The dragon sourcerer - Writers Forum

alienmagejlm · 02-20-2006, 11:49 AM

This is the first chapter of my first non short story, there will be other chapters but please feel free to coment at any time
p.s. if you like the discworld series by terry pratchett you might like this story

The Dragon Sorcerer

Chapter 1 The Start

It was the most bizarre storm anyone had ever seen, and in the case of the members of the knowledge seekers' guild, that was saying a lot. The strange dancing lights were similar to the northern lights only they were altered so that just by looking at them made you think that you were high on some kind of drug because what you were seeing couldn’t be real.
It was supposed to be midnight in the coldest month of the year but instead it was as light and hot as midday in the summer. Another thing that was odd about the storm was that instead of water coming from what looked like clouds there was fire shooting out in great blasts as though some titanic battle was taking place. Suddenly, for no other reason than sheer boredom, the storm quieted down and eventually disappeared, but in its place was left a shinning falling star that lit up the entire picture.
It was only then that the knowledge seekers realized that the falling star was heading straight for them. Franticly they managed to scatter just in time to avoid becoming freshly cooked human soup as the star hit the earth with the force of several atom bombs, as the knowledge seekers cautiously picked themselves up they stared in a mixture of fear, curiosity, but most of all annoyance at the melted pile of stone that was a few moments ago the main guild building.
“Well that’s just great,” grumbled the 2nd counsel member Dunly “5,000 years worth of history, extenuation and bodge job repairs down the drain.”
“I thought I just saw It get hit by a falling star…?” said the 5th counsel member Wadtackle
“I don’t mean literally going down a drain I just … oh never mind.”
“What did we use the main building for anyway?” questioned 6th counsel member Bogsnap.

“Impressing people,” boasted Dunly
“Like who?” sneered Bogsnap
“Well…um…well you know… just …people.” spluttered Dunly
“Maybe it’s a sign from the gods for us to stop wasting our money on a main building we never use?” mocked Bogsnap.
“And maybe you should just shut up!” snapped Dunly
“But I just don’t see why we have to spend lots of money on a main building we don’t even use,” complained Bogsnap
“If you don’t shut up I’ll… I’ll… I’ll turn you into a politician! Shouted Dunly.
“What’s that?” said Wadtackle
“A sort of small slimy creature that everyone hates,” said Dunly knowledgably.
“I say look... there seems to be some sort of egg over here” called 1st counsel member Alad.

Oasis Writer · 02-20-2006, 12:58 PM

Hey dude, I was looking through your story, and you got a good start so far. The dialogue is so far nice, and keeps you going and the storm was a little. But I say, quiet a bit of things you could work on. I want to show you, everything in red is where you need to work on that I saw. I'm not trying to be mean, just help you out. I would be useless to you if I just put good story. I want to help. Everything below are just opinions. But they should help out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alienmagejlm

(Editted)

It was the most bizarre storm anyone had ever seen and in the case of the member’s of the knowledge seekers guild that was saying a lot. The strange dancing lights were of a similar appearance to that of the northern lights only that they were altered so that just by looking at them made you think that you were high on some kind of drug because what you were seeing couldn’t be real.

(New Paragraph after each paragraph)

It was supposed to be midnight in the coldest month of the year but instead it was as light and hot as midday in the summer. Another thing that was odd about the storm was that instead of water coming from what looked like clouds there was fire shooting out in great blasts as though some titanic battle was taking place. (Don’t start with And, or try not to) And then suddenly,(Comma) for no other reason than shear boredom, (comma) the storm quieted down and eventually disappeared but in its place was left a shinning falling star that lit up the entire picture. (Period)

(Cap It) It was only then that the knowledge seeker’s realized that the falling star was heading straight for them. Franticly they managed to scatter just in time to avoid becoming freshly cooked human soup as the star hit the earth with the force of several atom bombs, as the knowledge seekers cautiously picked themselves up they stared in a mixture of fear, curiosity, but most of all annoyance at the melted pile of stone that was a few moments ago the main guild building.

(Start a new paragraph when someone talks, makes it easier to tell when speech is starting)

“Well that’s just great,” said the 2nd counsel member Dunly “5,000 years worth of history, extenuation and bodge job repairs down the drain.”

“I thought I just saw It get hit by a falling star…” said the 5th counsel member Wadtackle “I don’t mean literally going down a drain I just … oh never mind.”

