beautifulempress

Hey everyone,

I am just posting the following story up out of curiousity about what you all would think of it. I've shown this story to people who aren't writers, so I am curious what people in this forum - the "experts" - would say about this.

I've written this story from a unique point of view. Please tell me what you think...




There he is, once again.

He comes out of the house dressed in a white, black pinstriped shirt, which he doesn't bother to tuck into his jeans. You notice how well his denim blue jeans fits around his lower body as he strides across the front lawn of his house, almost wrapped around his perfect-sized hips to his muscled legs. His raven-black leather jacket compliments his dark hair, a few strands falling onto his forehead, which he occasionally brushes away as he is talking on his mobile. His strides are quick, which tells you he is eager to head towards his destination.

He climbs into his silver Mercedes Benz, still talking on his mobile. There is the occasional nod, a laugh. The conversation appears intimate.

He finally snaps shut his mobile, revs up the engine and you watch the back of the Mercedes as it drives off.


A few hours later, he returns. This time, he is not alone. He opens the car door on the passenger side and a beautiful blonde woman exits the car. She is wearing tight jeans with a white sleeveless top covered by an aqua blue cardigan that is tied at the stomach. White Monolo Blanc heels, gold Louis Vuitton bag. The pair make a striking couple.

Anger boils inside you as you watch him put his hand on her lower back, gently ushering her into his house. You want to kill her, and it takes all of your willpower to contain your rage.

They are both laughing. You catch a glimpse of her matching aqua-blue beaded earrings as she throws back her head, laughing at what he is saying. They cuddle up to each other as they start to enter his house.

All of a sudden, he stops and turns around, a look of worry on his face. She seems to ask him what is wrong. He turns back to her, pauses before responding. She shakes her head and smiles. They talk for a few moments before he puts his key in the lock and opens the door. She enters first, but as he begins to enter, he turns around one more time with a worried look on his face.

You choose at that moment to slip away.

Aardvark

If you are watching the back of a car driving away then you are telling the reader you are observing from a distance...perhaps the house across the street ???...clearly the point of observation is unseen to the couple correct? How then can you see a glimpse of matching earrings? How can a telephone conversation you can't hear appear intimate from so far away? How good are you at spotting designer shoes at forty paces?? *grin*

Is this some sort of stylised stalker chick approach? Binoculars might be a handy device to have around when spying on that guy across the street!!

Some effort is needed in sorting out your narrative. I look forward to your next installment.

Best of luck with your writing.


Cheers,
Aardvark

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Blackhawk_t

Okay....this has peaked my interest. My first impression is that she is dead. Maybe a spirit that is angry or jealous of him being with another woman?

I'm interested to see where this is going. Some good descriptions. Maybe you could choose some different words for things. I wouldn't change anything now though. And besides, it's your style, and I like the story line.

Good job.

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Oasis Writer

Interesting. This seems to me like it's going to turn into a detective-murder story. The guy did something, didn't want the girl to find out, because this other girl saw it. Stalker type thing. Very interesting. Good work. Hope to see more.

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aprilrain

You refer to this as a story, so contrary to what a couple of those above have wondered about, I assume this is all there is. And that's not a bad thing--it is more just a description of a moment in time rather than a full story, but I like it. The viewpoint is unique but works in this case, mostly due to its brevity. Pages and pages of "you did this, you did that" would become tedious. I did not question the fact that she/I am a stalker. I assumed that, as opposed to her being a spurned and jealous ex-lover, because she admires the guy and describes him more lovingly--and describes the girl with bitterness.

She doesn't hear the conversation, but she can easily see small clothing details and facial expressions. The implication is that she is looking through binoculars, but whether you want to make the setting of the stake-out (as well as the tools being used) more apparent is up to you.

This is no "expert opinion," but just slightly more detail about who this man is to her, what she wants from him, etc. would be nice, especially since the viewpoint is from you (i.e. me) so I should know this. Again, that's up to you, depending on how mysterious you want to be. It would just make the reader more sympathetic with the character's anger.

Titania

I liked this, I think mostly because it was written from an unusual viewpoint. It was a breath of fresh air, in a way.

A few things, grammar-wise, hope you don't mind:

This should be fit since jeans are plural

This part struck me as being worded odd. I don't really see why there's an "almost", and I think the "to" should be an "and". But that's just opinion, so feel free to disregard.

You could replace one of the "his mobile" phrases with "his phone" or something, just for a little variety.

As I said, I enjoyed this. It has a brevity and simplicity about it that adds to the feeling of being an observer. I wouldn't add any more explanation, simply because I think it takes away a bit of the mystery, and the complete lack of background is one of the things I liked about this piece. You're going to get a lot of different interpretations of who the observer is, etc. but personally I think it's more interesting that way.

But then, as aprilrain said, there is no "expert opinion".

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beautifulempress

Thank you for all your comments. I've always wanted to write this type of story and was wondering if I could write a full short story with just this viewpoint. I'm wondering if it would work. I'll be happy to hear your comments.

It has been mentioned to me before that I should add more detail to it, but the details gradually come up as the story progresses. It was my intention to make this piece different

beautifulempress

Can anyone tell me how to add a link to a signature?

aliceedelweiss

(PS: you add a link to a signature by hitting the button that looks like a globe with a paperclip, and then you put it on the URL or adress, to change the name of it highllight the text then type in the name)

I think it was good, certainly different...I'm sure you could expand maybe on the thoughts "you" is having? It's just really strange...but not bad! I'm not sue what to say really...heh sorry! I hope to read more from you though, it wasn't bad at all, just different...hah
Alice

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beautifulempress

Thanks Alice, for your comments and your help. I've kinda got it now. I look forward to reading more of your work...

beautifulempress

In answer to Aardvark, she's not that far away from them. I purposely didn't put too much detail in this piece; I figured the readers would have been able to figure out on their own where she was

beautifulempress

I would appreciate it if anyone could tell me this story is workable for a short story

darthwader

Well, assuming you have more to write, this would definitely make a good short story. What you have written leaves people wanting to know what happens next.

You could certainly leave it how it is, but as has already been stated, that's not quite a short story. You have a fresh style, which lends itself to this work, so I for one say go for it. Write your short story.

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beautifulempress

Thanks Darthwader, I really appreciate it. Also, thanks for showing me the monkey

darthwader

No problem. He'd been on my back about that for ages.

Get it? Monkey on my... eh, I know, that was lame... sorry.

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