Paris ( So Divine )

She ran upstairs to find the phone. When she did, she picked up and tried to call 911 but there was no dial tone. Just when she opened her mouth to scream for help, he stepped into the room. Paralyzed with fear, she slowly turned around. It all happened so fast that she didn’t realize that he had a gun in his hand. She leaped forward…only to be shot down. He put the gun back in his pocket and walked haughtily out of the room.


-- Ďıvıηe РЯ°duč†ı°ηs ].×

Rogue Writer

Uhhh...yeah. So, that was uhhh, short? Might want to get an actual story going before you post something. That was just...I don't know, like That. Try getting a bit more down.

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Yeah, one of those days isn't it?

Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours?
Heading for Violence

Dephere

I'm not real sure why you posted this...do you want a critique, because there's not enough here to warrant one. I suggest getting a little more down on paper before you begin posting.

Just some advice!

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Verago

Wow. That was a really long piece. If you want critique, I might suggest posting it in smaller sections.

X_X

aliceedelweiss

maybe it was flash? I don't know. Even if it was flash, there was nothing there....it kind of looks like a basic outline of something happening and then you add in the fancy words. >_<
Alice

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Verago

It probably wasn't flash.
No, certainly not flash.
Perhaps "blink" fiction.

Paris ( So Divine )

THREE YEARS BEFORE

“I haven’t talked to Jamal in a week. Why what do you need with him?” Melody found herself talking almost calmly to a person she hated the most. Kai. Kai was the mother of Jamal’s child, from a previous relationship. Melody didn’t like her. Never did. Even before she and Jamal started dating.
“I need some money. D’Asia is going to camp next week.” Melody thought, What camp is there for three year old children? But she kept her thoughts to herself. “Well when I hear from him. I’ll make sure to tell him about it.” Melody hung up the phone. Even though she knew Kai was about to say something else. Melody sat down on the couch near the window and stared out into the streets. It was filled with a bunch of kids. She and Jamal lived in an average apartment complex on a very bad side of town. He had convinced her that it wouldn’t be long before they had there own house. But it had been two years. And they still hadn’t gotten a house. In fact, most everything Jamal had promised never came through. When he and Jamal first started dating, back when Melody was 19, he’d promised to buy her a car to replace the one he’d wrecked. Four years later and she’s still walking to work. The phone rang, interrupting Melody’s thoughts. She walked over and picked up. It was Jamal’s mother. She was complaining about how Jamal owes her money. “I’m sorry Miss Tina. I wish I could help. I don’t have a clue where Jamal. He went to the “store” Monday. I haven’t seen him since.” Melody listened to what she’d said. She always felt like a fool when Jamal did things like this. He just up and left. Without even a goodbye. “Well you tell HIM that I want my fifty dollars or else I will SUE him!” Tina hung up the phone. Melody didn’t bother. If she didn’t put it back on the hook, no one else could bother her. She was sick and tired of the way Jamal treated his friends, his family, and her. She went back over to the couch and stared out of the window.

-- Ďıvıηe РЯ°duč†ı°ηs ].×

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( Divine --> Purity Of The Soul ).

Verago

Ah.
Now it's interesting.

Paris ( So Divine )

Jamal walked in about midnight that night. “Hey baby” He stopped and kissed her on the cheek. She stood motionless. For a minute, she didn’t have the courage to say anything. Not that Jamal had abused her in anyway, but she’s always felt intimidated by him. “Where have you been? I haven’t seen or heard from you in days.” She said, half whispering. Jamal looked at her. His eyes were cold and glassy. “I had things to do.” He walked into the bedroom. Melody followed him, scared out of her mind. “What do you mean you had things to do? Tell me where the hell you’ve been!” Melody started shouting, before she knew it. Jamal dropped everything he had in his hands. “Leave me alone right now. I don’t feel like arguing with you.” Jamal sat down on the bed. Melody felt her eyes tingling. She knew that Jamal always ran from his problems, never talked about them. When Kai first told Jamal she was pregnant, Jamal went away for two months. No one saw or heard from. He was just gone. “Jamal. I refuse to let this slide, okay? You have to tell me where you were otherwise--” Jamal stood up abruptly. “Otherwise what Mel? What you plan to do? Leave?” Melody was so taken aback by the question that she couldn’t find any words to say. Jamal continued. “Mel, I’m sick and fuckin tired of your complaining. I don’t cheat, I don’t creep so why should you be worried? Feeling guilty bout something?” Jamal was talking so fast that Melody couldn’t process anything. She burst into tears. Jamal looked at her, sighed, and starting wiping her tears. “You know what? You’re insecure. You don’t have to worry Mel I would never ever cheat on you. Ever. I love you so much. And I don’t want any problems. So can we please just forget today happened?” He held Melody close to him, her tears fell on his shoulder and slid down his neck. He kissed her neck, then her lips. Then laid her down and took off all her clothes. She stared at the ceiling, not knowing what to think. Could this be a cycle? A bad habit?

àA Ďıvıηe РЯ°duč†ı°η ].×

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( Divine --> Purity Of The Soul ).