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Old 12-19-2005, 12:24 PM   #1
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Davie G. Porter is on a distinguished road
The Forgotten War - Chapter 3 Part 2

Hi everyone hope you enjoy.
“Of course we know about the mission!” snapped Rose. This made Dama jump, as Mrs. Rodgkins had not spoken for quite some time now. “It has been put off for so long now. This mission could save or destroy the world as we know it.” declared Rose, now speaking a lot quicker than usual. “We knew it was time when we saw the smoke from…”
“Ssshhh! Do you hear that?” interrupted Bill. All three of them stopped talking and listened.
“It sounds like marching!” exclaimed Dama.
“He’s right!” whispered Bill. “Everyone in the cellar immediately! Follow me Dama!” Bill then ran back into the dining room, crawled under the table and lifted up the moth eaten rug, which was underneath it. Mrs. Rodgkins then lit a lantern with one of the candles and proceeded to extinguish every single candle in the house. Underneath the rug was a round silver ring that opened a door, which led down into the cellar. Rose led her way down the ladder, with her lantern, into the cellar first. Dama followed her, and then finally by Bill, who made sure that the rug would cover the secret door as he closed it, made his way into the dark cellar.
They seemed to sit in the cellar for ages in silence until they heard it. Thud! Thud! Thud! Dama climbed up on the ladder and sat on the top step so he could hear everything going on above them.
“Anyone in there?” shouted a deep, croaky voice. Then there was a second set of thuds. “Open up now and we will make it a lot easier for you!” called the voice again. Everything seemed to fall into silence again for a second or two before being broken by a huge crash. The door had been broken down.
“Someone get some light in here! I can’t see a thing!” growled another voice.
“What’s that smell?” grunted another. At this point Rose had remembered the lamb she had cooked. This was proof that someone had been living there.
“Smells like meat,” said the first voice again. “Well look what we have here. And it’s still warm. Looks like someone is hiding here boys. Lets find the scum!” Dama then heard the smashing of plates, the crashing of chairs and tables being tipped over, cupboard doors being ripped off their hinges.
“Any luck?” the second voice growled.
“No! Looks like we’re going to have to smoke them out like all the others!”
The voices were now coming immediately above Dama and he could hear their heavy footsteps stamping as they walked around the dining room.
“Wait a second” the third voice came. “Well, well, well!”
Dama realised that they had found the secret door, so he dashed down the ladder stairs tripped and fell with a loud bang.
“They’re down here boys!” screamed one of them with a sound of satisfaction in his grotesque voice. The door was then ripped clean off his hinges just as Bill grabbed Dama from the floor and pulled him down behind a few barrels.
“Come out, come out, where ever you are” said one in a mock friendly playful voice that made them seem even scarier. “We know your in here! Just save us all the hassle and come out!”
As the three figures moved around the cellar trying to find them, Dama, Bill and Rose carefully and silently crept around the different barrels and crates to avoid being seen. Dama chanced a look at the three figures. They all had bodies like humans except they looked unnatural. All three had chewed up greasy hair, their teeth were all yellowed, their skin was grey and they had a white crust growing on the lower part of their face, where facial hair should be. The thing that fascinated Dama the most about these creatures were that they seemed to be very muscly however weren’t huge in fact they seemed skinny. Each wore torn dirty trousers and a belt, which had a long jagged sword in a black scabbard. They all wore nothing on their upper body, except that they had what looked like a tattoo of a face, burnt onto the left side of their chest. Two were carrying a torch of fire and the other who looked like the leader, as he was the biggest of the three had his sword drawn out.
Dama, Bill and Rose were now near to the ladder again and were hiding behind some crates full of tankards.
“I have an idea,” whispered Bill “on the count of three I will cause a diversion and you two must run up the ladder quickly and quietly. I will be close behind you. Okay?”
“What if…” blurted out Dama in a whisper.
“One!” said Bill, ignoring Dama.
“But if…” stuttered Dama.
“Two!” counted Bill, still ignoring Dama
“Bill, but…”
“Three!” at that moment Bill picked up a tankard and threw it into the corner knocking over a pile of cans. The three creatures made their way towards the cans hoping that they would find the three hideaways there, just as they darted up the ladder. Bill then grabbed anything in sight to try and block up the hole where the cellar door had once been.
“This will not hold off for long!” shouted Bill. “But first there is something I need to tell you!”
“What’s going on!” blurted out Dama as cold sweat was dripping down his forehead. “What are those things?”
“They are the fallocks! They are evil and dangerous. A dark lord has been gathering the stones of life for many years now. I believe that Oberduke told you of one, the Emerald of Eizendeal. There are six altogether, one for each race. One for the scrouts, one for the gnomes, one for the skrints, one for the humans, one for the fallocks and one for the sorcerors, which are believed to be almost extinct. If any of these stones are destroyed that respective race will be destroyed also. The fallocks are servants of the dark lord, they know he knows where the emerald is, and therefore they have been watching him for months. They knew he was waiting for a companion and once he found one he would begin his mission. This would allow them to follow him and he would lead them straight to the stone.”
“But why have they not just tortured him till he tells them? Why are they attacking everywhere?” asked Dama sounding frightened.
“You obviously don’t know Oberduke as well as they do. Scrunch is stubborn and clever. He would never tell any fallock where the stone is no matter how much they torture him. He also knows that it is in there interest to keep him alive. However now they know that he has a companion who also knows where the stone is. A companion who maybe isn’t as stubborn as it is not his race on the line. A companion who would possibly give in easily to torture. You Mr. Didley. You are what they are looking for. You are now a moving target Dama, and you must set off quickly. Only you and Scrunch have the opportunity to stop the dark lord from controlling every race and you mustn’t fail.”
