Blackhawk_t

Author's Note:

I wrote this late at night, and haven't had a real good chance to proof read. There are probably some errors, please feel free to point them out. And as always, any critiquing with genuinely appreciated.

Slim Georgensen stood atop Mount Enreekae, staring off into the lush wilderness and glimpsing out through the tops of the once glorified forest. Towards the ruins of Echanon and the shrine of Pedalene that surrounded Uncle Jed’s Mexican style, Italian diner.

He had traveled two days through blistering heat and freezing nights to prove that his pride ran deeper than the pale skin covering his fragile body. He pulled a soiled handkerchief from his pocket, and wiped the bloody sweat from his brow. The handkerchief had been a family heirloom, handed down from generation to generation, originating from a time before the birth of Christ. He inhaled its vile stench, vomiting huge chunks of tummy stuff.

His journey had been long. One that he would never wish to repeat, but he had saved the failing reputation of his family name. Something no one dared to defile while he was present.

He took one last deep, determined breath and reminisced about the journey in which he partook. Closing his eyes, he felt the last warmth of the evening sun as it faded over the horizon. This is what life was meant to live for.

It had not always been this easy for Slim. Born into poverty, he worked on the family ranch to support his cow pie collecting habit. One his single mother did not approve of, but it kept him off drugs and away from the local pool hall. His life was an open calendar. Filled daily with timelines and locations of where he needed to be.

Every morning around ten, he made his way to Uncle Jed’s Mexican style, Italian diner. Passed the Chinese themed arches and through the sliding double doors that greeted each customer as they entered the establishment. He gave Joe, the ninety-year old security guard a gentle nudge as he walked in. Unbeknownst to Slim, he had knocked Joe off the bar stool he was sleeping on, causing him to split his head open on the caffeine free cigarette vending machine.

The crowded booths and circular seats echoed with the hustle and bustle of eager patrons who waited inside. Once Slim entered, the crescendo of voices stopped. All eyes turned towards Slim and snickered silently amongst themselves.

“Better order another truck load of food!” One man in the back yelled out. The ruthless comment was followed with hoards of comical laughter.


Slim would openly admit that he wasn’t in the best of shape. At five hundred pounds, he could use a little time at the gym. Of course, if he was six-feet nine inches, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. However, Slim only stood a meager four-foot two inches. This isn’t bad, considering he was still in the sixth grade.

An open booth in the corner, under the excessively used dart board beckoned Slim to take a seat. He was here for his morning ritual of brunchfast. It’s the meal between breakfast and brunch.

Eliza, the usual waitress, greeted him with a toothless smile. She didn’t even stop to remove the cigarette from her mouth. “The usual?” She asked Slim, putting out her cigarette in his coffee. He nodded an affirmative yes, and proceeded to remove the darts from his back, which were now falling all around him.

The welcoming aroma of fresh cinnamon rolls and hot buttered bread lingered in the stale morning air. He envisioned the soon to arrive plate of hot steaming elder berry pancakes. Piled sixteen layers high and covered with turtle pee. A foreign delicacy that most of the local commoners yet to have had the pleasure of.

Slim opened his eyes to see a man in his mid-forties approaching him. He was covered in glossy black leather that creaked with each stride. Long matted hair fell upon both sides of his shoulders and a brown stained beard of grey flung wildly from the wind of the overhead fans.

Slim felt his pulse quicken, and let out a nervous sigh of self doubt. The man, who was now standing next to the table, easily towered over Slim at seven feet tall. Slim opened his mouth as if to try and speak, but the words did not come.

“Your momma know you’re here boy?” The man asked with a deep, gravely voice.

Slim stared about the room, unsure of how to answer. “Yes.” He finally managed to squeak out, not knowing weather to cry or scream.

“You ever been to the top of Mount Enreekae?”

“No sir, I haven’t. I’ve heard it’s lovely up there.”

The man sat down across from Slim, resting his arms sharply upon the edges of the table. His mouth turned upwards in a mischievous grin as he asked, “I’ll bet you’re scared to climb it. In fact, I’ll bet you a whole twenty dollars that you can’t make it up there in one piece.”

