character1_Caitlin

I have edited and reposted a new page 1 with some changes futher down in thread.
Intro: I am brand new here but have read areas of the forum and now feel like I want to put myself out there for anyone interested in giving me some feedback and if they after reading page 1 honestly feel they would want to continue with page 2 ? I am not trying to write your typical romance novel and the style I have chosen is more of a flashback type going back and forth from present day to the past. I have the impression here that many are into more Sci Fi and Lord of the Ring type stories. I hope I am in the right kind of forum for what I am working on. I would say it is contemporary , hopefully women my age would relate to the story in a nostalgic kind of way, it is not meant to be heavy literature. Ok here goes, I feel like Lady Godiva however, naked.
Happy New Year
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Chapter 1 Title : Summer Never Ends

Caitlin was agitated, tomorrow was her 40th birthday and she was not sure if she is happy with paths taken in life. She loves her child, has a good husband, a decent job and is active in the community. These feelings are not new, they have plagued her mind through the years but this year was particularly hard because being 40 was the time when you really take stock of your life and think the biggest cliché, “Is this all there is?”.
Caitlin spends most of her day on the computer while at work, commutes to work on a bus which gives her a lot of time to ponder life in general. She went for a walk at lunch to clear her head thinking it would help with the nagging feelings that were taking over her thoughts.

That evening she started to pack her things to go meet with her girlfriends for her birthday celebration in her hometown. She was getting things out of her closet and she noticed her box of mementos, inside she has ribbons from swim team, baseball, a gold painted rock, letters from old friends and a few letters in particular from someone else. Opening the box, it all came flooding back, everything that she keeps buried in the recesses of her heart and mind. It has been 6 years since she last saw him but it was 25 years ago that the spell was cast....

.................................................. .....
June 1982

“Caitlin, you still awake”?
“Yes Mom, I will try to be more quiet”
“You have to be up in about 3 hours for the bus”
“I know, only a few more tapes to make”.

It was 3:00 a.m. and Caitlin had not been able to fall asleep, the night before going to camp had always been a night of restlessness. What made this night particularly difficult for Caitlin was that this year she was finally going as a Staff Member. She had waited for this summer for 2 years. Camp was her escape from the trouble at home and one person in particular she was thinking of would make this the best summer yet.

Caitlin was 16 years old, a quiet girl still unsure of herself. She tried her best in school but never managed to get the A’s that her father wanted her to. She feels invisible to the world even though her exterior self with honey blonde hair and slim figure ensure others do see her, she wonders if they really see her.

“Time to go”


Caitlin arrives for the bus and sees all the girls from last year. They sat together on the bus and shared their stories from school and home. All of them had their reasons why camp means so much to them.

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Thanks, the formatting of that line Time to go, is not bold on word where it was pasted from and I can't seem to remove it.
I am not Caitlin but she is close to me, I figure I am going to start with an area and a character that I can relate to.

Zan

Hey Caitlin! (or character_caitlin, not sure what you prefer?)

There are certainly more sci fi aimed posts on this particular forum, which is why I would love to read yours! Its nice to have a change in genre! I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice and just loved it. Starting to climb my "most favorite" list. So a romance is certainly something I would love to read!

Though I am no expert when it comes to writing, I will give you my thoughts and then you can do as you wish with them.

First and foremost, I enjoyed the story and characterization. What you have written isn't that long but I felt connected to Caitlin which is certainly good. I thought the flashback was nice as well, just make sure you don't overdue it in the entire piece.

One suggestion I have is analyze your sentences more. Are they worded the exact way you want them? Do they convey your thoughts accurately? Are they easy for the reader to interpret?

For example:

This tripped me up a little. I think the first sentence is good, just needs work on some of the articles. "She was not sure if she is happy." You went from past to present there. It might roll off better if it were something like:

Caitlin was agitated, tomorrow was her 40th birthday and she remained unhappy with the paths she had chosen in life.

Just a suggestion. You could even spice that up some.

I am also curious why you included the last three sentences of the chapter. I personally think you could add some more plot to this chapter, but those last three sentences seem to me, to be more of an opening than an ending. Ending the chapter at "Time to go" would be fine with me.

