Thread: Angels of Aurora IV: Blossom (Ch.3)

Going in for publication.

Hey Oasis Writer. I just read your story from the first chapter to this one. You seem to have a nice idea and you lay it out in an interesting way, but your writing really needs an improvement. Your problem is that you don't vary your sentences, and the entire flow is very stiff.

Let me show you what I mean:

The sun arose across the horizon from the east. The sun beamed into the window of a small house. The beams of light went directly in the sleeping eyes of a seventeen-year-old girl. The girl shrieked at the light and flung her pillow over her head. Moments later, a woman walked into the room and walked up to the bed. She was about five foot four with a figure of a model. She had black hair and hazel eyes. She was fully dressed for the day in a pair of jeans, a black shirt, and a hooded sweater.

She lowered her head, opened her mouth, and screamed at the top of her lungs. That was all it took to wake up the girl fully. She flung out of her bed and hit the ground with a crash. The girl groaned.

“What was that for?” said the girl. She stood up and rubbed her back and then her head. “You know, I probable would have got up myself.”

The lady glanced at her with a sarcastic remark and said, “Oh, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. When have you ever got up on a work day by yourself?” The lady grabbed the pillow off the bed and swung it at her head. “You’re like a big baby, except for the diapers, thank God. Steven and I have to pamper you and feed you and practicallydo everything else for you.” She threw the pillow on the bed and began to walk out of the room.

Jordan looked at her and rolled her eyes. “Yeah right, Emma, like I ever get pampered.” Emma walked out of the room and Jordan then raised her voice so she could be heard. “Cause, if I were, I wouldn’t be working!”

She walked to her closet and grabbed a shirt with a nametag on the front, a blue pair of jeans, socks, and her favorite pair of shoes, panties, a bra, and a towel. She walked to her bathroom and took a shower. She had to hurry because she was going to be late to work. She got out and looked in the mirror. She brushed her teeth and her hair. She got dressed and hurried out of her room.

She went into the kitchen and grabbed all the food she could stomach and shoved it in her mouth as if it were a garbage can. She walked out of the house and strolled down the brick sidewalk to a mart. She walked in and bought a water bottle. She ran out of the mart and ran down the block, one block, two blocks, and then three blocks. She ran to the end of the third block and took a hard left. The path went straight into the forest.

She ran down the path as it curved and swerved around the trees and the creeks. She got to the end of the path and was now directly in front of a great building. The entrance was still a good three hundred yards away and she was already a half an hour late. She sighed and started to run to the entrance.

She got there and was greeted by a young male with black hair. He was about six foot two inches and was wearing a black overcoat. He had black fatigues and a white tank top on. He had an earring in his right ear. From the front of him, you could tell that he was very strong because he wore a tight tank top to show off his build. The man began to speak.

“Well, that’s a new record, Jordan. Only forty five minutes late.” He sighed and looked at her. “You got to be here on time or I can’t have you here at all.”

Jordan looked up at him and in a soft voice said, “I know Matt. I'm running behind today, really.”

Matt looked at her and could tell obviously that she was lying but kept up with the act. “Well, okay. But try and be here sooner.” He turned around and walked into the building.

She looked at the sign on the door and in her mind, thought, “Aw, the Coliseum, the best place to work, the only entertainment here, the great paychecks, and because the most gullible guy on Fedevir is my boss.”

She walked in and got behind her counter in the right hand corner. She took her seat and just gazed off into her own world. She figured that being a secretary was a snap. Sit all day for money; the perfect job in her opinion.

The room that she was in was not much bigger then her room, which, Steven always said every time he was in her room, ‘Takes up half the house!’ but Jordan didn’t think so at all.

In the corners were plants and on the floor in the center was Matt’s sign, a scorpion, surrounded by swords and shields.

On the opposite side of the huge door entrance was an even bigger set of doors that were made of pure gold and silver. A sign on the left of it says, “If you’re signed in and ready, you first test is to open these doors.” Cauldrons lighted the room with fire in the center of them.

Soon it was mid-day and only two people came in so far. One was a muscular man with a big bushy beard and a skinny, tall kid with swords and shields dragging behind him.

They signed in and entered to challenge in the “Fight of the Champions.”

The tall kid handed the man his sword and shield and he took on nine fiends of great power. It was a fight but the man won. The man came to his last match and had to fight Matt. The muscular man underestimated Matt, because the man lost in less than two minutes. The man and the kid left with some reward money and after that, no one else came. Around five o’clock, Matt walked up to the counter as Jordan was reading her magazine that she always stashed under the counter.

Jordan looked up over her magazine, closed it and set it down. She began to say, “It’s only one day. We’ll do better tomorrow, so cheer up!”

