A Fantasy Story - Chp 1... Please give Feedback - Writers Forum

TheInklings · 02-18-2006, 09:17 PM

Chapter 1 - A Young Boy

When Alendric was a young boy, his family didn’t have money. His mother and father worked for other families just to provide food for Alendric and his brothers and sisters. At the age of twelve, Alendric, worked on a farm to help support his family. His father became ill and died when Alendric was twelve. This troubled him and he didn’t know what to do. He grew up working hard and providing for his family. The king, at that time, was a horrid man. He would kill anyone who disobeyed him. He would take anything that he wanted from anyone who had it. And the people of Khran hated him. One day, while Alendric was out working, Lord Vladimir came through his town and was taking food and other goods from the poor peasants. When he came upon Alendric’s house his mother, brothers, and sisters were there. Vladimir came barging in with his servants and began loading his coach with their food. When Alendric’s mother realized what was going on she came out and begged him to stop.

“Ha, you worthless peasant, your only reason to live is to serve me, now begone!” demanded Vladimir.

Then, Alendric’s brothers came out and saw what was happening. They tried to stop Vladimir’s servants and when Vladimir saw that, he had his servants take them and arrest them. And his sisters were taken to be Vladimir’s servants. Alendric’s mother was also arrested and thrown into prison for “defying the wishes of the King.”.

Once nightfall came, Alendric made his way home. He arrived there only to find it empty. Young Alendric thought this to be strange, but then he figured that his family was at the inn for supper and didn’t wait for him, for it was a later night than usual. So, he went to the Knight’s Helm Inn to look for them. However, he could not find them anywhere and the bookkeeper said “Ah, my boy, they haven’t been in here since this morn.”. This puzzled Alendric, for he didn’t know where they could be. It was getting very late and Alendric was growing very hungry, so he ventured home in hopes of finding his family sitting by the fire. Unfortunately, when he got there, he found nothing but the small fire kindling. He fixed himself some stew and waited. As the night grew longer and longer, Alendric became tired and slowly drifted to sleep. He awoke the next day at half-past noon(he always did like to sleep in). He realized that he was late for work and wondered why no one woke him up. He searched the house and no one was there. Then, he remembered the night before and how he had no idea where his family was. He went to his neighbor’s home and asked if they saw anything yesterday, but they hadn’t. As he walked through town, he could here people talking of a family that was taken by Lord Vladimir for not obeying his orders. However, Alendric could not hear who this family was, so he didn’t ponder on the matter. He knew how the king is and it did not surprise him that people would disobey him.

The day passed and Alendric traveled home. On the way, he could still here people talking about this family that was taken. He went up to a man and asked:

“Sir, who is this family that you speak of, I have heard much talk of this and I’m curious to why it’s such a deal? When this happens so often.”

“Why young boy, didn’t you know? Old Marry Habengale was arrested, so were her two boys and two daughters.” replied the man.

“I heard she had three boys, but the youngest one was not home at the time.” chimed in another.

“No, No, that’s a lie, it was three girls and two boys.” the first man corrected.

“You’re wrong, It’s three boys and two girls.” said the other man.

And they continued to argue back and forth about who was right and wrong. After hearing this, Alendric’s eyes grew wide and he began to back away slowly. Tears started coming down his face and he turned and ran home, crying. Mr. Giles (the owner of a small shop by Alenric’s home and a friend of the family) saw Alendric running home. He closed up shop and went over to see what was wrong.

“What’s troubling ya, my boy?” Mr. Giles asked.

“My family, my….family!” Alendric cried.

“What of your family? Has something happened? I have heard nothing, speak boy, speak!” replied Giles.

“That black hearted Vladimir took my family from me! They were at home when he came to take our few goods and mother tried to stop him, then Arathorn and Aermer came to help. And he took them! Everyone!” And Alendric continued to cry.

“My God boy! How awful, he will not stop with just them. He can not let anyone around who could defy him. He will come for you, boy. You must leave, immediately, There is not time.”

“But I can’t make it on my own.” said Alendric.

“You can! You must!” replied Giles.

“You have no choice, your mother would want you to. You are strong….like your father. You will make it. Vladimir is a wicked man and will always be wicked. You are young and deserve to be free. Now pack lightly, take only what you must. Head to a land, far from here, somewhere beautiful and where you can live in peace. Farewell, I must go home and you must leave by tomorrow.” finished Mr. Giles.

Alendric was deeply saddened by this. He was afraid to make it on his own. But he knew Mr. Giles was right. Vladimir was wicked and took pleasure in finding people and arresting them, then sometimes even hanging them. So, Alendric packed his things and got some rest for his journey.

