Breaking the Silence - Writers Forum

writerprincess15 · 02-20-2006, 10:38 PM

Another one of my side stories. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks! Love moi!

It was the newest room in the building. It was also the fakest with the ugliest bright orange colored walls known to man, at least in her opinion. And it was in this very room seventeen year old Sandra Wilson had to be caged for two and a half hours every week. She hated every second of it.
Today was no different. It was her thirteenth session and she had yet to speak a word. Despite how much they tried, none of the shrinks could suceed in their attemps to get her to speak. They had even resulted to meaningless threats and bribes, but still she just sat there, staring at that one spot across the room and silently counting every second of their time until her freedom.
She always listened too. They thought she didn't. They thought she just tuned them out so then they went ahead and said whatever they wanted. But she always listened. She just never gave any response.
Today she'd been planted with a new shrink. The others, she guessed, had finally given up on her. She'd known they would. She'd been through nine entire shrinks and by now she was sure she pretty much had them all figured out.
Now she had Mr. Lawrence, an older man most likely in his late fourties. He was tall with salt and pepper hair and his face contained this tight serious expression that she figured he had all the time. Somehow he looked familiar. But she couldn't place her finger on how.
He was trying a new approach. The reverse phsycology trick. He'd been in the room for thirty three minutes and two seconds to be exact and not once had he said a word. Instead he just sat there in his chair watching her. He thought he was so clever. He thought he could get her to crack. But she wouldn't. Not ever. She would never say another word ever again.
Uncomfortable with him watching her she shifted in her chair.
If this was his entire technique it was pretty sad and pointless. Did he plan on going through session after session like this? Well if that was his plan it wouldn't work. He would speak before her. She knew he would. If he was really a true shrink she knew he would speak first. He would have to break the silence.
She wondered what her brothers would think of this guy. They'd both been advised to take this 'therapy' as well until the 'shrinks' said they were 'ok'. Whatever that all meant. She had Fridays, Christopher had Saturedays, and Trevor had Sundays. Sixteen year old Chris and five year old Trever were just like their older sister. They hadn't said a word since it had happened. And the three of them intended to keep it that way. They never said a word. Well...at least not to anyone other then themselves. To each other they spoke at night. But only to each other. They never talked to anyone else. Because they could never trust anyone else. All that talking to other people had done for them before was gotten them into this mess.
Now Sandra shifted in her seat again.

Mondego · 02-20-2006, 11:30 PM

the pace seemed steady throughout. i enjoyed reading it.

i thought the word "shrink" was used too liberally though. try replacing one or more of them with "psychiatrist"

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They never said a word. Well...at least not to anyone other then themselves. To each other they spoke at night. But only to each other. They never talked to anyone else. Because they could never trust anyone else.

i think this area of the paragraph repeated some phrases too much. try this:

They never said a word. Well...at least not to other people. they spoke to each other, but only at night. They did not trust anyone else.

Blackhawk_t · 02-21-2006, 02:42 AM

Another one of your fine reads. I would first off recommend you put spaces in between the paragraphs. Makes it a little easier to read... at least for me.

I also agree with mondego about the shrink statement. Maybe you could identify them at the beginning. You could say that they were Psychiatrist's, or mental health counselors, or counselors.....but she referred to them as shrinks. That way it shows that she understands their profession, but does not respect what they do. If that makes sense.

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suceed

succeed

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They thought she just tuned them out. So then they went ahead and said whatever they wanted.

I would recommend putting a period in there. Or maybe write it as. They though she tuned them out, so they held conversations freely amongst themselves.

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She'd been through nine entire shrinks

Maybe be put that She'd been through a total of nine.

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Now she had Mr. Lawrence, an older man most likely in his late fourties.

Instead of a comma, I would put a period. And it is forties.

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Somehow he looked familiar. But she couldn't place her finger on how.

I would omit this, and put a comma where the period is. Or change it to: She had seen him before, but couldn't place her finger on where.

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The reverse phsycology trick. He'd been in the room for thirty three minutes

Psychology, and put a - in between thirty-three.

