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Old 02-20-2006, 09:36 PM   #1
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Whispers of the Forest

This is just another side story. This like my other stories has more to it then meets the eyes. If i wanted to i could really get into this and make it a very long book. But anways, this is just a very short breif look into it. Let me know what you think. Any and all advice is welcome as usual. Thanks! Love Moi!


It was an amazing 'cabin' as they called it. Well actually, if you asked her she thought it was more like a mansion. It was nearly four cabins high and ten cabins wide. Built all out of wood it had this peace and calm to it and it smelled wonderful. She loved it there immediatly. And while her two younger brothers enjoyed exploring the outdoors she enjoyed staying inside. Infact she'd found a favorite spot. While everyone was out she would climb up the wall like a monkey and there was this one window with just enough room for her to sit next to it. She loved curling up there with a nice warm blanket and hot cocoa and getting lost in stories on her notebook while peeking outdoors everyone once in a while. It was so beautiful outside. Yet she knew she could never go out there. It wouldn't be right. Not if they couldn't be enjoying it. No, she just couldn't if they couldn't.
Today was the thirteenth day that seventeen year old Vivian and her two younger brothers had come to live with their uncle and aunt Monroe who just happened to be filthy rich and were living in the 'cabin' on the mountain for the summer.
It was noon exactly and everyone was out. That was...everyone except Vivian. Her Aunt and Uncle had gone out to ski the slopes. Her brothers had gone out exploring in the woods. And that left her once again to climb up to the window. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep. She was so warm and comfortable that it just happened. She'd meant to rest her eyes and instead fell sleep.
She jerked awake at the sound of something. She looked around and realized that a young man was in the cabin. He looked to be maybe in his early to mid twenties and was very handsome. He was going through some papers on the table.
"Hey!" She called down. "What do you think you are doing?"
He jumped and looked up. Then he sighed, "You must be Vivian right?"
Vivian scrunched up her face in confusion. "How do you know who i am?"
"I work here at the ski slopes every summer. My Dad owns it. And your Uncle and Aunt and my Dad are all very good friends. Well anyways...they needed me to come and get some paperwork for them. They are considering putting some stock into our company."
"Who are you?"
"Oh sorry, the name is Mike...." he grinned kindly up at her.
She bit her lip and then carefuly climbed down to the floor.
"What were you doing up there?" He asked her, amused.
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Old 02-21-2006, 01:19 AM   #2
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Liking what I'm seeing so far. Good story line...but of course you cut off just as it was getting good. Just a few suggestions for you.

Quote:
She loved it there immediatly.
Should be immediately.

Quote:
Infact she'd found a favorite spot.
Just a little spacing issue.

Quote:
No, she just couldn't if they couldn't.
This sentence almost feels like it doesn't need to be there due to repition. I see what you meant by it, but perhaps you could work it in with the previous sentence so you aren't repeating yourself.

Quote:
Today was the thirteenth day that seventeen year old Vivian and her two younger brothers had come to live with their uncle and aunt Monroe, who just happened to be filthy rich and were living in the 'cabin' on the mountain for the summer.
I'm not positive, but I beleive they need to be capatalized. I was never good with the formal and informal capitlization stuff. I say this, because you have them capatalized later in the story. I placed the comma in there because you have a really long sentence. If the comma doesn't work, maybe you could break it up into two sentences.

Quote:
She jerked awake at the sound of something. She looked around and realized that a young man was in the cabin. He looked to be maybe in his early to mid twenties and was very handsome.
Instead of something, maybe you could put a little more description in there. Like a knock, or footsteps, or the rustling of papers. On the mid twenties...put a - in between, so it reads mid-twenties.

Other than that, it was a good read. I liked it, but wanted to help you out on some minor stuff I saw, or thought you could change. I look forward to the next section.
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Old 02-21-2006, 01:35 AM   #3
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interesting, another male-intrusion scenario, lol
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Old 02-21-2006, 11:28 AM   #4
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Hey Ter, another good story that I was late to get to and proofread first. Blackhawk got all the things I saw. Seems he's on the ball. This is a good story so far, but you left us with dialogue. You gave us a hook and ended it, so this is one of those stories that I can't all judge without seeing what happens next. On a good note, I'm very interested to see what happens. Very good work. Hope to see more Ter.
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Old 02-21-2006, 05:34 PM   #5
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once again thanks to all for the advice! i really do appreciate it all!
as with my "Lillian" storyline i think this one is going to be put to the side for awhile. I mean i like it...but right now i dont like it enough to continue on with it. But i do like my other story "Breaking the Silence" i am going to actually be adding more onto that and trying to finish that within the month. I will keep up updated on that story. And then maybe after i finish that book i will get back to this one and add onto it. But for now this one is going aside.

Once again thanks to all who commented!

Love moi!
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Old 02-21-2006, 07:31 PM   #6
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You can't do that. You can't write a story, get your readers hooked, and then say.....ohh well. I won't write no more. That's like buying a new car, filling it full of gas, and then leaving it parked inside the garage because you decide to drive your old one until it finally dies.

I am just giving you a bad time, but I hope you can see where I'm coming from.

Ohhh...well. Guess I'll just have to keep reading your other stuff.
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Old 02-21-2006, 09:24 PM   #7
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lol, well i am glad to know you actually like my writing. i actually like this story too. But i like the other one better and i feel like i am on a roll with that one. but once that ones done i promise iw ill get right back on this one. lol. thanks for the awesome support though!
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