To sum it up: I would seriously consider relooking at word choice and displaing more emotion rather than telling it. You got me hooked, I want more! Why is Caitlin feeling this way? I really do like what you have! Just some suggestions to make something great a tad bit greater!

character1_Caitlin

Thank you Zan, I appreciate you taking the time to read it and offer your feedback. It is only page 1 of the chapter that is why there is not that much right now.
When you say not to over do the flasback , what do you mean by that ? I was thinking that the novel would be a combination of Caitlin in the present and at various times as the triggers come up she is brought back to the past and at a future point these 2 places collide and some serious choices have to made.
I am happy that someone I do not know in person said that they liked it though.

Zan

Flashbacks are certainly useful, however, if overdone they can come to hinder the reader. I am not one who would say, "no flashbacks" or "just three flashbacks in a novel". I am more open to the writer doing what they think best.

So, all I would have to say is, go for it. See where it takes you. Just keep in mind, that you don't bog down the reader with flashbacks, to the point where they aren't sure whats going on. But this is a general statement. Give it go. It could work out perfectly for I know. My comment was just a caution, thats all. Hope that helps.

character1_Caitlin

Thanks, I see what you mean. I purchased a book today for reference and getting a better handle on passive voice and active voice. I am going to be taking a creative writing course in the spring at the local college which I am looking forward to.

Back to my writing now. I try to spend at least 1 hour every day or every other day.

character1_Caitlin

Hi all, I have redone some on page 1. Basically starting over re-reading it outloud and tweaking until I feel good about the first page. I can be bad for , if the first page does not get me , I put it down and who knows when I will pick it back up if ever. This is only for books I want to read, things I should read I guess I would put more effort into.
Genre is Contemporary - general fiction with some romance being in there but I do not plan for it to be your standard romance novel. (Nothing wrong with those but just not what I am going for)

So is this better? Thanks

Chapter 1- Page 1 Working Title : Summer Never Ends (Will stay this unless
some current author beats me to it)

Caitlin was agitated, tomorrow is her 40th birthday and she remains unhappy with choices made in life. She loves her child, has a good husband, a decent job and is active in the community. These feelings are not new, they have plagued her mind through the years but this time it is particularly hard because being 40 is the when you really take stock of your life and think the biggest cliché, “Is this all there is?”.

Caitlin spends a good portion of her day using a computer, commutes into the city on the bus thus giving her ample opportunity to ponder life in general, this can be both good and bad depending on her mood. She takes a walk at lunch through the park, the leaves are a fiery explosion of red and yellow and the fallen ones rustle beneath her feet with each step. A chill comes in the air and she realizes it is time to head back to the office. None of the nagging thoughts has left her brain; they just seem to be stuck, going nowhere.

That evening she starts packing her bags to go meet with her girlfriends for her birthday celebration in her hometown. She was getting things out of the closet and she noticed her old Black Magic chocolate box filled with her precious mementos, inside she has ribbons from swim team, baseball, a gold painted rock, letters from old friends and a few letters in particular from someone else. Opening the box, it all came flooding back, everything that she keeps buried in the recesses of her heart and mind. It has been 6 years since she last saw him but it was 25 years ago that the spell was cast....

.................................................. .....
June 1982

Caitlin was 16 years old, a quiet girl still unsure of herself. She tried her best in school but never managed to get the A’s that her father wanted her to. She feels invisible to the world even though her exterior self with honey blonde hair and slim figure ensure others do see her, however she wonders if they really see her.

“Caitlin, you still awake”?
“Yes Mom, I will try to be more quiet”
“You have to be up in about 3 hours for the bus”
“I know, only one more tape to make”.

It was 3:00 a.m. and Caitlin lies wide awake, staring at the ceiling listening to the radio while taping her favourite songs. Bouncing one leg on the mattress and the other leg leans against the cold wall, this usually helps her fall asleep, except tonight. She is excited and anxious at the same time about her upcoming summer. She flips the tape over, continues with her collection, and tries again to rest. Camp is her escape from the troubles at home with her father and brother and the one person in particular she was thinking of will make this the best summer yet.


“Time to go”

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This is one MS word page, however on here it does not seem that much , I am using Times new roman, font size 12. My margins are the default.

Zan

Hey Caitlin!

