"All Is Fair" - Writers Forum

Yamato145 · 12-26-2005, 04:23 AM

This is the first chapter of a new story I just started on. I don't really know my goal length wise yet ... but it will probably end up at novella length.
During critique I would prefer if the focus is not so much on grammatical mistakes (I mean point them out, but as a side note) I need to know more about what you think of the style and the emotion swinging. I want to know if the Main Character actually 'seems' happier in the several happier paragraphs of the chapter. As well as predicitons of where the story is going. And most of all, I want to know if, after reading this, you would want to read more.

“All Is Fair”
A ‘love’ story by Matt “Yamato” Rozzel

Chapter 1: Innocent Hands Stained Red
“During the American Civil War many Americans were forced to fight and kill those they love, it was truly a real-life trajedy worthy of Shakespearean babblings,” Mr. Dorin said pointing at the notes he had written on the board. I sat at my desk spinning my pen around my index and middle fingers. I was staring out the window, focused on a bluebird on a nearby branch. Then my mind flickered and I stabbed the pen directly between the fingers of Chris, my fellow classmate, who apperantly found it a good moment to take my notes.
“Effing Christ Daeum, how do you do that … you got spider sense or something,”
I smiled, “ Hehehe … I guess … probably just luck,” then I frowned and turned my head back to the window and the bluebird. So peaceful …
When school let out I walked out of the classroom and just as I expected my cell phone immeadietly began ringing. My ringtone was the newest rap song. A perfectly normal ringtone for a perfectly normal High School Student. It beeped as I flipped it open and put it up to my ear. “Yeah Raize?”
The raspy voice on the other end told me an address and the description of a man. Then he added, “Can’t be messy tonight Daeum.”
“Gotcha,” I said hanging up.
I walked out of the school grimly. Until Maya came walking out from behind two nearby students. “Thomas,” she shouted at me. She was the only person whoever called me by my first name. Had I known my parents I bet even they had reffered to me by my last name. I smiled widely at her. The only person who, when I smile at them, it is real. She was the one ray of light in the dark life I lived. The one string keeping me binded to sanity. She was the only person on Earth I felt I could trust. I wanted to share everything with her … well … except for my job. My real job that is, not the job at the pet store “my uncle” owned. If she knew about it I would lose the one thing I cared about.
She ran up to me and hugged me, “How was your day,” she asked beaming.
“Oh, you know, same old boringness, well until you showed up, of course” I said. She laughed and punched me playfully in the side.
“Do you got to work tonight?”
It stung. More than anything you have ever felt. Lying to her. “Yeah … I got cleaning duty tonight.” Not a complete lie since that is the euphamism my employers use.
She frowned, “Ah … and I wanted to go hang out tonight.”
I put my arm around her and we walked towards the school grounds gate. “Hm, well you know … I don’t think I have a whole lot of cleaning to do tonight … and it is Friday. So how about I pick you up at midnight and we can go hang out.”
Her head practically leaped up, “REALLY!?”
I smiled, “Yeah sure. It’s a deal then. I will see you tonight at midnight,” I said as we neared her car.
She smiled and leaned up as I leaned down and we kissed. Then she got in her car and drove off.
I smiled for a bit but then I turned to head towards my car and my face turned to it’s usual stone form.
I walked to the black Rolls Royce, perhaps a bit flashy for a ‘perfectly normal’ High School Student. But hey, this is a rich school. So no one really notices. If I had taken Maya to my apartment she probably would though.
I drove along through the suburbs and into the inner city. I parked in front of a run down apartment building. Amazing how no one had stolen my car …
I got out and slammed the door. I didn’t bother locking it. I walked into the building and up to the top floor. Room 412. I walked in and threw my jacket on a recliner, probably the nicest thing in the apartment. Unless you’re a fan of chrome. Several taken-apart handguns were scattered across my dusty kitchen table. I walked over and looked at them all. My target tonight was a businessman. Not worthy of dying by my favorite gun. The one I kept in my pants at all times. Even at school. It was a black gun. Custom engraved. Truly beautiful.
I considered my options. He would probably have about 3, poorly trained, overly sized, and fairly dim-witted bodyguards. My revolver would be good enough. In fact it would be overkill. Then I remembered the address. Ah, it’s in the suburbs. Nevermind, my revolver doesn’t have a silencer. I picked up the pieces of my .45 and put them together. Guess I’ll have to go with the size 12 Times New Roman. I screwed the suppressor onto the end of the barrel and looked down the sight. Yeah, this would work.
I walked into my bedroom and set my alarm for 9 PM. Then I went to sleep.
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
I opened my eyes. It was 9. I got up and bathed. Then I put on some nice clothes. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the .45. I put my jacket on and walked outside as I placed the gun into my inner jacket pocket, which I had sown into a holster.
I got in my car and turned the keys, which I had left in the ignition. Two men sitting on the curb across the street whispered and pointed.
I drove back into the suburbs and pulled up to a huge overly lavish building (even for this particular neighborhood) and parked outside.
No cameras. Probably figures people would assume their existence. These idiots are always the easiest. I walked up to the gate and quietly peeked around. One bodyguard. I wondered if I should kill him. He may not be so bad. Then I remembered that Raize had wanted this to be a clean job. I climbed up the wall behind him and jumped down on him placing my foot firmly into the back of his neck, knocking him out.
I shot my head around checking for any others. Nope. This guy really was a moron. I haven’t seen a job this lax of security since my apprentice days.
I creaped to the house and made my way into the back door. Not even locked. If I was a paranoid guy I would say this is a setup. I glanced at my watch. Plenty of time, it was only 10:03.
I made my way through the halls, only running into one more bodygaurd. I assume he will have two personals. So that means four bodygaurds … I was off by one. I put him to sleep with a swift chop to the back of his neck. I snuck upstairs. These types always stay upstairs. I walked over to the biggest door in the hallway. I know he is in here … they always are. If there are two guys in here I’m NOT killing then I need a plan. I guess a run’n’gun is the only way to pull it off. I jumped a bit off the ground and forward, kicking the door in and landing on top of it. I quickly took in the two surprised men in suits and the one decidedly frightened one behind a desk. I quickly ran to the right bodyguard and punched him hard in the throat causing him to fall to the ground, then dashed at the other who was pulling out his gun. I grabbed his weapon arm and snapped it in two causing the bone to poke out. I kicked him to the ground and he whimpered in pain.
I turned and walked to directly in front of the middle of the desk where the terrified little man was staring at me mouthing words. I don’t know if he was just trying to understand or if he was praying. Although I doubt the latter, after all, he was one who worshipped money. I pulled my .45 out of my jacket and aimed it right between his eyes. The whispering fwip of the silencer drifted through my ears and I turned and walked from the room leaving one guard asleep and another with a snapped arm.
I walked out of the house and back to my car. I got in and I drove off.
I am not a murderer … I only kill evil men. At least that’s what I tell myself every night when I go to sleep.