He looked at the entrance and then at her and said, “It’s only another day of about thirty days. It’s been like this all month and if it keeps up like this, we’re out of business.” He sighed and put his fist under his chin. Jordan could tell that he was trying to think. Matt sprang up and said, “I know! We need a gimmick, a special event, a scam that will bring in customers.”

“Yeah,” Jordan said as she looked at him, “but what?”

Matt looked at her and then said, “I don’t know. But I know who will.” He walked a few steps in front of the counter and then flung around with his fingers pointing at Jordan.

She looked at him and then remarked, “What? Me? I have to find a stratagem. But why me?”

He looked at her and said, “Simple, I’m telling you to. So you find a gimmick in two days and set it up. You know,” he hand gestured putting up advertisements and telling people, “do the advertising, tell people, get the construction done, all that!”

Her face went completely blank and than, without warning, screamed, “WHAT!”

He flinched and said again, “You get it done and it works and you might even get a raise.” He started to walk to the entrance, turned, and said, “And if you don’t, you’re fired.” He walked out and her expression on her face had turned from blank to furious.

She closed up the Coliseum about an hour later and began to walk home. She was still furious and the fury and rage made here not pay attention to her surroundings because she tripped on everything and walked into anything, which enraged her even further. She got to the village and by that time was just a walking killing machine. All the people of the village were staying out of her way and the animals were whining when she got close.

She finally got to her house and was so furious that she could have broken the door off the hinges. She walked right to her room and flopped right onto her bed. She reached for her pillow and on accident, jammed her finger right into the bedpost, which didn’t help with her mood.

She snatched the pillow and brought it to her face and, without caring if the windows cracked or the screech killed anyone, just screamed into her pillow. It was very loud. It was so loud that it was like an opera singer singing at the top of her lungs. The screaming was so loud that it could burst the eardrums of the village folk if they were anywhere close to her house. Jordan screamed and screamed until she past out. She woke up to go to the bathroom once, but after that, she slept until the next morning.
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I have to tell you that this declarative kind of narrative is enough to drive the reader crazy. I felt that it really ruined the action sequence in the first chapter because it made me feel like I'm not really there, but am being told what happens somewhere else.

Another problem is that for some reason you give every description and action its own sentance.

"She got up. She went to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth. She returned to the room and began to dress."

There's no need for that, it makes your flow very stecatto, abrupt. A much better variation is:
"She got up and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and after a few minutes returned to the room and began to dress."

You also have various spelling mistakes (Personally I think spelling is the last of the author's problems, because narrative, belivable characters, flow, and the rest of the bundle is a lot more important, but I'm mentioning it anyway so that you'll know), and some bad sentances, like:

"Matt looked at her and could tell obviously that she was lying but kept up with the act."

It should be "obviously knew that she was lying" or "could easily tell that she was lying".

I think your story could turn up to be a very interesting one, but you really should work on your writing technique.

no offence, but you use "She" too much.

Originally Posted by Oasis Writer

Jordan screamed and screamed until she past out.

The only thing i foung wrong with this is very minor. You spelled "passed" "past." Other than that, it's really good, and i like it.

Ah, the real story begins...

The sun arose across the horizon, slowly blossoming the newborn day from the eastern sky. The beams of ultraviolet rays quickly started to cover the small island of Fedevir

This seems a bit of a contradiction... but I like this as an intro, it paints a nice picture.

From the living room of the house, another young woman of the age of twenty-five stood from her comfortable chair, setting her daily paper on the wooden stand next the seat, then quickly walking down the hallway into the teenagers room.

I think you need this to be stood up from, otherwise she's standing in the chair or something equally odd. And *technically* you need an "and" before the then... I say technically because I know I do this all the time so ignore me if you want, I ignore my own advice on that one sometimes. Should be teenager's instead of teenagers.

she peaked in to see if the teenager was awake.

should be peeked (peaked is as in a mountain peak)

The figure flung out of her bed opposite of the screamer, hitting the wooden ground with a crash.

Maybe say "floor" here? Especially since you use ground in the next sentence.

The lady glanced at her with a sarcastic remark. The woman was about five foot, four with a figure of a model.

A sarcastic remark? that implies she said something–what about a sarcastic smirk, or something like that? No comma on the second bold, but there might be hyphens? I'm not sure on that.

light of that room

not sure why "that" is here, I think it should be "the"

, trying to think of a witting comeback as fast as she could but none came to her.

Did you mean witty?... and I think a comma between "could" and "but" would make things a bit more readable.

The girl hurried into the kitchen, grabbing all the food from the refrigerator that she could stomach and shoved it into her mouth as if it were a garbage can.

