Thread: Angels of Aurora IV: Blossom (Ch.3)

Hey Smaointe, thank you very much for reading through my story. I really appreciate it a lot. It means a lot to me. Thank you for your kind words.

I agree that there's way too much repitition at the beginning of sentences. Try to think of different ways to say "She", or "Jordan". One way of doing that would be to connect all those short sentences into longer sentences, so you don't have to keep saying "She" over and over.

Another thing, I think there should be a better description of the coliseum. When you say great, how great? How big is it? As big as a pro football stadium? Or as big as a single A high school field? One thing that confused me is how can one man and one teenage employee run an entire coliseum? Or is he just one of many businesses that use it?

I also think there needs to be some indication as to what type of world this takes place in. Is this an alternate universe? Another planet? Or perhaps this book is a sequel to another novel where that was already explained?
I found the first two chapters to be much more exciting than this one, but, then again, that's what the first couple chapters are for, right?

All in all, I think you have a great style and great choice of words, especially in the second chapter. I like the choice of verbs, like "water flourishing against his feet". That's totally fresh. "Seaweed bending over to the will of the wickedness" rolls right off the tongue, too. Nice.

One thing that helps me to see if stuff comes out natural is to read it out loud to myself. Then it becomes much more apparent if I am using the same word too many times or using run on sentences.

And hey, what the *#@$! is a "sacrosanct" light? That's what I like to call an "asshole" word, because nobody knows what it means unless they are like, a droid or something. Or, an asshole with a doctorate English degree. Dude, admit it. You totally got that word from a thesaurus. Nothing wrong with using a thesaurus, but my personal style is to not use any words that a reasonably intelligent college student wouldn't know. But that's just me. I think it keeps the tone from sounding to "snobby" if you will.

The plot is intriguing, and I'm not really a big fantasy fan, but I'm really into angels and demon stuff. Dark Christian fiction is awesome. If you got this published, I'd definitely pay good money for a copy. I'm no expert, but I think you got a winner on your hands. And I totally envy your use of verbs. I'm straight-up jealous. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for the very imformative reply. I appreciate it a lot. I fixed a little of the she's and Jordan's. The rest will be fixed soon. I agree, this chapter was slower, but there's a method to my madness. Secondly, the indications of the world, and the arena, the world is described throughout the story, and has been described in early books. But, since I'm not releasing those to my knowledge, I'll give a run-down.

The world, is not of this world. There are three continents, Milvalro, -blank-, and -blank-. I'm not giving out all of my little secrets. Milvalro has been said. Fedevir, and Yeqeous are small islands off the coast. Very small, very rural. That's why only two people can support an arena. The area is self-sustaining and more leaned back, more old-timish with new stuff. With the population being small, it's not hard to get it going. Matt just had help to create it, which is said later on and so on.

Now, sacrosanct, I laughed at. That actually was the only word I did know that was a synonim (dang) of holy. Otherwise, I did have to use a thesorous. That's a writers tool. But sacrosanct is holy, encanted, so on. I read it in the bible somewhere. So, that word actually wasn't looked up by me, I did use others that were, but that just means holy. If you look at it. Evil Darkness, Holy Light. Symbolism.

Also, now, I should be sending this by PM, but I lack time right now, so I'll just point it out. I don't mind cussers. I have a very bad tongue myself, fairly bad, becuase before, my used to through F Bombs every other word, and so on, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't curse in my thread, unless pointing out my own obscenity for whatever reason. I merely ask that because there are younger people around that do read, and in the long run, I'd like to keep them from learning new words that will get them in trouble. And, I'd like to keep WF's as clean as possible, since I didn't put a disclaimer on the front of my story. I'd appreciate it, and thank you.

Again, thank you for all your help and I'm glad you liked it. And I'm very glad to see you really think it's publishable. Thank you.

Thank you for all the help Jelly. I appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

Thank you a lot Blackhawk for your help, I appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

Beware, biggest collection of nit-pickery... Ever:

The beams of ultraviolet rays quickly started to cover the small island of Fedevir,

Humans can't see ultraviolet

“What was that for?” she snapped, rubbing her eyes to the extreme light, “you know, Emma. I probably would have gotten up myself.”

"You" should be capitalized

She sighed as she grabbed all of her attire from the dresser,

Repetition, cut the 2nd "she"

She loathed it, but she had no time to spend on her locks,

Hehe

She quickly turned from her house and ran up the brick sidewalk three blocks before turning off onto a path that led into the forest that surrounded the town.

Stuff a comma in there or something, otherwise it's too heavy on the eyes.

rounded walls that were built to rise with stands in them and bright stadium lights that glowed above the field in the center.

Do lights "glow"? I'm not sure, but my first thought would be no...

greeting her with a frown was her boss.

