, and even his own father, his last living relative, was still long dissapointed in Bill's exciting sex life - perhaps the only hint of luck left in the man - and hated him for it. All of Bill's other family members had died someway or another, but before that they had hated him. He was a very hated man.

Something about this day seemed odd, he thought as he left his house, leaving the key in the doors knowing that if anyone thought about stealing it, they would be able to, keys or no. The air on that particular Monday morning was especially cold, the apparition of winter becoming ever more real around him. All the leaves had left the trees, and the few moments of pretty left in Autumn were gone now, and he was left with little or nothing to look at on his walks in the morning, unless of course he felt like marvelling at the sight of long dead trees.

Even the sun was coming out later, so soon enough he would be walking in the dark, or not at all.

He hated the cold, so he wore a trench coat, and black gloves on his hand. He was a very handsome, well trimmed man, who kept his face freshly shaved, and not for any particular reason but to complete his morning routine. Routine's helped him keep life in order when order seemed to not exist. His hair was black, and his eyes the same. Despite the fact that he hated his white skin growing so pale on these cold mornings, he never wore any form of headgear, not even a hood.

When he reached the corner at the end of the street, he stopped and hit the button on the lamp post for the crosswalk sign. While he awaited it to turn green, and the seemingly endless traffic to subside, he excavated his pockets for a cigarrette, found one, and lit it up. With a blow of hot air, eagerly combatting the coldness around, he smiled and made way accross the walk. The annoying chirp seemed more like relief. It was a cold morning. His walk would be short.

Then something happened when he got halfway around the bend, about a half mile from his starting point. He heard a gunshot.

It appeared to, however, not have arroused anyone's curiosity. He must have been the only one to hear it, however loud it was.

Surely it had come from the store just on his left, where the sound of a richocheting bullet seemed to echoe even a few moments after the blast subsided. Lights were out. That must have been a sign.

Do I go in? He wondered.

He finally decided yes.

Inside it was cool, like somebody had forgotten to click on the heat. But that wasn't right. He was a family friend, or used to be, of the store's owner. His father had gone to school with the man, and he never seemed the forgetful type. Something had definately gone wrong.

Quietly, for fear that the man with the gun had not yet left, he crept along the counter, his hand just barely touching the cool metal trim around the countertop. There was no sound.

Suddenly, his hand came into contact with something far more cold, and with a more distinct feel to it. There was a thud on the floor. He had pushed something off the table.

Sure that nobody was around after the thud made no noise, he found a lightswitch and flicked it on. Slowly he made way around the counter again.

On the ground lied the storekeeper. Dead.

-What do you think? Should I continue? I'll have my MS Word back up tomorrow if it's yes.

Titania · 03-03-2006, 07:25 PM

Ok you said this is a rough draft, there's definitely a few grammar things that need to be worked out. This is all intended to help, hope you don't mind.

The first three paragraphs all felt odd to me, partially because there was a bit of trouble on past vs. present tense. I'm not sure it works to say who "is" if you're in past tense.

lowpaying should be low-paying

Quote:

He was used to rejection, from his girlfriends, his three children, all of which were had with a previous girlfriend of his, who now refuses to so much as mutter that they every went out, and even his own father, his last living relative, was still long dissapointed in Bill's exciting sex life - perhaps the only hint of luck left in the man - and hated him for it.

He was used to rejection: from his girlfriends; from his three children, all by a previous girlfriend who now refused to so much as mutter that the two of them ever dated; and even from his own father, his last living relative, who was still disappointed in Bill's exciting sex life–perhaps the only hint of luck left in the man–and hated him for it.

someway should be some way

Quote:

leaving the key in the doors knowing that if anyone thought about stealing it, they would be able to, keys or no

stealing what?

Quote:

the few moments of pretty left in Autumn were gone now

this sounded odd and autumn doesn't need to be capitalized

marvelling should be marveling, one l

Quote:

and black gloves on his hand

hands

well trimmed should be well-trimmed

Quote:

Routine's helped him keep life in order when order seemed to not exist.

routines

lamppost, cigarette, combating, across, half-mile, aroused, ricocheting, echo
(all were spelled wrong)

Quote:

It appeared to, however, not have arroused anyone's curiosity. He must have been the only one to hear it, however loud it was.

However, it appeared not to have aroused anyone's curiosity. He mus thave been the only one to hear it, no matter how loud it had been.

Quote:

Lights were out. That must have been a sign.

this sounds weird and I'm not sure exactly what it's trying to say

definitely and light switch

Quote:

Sure that nobody was around after the thud made no noise

what? a thud by definition makes noise.. right?

Quote:

On the ground lied the storekeeper.

lay

Hm. Interesting storyline so far, although not much has happened yet and I'm curious to see where you're going with this. I don't think I've quite figured out what genre this is going to end up being. Nice read though, not too many grammar problems but some pesky spelling (blame the absence of the little red lines ms word provides).

Zeppelin Crazed · 03-03-2006, 07:30 PM

lol, that's exactly what I blame. Without those lines, it's tough to keep everything looking nice.

He was used to rejection, from his girlfriends, his three children, all of which were had with a previous girlfriend of his, who now refuses to so much as mutter that they every went out, and even his own father, his last living relative, was still long dissapointed in Bill's exciting sex life - perhaps the only hint of luck left in the man - and hated him for it.

If I could go back and change that, I would just do it like this:

He was used to rejection, from his girlfriends, his three children, all of which were had with a previous girlfriend of his, who then refused to so much as mutter that they ever went out. Even his own father, his last living relative, was still long dissapointed in Bill's exciting sex life - perhaps the only hint of luck left in the man - and hated him for it.

"stealing what?" - Titania

Oops! I meant to write 'in case anyone thought about breaking in'...

As soon as I have word up and running, I'll finish this up and get it posted. The direction I have planned looks like thriller, but that could change depending on my mood tomorrow.

Zeppelin Crazed · 03-03-2006, 07:31 PM

Oops, forgot something else:

Thank you for reading!

Titania · 03-03-2006, 07:36 PM

lol. Anytime. And the rewrite of that one sentence looks much better, my version was just a suggestion/guideline of one possibility. Glad to be of help.

Smaointe · 03-03-2006, 07:51 PM

Not bad so far. I would like to know what happens next.

Zeppelin Crazed · 03-03-2006, 07:59 PM

Thank you. I'm thinking I have a great idea for the next part...oh God I wish I had MS Word working!!!