Lily - Writers Forum

writerprincess15 · 02-10-2006, 04:49 PM

This is just the beginning to something i have kind of sort of been thinking about. Believe it or not its going to end up being a romance type thing. This is just a completely rough copy so please dont be too harsh on me ppl! lol. any and all advice is always welcome of course. And i may be adding more onto this later...maybe...lol.
Take care everyone
Love hugs and god bless
Love always
Terra-Ann

"Lillian!"
"Huh?"
"LILLIAN!"
"I SAID HUH! GEEZ!"
"Well come downstairs will you? And dont give me that attitude!"
Seventeen year old Lily Parker sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Lillian......"
"I'm COMING!" Lily snapped, "God!" She mumbled under her breath. She said a "i g2g" to her best friend Anna on her computer and logged off. Then she pulled her long wavy sandy brown hair into a pony and jogged from her room to her spiral staircase and down into the kitchen where her Mom was starting supper.
"Yeah Mom? What did you want?" Lily asked, sitting down at the counter behind her Mom and helping herself to an apple from the fruit basket on the table.
"Now sis, dont spoil supper!"
Just as Lily was about to take a bite her 15 year old brother Alex snatched it away from her and ran out of the room.
"AL! Ughhhhh!" Lily moved to go after him but her Mom turned to her and said, "For goodness sake Lillian just let your brother go, he was at basketball practice all day. He needs that more then you do."
"Oh so now you are saying i am fat?"
"Lillian, can we spare the drama right now? All i am saying is that if you would just get more involved with after school activities maybe you could make some friends...."
"I have friends! I like my friends! We have been through this a million times! There is nothing wrong with my friends! Just because i am not the popular cheerleader bitch you were in high school doesn't mean i am not a good person..."
"Lillian!"
"What?"
The two women glared at each other.
"Did you call me down for a reason or just to make me feel bad again?" Lily said.
"Watch your attitude! I have had enough of your snippiness! And as a matter of fact yes, i do have a reason. I just got off the phone with Sherry and Robert and they invited us to spend a few weeks with them at their cabin on Johnson Lake!"
Immediatly Lily groaned. "Do we have to?"
"Of course we do! We are going on June 8th, and are staying for a couple of weeks."
"June 8th? But Mom, thats when school ends! I dont want to spend the first part of my summer with those people!"
"Those people happen to be our friends...."
"No Mom! Not our friends! Your friends! Just because you and Sherry grew up in school together doesn't mean her sons and i are friends!"
"Oh i really dont see why not! Alex and Mark have no problem with....."
"Yeah well thats because Alex and Mark are popular and are in sports! I could care less about all of that!"
"Lillian....."
"Do i have to go?"
"Yes you have to go! And stop being so ungrateful! This is a very generous offer! Do you know what most people would have to pay to go on a vacation like that? And we are going along for free! Most people....."
"I could really care less about 'most people'. Cant i just stay home? I am old enough!"
"Now thats enough. You are going and thats final. Now go upstairs and finish your homework."
"Its done..."
"Then clean your room."
"Its clean..."
"Lillian stop being smart with me and just go up until supper is ready."
"Whatever..." Lily rolled her eyes and stomped up the stairs to her room. She went in, slammed the door behind her, and plopped down on her bed. Then she threw a pillow over her face and screamed into it. As she rolled over onto her side and stared at the wall she was absolutely fuming with anger. Why in gods name did she have to go along? Her mother knew very well how much she hated Tyeler! Just because his mom and her mom were best friends didn't mean he and her were. Far from it! They were complete opposites and Lily detested Tye with her whole heart! Why was that so hard for her mother to get? Ughhhh! She hated this! An entire two weeks with the most popular most idiotic selfish boy in the school? Why didn't her mother just shoot her! It would be less painful! As for the younger brother Ryeland, well he was ok. He was 12 and he was alright, last time she'd talked to him at least. But he was getting older, so it was only inevitable that he would soon morph into a asshole soon. It was in his blood. He was bound to end up like his brother.