Hope you don't mind me stopping in again and your wonderful story a glance over. Feel free to stop me anytime.

I noticed you made some good changes. Just some small suggestions:

This is a long sentence. Length isn't really something I go by as a factor, but, I feel like we can cut this one down, if not just a little.

I recommend omitting "but this time". Never seems to work. Maybe its just too conversational.

Maybe having something like:

These feelings are not new, they've plagued her mind for years, causing her to think the biggest cliche of all, "Is this all there is?"

or perhaps...

Her mind has been plagued with such feelings for years. And so forth...

Just suggestions... For all I know, your sentence works great, might just be me.

I feel like we can break this one down too:

Lot of information here. Which is good. Quick suggestion:

Much of her day is spent using the computer and commuting - often thoughts on life being the main focus - which have turned out to be both for the better or worse.

Just a quick suggestion. You could even break it up into more than sentence if you wanted to.

Besides a few personal suggestions, I think its coming along great!

character1_Caitlin

Thanks Zan,

I am currently editing and I think the word plague is to strong so I am redoing that section. Plague to me means that she is constantly dealing with the feelings , more like the creep up on her and take her by surprise periodically.

Anyways, I have read a lot on these forums, this is an excellent place. I have come to the rational conclusion that I am biting off more then I can chew. This will start off as a short story and if I can do more I will. I am taking a creative writing course in spring and hopefully that will help and who knows maybe a novel can grow from it. I am also re-visting my poems I wrote when I was a teenager-- wont say how many years but I am close to Caitlins age LOL

I always thought of myself as a creative person , real life sometimes gets in the way of that.

Thanks for your insights and I will continue to post when I get to certain points.

Watch for me in the poetry forum perhaps as well.

character1_Caitlin

I redid the first paragraph,. I am leaving the other versions if only to show myself the improvement, I think it has improved. The remaining is the same as previous posts.

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Chapter 1- Page 1 Working Title : Summer Never Ends (Will stay this unless
some current author beats me to it)

Caitlin was agitated, tomorrow is her 40th birthday and she remains unhappy with choices made in life. She loves her child, has a good husband, a decent job and is active in the community. “Oh what’s wrong with me”, “People say I have everything”, “I should be thankful.” These feelings are not new. They are more troublesome this time around because turning 40 is when you take stock of your life and think the most common of clichés, “Is this all there is?” “Oh I am going to be late” harried as usual she runs to catch the bus.

Caitlin spends a good portion of her day using a computer, commutes into the city on the bus thus giving her ample opportunity to ponder life, this can be both good and bad depending on her mood. She takes a walk at lunch through the park, the leaves are a fiery explosion of red and yellow and the fallen ones rustle beneath her feet with each step. A chill comes in the air and she realizes it is time to head back to the office. None of the nagging thoughts has left her brain; they just seem to be stuck, going nowhere.

That evening she starts packing her bags to go meet with her girlfriends for her birthday celebration in her hometown. She was getting things out of the closet and she noticed her old Black Magic chocolate box filled with her precious mementos, inside she has ribbons from swim team, baseball, a gold painted rock, letters from old friends and a few letters in particular from someone else. Opening the box, it all came flooding back, everything that she keeps buried in the recesses of her heart and mind. It has been 6 years since she last saw him but it was 25 years ago that the spell was cast....

.................................................. .....
June 1982

Caitlin was 16 years old, a quiet girl still unsure of herself. She tried her best in school but never managed to get the A’s that her father wanted her to. She feels invisible to the world even though her exterior self with honey blonde hair and slim figure ensure others do see her, however she wonders if they really see her.

“Caitlin, you still awake”?
“Yes Mom, I will try to be more quiet”
“You have to be up in about 3 hours for the bus”
“I know, only one more tape to make”.

It was 3:00 a.m. and Caitlin lies wide awake, staring at the ceiling listening to the radio while taping her favourite songs. Bouncing one leg on the mattress and the other leg leans against the cold wall, this usually helps her fall asleep, except tonight. She is excited and anxious at the same time about her upcoming summer. She flips the tape over, continues with her collection, and tries again to rest. Camp is her escape from the troubles at home with her father and brother and the one person in particular she was thinking of will make this the best summer yet.


“Time to go”