The morning came and Alendric woke to the sounds of birds chirping in the trees. Today was the day that he must become a man. He grabbed his things and walked out, watching his home disappear. Word of Alendric’s journey had spread around town very fast. So, as he left families, friends, and strangers watched and said their goodbyes to the young boy. As he was leaving town, he heard hooves clanking up behind him. He turned around in horror. There on his black steed sat Lord Vladimir with his officers at his side.

“So boy, you are the youngest son of Old Lady Mary?” asked Vladimir. “Your family defied me and you shall all be punished for that.” Alendric began to feel ill. “However, your brothers and sisters will not be harmed. They are young and will become my servants. Unfortunately for your mother, she is too old to serve a purpose for me. Unless you come with me now, your mother shall be hanged.”

“Let the boy go.” a voice said. Alendric could hear the voice coming closer to him. “He has done no harm to you, nor has his family. Let them be free.” said Mr. Giles

“You fool! No one is free in my land. You all belong to me to do my biddings. Now begone or I shall have you all thrown in jail!” Vladimir demanded.

Even though Vladimir had made himself quite clear in his orders, the crowd remained motionless. These were the people who were brave enough to stand up for what they believed in. When Vladimir gave them one last chance, he called in his soldiers. No one would budge. Mr. Giles ordered this militia to ready themselves. What was about to happen would be the end of some of them, but they were willing to sacrifice themselves for the life of this young boy. After receiving their order, they readied their clubs, short swords, daggers, and anything else they could get their hands on. They were prepared. At the next moment, Vladimir had had enough. He ordered his soldiers to arrest the defying crowd. And before Alendric knew what was happening, there was a battle breaking out. He could see Mr. Giles in the middle yelling to him “Run, Alendric, run! Now is your chance!” So, Alendric ran, as fast as he could, with tears in his eyes. He was crying so hard that his vision became blurred from the waves of tears coming down his face. He had no idea where he was going. He would just run. And so, Alendric’s real adventure begins.

Gabrielle_Sinclair · 02-18-2006, 10:25 PM

GAH! that is damn good!!! write more... o_o and hi btw =)

Oasis Writer · 02-19-2006, 01:52 AM

Hey dude, I said I would take a look and I'm a man of my word. This story has a lot of information, like I said, and it's so far very good. Lots of things that keep you hooked. Now, this does look like a long line of things I found, but I do want to say, these are all opinions, and I'm not trying t obe harsh, just trying to help you out. Two things first, you were very repeatitive with the words, he and them. I know that feeling. I am repeatitve sometimes as well, so I would recollect on using other words, or names, or dropping the word completely, because sometimes, the reader can digest that he is following that person. Now, everything below is what I saw. I may have missed some things. I may be wrong. So, I hope this helps. Very good story, when I get time, I'm going to take a look at number two. Good work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

...He grew up working hard and providing for his family.
(New Paragraph)
The king, at that time, was a horrid man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

And the people of Khran hated him. (Fragment sentence)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

When he came upon Alendric’s house, (Needs a comma) his mother, brothers, and sisters were there. (Sentence needs something more. Seems neglected)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

When Alendric’s mother realized what was going on, (Needs a comma) she came out and begged him to stop.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

he had his servants take them and arrest them. (Don't need them twice)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

“Ah, my boy, they haven’t been in here since this morn.”. (Drop a period)
(New Paragraph)
This puzzled Alendric, for he didn’t know where they could be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

(he always did like to sleep in). (Try not to use parenthesis in a story unless necessary, and this didn't seem all that necessary)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

“Sir, who is this family that you speak of? (End sentence)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

(the owner of a small shop by Alenric’s home and a friend of the family) (Try not to use parenthesis.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

You must leave, immediately, There is not time (You either need to get rid of the comma and change it to a period, or change the caps on There.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

And before Alendric knew what was happening, there was a battle breaking out.
(New Paragraph)
He could see Mr. Giles in the middle yelling to him

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

Now is your chance!”
(New Paragraph)
So, Alendric ran, as fast as he could, with tears in his eyes.

TheInklings · 02-19-2006, 09:42 AM

thanks Oasis

I often miss little things such as punctuation and when to end and begin a new paragraph. The main thing I realized too was my using of He and Them alot. Thanks for the input and I will work on correcting them.

Oasis Writer · 02-19-2006, 10:40 AM

Anything to help bud, so don't take to much worry into it.

Dephere · 02-19-2006, 01:33 PM

Okay, I did not read the whole thing, but I wanted to tell you why.