"Ughhhh!" She rolled over to her other side and looked at her clock on her computer. 6:57 pm. She groaned again. Mark wouldn't be home until 8. And she wanted to talk to him. He was the only one who actually understood her. He was 19 and was coming up from college early, seeing as summer break was in a week. He had always been popular. But he got her. He took the time to listen to her. No matter what. And he wouldn't be home for another hour.
Clunk!
Lily jumped and sat up. What was that? She could of sworn she'd heard something.
Clunk!
She jerked her head to her window, and knew at once someone had to be throwing a rock at it.
She spun her legs over her head and did a summersault over her bed and walked to her window. She opened it and walked onto the balcony. Then she looked down and saw....
"Ben!" Her face lit up when she saw her eighteen year old best guy friend. He smiled back up at her and dropped the rocks. But right away Lily knew that something was wrong.
"Whats wrong?" She called down.
He climbed up the side of her house and onto her balcony. He had tears in his eyes!
"Ben! What is it?"
"L..Lily." He stutterd out. "We're leaving."
"What?" Lily looked puzzled as Ben took her hands.
"We're leaving now. Chad is really sick. They dont think he's going to make it. And so we are all flying out to the cities where the best doctors are. We may not be back for weeks. I just had to come by and say bye. Because we are leaving now and they wont let me call you. Because...well you know how our parents dont get along."
"Oh my gosh...Ben i am so sorry!" Lily threw herself into his arms and he held her close, resting his chin on her head, and hot tears falling from his face and dripping onto her.
"He's going to be ok Ben. I know he is. Chad's just like you. He's a fighter. He's strong."
"I...i dont know Lily. This time...this time might be..."
"No! Dont you say that Ben! He's going to make it! He's going to be fine! He has to be!"
Ben didn't reply, instead he started shaking.
"He's going to be ok." Lily said quietly, rubbing his back soothingly. "He's going to be ok."
There they stood for the longest time. Then Ben pulled away and whiped his tears away.
"I have to go. They will be waiting for me."
"It will be ok." Lily said nodding, looking into his eyes and forcing herself not to cry. She sqeezed his hands. "Send him my love. And let him know that he has yet to beat me a game at nintendo. And that when he gets back lets see if he can. Tell him that ok?"
Ben tried to speak but his voice croaked and instead he nodded his head.
"Oh god Ben, its going to be ok." Lily hugged him close again and kissed him on the cheek. "Its going to be ok. He has to be ok." She hugged him tight one last time. Then he turned and left. And in minutes he was gone.
Lily whiped the silent tears from her face and went back in her room closing the door behind her.
Right away she thought of Anna.
She sat infront of her computer, logged on, and sighed. Anna was online.
She immiediatly said "Hey" and told her everything about Ben.
Anna replied exactly the way Lily had known she would. After ranting about how terrible it was and how unfair it was she said how much she hated herself for being in Mexico with her family on vaction. Lily cut her off and told her how it was not her fault and how there was nothing she could of done but just to pray and have faith and let Ben know she was there for him. Then Anna had to go but she said she would write Ben a letter the moment she got a chance and that she would talk to her later.
Lily logged off and sighed. She needed some definite cheering up.
At the sound of the front door opening and a famiar voice yelling "Hey y'all!" her prayers were answered. Mark was home!
She tore out of her room and met Al in the hallway. She raced him down the staircase and she reached Mark first. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tight.
"Hey sis! Holy hell! Look at how different you look!" Mark laughed, spinning her around off her feet.
"I missed you so much!" Lily cried as he set her back to her feet and hugged Al.
"I missed you too! I missed all y'all!" Mark grinned.
"But i see you didn't miss picking up a Texan accent at that college of yours!"
"Hey Mom!" Mark chuckled, picking her up off her feet as well and spinning her around. "Where's Dad?" He looked around.
"Away on business again, he'll be back in a few weeks for the trip." Their Mom explained.
"Trip?" Mark asked.
"Come on into the kitchen and i will explain and we can get caught up on you." Their Mom took him by the arm and led him into the kitchen. Al smiled back at Lily and headed on in after them. But for some reason Lily was angered. She didn't want to go in after them. They could hog him all they wanted, who cared?
She turned with tears burning in her eyes and ran back up the staircase, wishing Mark had never arrived at all.

