Dresdor

Part 2 coming up, I appreciate criticism.

The Fifth Horde (Part 2)
by Marshall Todt

The rag wiped the blade ceaselessly. With each stroke the faint sunlight glowed a little dimmer, and the colors of the sky darkened into the myriad of orange slowly fading to purple. Aggrig watched the sky, looking at the colors, and silently thanking the Holy Fire for such a display.

“If you keep sharpening and shining that weapon, there won’t be a blade left to hold an edge.”

“I know Bacra,” Aggrig said, starting at the sky. “Polishing can’t hurt it, especially with Warmaster Zril’s commands about blade cleaning and sharpness.”

“Those rules are true on the battlefield, hordling, and they will keep you alive in your Trial of the Hunt.”

“I wish I could take my Trial now. Once I’m considered a man I’ll have the freedom to choose what I do.”

“Free to choose to become the Chieftain’s champion perhaps.” Bacra laughed, and looked at the colors that fascinated his younger companion as they faded to black. “He won’t let you do much else, Aggrig. He realizes your potential and your respect for our ways and our honor. He was your father’s dearest friend.”

“At least champions get respect. I’m still a hordling, and because I’m a little smarter than the rest, and can actually remember the teachings of the High Priest and Warmaster, worms like Rarsh mutter behind my back.”

“Those people will always be around you, hordling. It seems incompetents manage to advance with those who actually deserve it. With a little experience, you will figure out how to deal with them.”

“Like smashing their faces into a wall?”

“That would feel good, certainly,” Bacra smiled, “but what I meant was that honor is its own reward. You’re honorable, and that’s what matters, not what others say about you or your honor.”

“You’ve been listening to Teller Crilla again, haven’t you?” Aggrig said. “I like the tale where she claims to have been a great warrior with the second horde, and died more honorably than any other, which is why she returned as a woman, proving females are the most honored.”

“Despite that tale,” Bacra chuckled, “she is still very wise and, like you, listens well.”

“Finally,” Aggrig said, as the last drip of sunlight slipped into darkness. “Now the lazy ones will wake and Warmaster will teach me a few things.”

“You’ve been up all day?” Bacra asked.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Aggrig replied. “So I came here to think.”

“About what?”

“Just a dream,” Aggrig trailed off.

“A dream’s keeping you awake?” Bacra asked. “Want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, Aggrig. I’m your mother’s, brother’s son...practically your denmate, and an omen reader as well. It’s my duty to help you.”

“So Urgon didn’t make you a fire-tender like you thought?”

“He said I had talent, so instead of tending the fires I stare at them looking for omens. Now tell me your dream, hordling.”

“Fine, you win Oh Mighty Reader of Omens,” Aggrig said with a false bow. “There’s not much to my dream, I doubt you’ll find anything.”

“That’s for the great Reader of Omens to say, Aggrig,” Bacra smiled. “Now tell the dream.”

“Enough, seer, or I’ll leave you guessing about my dream.” Aggrig said. “When I went to sleep, everything was dark. Then in my dream, the colors started to appear. First purple, then blue, then red and orange, and finally everything was bright and warm. Then everything was plunged into dark and cold, like being underwater in the lowest stream.”

“Interesting.” Bacra muttered. “Lots of meanings can be found in the play of light and dark.”

“There’s more.” Aggrig said. “When everything went dark and cold I felt like I was drifting, and I heard something. A sound like a thousand voices talking at once.”

“What did they say?” Bacra said, interested.

“I couldn’t make it out, they were all drowning each other out.”

“Sounds like a warning.” Bacra said. “There hasn’t been on reported to the priests in forty-five winters. If you figure out what the voices say, they will probably warn you against something or tell you to prevent something. You needn’t fear this dream, hordling, but if it returns try and listen to those voices.”

“Now you know why I’m sitting here thinking about it instead of sleeping,” Aggrig said. “Don’t tell anyone about this, I don’t need other hordlings thinking I’m crazy on top of being a know-it-all.”

“Only if you sleep and if the dream comes try to hear those voices, Aggrig.” Bacra said. “I know there’s something to this dream.”

“Don’t tell Urgon either, brother.” Aggrig said. “I don’t need to give him another reason to want me as his champion. If I’m a seer as well as a champion, every tribe will pay him homage, and call him blessed by the Great Fire.”

“You should speak to him about it, Aggrig, but I respect you enough to allow you to have that decision.”

“Thank you, brother.” Aggrig said. “Now I must go and see if this blade is sharp and shined enough for the Warmaster.”

Rough Ian

Everything seems to be coming along well but there is still more information than story. I know it's hard to consider another approach but that's all I can really suggest for now. Perhaps you could move these two pieces into the second chapter and make the first chapter about the death of Aggrig's father? Or maybe the plight of the Horde in general? A battle of some sort tends to get readers stuck on the pages.

I apologize if I press the point but I always look at things in terms of mass appeal.

Actually, maybe it would be best to press forward, finish the entire story, and then rework the beginning with a more complete knowledge. That would free you to continue without the hassle of finding a "hook" so early in your story's life. I'm used to reviewing complete manuscripts so that's why I suggested the change in the first place. I hereby amend my recommendation: you should just keep going and don't sweat the small stuff.

The only thing that nags at me is the use of the term "hordling." While I can understand the context, the term seems condescending and perhaps a little childish. Even when Bacra uses it to address Aggrig (and we can see they are friends) it seems as if he is almost insulting him with it. However, that could be a mere cultural difference that you may have to address sooner or later so that it doesn't nag the reader.

Other than that, good flow and interesting characters. Let's find out what happens to them.

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I apologize if my candor offends you. Please disregard my post if this is the case. Thank you.

Dresdor

The use of the term hordling is more a denotation of rank than anything else. No matter how old Aggrig gets, until he passes both trials of manhood he is still a hordling. I'll make a note to make that a little more apparent...actually I think I see a spot to work it in.

Part 3 is coming up soon, I just need to type it.