Throughout the story you "tell" us what's happening...I never get to see things, or experience them. You simply tell us he couldn't find them in the inn, why not tell us what he did see.

Quote:

However, he could not find them anywhere...

As opposed to something like this:

"He breeched the door of the quiet inn, hoping to discover his family. As the wooden door opened he made note of the occupants. Only a sparse few remained, an old man sitting in the corner and three young men drinking at the table near the fireplace. He continued to look, but the wooden tables didn't harbor his family."

You see what I mean? Something to that degree can give us more of a picture in our mind, allow to see what you're talking about. Having things just happen makes the pace of the story way too fast, and much less interesting.

Your writing mechanics seem to be fine, but I don't like the "tell" rather than show. I've been there myself, it's something you can fix with work.

Jelly-Beanz-Rule · 02-19-2006, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dephere

"He breeched the door of the quiet inn, hoping to discover his parents."

wait a min. Dephere, but didn't i read that his dad was gone or something?

But I liked the story

Dephere · 02-19-2006, 02:15 PM

Yes, his father is dead, I'm sorry...it should be family instead of parents...will go and change that right now.

Bakana-san · 02-19-2006, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheIknlings

Chapter 1 - A Young Boy

When Alendric was a young boy, his family didn’t have money. His mother and father worked for other families just to provide food for Alendric and his brothers and sisters. At the age of twelve, Alendric,1 worked on a farm to help support his family. His father became ill and died when Alendric was twelve. This troubled him and he didn’t know what to do. He grew up working hard and providing for his family.NP2 The king, at that time, was a horrid man. He would kill anyone who disobeyed him. He would take anything that he wanted from anyone who had it. And3 the people of Khran hated him. One day, while Alendric was out working, Lord Vladimir came through his town and was taking food and other goods from the poor peasants. When he came upon Alendric’s house C4 his mother, brothers, and sisters were there. Vladimir came barging in with his servants and began loading his coach with their food. When Alendric’s mother realized what was going on C5 she came out and begged him to stop.

“Ha, you worthless peasant,6 your only reason to live is to serve me, now begone!” demanded Vladimir.

Then,7 Alendric’s brothers came out and saw what was happening. They tried to stop Vladimir’s servants and8 when Vladimir saw that, he had his servants take them and arrest them. And9 his sisters were taken to be Vladimir’s servants. Alendric’s mother was also arrested and thrown into prison for “defying the wishes of the King.”.

Once nightfall came, Alendric made his way home. He arrived there only to find it empty. Young Alendric thought this to be strange, but then he figured that his family was at the inn for supper and didn’t wait for him, for it was a later night than usual. So, he went to the Knight’s Helm Inn to look for them. However, he could not find them anywhere and10 the bookkeeper said “Ah, my boy, they haven’t been in here since this morn.”. This puzzled Alendric, for he didn’t know where they could be. It was getting very late and Alendric was growing very hungry, so he ventured home in hopes of finding his family sitting by the fire. Unfortunately, when he got there, he found nothing but the small fire kindling. He fixed himself some stew and waited. As the night grew longer and longer, Alendric became tired and slowly drifted to sleep. He awoke the next day at half-past noon(he always did like to sleep in). He realized that he was late for work and wondered why no one woke him up. He searched the house and no one was there. Then, he remembered the night before and how he had no idea where his family was. He went to his neighbor’s home and asked if they saw anything yesterday, but they hadn’t. As he walked through town, he could here11 people talking of a family that was taken by Lord Vladimir for not obeying his orders. However, Alendric could not hear who this family was, so he didn’t ponder on the matter. He knew how the king is12 and it did not surprise him that people would disobey him.

The day passed and Alendric traveled home. On the way, he could still here13 people talking about this family that was taken. He went up to a man and asked:

“Sir, who is this family that you speak of, I have heard much talk of this and I’m curious to why it’s such a deal? When this happens so often.”

“WhyC14 young boy, didn’t you know? Old Marry Habengale was arrested, so were her two boys and two daughters.” replied the man.

“I heard she had three boys, but the youngest one was not home at the time.” chimed in another.

“No, No, that’s a lie, it was three girls and two boys.” the first man corrected.

“You’re wrong, It’s three boys and two girls.” said the other man.

And they continued to argue back and forth about who was right and wrong. After hearing this, Alendric’s eyes grew wide and he began to back away slowly. Tears started coming down his face and he turned and ran home, crying. Mr. Giles (the owner of a small shop by Alenric’s home and a friend of the family)15 saw Alendric running home. He closed up shop and went over to see what was wrong.