Oasis Writer · 02-10-2006, 05:33 PM

Hey Terra, reading through this story, I tried to grab every little error for ya. Nothing big at all, if you look down, the ones I saw are in red. Other than those, I liked the start so far. For a rough draft, I can see this evolving into a good story. Very impressive. I like it. Good work and keep it up. Hope to see more. Love ya, laters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by writerprincess15

"Lillian!"
"Huh?"
"LILLIAN!"
"I SAID HUH! GEEZ!"
"Well come downstairs will you? And don’t give me that attitude!"
Seventeen year old Lily Parker sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Lillian......"
"I'm COMING!" Lily snapped, "God!" She mumbled under her breath. She said an "i g2g" to her best friend Anna on her computer and logged off. Then she pulled her long wavy sandy brown hair into a pony and jogged from her room to her spiral staircase and down into the kitchen where her Mom was starting supper.
"Yeah Mom? What did you want?" Lily asked, sitting down at the counter behind her Mom and helping herself to an apple from the fruit basket on the table.
"Now sis, don’t spoil supper!"
Just as Lily was about to take a bite her 15 year old brother Alex snatched it away from her and ran out of the room.
"AL! Ughhhhh!" Lily moved to go after him but her Mom turned to her and said, "For goodness sake Lillian just let your brother go, he was at basketball practice all day. He needs that more then you do."
"Oh so now you are saying i am fat?"
"Lillian, can we spare the drama right now? All I am saying is that if you would just get more involved with after school activities maybe you could make some friends...."
"I have friends! I like my friends! We have been through this a million times! There is nothing wrong with my friends! Just because I am not the popular cheerleader bitch you were in high school doesn't mean I am not a good person..."
"Lillian!"
"What?"
The two women glared at each other.
"Did you call me down for a reason or just to make me feel bad again?" Lily said.
"Watch your attitude! I have had enough of your snippiness! And as a matter of fact yes, I do have a reason. I just got off the phone with Sherry and Robert and they invited us to spend a few weeks with them at their cabin on Johnson Lake!"
Immediately Lily groaned. "Do we have to?"
"Of course we do! We are going on June 8th, and are staying for a couple of weeks."
"June 8th? But Mom, that’s when school ends! I don’t want to spend the first part of my summer with those people!"
"Those people happen to be our friends...."
"No Mom! Not our friends! Your friends! Just because you and Sherry grew up in school together doesn't mean her sons and I are friends!"
"Oh I really don’t see why not! Alex and Mark have no problem with....."
"Yeah well that’s because Alex and Mark are popular and are in sports! I could care less about all of that!"
"Lillian....."
"Do I have to go?"
"Yes you have to go! And stop being so ungrateful! This is a very generous offer! Do you know what most people would have to pay to go on a vacation like that? And we are going along for free! Most people....."
"I could really care less about 'most people'. Can’t I just stay home? I am old enough!"
"Now that’s enough. You are going and that’s final. Now go upstairs and finish your homework."
"It’s done..."
"Then clean your room."
"It’s clean..."
"Lillian stop being smart with me and just go up until supper is ready."
"Whatever..." Lily rolled her eyes and stomped up the stairs to her room. She went in, slammed the door behind her, and plopped down on her bed. Then she threw a pillow over her face and screamed into it. As she rolled over onto her side and stared at the wall she was absolutely fuming with anger. Why in gods name did she have to go along? Her mother knew very well how much she hated Tyeler! Just because his mom and her mom were best friends didn't mean he and her were. Far from it! They were complete opposites and Lily detested Tye with her whole heart! Why was that so hard for her mother to get? Ughhhh! She hated this! An entire two weeks with the most popular most idiotic selfish boy in the school? Why didn't her mother just shoot her! It would be less painful! As for the younger brother Ryeland, well he was ok. He was 12 and he was alright, last time she'd talked to him at least. But he was getting older, so it was only inevitable that he would soon morph into a asshole soon. It was in his blood. He was bound to end up like his brother.
