The voice - 191 words. - Writers Forum

ross · 02-20-2006, 10:32 AM

Under revision, thanks..

Blackhawk_t · 02-21-2006, 01:51 AM

I would like to start by saying that you have a large vocabulary. On that note, this story, although may be quite clear to you, is confusing to me. I'm not sure what is going on in the story, other than at the end when he is taking a leak out the door. Which is kinda cool. I did catch the part about the beer can bouncing around.

Okay....actually, I think I got it. He's a drunk clown who was fed up with society. I beleive that's it. I had to read it several times for it to sink in. This is a deep thought out story.

This actually would be a pretty cool poem.

ross · 02-21-2006, 03:43 AM

Thanks Blackhawk.
Basically it's turning into a very self serving piece. I love it and nobody else gets it, apparently. I'm probably being far too oblique.
The clown is a symbol for the innocent soul of the city. This soul wasn't always a clown, but over time it's been reduced to the status of a vagrant object of ridicule.
Some people can sense the soul of the city but only then subconciously. The soul trys and trys to re-establish itself but the city slips further into the abyss.
It clearly needs more work and/or sedation. Am I losing it?

hirshmon · 02-21-2006, 10:03 AM

It was pretty cool, but at parts, the vocabulary usage was taken to an extreme, I feel. It got bogged down by too many two-dollar words and as a result, it became confusing (as Blackhawk first felt).

ross · 02-21-2006, 01:33 PM

Thanks for reading and your comments.
To be entirely honest other than the words empathatic and resonated I can't see anything that unusual.
I've really tried to paint a picture here (and yes, I'm experimenting with style so there's going to be rough edges and some previous attempts at being this descriptive have been over-the-top) but I can't think of a better word in either case. What would you suggest? I'd be open to suggestions.

Blackhawk_t · 02-21-2006, 07:42 PM

It's not so much the two dollar words as it is the level of comprehension your readers can understand. My daughter bought me a book that, and I'm not making this up, would require some sort of advanced english degree. I have a pretty extensive vocabulary, and when I read the book, I had to get a dictionary out twice on the first page. After reading a whole two chapters, all I got out of it was something about a house, and a girl who doesn't like her father.

For example: The squalid archway. There are not a whole lot of people who would know what squalid means. Archway is understood, but when some people read it....they may get confused.

In regards to you loving it, that is great. This may appeal to another reader who is on the same level, and it hits them like a ton of bricks. I'm referring to the meaning and style. Which is basically what we are all doing. Writing to appeal to all different types of readers. That is what makes our writing styles unique.

I like your style, it's educative and makes you stop and think. The only problem with me, is that I had to stop and think four times before I got it, and after reading your post, I didn't get it that time either. However after you explained it, I was able to go back and see how clearly your message was presented, but I was unable to comprehend at the time. If that last sentence makes any sense.

Keep writing your style, and I will keep reading it. The more you write, the better I will be at understanding your style. Good work.

Dephere · 02-21-2006, 07:58 PM

I liked this piece, th vocab you used isn't too far removed from society that you should edit it out. Yes, most readers might not comprehend a couple of the words without a handy dicitonary, but that isn't always a bad thing. 50% of people who read Shakespear can't understand what he's saying, suffice it to say you're a good writer.

As to the overall meaning of the piece, it's a bit abstract. I could see the clown and what not, but I didn't get the feeling that the clown was a symbol of the innocent soul of the city and all that.

Nice writing, and maybe next time provide a few more clues as to the symbols.

Rogue Writer · 02-21-2006, 08:31 PM

It's interesting but it is too many big words shoved into one space. It isn't confusing to me but to the average reader, it's a bit strange, and yes the whole message or purpose is way over my head. Is there any more to it? You should think about making some kind of story or poem or something to go along with it. That'd be a great opening paragraph for a story. Your descriptive detail is excellent though. But in the end, all I got out of it was a ?drunken? clown who was eating a burger suddenly wets himself? Everything was good untill the sentence with the burger wrapper.

TheInklings · 02-21-2006, 08:56 PM

I thought this was one of the best pieces I've read. So far, it is the most original work. That is one of the reasons why I loved it. I felt the vocabulary fit it well and found it very interresting. It didn't seem to be too far over people's heads either. I personally enjoyed it.

Oasis Writer · 02-21-2006, 09:46 PM

Dude, this is a nicely written story, but I'm going to be honest, you'd have to have a degree to understand this. I read it and thought about what it meant, and felt good about myself after thinking I understood, then I read what you said it meant and was blown away. You used awesome words and description. Your written is stellar, just I was...wow....Good work, just this was one of those readings that are far above my level.

ross · 02-22-2006, 07:15 AM

Hi Blackhawk.

Quote:

It's not so much the two dollar words as it is the level of comprehension your readers can understand.

I'm certainly writing for educated adults, that's what I hope at least, but I wouldn't want to sound flowery or pretentious though. I do think most people who read books know what squalid means.

Quote:

I'm referring to the meaning and style.

This is experimental for me at least. I don't think I've gotten it right yet.

Quote:

The only problem with me, is that I had to stop and think four times before I got it, and after reading your post, I didn't get it that time either.

I guess I was being much too oblique and shrouded at first. Hopefully I've resolved that somewhat.
I appreciate your reading and your comments. Thanks mate.

Hello Delphere. Thanks for your comments too.

Quote:

it's a bit abstract. I could see the clown and what not, but I didn't get the feeling that the clown was a symbol of the innocent soul of the city and all that.

Fair point. I've had a look at that and kind of spelled it out. I wonder if it's really the better for the meaning being opened right up? Not too sure.
Thanks for the compliment too - I'm still learning though!

Hey Rogue.

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?drunken? clown who was eating a burger

Noooo! He was neither. He was downbeaten and laying amongst the rubbish. The wrapper was just stuck to his clothes.

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too many big words shoved into one space

Shame you didnt enjoy that side of it. I was trying to be very descriptive in as few words as possible, so it might have felt like that.

TheInklings. I'm really pleased you liked it. Thanks very much for reading it.

Quote:

So far, it is the most original work

That is high praise, I hope to be able to live up to that some day.

Hey Oasis.

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have to have a degree to understand this

Really? Bugger! I'd rather it wasn't that exclusive.
Cheers for the compliments though. As for

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readings that are far above

your level. I certainly wouldn't agree with that - you write at a good level.

Overall it's interesting to see the range of opinion. Even more so the range from the first time I posted this some weeks ago. Sure it has changed a bit, but I think I like it more as time goes on.
To everyone who read, including those who didn't comment, thanks for reading. I'll keep trying!