pug of crydee17

Anything said will be taken on board. Thanks

Jomla woke up in darkness. He unwillingly reminded himself that he was still under the unforgiving Pavolin mountains. Gods above he thought to himself, that must be six days! He brought himself to his feet and walked over to a small puddle of clear water. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he looked at his face. His dark, black beard was beginning to get out of control. He was even beginning to get unwelcome grey streaks. He cupped some water into his hands and threw it over his face to wake himself up. He turned around and strode over to wake up his companion.


"For the love of all thats dear Jomla, do you even know where we are?"
"Yes" Jomla lied "We are nearing the end of this little detour. Twelve hours, give it twelve hours"
"Jomla?"
"Yes Alkire?"
"You havent a clue where we are have you?"
"Well I wouldnt say that exactly... we are... in the... yes your right Alkire, as per bloody usual" said Jomla, giving in to his comrades searching tone.
"Lord above!" said the newly worried Alkire "You mindless old fart... wandering into the mountains.... I should have stayed behind. I would have had a better time!"
"Well I for one dont want to lose the fruits of my labour to a bunch of crazy old beggars! This was the only way forward!"
Jomla reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of diamonds. He threw his hand out to Alkire.
"This" he said, pointing to the diamonds "or that?" he spat, pointing in the general direction of their persuers. Alkire looked at his friend and sighed.
"Bloody hell, point made, just get your hairy hide out of this mountain"
Jomla smiled at his friend, patted him on the back and began walking forward.


Much to the mens relief, the path was steadily moving upward.
"Thank God! We're nearly home free!" said Jomla happily, newly revived by the apparent end of their ordeal. Alkire looked equally happy, practically skipping up the path.
"Look! Oh! Light! HAHA!" Alkire cried in happiness. They picked up their pace, walking past a massive waterfall. As they reached the light, Alkire ran outside. Suddenly, a high pitched scream assaulted Jomlas ears.
"Is there a woman outside Alkire?" he shouted. Alkire never answered. Jomla walked up towards the light hesitantly. He jumped as Alkire sprinted past him, a high pitched scream, erupting from his mouth.
"Good God Alkire, why are you screaming like a woman?"
He didnt answer, instead he jumped, screaming, into the pit which the waterfall overlooked.
"Get those bastards!" someone said a deep, angry voice
Jomla turned around and found no more than one hundred men sprinting toward him. A high pitched scream escaped his open mouth as he turned around and followed his friend into the unknown depths of the pit.

Blackhawk_t

Well, for starters. This is a good story. Well written, and it painted a good picture of where they were and what they were doing.

This is one of your first posts, so I won't go into too much.

Mainly, you just need to go back through and proofread. You have some misspelled words, and some areas where punctuation should be, but isn't. Like at the end of statements, or sentences.

You might want to elaborate on who's talking. I'm assuming it's the men chasing them.

When you say that his beard is out of control, I would elaborate a little more on that too.

Seriously, this is a good read. Keep it up.

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Rogue Writer

Hmm, not bad. I like the dialogue, it gives the characters some depth. More descriptive words. A handful of diamonds would look pretty damn good to me right about now, rather than just a bunch of rocks with a pretty name. Maybe "dazzling white" diamonds or something like that so try to elaborate. The piece itself is too short and I don't remember big burly men being able to scream like girls. It's a decent piece of writing but like some of your other work, it's just a random scrap that could be part of a much larger story.

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Yeah, one of those days isn't it?

Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours?
Heading for Violence

pug of crydee17

Thanks a lot guys. I appreciate your opinions. Ill take this advice on board.

Titania

Ok, don't know how much detail you want here but thought I'd point out a couple things, and I agree with what's been said so far, some elaboration / description could improve things.

You say "unwillingly reminded himself," and I don't really think that's possible. He might not have wanted to be reminded, but he can't remind himself without willing it... how about despairingly or reluctantly?

One trick–in dialogue a character's name should be offset by commas. So:
"For the love of all that's dear, Jomla,"
Instead of
"For the love of all thats dear Jomla"

No offense meant here at all, but is your keyboard missing an apostrophe key? Or have they run away? They're absent all over the place: don't, wouldn't, men's, etc.

high-pitched and Jomla's, and you use the phrase high-pitched scream three times... it'd be nicer if you could vary the words at least a bit.

A nice beginning though, one that could certainly become a good piece of a story with some elaboration. Hope this helps a bit... if you need any help with the grammar / apostrophes just let me know.

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Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

pug of crydee17

No offence taken. Ill take that criticism and use it to improve. Thank you.