Angels of Aurora IV: Blossom (Ch. 5) - Writers Forum

Oasis Writer · 02-12-2006, 11:53 PM

Going in for publication.

Small-town_Wright · 02-17-2006, 03:04 PM

Oasis, Where is chapter 4?

Oasis Writer · 02-17-2006, 08:10 PM

In my signature, where it says Aurora (IV)

Titania · 02-17-2006, 08:17 PM

That link goes to chapter 3 for some reason

Oasis Writer · 02-17-2006, 08:20 PM

I'll fix it. Thank you for telling me.

Deltadown13 · 02-25-2006, 03:57 AM

wheres number four. i just was at number four. number four was cool. all sorts of action packed. woohoo! oh well, out with the old in with the cheese. this one is too long for me to read at 3 in the mornin. so i'll read some other time i get time to come one here and read. so far. i read to the jacking at the store. see. i'm going to be a policeman. i would have totally kicked his ass. gun and all. boom. bam. shawack. no more mugger. behind bars for 25 to life. but i stopped there. i'll finish and tell you how much it was awesome and stuff when i want to. hehe

Oasis Writer · 02-25-2006, 02:29 PM

lol - Sure, if you were a cop, you could have totally had him in jail. lol, thank you for reading what you did Delta and thank you for the kind words.

Deltadown13 · 02-26-2006, 01:36 AM

okay. like totally finished it now. really good stuff, but lot of info. i cant wait to see what happens. but i like, want to see some evil freaking fighting. come on. you do good at talking a lot and stuff. but i need some more battles and all that. otherwise, you got a nice story. reminds me of.......

....don't know

Titania · 02-26-2006, 02:41 PM

Onwards to chapter 5...

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the golden, silver doors

the gold and silver doors?

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so know that the Coliseum does that nine fiend battles, and the last one is just you fighting them.

I think you meant something different here. maybe:
So now the Coliseum does those nine fiend battles, and the last one...?

towns people can be one word– townspeople

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but the after rebellion happened too

If I'm understanding correctly after-rebellion should be hyphenated

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He shook his head a little, lifting his clammy fingers to where he was struck to feel the bump.

I think maybe "was struck" should be "had been struck"

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Ten minutes passed through the walk hope

Is this supposed to be the walk home?

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He was a gymnast that sported all around Milvalro, the continent that was above the two island states, and very cute; which was an extra plus for her.

Lol... the semicolon here should be a comma.

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the muscular woman that had came into the Coliseum this afternoon

come

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He would be extremely hard to beat she figured.

You either need a commma between "beat" and "she" or you could rearrange it like this:
She figured he would be extremely hard to beat.

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He had to strong of pride to turn down a fight.

As is this should be "too", and I think it'd make more sense to say too much pride

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George from down the street, which was very handsome and strong

Who rather than which, otherwise it sounds like you're saying that the street is very handsome and strong

. Same with Serge just after this.

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She had jumped off the cliff, and now, the only way she would live is if they said yes and caught her.

either was or would be

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Steven on the other hand, was more apprehensive and oppose to this tournament.

should be a comma after Steven, and opposed rather than oppose

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Matt, who she hadn’t ask yet

who she hadn't asked yet

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“Now what I’m I going to do?”

I think you mean Now what am I going to do?

As always most of these are just grammatical things, typos, et cetera. There's not a lot going on here but it builds the anticipation for actually seeing the fights, and adds even more mystery with the robberies and a few more glimpses into the background of the place. Nice work.

Oasis Writer · 02-26-2006, 05:14 PM

Hey Titania, thank you a lot for the extra help on grammar and stuff. I really appreciate it. Hopefully soon, I'll get my next chapters on here. Everything explains itself after a while. Thank you a lot.

And I'm glad you got to finish it Delta and thank you for the, lol, nice words. Thanks

darthwader · 04-04-2006, 09:35 AM

I think that this was the most reader-friendly part so far.
I've got a few notes (sorry if they've been said before)

Quote:

Wasn’t he an old war pal with Matt and Steven’s parents?”

When I read this, it seemed like 'the parents of Matt and Steven'
I'm not sure, but I think you can put a comma after Matt, which would separate them better.

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He lifted a bronze, rusted gun up, pointed at Jordan.

This doesn't sound right to me. I would write it more like this:
He lifted a rusted, bronze gun, pointing it at Jordan.

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grabbed all her money, which to her regret, was not that much

Is regret really the right word here? If I was being robbed, I wouldn't regret that I didn't have a lot of money on me.

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“I will be fine. I was in Soldier,”

Shouldn't this be a

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“it’s on the house. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” she said gratefully, “thank you, Patrick. Take it easy, okay?”

She agrees to that unreasonably fast. It seems to me that she should think it over for a second (of course if you are trying to indicate that she was so desperate for the food that she didn't second-guess the offer, then disregard what I just wrote)

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like ninety and was far to old, would to the ninth slot

This makes no sense to me.

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“Doing what?”

“And I’ll tell you guys if you promise to help.”

Neither does this.

Those criticisms aside, I did like this, in many ways moreso than the previous posts.

Oasis Writer · 04-04-2006, 11:36 AM

Hey darthwader, thank you very much for all your help. I appreciate all the help and thank you for the critique. Again, thank you.

Rayner · 04-06-2006, 09:43 PM

Heyn Oasis Writer, just got done. I like the humer in this one alot. Also, its cool how jordan is somewhat manipulative, but is still a likable character. The other chracters are also very good, and all have a good personalities.

Quote:

“that’s fine. So, today was a 'no profit gained’ day. That sucks.”

Capitalize the T.

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“where would we get ten fighters? How would we judge the ten best? How would we do that at all?”

Capitalize the W.

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“that’s correct, but the after-rebellion happened too

Capitalize the T

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“I will, child,” he grinned, still rubbing his head.

Comma should be a period.

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Jordan took a while guess

I think you ment wild guess.

The story is really entertaining and cool! I'm enjoying as usal. Hope this helped.

Ruben · 04-06-2006, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Comma should be a period.

No it shouldn't

Rayner · 04-06-2006, 09:57 PM

Sorry. Won't happen again.