Smaointe

Ok, so i'm a little nervous about doing this. I've never had anybody to read my work, and I don't know if I'm really bad or something, I guess i'll just post a little and see what you think.
I will take any advice you give me including grammer, i'm really bad at that.


“These cities and villages are small my lord. They will be of no trouble.”
“Maybe not,” the king pondered with his servant. “But it will not hurt to make sure they are out of the way. Just keep the cargo routs open, without supplies we are lost.”
“Yes master,” the man bowed and backed out of the room to give the command. The king stood beside a window and fingered an emblem at his throat.
“Soon love,” he turned to a woman who had moaned in the corner. Her arms were tied above her in long chains attached to the walls. She had taken such a beating it was amazing she was alive. “You'll see the destruction of everything you've fought so hard to keep.” Laughing lightly he walked over to her and lifter her face. “Soon,” he repeated laughing.

He saw what he had been searching for, he slowed aimed his bow at one of the three doe in front of him. He stepped forward and swore as he fell through the snow, the arrow slipped loose and landed harmlessly in a tree. He swore again as he stood up and yanked it out.
“That is not polite Arthur Gardren,” he looked up and saw seventeen-year-old Eleanor Wess swinging on a branch above him. He grinned despite his annoyance as se flipped out of the tree.
“What are you doing out here?” he questioned slinging his bow over his shoulder.
“I was following those deer, till you scared them away.”
“Those deer are my supper,” he stated pushing a limb out of their way as they made their way down the path. “Will you come have supper with us tonight?”
“I don't think so, I need to get back, my fire is still going.”
“All right,” Arthur said sounding a little disappointed. “Well I'll see you later then.”
“Goodbye,” she said disappearing into the woods. Even though the sun was not yet down the woods were covered in darkness. She relied on touch to make her way along the narrow trail. She looked ahead and saw the familiar fire glowing outside her house, when suddenly someone grabbed her and placed a hand over her mouth.

Oasis Writer

Hey Smaointe, I saw this and wanted to see what it was about. So far, you got a solid foundation to start something, but as you said, a few too many grammar errors. But, your storeline isn't bad and it looks like you could have something. Things I saw are below. Most are commas. That's all I saw. Otherwise, good start. Hope to see mroe. Don't be nervous, and don't take this the wrong way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe Just keep the cargo routes open. (Start a new sentence) Without supplies we are lost.”

Routes is spelled like that. Add the E.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe “Yes, (Comma here) master," the man bowed and backed out of the room to give the command.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe She had taken such a beating, (Comma) it was amazing she was alive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe Laughing lightly, (comma) he walked over to her and lifter her face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smaointe He saw what he had been searching for. (Period) He slowed aimed his bow at one of the three doe in front of him.

Get ride of slowed, or reword it.

Otherwise, I hope to see more. Later

__________________

Smaointe

Thank you, I'll never take grammer help the wrong way. Thank you for your advice. it is already helping me. I can't believe I used slowed instead of slowly. Oops, I'll have to be more careful.

Titania

Sounds like a short, interesting beginning, hope to see more.

this phrase sounded weird to me. I think you should take the "with his servant" part out, otherwise it's a bit hard to understand, because it sounds like he's doing something with his servant–like toyed with his servant, or something along those lines. Hope I'm making some sense.

A comma oasis missed:
should be "soon, love"

I think you meant lifted?

This should be two seperate sentences or else the comma should be a semicolon.

General rule of thumb in dialogue is to set off a person's name with commas:
That is not polite, Arthur Gardren

she

comma between "questioned" and "slinging"

same here:
between "stated" and "pushing"
and here:
between "said" and "sounding"
and here:
between "said" and "disappearing"

sorry, I guess I'm a comma nazi or something... I just think it clarifies things better and makes them a lot easier to read that way. Nice ominous ending. My only other comment would be that it's a bit easier to read if you double space between paragraphs, but that's just formatting anyway. Hope I helped .

__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Smaointe

Like I said, never hesitate to help me with grammer. I'll have to check with my spelling before I post anything else. But I do appreciate your help.

Dephere

Hey, thanks for taking a look at my story, I'm here to return the favor....

Should be "lifted"...

One thing you always have to look out for when writing fantasy is cliches...they rear their ugly head often and to use them can often marr a piece. This line is very cliche...The "soon" with meniacle laughter has been done many times.

Should be "does" becuase you've established that there is more than one...

Should be "she"...

Hey, this definitly isn't bad at all. Your writing isn't anything amazing, but it's good enough to carry a story. I'm sure you will get better as you go. As to the story, I will have to read a little more before I give my verdict on that.

I hope this was helpful!

__________________