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Old 02-22-2006, 02:15 AM   #1
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The Climb Part 2

Author's Note:
Another part of the story. Not much action or humor going on, but it's setting it up for the next part. Please critique, and if you find a word that might fit better, please feel free to let me know. Thank You




Part 2







Slim continued to devour his food, but knew he would have no such luck. Pondering a response to the man's challenge, he looked up at the other patrons in the establishment. All eyes were focused on him, staring with eager anticipation of his response. Slim knew he had to answer, and soon. He wished desperately to crawl under the table and hide, which would be difficult based on his size. There was also the little problem that everyone was watching him.

“Okay.” Slim answered, shrugging his shoulders in a careless manner. “I’ll do it.”

Slim wasn’t doing it for the money. He never did anything for money. It was a matter of pride, and his inability to back down from a challenge.

He finished his glass of goat’s milk, cup of coffee, and plate of steaming pancakes as he rose to his feet. It was then that he remembered and tasted the extinguished cigarette in his coffee. He leaned on the table to catch his breath, ignorant to the hustle and bustle of the customers paying their tabs.

Once his nausea had tapered the table gave way. Slim, as well as the contents of the table, went crashing to the floor. While he gathered his senses, he looked up for assistance to his feet. The diner was empty except for the tall man in leather, who stood at the door, waiting impatiently for Slim to follow.

Slim groaned as he sat up, hearing the tendons in his arms and legs grind as they strained to lift him to his feet. Other than a compound fracture of his left forearm, he didn't have any noticeable broken bones. Reverting back to his first aid training, Slim had suffered worse injuries before, and handled the broken bone the best he knew how. He stopped, dropped, and rolled. Which was rather ignorant, because now he had to try and stand up again. Once he was to his feet for the second time, he limped to the door. The man in leather slapped him on the back as he walked passed and shoved him to the floor.

“We aint got times for games, boy!” The man shouted as he stepped into the middle of Slim's back as he climbed over. “By the way…my names Sarah.”

Slim giggled out loud, trying to not look at the man. “Did you say your name is Sarah?” He asked, trying to hide the smirk on his face.

“Yes…yes I did. Is there a problem with that?”

“No sir. There isn’t.” Slim sharply answered. He realized that he was in no situation to be challenging someone’s hostile questioning. Especially someone whose name was Sarah.

“Then let’s get going.” Sarah said sharply. “We got a lot of ground to cover, and not much time to do it.”

Sarah helped Slim to his feet and followed him out the sliding doors into the crowded parking lot. Slim felt as if he was lining up for a parade. Every car in the parking lot was filled. A tall, heavyset woman was choreographing the procession, with a toy poodle cradled under her left arm. There was even a bus, which was being piloted by a Nun. She had the sleeves cut off of her outfit, with a cigarette hanging from her mouth and a tattoo on her bicep that read, ‘Death To All’.

Slim felt his heart start to race and his vision was blurring as he struggled to take it all in. He fumbled around the parking lot for a place to sit, when he heard Sarah’s voice from behind him. “Hop on here Slim.”

Slim turned around to see Sarah sitting on a Honda Trail 90 motorcycle. Slim thought it resembled more of a moped than a motorcycle. He walked around the motorcycle, trying to find a place to climb on. Sarah had a large frame, and the small motorcycle seat left little room for a passenger.

“Hop on what?” Slim started. “How am I supposed to sit on that?”

“Why just hop on behind me.” Sarah answered, a sense of urgency in his voice. As Sarah answered, he reached behind the seat and pulled out an extension.

That’s just great’ thought Slim, ‘I get to ride on a girl’s motorcycle with a banana seat. I’m going to make a great impression on everyone.’
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Last edited by Blackhawk_t : 02-24-2006 at 01:46 AM.
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Old 02-22-2006, 07:32 AM   #2
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Hello!
I like this a lot. It's funny in a slapstick way that amuses me.

There are some errors that need looking at - especially use of comas. I won't list them all, as they tend to recur, but they're easily fixed.

Some examples:
Quote:
Slim continued to engulf his food
That sounds like he surrounded it, rather than ate it.