"Ughhhh!" She rolled over to her other side and looked at her clock on her computer. 6:57 pm. She groaned again. Mark wouldn't be home until 8. And she wanted to talk to him. He was the only one who actually understood her. He was 19 and was coming up from college early, seeing as summer break was in a week. He had always been popular. But he got her. He took the time to listen to her. No matter what. And he wouldn't be home for another hour.
Clunk!
Lily jumped and sat up. What was that? She could have sworn she'd heard something.
Clunk!
She jerked her head to her window, and knew at once someone had to be throwing a rock at it.
She spun her legs over her head and did a summersault over her bed and walked to her window. She opened it and walked onto the balcony. Then she looked down and saw....
"Ben!" Her face lit up when she saw her eighteen year old best guy friend. He smiled back up at her and dropped the rocks. But right away Lily knew that something was wrong.
"What’s wrong?" She called down.
He climbed up the side of her house and onto her balcony. He had tears in his eyes!
"Ben! What is it?"
"L...Lily." He stuttered out. "We're leaving."
"What?" Lily looked puzzled as Ben took her hands.
"We're leaving now. Chad is really sick. They don’t think he's going to make it. And so we are all flying out to the cities where the best doctors are. We may not be back for weeks. I just had to come by and say bye. Because we are leaving now and they won’t let me call you. Because...well you know how our parents don’t get along."
"Oh my gosh...Ben I am so sorry!" Lily threw herself into his arms and he held her close, resting his chin on her head, and hot tears falling from his face and dripping onto her.
"He's going to be ok Ben. I know he is. Chad's just like you. He's a fighter. He's strong."
"I...I don’t know Lily. This time...this time might be..."
"No! Don’t you say that Ben! He's going to make it! He's going to be fine! He has to be!"
Ben didn't reply, instead he started shaking.
"He's going to be ok." Lily said quietly, rubbing his back soothingly. "He's going to be ok."
There they stood for the longest time. Then Ben pulled away and whipped his tears away.
"I have to go. They will be waiting for me."
"It will be ok." Lily said nodding, looking into his eyes and forcing herself not to cry. She squeezed his hands. "Send him my love. And let him know that he has yet to beat me a game at Nintendo. And that when he gets back lets see if he can. Tell him that ok?"
Ben tried to speak but his voice croaked and instead he nodded his head.
"Oh god Ben, it’s going to be ok." Lily hugged him close again and kissed him on the cheek. "It’s going to be ok. He has to be ok." She hugged him tight one last time. Then he turned and left. And in minutes he was gone.
Lily whipped the silent tears from her face and went back in her room closing the door behind her.
Right away she thought of Anna.
She sat in front of her computer, logged on, and sighed. Anna was online.
She immediately said "Hey" and told her everything about Ben.
Anna replied exactly the way Lily had known she would. After ranting about how terrible it was and how unfair it was she said how much she hated herself for being in Mexico with her family on vacation. Lily cut her off and told her how it was not her fault and how there was nothing she could of done but just to pray and have faith and let Ben know she was there for him. Then Anna had to go but she said she would write Ben a letter the moment she got a chance and that she would talk to her later.
Lily logged off and sighed. She needed some definite cheering up.
At the sound of the front door opening and a familiar voice yelling "Hey y'all!" her prayers were answered. Mark was home!
She tore out of her room and met Al in the hallway. She raced him down the staircase and she reached Mark first. She jumped into his arms and hugged him tight.
"Hey sis! Holy hell! Look at how different you look!" Mark laughed, spinning her around off her feet.
"I missed you so much!" Lily cried as he set her back to her feet and hugged Al.
"I missed you too! I missed all y'all!" Mark grinned.
"But I see you didn't miss picking up a Texan accent at that college of yours!"
"Hey Mom!" Mark chuckled, picking her up off her feet as well and spinning her around. "Where's Dad?" He looked around.
"Away on business again, he'll be back in a few weeks for the trip." Their Mom explained.
"Trip?" Mark asked.
"Come on into the kitchen and I will explain and we can get caught up on you." Their Mom took him by the arm and led him into the kitchen. Al smiled back at Lily and headed on in after them. But for some reason Lily was angered. She didn't want to go in after them. They could hog him all they wanted, who cared?
She turned with tears burning in her eyes and ran back up the staircase, wishing Mark had never arrived at all.