Dresdor · 12-27-2005, 09:50 PM

Few things i noticed:

"worthy of Shakespearean babblings" which makes little sense. It's a conflicting terminology. The speaker seems to not like shakespeare, but he deems the civil war worthy of it?

The tone really doesn't work for me. It seems to be halfway between a personal narrative and a third-person onmiscent point of view. I feel like I'm being told a lot of stuff. I suggest either making it fully third person and more action based (shift into present tense) or make it a narrative from the main character's perspective (past tense, more thought and reflection).

Passive voice: get rid of it. I want to be in the action, not bogged down by "was" and "had"

Rework your transitions. A good story needs very few of these as the action keeps the pace for you.

He really likes her and all you have to say about it was "We kissed"?

"my favorite gun. The one I kept in my pants at all times." Sexual innuendo out the window, and is probably better off nixed or changed to "kept with me at all times"

Again, he loves this gun, and all you have to say is that it's black and custom engraved?

The action is horribly underdone, as are the descriptions in general. I don't feel attatched to any of these characters, no even the main one. None of them seem in the least bit real to me. And the action is worse.

My comments are pretty harsh, reading over them, but there's truth to them. This needs some major reworking. You seem to be focusing on this one really cool character that you know can do all this stuff, but I doubt you've thought as to who he is or why he does it.

Good luck reworking this, and I'll gladly give any advice I can.

Dresdor · 12-27-2005, 10:16 PM

To answer the questions specifically asked in your post:

I didn't see much in the way of emotion let alone emotion swinging.

The main character seems a little happier around the girl because we're more or less told that he is. Other than that, not really.

This story is going to probably follow one of two plot lines:
1) Big Bad Evil Guy has plan to take over the world, feels threatened by the main character, kidnaps girl and threatens to kill her if main character interferes. Main character saves the day, gets the girl, and lives happily ever after (or she dies, and he swears vengeance forever, or he looses her because of his job)
2) Main character finds out his company is the evil guys and he's been killing innocents, goes on a murder rampage to kill those responsible, girl gets kidnapped, main character saves the day somehow blah blah blah.

There's also the twist of the girl being a double agent, but yeah...'nuff said.

And no, I don't want to read anymore as is.

Yamato145 · 12-28-2005, 01:34 AM

Thank you Thank you,
I shall take all this to mind and get to work re doing this chapter before doing more. Also on the "we kissed" lines, do you have any suggestions ... I have never done a love story before (hence the reason my first is about an assassin -_-') and I need a little help on the language of this genre. As you are the one to have given me all this advice I will PM you when I put the revised version up. (Oh yeah, of all the things you said ... I would like to keep the Shakespeare line ... sorry, I just find it funny)
thanks again.
-YAMZ