WriterX

This is the introduction to a story I started writing a few days ago. (Wrote three , two were not good enough) I would like to know if this is good for an introduction and if you find any errors say so. In this introduction you get to know only one of the main characters and an evil little character, so these are not everyone who will participate in the other chapters.


The Dragon and Wyrm

Introduction

Galland walked through the camp, watching the spear men train with empty barrels, workers bringing in fresh supplies of rice and water, and a small group of knights talking to each other. When he looked up he noticed an archer, on one of the towers, scanning the horizon for any foes. The Barlan family banner was flying high and it looked magnificent against the sun.

As the captain reached the stables the usual smell of horses surrounded him. The horses were safe in their boxes, minding their own business. All of them were a strong local breed. Perfect for battle. The locals say that when a warrior dies he becomes one of these incredible creatures, to enjoy the sounds of battle for the last time. The stable master walked up to Galland and bowed.
"How mai I help you sir?" he asked rubbing his hands against his dirty, old it seemed, clothes.
"I wanted to know if the horses are doing well and how many were captured in the past few days." said Galland watching the man's old face.
"The horses are doing well, as always. We also managed to capture three. They are being trained even now, as we speak." reported the stable master.
"And how many do we have ready?"
"Eleven, five more are being trained." the captain nodded.
"You are doing a good job."
"Thank you, sir." said the stable master. Galland left the stables and walked to the court yard when suddenly something exploded right in the middle of it. Flames erupted there, although there was nothing flammable.
"What is happening?!" shouted the stable master over the rearing of the horses.
"To arms!" shouted Galland. He took out his sword and ran to the gate where he could already hear sounds of battle. Somebody sounded the alarm horn and from the tents came spear men. Most unprepared and with no armour on. The knights who were earlier talking were also running, with their swords out, much slower than the rest, due to their heavy armour.

Galland reached the gate and saw that it was already consumed in flames. Some men tried to pour water on the fire, but it only increased its size and strength. Galland looked hopelessly at the situation as more of his men grouped up around him not knowing what to expect.
"Incoming!" shouted one of the archers on the tower. Everybody watched the gate, when something smashed through it, destroying it completely. The black object flew straight at the crowd some of the men in the front managed to dodge it but those behind were ripped apart by its force.
"Form line!" shouted Galland and the spear men obeyed, pointing their spears at the gate. When the first attacker entered Galland thought he was dreaming. The man, if he was a man, had completely black skin, with tattoos of snakes all over him. He was wearing some very simple armour, which could hardly defend him, and the only weapons he had were two swords. The archers on the towers fired at the newcomer, but he simply evaded them and ran at the spear men with abnormal speed. He suddenly jumped up, over the heads of the defenders, straight in the crows and started to attack everyone around him. The spear men, being too cramped up could not defend themselves and were quickly killed. But the knights were better prepared and one of them with one swift move hacked the attacker down.

Galland looked back at the open gate to notice more of these strange attackers were coming.
"Spread out and attack!" shouted Galland. Something came falling down from one of the towers. Galland looked at it and noticed it was one of the archers. When he looked at the top of the tower he noticed somebody dressed completely in black stood there. The man was holding a sword and a small object in his hand but Galland could not see what it was. Suddenly the man on the tower threw it straight at one of the knights. The object flew past the metal plates of the knight's armour and managed to cut his throat.

The situation was becoming grim. Galland left his men and ran for the stables. He could hear screams and the clash of swords behind him. When he reached the stables he found the stable master hidden in one of the boxes behind one of the horses.
"H-help me sir." he begged.
"Come we must flee, and inform Dregon of the danger. Get two horses, quick!" the stable master nodded and stood up. He was shaking badly and it seemed he would be unable to do any work, but his many years of experience proved that even during very difficult situations the stable master could still operate, almost normally. Galland sat in the saddle of his horse, the stable master on a second one behind him. When they rode out of the stables Galland noticed how the situation became even worse than before. The last few knight who remained were completely surrounded, taken out one by one. The spear men tried to flee only to be cut down by a group of attackers who guarded the gates. Galland rode forward in a gallop, straight at the gate. He could hear the stable master still behind him. The group of attackers at the gate noticed Galland and prepared to attack. One of them jumped forward, aiming his sword at Galland's neck, but the captain was prepared and with his own sword managed to stop the attacker with his sword. When two more attacked Galland decided that he should ignore them and trample them, but it seemed they expected that and one of them cut away one of the horse's legs.

When Galland opened his eyes after the fall, he could see the stable master on the other side of gates. The old man looked helplessly at Galland. The captain only gestured to the stable master to ride. Suddenly something blocked his sight. He looked up to see the man in black standing above him. It was hard to see his face but Galland finally recognized the man.
"Barlad..." he whispered.
"Yes, Galland, it is not as easy to kill me as your masters first thought. They made a very big mistake not making sure I am dead" finishing these words he cut of Gallands head with one swift move and then watched how the stable master rode off. One of the tattoos men walked up to him.
"Should we chase him master?" he asked.
"No, let him flee, even if he reaches the city nothing will stop the forces of the Wyrm." then he laughed and with Galland's head in his hand he left the camp. A group of tattooed men set the walls and tents alight and after some time the whole camp was in flames. The stable master did not look back, he only rode forward, praying that he would still survive this day.

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"The written word remains. The spoken word takes wing and cannot be recalled."
Anonymous

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts."
Charles Dickens

TheInklings

I do not know much about the correct way to write. However, I do know how to tell a good story and so far I like your story alot. I can't wait to read more of it. I only found some errors or atleast I believe they are errors. There could be more or less, but here is my gramatical input. It may seem like alot but it really isn't and they are all minor things.

is a fragment sentence

not neccessary and you need a " before They

is a Fragment sentence

reverse those two words and put a comma before who and after talking.


is redundant because you used his own sword earlier in that sentance.

need a comma after When two more attacked

should be past tense, so it should be I was not dead or I was dead

should be tatooed


no need for still

Black Riven

I think this is a very good introduction. I found very few things that I thought needed to be changed, and Inklings already pointed out all of them, so I'm afraid I don't have much to add. You wrote it really well.

I particularly liked this line: "The locals say that when a warrior dies he becomes one of these incredible creatures, to enjoy the sounds of battle for the last time." Great idea!

Dephere

Hello Writer X -

Let me point out a few things first...

Should be "may", unless that was meant to reflect a style of speech, which I don't think it was.

I would get rid of the bold, the sentence does not flow well with it in there. Without it sounds just fine.

I would make these agree so it doesn't sound strange:

[bold]"I wanted to know if the horses were doing well..."[/bold]

See how much better it sound just by changing that? It's up to you, but I strongly suggest you do it like this.

I would change the syntax here, how about something like this:

"They are being trained as we speak."

"Even now" and "as we speak" together seems a bit redundant.

My pet peeve is repetition, many people could tell you that, why not just get rid of the first "there" all together? The sentence keeps its meaning and sounds much better.

Again with the repetition...the first "it" is not necessary and you would do better without it.

This sentene is awkward, it needs some re-working. Either split it up or put some comma's in...

"The black object flew straight at the crowd, some of the men in the front managing to dodge it, but those behind were ripped apart by its force."

Should be "knights"...

Should be "was"...

Should be "Galland's"...

Your writing isn't bad, although I would suggest spacing out your paragraphs for ease of reading. The story is nothing very original, but I guess I have to wait for more.

The writing seems to be solid enough, but at times other wordage should be used to avoid awkward sounding sentences.

Overall you did a nice job in keeping me interested. I would keep reading.

I think something like that should fix it.

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