Granted, I know these are little things, but just wanted to help you out. It's a good story, and I'd like to see where this goes.

How ever, it does have a hint of the movie where Kirk Douglas is trying to get the information from the girl who is faking mental health problems. I don't remember the name right now, but you have added a different twist to a same type of issue. Nicely done.

Oasis Writer · 02-21-2006, 12:18 PM

Hey Terra, another good side-story you have here. I like it. A nice easy flow, and it keeps you in a hook, wondering what happened, and what they won't talk about. Nice story. I didn't catch anything that Blackhawk didn't, so he's got your number before I. Good work though. Nice to see some more writtings of yours.

writerprincess15 · 02-21-2006, 06:25 PM

Thanks to all of you for your comments! I really appreciate! I really do honestly LOVE all critisism (god i am the worlds worst speller, lol). yes thats right, even the bad. Because it just makes me better! Thanks so much! i really really really appreciate all of your advice!

Ok since you all didn't bite my head off and cut this story off on the knees i am going to post some more to it right now. I have been adding on to this story as i get the time. And i know this is very short, but at least its something. Once again all advice is welcome, and thanks so much for being honest!

Love moi!

oh and i know i have terrible spelling. i am so sorry about that. But my computer does not have Microsoft Word it has a Note pad thingee and that does not have spell check. So i am so sorry for all the terrible spelling. I really am trieing to get better at it! lol

also Blackhawk, lol....alot of people say that very same thing actually, about it seeming like that movie or movies like that. I can see why you all would think that. All i can say to that is that this story has way more behind it then you think it does.

She used her poriferal vision to see that Mr. Lawrence was still watching her.

She realized she'd lost count. She could look at the clock but that would mean breaking her concentration and she would not do that. Not unless he'd earned it; gotten her to like him.

"Its 4:02." He said out of nowhere, as if reading her mind.

She was caught off guard at this, but pretended she hadn't heard him.

"You hungry?"

Once again she pretended to ignore him. However her stomache growled. She clenched her fists, angry as though her stomache had betrayed her.

"Me to." He said, pulling something from a bag behind the desk. "Thats why i snuck this Beef Jerky in. If you dont tell i wont."

She felt a smile beginning to creep up on the sides of her face but shook it off.

"I have two bags. One for me and one for you....that is if you would do a small favor for me. Do you think you could look at me? Thats all i ask. Its much easier to communicate with someone when you are looking at them."

Well.....Sandra saw no harm in that, he wasn't asking her to speak and she was very hungry. Also he was different then the other shrinks. He spoke in a way that made her beleive he actually cared. And he asked her. None of the other shrinks asked her anything. They told her.

So she turned in her chair very slowly and faced him. Then she looked him right in his eyes. The were big, blue, and kind.

He smiled at her and then threw her a bag of the beef jerky.

Oasis Writer · 02-21-2006, 07:14 PM

Hey Ter, you should really post the next chapter in another thread. I used to do the same thing, continue the post so that it's organized, but it's harder for people to read a lot like that. So, I would break this up into two threads. Like, Breaking the Silence: Part Two or Ch. 2. Something like that. More people can then take their time to read it.

writerprincess15 · 02-21-2006, 07:43 PM

so i had some more time and here is another addition, more is on the way. and as always all advice is welcome.
love moi!