writerprincess15 · 02-11-2006, 12:44 PM

well thanks for the comments. and hey! rough copy! hello!!!!!!! that means i KNOW it has errors in it! durrrrrrrrr, i was just posting it to see if i should post more of it, durrrrr. lol
jk, you know i still love ya! lol
thanks for the comments! i will be posting more stuff later. c ya!
love always
Terra-Ann

Oasis Writer · 02-11-2006, 04:09 PM

lol - I know. Well, lets see some more sometime soon.

Emmett89 · 02-12-2006, 11:30 AM

Well, I just kind of skimmed through it, but it was confusing when you called one brother named Alex, "AL" and then later the other brother came home, and his name was Al.

Black Riven · 02-12-2006, 02:24 PM

I'm not sure what kind of feedback you want after all that 'rough draft' talk, so I'll just give you a general impression. I think that for the kind of teen drama you obviously were aiming at you did a good job.

I can't point out something was particularly good for me because that's just not my type of fiction, but looking at it from a completely analytical point of view it was well written (except for the language problems Oasis pointed out), and I think you should continue it.

Just a point to consider though: What you wrote- the dialogue, the monologue, the descriptions- is an obvious product of your pop culture, and I assume that's a reflection of who you are, and you write what you know, which is legitimate, but none of it seems to have any of your personal touch. My advise is to once in a while change one of the typical lines like "she threw a pillow over her face and screamed into it" or "Why didn't her mother just shoot her?!", to one of your own variations. Then it'll look alot more like Your story.

writerprincess15 · 02-16-2006, 09:05 PM

Emmett89, thanks so much for commenting. and oh gosh i only just realized that when i read back through it. When it said that she hugged her brother i mean to say Mark, not all. Sorry about that! Thanks again so much for the comment!

Black Riven, thank you very very very much for your comment and advice. I always appreciate all advice given. And you are completely right. All advice helps and as i am rewriting this you have helped me alot. Thanks so very much for the advice. I really do appreciate it!

As for anyone who may be looking at this, i dont know if ia m going to post anymore to this story. Its not like my novel series i am working on. This was just something i was writing on the side to not get bored with my other story. Do you guys get what i mean? I must have hundreds of these and only maybe three make it and are saved from being thrown away. lol. So for right now this story is kind of being pushed aside. I may someday add more to this. But for right now i dont think i will. Soon i may be posting another story though. Another one of my side jobs.
so n e ways, sorry to ramlbe on. Thanks again to all for your comments and advice. its always welcome and always appreciated.
Love always,
Terra-Ann

Oasis Writer · 02-16-2006, 09:58 PM

Well, we look forward to more side-storys. Post away!

Kat · 02-16-2006, 10:20 PM

The mother's comments didn't make much sense, they jumped around a lot. More like what a teenager would hear than what an actual mom would say.

Like this
"Lillian, can we spare the drama right now? All i am saying is that if you would just get more involved with after school activities maybe you could make some friends...."

Where did that come from, there was no logical transition to her friends from the apple. Maybe something about him working hard at sports and then the you should be more involved talk.