Slim, who now had a mouthful of pancakes, commented sarcastically, “My momma says I can do whatever I put my mind to.”


The man bellowed out a high pitched laugh as he slapped his hand on the table. “Well, we better not let your momma down now, shall we?”

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Dephere

Okay, I got my fix, I'm here.

Let me point out some things...

I get in trouble for this all the time, so I'm going to point it out. To make the second one a sentence I think you have to add "He was staring....", or just connect it to the first one (i.e. "Slim Georgensen stood atop Mount Enreekae, staring off into the lush wilderness and glimpsing out through the tops of the once glorified forest.")

Those are two ways you can fix it.

There needs to be a "the" in front of shrine, and the second part I pointed out because it is a mouthful. I think you might want to take out a word or two. Perhaps something like this:

"Towards the ruins of Echanon and the shrine of Pedalene that surrounded Uncle Jed’s Mexican style, Italian diner."

It seems to work a little better without bakery and a comma thrown in there.

Same thing as before....I love all the ethnic contradictions, lol. Mexican style, Italian diner, and Chinese themed arches. It really makes me laugh.

Needs another comma, and dashes like this:

"He gave Joe, the ninety-year-old security[color=red],[/colore] guard a gentle nudge as he walked in."

You have some good comic relief in this piece, I like that.

You had me rolling at this part, I love how you downplay it.

I don't know many sixth graders who drink coffee...

I love reading your writing, it's so easy to get through, and hilarious to read. It really keeps me entertained. This was a joy of a read, as is your other story. You have a good sense of humor, which really brings the story along.

It seemed like a western-type spoof to me, I hope that was your angle.

Good job!

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Blackhawk_t

Thank you as always for taking the time to read my thread. I have made the changes that you pointed out, and hope it flows smoother.

Yeah.....it doesn't fit, but not much of the rest of the story does either. I hoping to catch people off guard and make them pause for a second to see if they read it right.

Thanks again.

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MapleTea

how can hankies be ripe?????? Are you saying they grow on trees?

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My anti-drug: I'm not doing anything Bush thinks is cool.

Dephere

That's all you have to say after reading someone's story...I'm sorry, but that in itself is rude. I know this is not my piece to defend, but come on.

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Blackhawk_t

Author's Note:

He pulled a taut, soiled handkerchief from his pocket, its vile stench a putrid sour, and wiped the blood soaked sweat from his brow.

Instead of a ripe handkercheif, this is what I changed it to. Let me know what you think.

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MapleTea

...
Well, better. Taut is unnecessary. Putrid sour does not make sense. Sweat, which is liquid, cannot be blood soaked.

He pulled a soiled, vile-smelling handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the bloody sweat from his brow.

Isn't that a bit...just...easier to read?
I'm not trying to offend you. I just...

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My anti-drug: I'm not doing anything Bush thinks is cool.

Oasis Writer

Hey dude, very good work. Very funny. I only found one mistake.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackhawk_t The man sat down across from Slim, (Slim needs to be capped)

Otherwise, very good work. Hope to see more soon. Stellar work

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Blackhawk_t

Oasis, thanks for pointing out the error, I fixed it.

Okay, I changed it one more time. The last two sentences are a bit much, and will be edited later. I actually had several paragraphs about the handkerchief's origin and blah, blah, blah.....but figured it might detract from the story. Maybe later, I'll just remove the handkerchief all together, but right now, it is important to the story. I don't know how, but eventually it will be revealed.

Don't take this as sarcasm.....I'm just having fun, and I appreciate your feedback.

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Dephere

Yes, very nice...I liked all the changes except for this little part:

"Tummy stuff" just seems too informal here, but other than that awesome. It really seems to flow nicely, I don't know if I told you that before...(too lazy to go check. lol)

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Blackhawk_t

Yes.....I knew somebody would catch the tummy stuff thing, but it paints such a clear and vivid picture of what's happening. So I'll leave it in for a few days, and then change it.

Thank You

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Oasis Writer

lol - nice and funny editting. Tummy stuff doesn't really fit, like Dephere said, but it's fridgin' hilarious. So keep it. This is coming off like a comedy book, so keep it. lol

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