“What’s troubling ya, my boy?” Mr. Giles asked.

“My family, my….family!” Alendric cried.

“What of your family? Has something happened? I have heard nothing, speak boy, speak!” replied Giles.

“That black hearted Vladimir took my family from me! They were at home when he came to take our few goods and mother tried to stop him, then Arathorn and Aermer came to help. And he took them! Everyone!” And16 Alendric continued to cry.

“My GodC17 boy! How awful, he will not stop with just them. He can not let anyone around who could defy him.18 He will come for you, boy. You must leave, immediately, There is not time.”

“But I can’t make it on my own.” said Alendric.

“You can! You must!” replied Giles.

“You have no choice, your mother would want you to. You are strong….like your father. You will make it. Vladimir is a wicked man and will always be wicked. You are young and deserve to be free. Now pack lightly, take only what you must. Head to a land, far from here, somewhere beautiful and where you can live in peace.19 Farewell, I must go home and you must leave by tomorrow.” finished Mr. Giles.

Alendric was deeply saddened by this. He was afraid to make it on his own.20 But he knew Mr. Giles was right. Vladimir was wicked and took pleasure in finding people and arresting them, then sometimes even hanging them. So, Alendric packed his things and got some rest for his journey.

The morning came and Alendric woke to the sounds of birds chirping in the trees. Today was the day that he must become a man. He grabbed his things and walked out, watching his home disappear. Word of Alendric’s journey had spread around town very fast. So, as he left families, friends, and strangers watched and said their goodbyes to the young boy.21 As he was leaving town, he heard hooves clanking up behind him. He turned around in horror. There on his black steed sat Lord Vladimir with his officers at his side.

“So boy, you are the youngest son of Old Lady Mary?” asked Vladimir. “Your family defied me and you shall all be punished for that.” Alendric began to feel ill. “However, your brothers and sisters will not be harmed. They are young and will become my servants. Unfortunately for your mother, she is too old to serve a purpose for me. Unless you come with me now, your mother shall be hanged.”

“Let the boy go.” a voice said. Alendric could hear the voice coming closer to him. “He has done no harm to you, nor has his family. Let them be free.” said Mr. Giles

“You fool! No one is free in my land. You all belong to me to do my biddings. Now begone or I shall have you all thrown in jail!” Vladimir demanded.

Even though Vladimir had made himself quite clear in his orders, the crowd remained motionless. These were the people who were brave enough to stand up for what they believed in. When Vladimir gave them one last chance, he called in his soldiers. No one would budge. Mr. Giles ordered this militia to ready themselves. What was about to happen would be the end of some of them, but they were willing to sacrifice themselves for the life of this young boy. After receiving their order, they readied their clubs, short swords, daggers, and anything else they could get their hands on. They were prepared. At the next moment, Vladimir had had enough. He ordered his soldiers to arrest the defying crowd. And before Alendric knew what was happening, there was a battle breaking out. He could see Mr. Giles in the middleC22 yelling to him “Run, Alendric, run! Now is your chance!” So, Alendric ran, as fast as he could, with tears in his eyes. He was crying so hard that his vision became blurred from the waves of tears coming down his face. He had no idea where he was going. He would just run. And so, Alendric’s real adventure begins.

1: remove comma
2: start new paragraph here, the ideas on the two different sides are different
3: replace the periods in the previous three sentences with commas or remove the "and" or do nothing about it. It just doesn't sound good
4: add comma
5: add comma
6: my mistake, remove
7: my mistake, remove
8: replace with a period, capitalize the first letter after the period
9: doesn't sound good
10: the book keeper didn't just say that when the boy passed by, did he? include the part where the boy asked him
11: replace with "hear"
12: replace with "was" because this story takes place in the past
13: replace with "hear"
14: add comma
15: this information is required, replace the brackets with commas
16: you can write "and" there only if you add that the boy said that comment at the beginning of the comment
17: add a comma, "oh god boy" actually looks like a title or a name to me
18: apart from the "can not" and how it should be "cannot", I don't like the structuring of that sentence.
19: incoherent, I don't like the structuring of that sentence
20: replace with comma because the two sentences are one thought
21: I don't like the structuring of that sentence
22: add comma

Other then that, I loved your story! I even detected a little "medival" writing style in that story, am I right?

That was a great read!

TheInklings · 02-20-2006, 03:59 PM

thank you Bakana-san..I often miss those errors and I am glad you helped point them out. And yes there is a hint of medival writing to my story. I will continue to write it for those who want to continue to read it.