“What did we use the main building for anyway?” said 6th counsel member Bogsnap. (Period is needed)

“(Cap the I in Impressive)Impressing people” said Dunly

(Cap Like) “Like who” said Bogsnap

(Cap Well)“Well…um…well you know… just …people.” Said Dunly

(Cap Maybe) “Maybe it’s a sign from the gods for us to stop wasting our money on a main building we never use” said Bogsnap

(Cap And) “And maybe you should just shut up!” said Dunly

(Cap But)“But I just don’t see why we have to spend lots of money on a main building we don’t even use” said Bogsnap

(Cap If)“If you don’t shut up I’ll… I’ll… I’ll turn you into a politician!” (Needs apostrophe)(don’t need to cap shouted, can if you like)Shouted Dunly.

“What’s that?” said Wadtackle

(Cap A) “A sort of small slimy creature that everyone hates” said Dunly

“I say look over here… there seems to be some sort of egg over here” said 1st counsel member Alad.

I hope this helps you. I am by no means trying to be mean. But those are what I saw. Also, you ended all the dialogue with said. Try to mix it up because it gets repeatitive, which I do often, so it's good to stray from that. Other then those, you got a nice start to something nice, you should keep going. If you need any more help, please ask me, or PM me, I'll help out. Good work so far. Keep it up.

alienmagejlm · 02-20-2006, 01:39 PM

Thank you for the very much for the very useful comments Oasis writer I have now edited the first chapter in accordance to your advice and think it looks much better now. Please feel free continue adding more comments and I will add the next chapter as soon as humanly possible.

Titania · 02-20-2006, 02:13 PM

lol, yes, it does remind me a bit of Discworld (the whole fantasy / comedy)... nicely done overall. A warning that this is going to be long and is meant only in the nicest way... things I noticed:

Quote:

It was the most bizarre storm anyone had ever seen and in the case of the member’s of the knowledge seekers guild that was saying a lot. The strange dancing lights were of a similar appearance to that of the northern lights only that they were altered so that just by looking at them made you think that you were high on some kind of drug because what you were seeing couldn’t be real.

It was the most bizarre storm anyone had ever seen, and in the case of the members of the knowledge seekers' guild, that was saying a lot.
A couple of commas makes that sentence a lot easier to read.

I'd add some commas in the second one too... of course mostly this is opinion, but thought I'd suggest it anyway, feel free to disregard as you will:
The strange dancing lights were similar to the northern lights, only they were altered so that just looking at them made you think you were high on some kind of drug, because what you were seeing couldn't be real.
I changed the sentence structure a bit there too, it's less wordy & more concise this way.

Quote:

Suddenly, for no other reason than shear boredom, the storm quieted down and eventually disappeared but in its place was left a shinning falling star that lit up the entire picture.

sheer boredom
And I think there should be a comma before the phrase "but in its place"

Quote:

It was only then that the knowledge seeker’s

no apostrophe–it's plural, not possessive

Quote:

“Well that’s just great,” grumbled the 2nd counsel member Dunly “5,000 years worth of history, extenuation and bodge job repairs down the drain.”

“I thought I just saw It get hit by a falling star…” said the 5th counsel member Wadtackle

Just an observation that later on you refer to them as "6th counsel member" whatever and so on without the "the", and I think that's better. The other thing you could do to mix dialogue up a bit sometimes might be to put the person who's speaking in front.

Quote:

“Impressing people” boasted Dunly

“Like who” sneered Bogsnap

This happens in several places–you need some sort of punctuation, like this:
"Impressing people," boasted Dunly.
"Like who?" sneered Bogsnap

Quote:

“I say look over here… there seems to be some sort of egg over here” called 1st counsel member Alad.

Take out one of the "over here"s

One final thing–I think that in most cases you're supposed to write out first, second, third, etc. I may be wrong there, not sure.

Very interesting beginning; and by the way welcome to the forums!

Blackhawk_t · 02-21-2006, 01:58 AM

Quote:

The strange dancing lights were of a similar appearance to that of the northern lights only that they were altered so that just by looking at them made you think that you were high on some kind of drug because what you were seeing couldn’t be real.

Instead of putting that you were high on some kind of drug, perhaps you could be more descriptive as to what is being seen.

In regards to where you have the counsel members speaking, you need to put some action in there. That way you don't have to come up with words to how they are speaking...i.e. mocked, boasted, sneered, spluttered, snapped, complained, shouted.

If none of this makes any sense, or you want some examples of what I mean, feel free to PM me. I will try and help you out the best I can.

On a positive note, this is a creative story line. You have a good idea going.