Quote:
Slim continued to engulf his food, secretly hoping the man would go away, but knew he would have no such luck.
This sentence needs to be restructured, and you do this a couple of times, I think. The middle section of a sentence set out this way, should provide additional detail.
You can check that it's structured correctly by removing the middle part. If the remaining sentence still works, then it's ok.
For example, with the middle bit taken away, it would read
Quote:
Slim continued to engulf his food, but knew he would have no such luck.
so there's a problem.

Quote:
He wished desperately to crawl under the table and hide. Which would be difficult based on his size...
I'm not convinced which is really starting a new sentence here.

Quote:
he remembered and tasted the extinguished cigarette in his coffee
this is where the humour kicks in. It's funny and unexpected (to me) at this point. You really caught me out here!

Quote:
Just as his nausea tapered, the table gave way, sending the contents, as well as Slim, crashing to the floor.
Too many comas.

Quote:
hearing the tendons in his arms grind as they strained lifting him vertical.
He couldn't push his himself all the way vertically up from the floor with his arms. They'd have to still reach the floor once he was stood upright. Could you describe that differantly?

Overall I really enjoyed it, and I'm not suggesting you interupt your flow by constantly checking everything's right, but you'd benefit from a more thorough proof-reading. The first couple of lines nearly put me off reading the rest of it. That would have been a shame because I really liked the absurdity of the situation and they way you discribed the events.
A good story. I'd like to read more of it.

Last edited by ross : 02-22-2006 at 08:28 AM.
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:01 AM   #3
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Thank you for the critique and advice. I tried to fix what I could, and also added a little bit here and there. Hopefully it works better.

Thank you for the feedback. Please, let me know what you think.

It's amazing how you can see in your mind what you want to say, but when you put it down in words, it doesn't always come out the way you had envisioned.
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Old 02-22-2006, 12:30 PM   #4
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Hey dude, pretty good start to something good. I look forward to seeing what this turns in to. I liked the nun part to. Very funny. Otherwise, you got a great story evolving here. Here are some things I caught that maybe you didn't see. No offence to any.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t
It was then that he remembered and tasted the extinguished cigarette in his coffee.
I don't think you need remembered. If he just tasted it, then why would he remember it? Maybe I'm wrong. Works fine with it in, just pointing it out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t
The man shouted as he stepped into the middle of Slims back as he climbed over.
Slims needs to be Slim's.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t
Especially someone who’s name was Sarah.
I think who's needs to be whose. I think.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t
‘That’s just great’ thought slim. ‘I get to ride on a girl’s motorcycle with a banana seat.
Okay, two things here. First, slim needs to be Slim, and after Slim, you can put a comma instead of a period. So it looks like ...' thought Slim, '...

Otherwise, a nice start. Hope to see more.
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:24 PM   #5
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Thanks for the feedback Oasis, I changed everything you mentioned. Thank you for pointing out the capitalization errors.

In regards to remembered: With all the stuff going on around him, and being in a hurry to get out of there, you could easily forget that someone had put a cirarette in your coffee. That is why he remembered, because he had forgotten... and stuff.
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Old 02-22-2006, 03:43 PM   #6
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Oh, okay...I guess. I think I understand then. Otherwise, this is pretty good, I'd put The Climb, 1 & 2 in another culomb (dang it) in your sig.
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Old 02-23-2006, 04:41 PM   #7
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Hey, sorry it took me so long to get to this...

Let me point out a few things...

Quote:
Pondering a response to the mans challenge
Should be "man's"...

Quote:
He stoppd...
Should be "stopped"...

Quote:
Once to his feet...
This sounded strange to me, how about "once he was to his feet", it seems to work better.

Quote:
There was even a bus, which was being piloted by a Nun. She had the sleeves cut off of her outfit, with a cigarette hanging from her mouth and a tattoo on her bicep that read, ‘Death To All’.
lol. That's freakin' hilarious! I loved this little section it made me laugh out loud, something I don't normally do when reading.

This section was funny, some nice little spots of humor that tide me over. I still like the image of that nun. lol.

Your humor is mixed in perfectly with the story, it doesn't seem out of place. Many authors don't know how to do this so kudos.
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Old 02-24-2006, 01:49 AM   #8
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Thanks for taking the time to read it.

I made the changes you recommended, and I was kind of wondering about the nun thing. Didn't want to offend anyone. I'm glad you found it humorous.

I tend to laugh at my own stuff when I write it, but that doesn't mean anyone else will. So, it's kind of a gamble sometimes.

Thank You again.
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