The Forgotten Part 1 - Writers Forum

Dresdor · 12-25-2005, 06:32 PM

A little something I'm working on for a writing contest:

The Forgotten: Part 1
by: Marshall Todt

Flame raced up the thatched roof. “Jenny!” he coughed through the smoke filled room. A flaming rafter crashed down inches from his foot. Sweat poured down his face. “Jenny!” he yelled, hoarsely, and he lingered a moment before crashing through the door of the burning cottage.

He collapsed on the grass, gasping for breath, choking on smoke and ash. “Jenny…” he wheezed, “I hope…you got out.” A jolt of pain shot through his side, and he looked down at an arrow shaft protruding from his side.

“Got a live one here, Boss,” said a uniformed man on horseback. “Looks like not all of them will cook.” Flames shot up all along the village as house after house was torched by these mounted men.

“He looks like a bit of a scrapper,” a larger man rode up. “Maybe you can have a little fun with him, Cody.” A rusty sword was thrown at the wounded man’s feet. “Defend yourself, peasant.”

The first man smiled, and drew a cavalry saber. He kicked the wounded man, and pain rocketed up his side. He spat blood, but slowly crawled to his feet, sword ready.

“I will kill you in this life or the next,” the wounded man said solemnly. “To avenge my friends and my sister.” With swift brutality, he lunged forward, batted aside the cavalry sword and swiped at Cody. Cody, sidestepped, and ran him through from behind. He collapsed again, and felt his blood seeping from the deep wound. The world grew darker.

“You’d better hope for the next life, peasant, because you’re not long for this one.”

“Awake, servant, your master needs you,” the voice said.

His eyes darted open and he stood. “At once, my master.” He cursed himself silently, knowing that he should have heard his master’s heavy steps.

“Something bothering you, servant?” the master asked.

He remembered it all vividly a moment ago, but it was now lost to him.

“You were dreaming again, weren’t you?”

“That isn’t possible, master, I am a Forgotten One. We have no soul or aspiration but to serve our masters. We do not dream.”

“Indeed.” The old master said, leaning heavily on his staff. “But it is not uncommon to relive parts of your life, especially the moments before death.”

“I…relived…my death moments ago.” The servant said. “It was strange…to breathe and feel pain again, and I saw…” his gaze hardened. “I saw my murderer. His name is Cody, and he was with the mounted patrol that destroyed my home.”

“And he has been doing quite well for himself, servant. He is a Captain now,” the master said. “The fortunate news is that you will have your vengeance, I need you to recover a book that Captain Cody Brintrax has taken from a caravan headed this way. It is doubtful that he will part with it willingly.”

“I wasn’t about to ask for it, master,” the servant said menacingly. “As always I will do as you ask.”

“I almost have the secret, my servant,” the master said, “the secret that will bring you back among the living and your family as well. The evil of these men will be reversed and vengeance will be yours.”

Dephere · 12-28-2005, 02:15 AM

Well, I am a bit confused, but I am guessing that is meant to be the case, after all there wasn't too much written. That being said I am not completely sure how to critique this one. There are no obvious grammar flaws, or spelling mistakes, but you have presented your main characters motivations and main goal rather quickly.

I had no time to become attached to the character, let alone his cause. Perhaps you could delve further into the character before revealing exactly what he is suppossed to do...

Anyway, the idea of the Forgotten Ones intriques me; however, there is one thing I notticed.

Quote:

“I saw my murderer. His name is
Cody, and he was with the mounted patrol that destroyed my home.”

How does he know that he still IS Cody, I mean why does he think he is still alive. I guess it could just be because he has no reason to believe that Cody is dead, but I don't know how long ago that dream took place.

I am intriqued and will check out your future posts...

Dresdor · 12-28-2005, 02:21 AM

This is for a writing contest, and I am limited to 17,000 words so I have to get to the action quicker than I would otherwise. (indeed, I am 8 pages into the fifth horde without any real action yet). More of this coming up shortly, just need to type it and post.

Dephere · 12-28-2005, 02:22 AM

Okay, that makes the pace much more understandable.

Crazy_dude6662 · 01-21-2006, 02:00 PM

change the name, it sounds like the movie the forgotten. which took atention away from the story

01-21-2006, 04:19 PM

I really enjoyed this introduction and am looking forward to finding out what the secret is. You do a good job of drawing the reader in with action from the very beginning. The pacing didn't bother me for a short piece, but I would agree that a little more back story on the character (and his sister? his village?) should come eventually, so that we will understand and be supportive of his need for vengeance.

Your dialogue is strong and believable. Content wise, I don't have a lot to offer just yet, but I do have one or two edits if you will forgive my nit-picks. Specifically, you have interaction between two men and the perspective jumps back and forth between the two. So, in order to be just a bit more polished, you might want to insert identifiers for "he," so that the reader doesn't imagine that one person is falling or lunging, only to have to correct that image as the rest of the sentence is read. For instance,

Quote:

He kicked the wounded man, and pain rocketed up his side. He spat blood, but slowly crawled to his feet, sword ready.

I would change it to "pain rocketed up the man's side" That way, the immediately following "he" will be clear. Also,

Quote:

Cody, sidestepped, and ran him through from behind. He collapsed again, and felt his blood seeping from the deep wound.

The subject of the first sentence is Cody, so I think that Cody is the "He" in the next sentence but quickly realize that it wouldn't be Cody collapsing. Just change that "He" to "The man" or "The wounded man."

Obviously, these are very minor edits. It is very good over all. As far as the title, maybe The Forgotten One?