"So i heard you got stuck with some baboons before." He said, openeing his bag and starting to eat.
Sandra followed suit, forcing herself not to reply or smile; doing her best to keep her cold emotionless expression. Well, he was ok. She actually liked him. But she wasn't going to let him know that. She took a bite of her jerky and looked back at him.
"I'll share a secret with you, i dont care for them much either. Something about them just gets under my skin and on my last nerve."
Sandra almost nodded but caught herself before she did.
"You know what their problem is dont you?" He paused to take another bite and then continued. "They dont care. This is just work to them and they get frustrated easily because they hate being here. Now me, i could really think of no better place to be then right here. I do like coming here. I bet you are wondering why aren't you?"
Sandra leaned back in her chair, getting comfortable. She really did like him. His voice was kind and intriguing. It had this peace and calm to it. And for some reason it relaxed her...had this almost familiarity to it.
"Well it really is very simple. I like helping people. I like talking with people and getting to know them. Out of all of the other Psychiatrist's i have talked to not one of them knew anything about their clients other then they payed them. Now what does that tell you? They dont care! I do care. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. And out of most of the cases all you have to do is listen to someone. Care about them. And then they will open up. The reason my co-workers get so frustrated is because they aren't trying. Not because their clients aren't doing their part, its because they aren't doing their part. Well i can promise you this, i will do my very best to do my part. And if you ever think i am going about this the wrong way you just let me know."
Sandra took another bite.
"I also want to let you know that i wont ever try and make you speak. I never saw the point in making someone do something they just dont want to do. I am not here to make you do anything. I am here to help you. If you will give me a chance. All i ask of you is to be patient with me. You never have to say a word. I mean it. I wont ever make you try and talk about what happened or about anything in that matter. Just be patient with me. Silly request i know, but i really do mean it. Anyways, enuogh of that blabble. how about we do something fun?"
Still listening Sandra took another bite and then folded up her bag with the remaining peices and set it under her chair.
"How do you feel about art?" Mr. Lawrence set his bag on the desk and pulled out a picture from the same bag. He showed her the picture and she couldn't help but let herself smile slightly this time.
It was the picture of a young man. He couldn't of been more then a few years older then her. And he was absolutely gorgeous with smooth blond hair and bright lively green eyes. He had a smile that led Sandra to beleive he was always happy. And he also somehow looked familiar to her.
"Handsome isn't he?" Mr. Lawrence said proudly. "He's my son."
Now that he'd said it and as she looked from the picture to him, Sandra could see the family resemblence.
She was a little confused. Hadn't he earlier said that he had no better place to be then here? Sandra didn't know about him, but her family was the most important thing in the world to her. What kind of a man chose work over his family?
"I know what you're thinking." Mr. Lawrence said; setting the picture down. "But before you judge me I think you'd like to know that Eric and my wife were my world. Still are. They passed on about four months ago." At those words his voice creaked slightly and Sandra felt her heart go out to him.
"Now dont go pitying me. I only braught this up because my son loved art. Sure he loved making art. But mostly he loved other people's art. He embraced everyone's differences. He loved seeing what each person could come up with. And one thing he told me he always wanted was an artbook full of as many peoples artwork as possible. He'd gotten a good start. And when he passed on i guess i just took it up as my responsibility to continue it. I know it may sound dumb...but would you care to contribute? I would really aprecciate it...."
Sandra looked him directly in the eyes again and nodded.
Mr. Lawrence smiled. "Good." He dug through his bag again and pulled out a sketch book and a box full of a varietly of art related tools. "These are for you." He said. "I dont think you're going anywhere, and i dont plan on giving up. I am no quitter. So you can take these with you and do whatever you want. You can do as much or as little as you want. And when you think you are done you can give me you artwork as much or as little of it as there is and i can proudly add it to the collection. Take your time on this. I dont want you to feel pressured. Its your art. Do it however you want and at your own pace." He handed her the sketchpad and the box.
Sandra smiled at him and took them gratefully.
"Well now thats our time." He said standing and walking to the door. "I enjoyed meeting you and i look forward to next week."
Sandra gathered her gifts and followed him out into the hallway. She looked at him with an expression that was as close to her saying 'Thankyou' as it could get. He smiled back at her.
"Thank you too." He said with a wink.
She turned and headed down the hallway to meet her social worker in the lobby.

writerprincess15 · 02-21-2006, 07:46 PM

oh yeah you are right dev, sorry! lol. But all of these small little additions are part of chapter one. now chapter one is over. And i see you are right. my next addition will be chapter two on a new bulliten. thanks for the suggestion. love moi!

Oasis Writer · 02-21-2006, 09:47 PM

Hey, for the second part of what you have here, here's what I found you could edit. Just little things, nothing too big, so don't worry about it.

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