"frown, was"

He was a young male with spiked jet black hair,

"yet"

with a big graying, bushy beard

I'm not sure about this, but shouldn't there be a comma after "big" too?

They signed in and entered to challenge in the “Fight of the Champions.”

The period should of course be behind the "Champions”".

that Matt had accumulated from the “Wall of Discord and Chaos.”

Same thing as above.

that she had started years ago, that she always stashed under the counter.

To avoid repetition, use "which" instead.

That and you’re my only employee.

A comma after "That".

saying, “And if you don’t, you’re fired.”

"saying: “And"

He then quickened his pace out of the lobby before she could object shutting the door

A comma behind "object"

Jordan snatched the pillow and brought it to her face and screamed into her pillow.

Repetition, replace the 2nd time with "it".

Also, in the previous chapters, I've stumbpled upon a few repetitions, especially in the start of the first chapter. I bet if you re-read it, you'll find what I mean. If you don't, just PM me and I'll point it out.

But I must say, your writing has an excellent flow, one of the best, it flies by for me.

About the story itself -- I enjoyed it really much. Everything is clear, and you even add an occasional joke. I can't actually say anything bad about it.

Thank you, Ruben, so much for your help. The only thing I still need to look at is the quotations around the Fight of the Champions, and The Wall of Discord and Chaos. Otherwise, thank you so much. I appreciate all your help.

Hey Ruban, since I couldn't figure out if the period went before or after the quotation mark, I decided to expand the sentences so they wouldn't have it there, but for future readers, or posters, if anyone does know the proper way to write that, will you please tell me. I'd appreciate it a lot.

Again, thank you all for reading and for the help. I really appreciate it.

(Hey, if you use times New Roman make the font a bit bigger. Its blinding me I have to quote it so read it.)

The beams of ultraviolet rays quickly started to cover the small island of Fedevir, the light soon entering a small house in the middle of the village. As the light illumined the [/b]small room,

I think it sounds fine here. But you used small twice in a row in describing both the house and its room. I'd change one of them. Not a big thing though.

As she silently opened the white, wooden door, she peeked in to see if the she was awake. To her not-so-surprise, she wasn’t. The woman smiled as she lingeringly tiptoed her way to the side of the bed. She lowered her head, making her mouth even with the teenager’s ears, and then, screamed at the top of her lungs.

WAY too much going on there with WAY too many feminine pronouns. Its becomes EXTREMLY confusing. Don't use "she" that many times. As you can see, the first sentence is very confusing. Also, using "not-so-surprise" is really weird. How about "Though not to her surprise, she wasn't", but then again I'd change the "she" to roommate or something because you use that way too many times. I don't know the exact relationship so that's your call.

The figure flung out of her bed opposite of the screamer,

"Figure" doesn't really fit here. This sentence is also a little confusing. But, I love the humor in this. Reminds me of my family.

The teenager groaned as she tiredly lifted herself from the ground, rubbing the side of her head that the older woman had yelled at.

I really hate describing people as a "teenager" especially so many times. It just bugs me for some reason, it doesn't seem natural or something to me. Maybe its just me.

The lady glanced at her with a sarcastic smirk. The woman was about five foot four with a thin, curved complexion.

Okay. I wouldn't refer to her as both "the lady" and "the woman" in two sentences about the same person. One of them can definately be used as "she", or just Emma since you've already introduced her.

Times New Roman]He grinned. Matt hated it when she did that to him, because it always worked.

You already put in the sentence before this that it always worked.

]Her face went completely blank. She had to do what? Without warning, Jordan was out of her seat and screamed, “WHAT?!”

I'd scrap the first line. The second one says the same thing basically.

Let's see... it is interesting. Threw me a bit off though. The last chapter said this place was underwater, yet there are streams and such here. Also wasn't this Jordan the same girl who spoke with the Aurora? She seemed like an angel or something last chapter, a divine being. Now she's working like a normal everyday person. I think I missed something so I'll go back and read the last chapter again. But I do like where this is going. Definately not as dark as the first chapter though. I'll check chapter two again then go on to the fourth.

Hey Kira, thanks a lot. Actually, I think you may have read awkwardly. The man does walk underwater, twice, but I made sure to say that he rises to the surface island. Jordan, is the five year old in the first two chapters, this takes place twelve years later. I should put end Chapter One or something last chapter. I don't know. I got most of all this done already, and got one more thing to go back and fix. Thank you a lot for your help, I appreciate it a lot. Thank you.

Sure, any time. That makes a lot more sense, I might have forgotten. But I love the story so keep it up. I'll be reading the next chapter a bit later than expected it seems. I'm at a friends and it would be rude to hog the computer, especially since I'm only using it while she is in the shower. But when I get to the library I'll be sure to read it.

Thanks Kira, I appreciate it a lot, and I'm glad you like it.