Either grabbed and shoved or grabbing and shoving

Jordan’s faced turned blush red, placing her hand on her face as she thought rapidly of excuses.

face and... I think the "placing" should be "and she placed", because otherwise the subject is still her face and that means her face is placing her hand on her face... sorry if that made absolutely no sense...

“I know,” she said in the saddest, pathetic voice she could, clasping her hands together on her lap and looking down at the ground.

saddest, most pathetic voice she could

He had a soft spot in his heart for girls, always had, always will.

should be always would

By mid-day, only two people had came in so far.

I'd take out the "so far" as it sounds too much like you're talking in present, and "came" should be "come".

older man's not older mans'

She had the usually routine down

I think you mean she had the usual routine down?

Nice story that continues to be intriguing, although the tone has cetainly changed since the earlier chapters. One thing I'd like, personally, is for there to be (at some point, not necessarily now) some explanation of where the "village" is. You refer to people as teenagers, etc., so is this just some normal little village off in the middle of nowhere in modern times? Just curious. If it gives the story away, don't tell me.

this was very long, so i got about 90% of it. the other part, i didn't quiet catch. lot of big words, which is good, but i don't understand them. and a lot of information and no action. NEEDS MORE ACTION! good other wise. TIME FOR....WHATEVER NUMBER IS NEXT!

Her shower was rushed, not having enough time to brush her long, silky blonde hair, which she hated to admit, was going to dry in a mess. She hated it, but she had no time to spend on her hair, which to her was a bullet through her pride. Jordan loved her hair.

Maybe a different word?

The girl hurried into the kitchen, grabbing all the food from the refrigerator that she could stomach and shoving it into her mouth as if it were a garbage can.

I would omit the last part. It doesn't need to be there.

She quickly turned from her house and ran up the brick sidewalk three blocks before turning off onto a path that led into the forest that surrounded the town. Jordan ran down the path as it curved and swerved around the trees and the creeks, the foliage green and vibrant in the cool spring day. Jordan wished so badly to stop and admire the scenery, but she was already late for work by about forty minutes and couldn’t risk being any later.

Maybe write it like this: Turning from her house, she ran up a brick sidewalk for three blocks before turning onto a path leading into a forest surrounding the town. Continuing down a path that curved around trees and creeks. Jordan wished to stop and admire the green and vibrant foliage on the cool spring morning, but she was over forty minutes late couldn't take the risk of arriving later.

She smiled as she sneaked her way to her behind her counter in the right hand corner of the room.

Hmmm....I'm not so sure bout' this one.

I don't see any other things that couldn't be fixed without a little more proofreading.

Seriously though.....you have got an outstanding imagination and phenomenal story line going here. Just needs to be trimmed up a bit before it's ready to be published, and I do see it as publishable.....but I'm not an expert in this field.

Hey, I'm here, like three years later. Sorry it took me so long...

Let me do my thing...

The sun arose across the horizon, slowly blossoming the newborn day from the eastern sky.

This wording doesn't seem to work, you might try revising it. Maybe something like, "The newborn day blossomed.." or something like that.

...wooden stand next the seat...

Needs a "to" after "next"...

This wouldn't be my normal review without pointing out a little repetition

The teenager wearisomely turned over, her moans gaining volume as she pulled her pillow over her head.

From the living room of the house, another young woman of the age of twenty-five stood up from her comfortable chair, setting her daily paper on the wooden stand next the seat, and then quickly walking down the hallway into the teenager's room.

As she silently opened the white, wooden door, she peeked in to see if the teenager was awake. To her not-so-surprise, she wasn’t. The woman smiled as she lingeringly tiptoed her way to the side of the bed. She lowered her head, making her mouth even with the teenager’s ears, and then, unexpectedly, screamed at the top of her lungs.

That was all it took to wake up the girl fully. The figure flung out of her bed opposite of the screamer, hitting the wooden floor with a crash. The teenager groaned as she tiredly lifted herself from the ground, rubbing the side of her head that the older woman had yelled at.

“What was that for?” the teenager snapped, rubbing her eyes to the extreme light, “you know, Emma. I probably would have gotten up myself.”

Maybe throw some names into the mix...

...Jordan through out the best she could...

Should be "threw", that "through" is if you walk "through" the door.

On the opposite side of the huge door entrance...

I think you might want to get rid of one of these, it seems redundant.

A sign on the left of it says...

Should be "said"...

Matt said as stern as he could before walking back out from the door he entered from on the second floor.

I'm pretty sure you could get rid of the first "from", otherwise the sentence sounds strange...

Okay, your writing is smooth, as I've said before and interesting to read. This story is just so zany...It's an interesting mix of fantasy with a splash of modern to it.

You did a nice job of bringing out the characters a little and I must say I was laughing at the end of that argument. lol.