As Bill was explaining this to him the banging from beneath them was getting louder and louder.
“You must leave now. Take my axe and my cloak. You are to go back to your house amd collect what you need for your journey. Don’t take too much and keep it light. Remain hidden, keep your hood up!” Bill blurted out quickly, handing him an axe and a hooded cloak.
“But what about them…the fallocks?”
“No more questions. We will take care of them. Now go! Run and…good luck!”
Dama didn’t need telling twice. He put his cloak on, put his hood up grabbed the axe and sprinted out of the door.
The night sky was now black and full with smoke. He ran through the farmer’s field just as he had done earlier. He must’ve been two hundred yards from the house when he heard two death curdling screams. He paused for a second looked behind him and saw the house ablaze. The gnome dived to the floor to hide in the crops as he saw the three fallocks emerge from the burning building, their swords splattered with scarlet. Fortunately they went the other way, towards the scrouts side of Mariendale. He felt a stabbing pain of guilt in his stomach as he felt fortunate that these fallocks were going to terrorise many more people instead of him. Once he was sure that they had gone and would not see him he made his way back to his home.
Dama could already see the smoke billowing from the village and as he got nearer he could feel the heat from the fires and could hear the screams from the gnomes. Eventually he got back to the village where he saw all of the gnomes huddled up outside. The men were all throwing buckets of water at the houses attempting to put them out as the women were looking after their gnomelings assuring them that everything will be all right. As Dama neared towards the crowd he was awestruck at the damage and the state this once beautiful village was in. A female gnome then came charging towards Dama and wrapped her arms around him.
“Dama, we thought you had d… What’s happened? I’m so glad you’re alive! We’ve been worried sick” screamed Dama’s mother tears filling her eyes.
“Where’s dad? Is dad okay?” asked Dama ignoring his mother’s questions and sounding worried.
“He’s fine. Everyone’s all right. A few injuries but it wasn’t us he was after. It was…you!” his mother replied.
“Who’s he? Was it one of the fallo…the ugly men with the white around their mouth’s?” Dama enquired.
“Oh no! They were just burning down everything. It was a tall man dressed in black who was asking for you.” his mum exclaimed in a frightened voice.
“A man? What did he look like?”
“Well I don’t know! He was tall and I couldn’t see his face..” started his mother as she began to weep.
“Why not?” interrupted Dama forcefully.
“Because…he…was wearing a mask! A horrible mask! I’m…just…so…pleased…you’re alive!” sobbed his mother.
Dama then realised that he had to meet the scrout at midnight at the The Old Nag. “Mum what’s the time?” asked Dama.
“Well the hour glass was turned almost an hour ago now. Must almost be midnight.” she replied slightly shocked by this sudden change of subject.
“I must go. Where can I find some food, pots and pans?”
“Go where? What are you talking about?” his mother said now getting frightened by her son’s edgy attitude.
“Just answer me! There’s no time I need to go!” demanded Dama.
A hand then grabbed his shoulder, Dama turned around and saw Oberduke Scrunch staring him right in the face.
“We must go! Forget about taking anything else. Just that axe and yourself will do fine. We will stop off at the skrints tomorrow they will provide us with everything else. We must get going!” said the scrout.
“What’s going on?” came the voice of Dama’s father who had come over to join the other three.
“Your son is accompanying me on a mission. There’s no time to explain. We must get going!”
“A mission! Now wait just a minute! I don’t know who you are or what…” started Dama’s father.
“Father leave it! Oberduke give me a minute please?” Dama requested.
The scrout accepted and Dama explained to his parents about the dark lord and the fallocks and how they are after the stones of life. For a moment there was utter silence until his dad burst out “You’re not going! It’s far too dangerous! You’re a gnome!”
“I’ve got to do this.” said Dama.
“Why? Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to risk everything for him! You don’t know him. It’s not your problem!” his dad yelled.
“Maybe he’s right.” said Dama looking at the scrout “What use am I against dark lords and fallocks. I would only hold you back. You go on and find someone else. I can’t help you.”
There was a painful silence after this. Dama knew he was letting the scrout down but also knew he was right for doing so. What match was he against a fallock? Let alone a dark lord. The scrout then turned his back and began to walk away when suddenly he grabbed Dama’s mother and held a knife to her throat.
“I am desperate Dama! I will kill her and every stinking gnome in this village if you don’t come! I need you! You are the one to help me!” screamed Oberduke his eyes welling up with tears. He looked like a maniac.
“Put the knife down.” said Dama as he carefully made his way towards his mother and the scrout.
“Stay back! Swear you will go with me!” bellowed Oberduke.
“Don’t do it,” his mother choked “I am old, you are young. Let him take me. You save yourself!”
“No, I can’t I must go!” cried Dama.
The scrout then let go of the helpless gnome, grabbed Dama.
“Wait!” called Dama’s father “Take this with you. Just so you can remember us.” His father pulled off from his neck a locket and handed it to Dama.
“You speak as if I won’t see you again” sobbed Dama.
“We may. I do not know. Just keep it with you. Always remember us.”
“Come Dama. We are late enough as it is”
Dama could tell his parents were still looking at him as he walked off. His eyes were full of tears. He could not bare to turn around and take another look at his parents, as he knew that if he did, it would probably be for the last time.
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Old 12-20-2005, 01:32 AM   #2
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It is hard to judge your story from this excerpt. Without an introduction I cannot comment on character development or story appeal, but I have found a few things that I feel I should mention.

1) Your story seems to have a lot of dialog and it would benefit from some more consistent spacing. As it is, I have a hard time determining the paragraphs.

2) Either you have a thesaurus or a list of synonyms for the word “said” handy. While diversity can prevent a stretch of story from being tedious, it can also pull the reader out of the story. I would suggest replacing many of your synonyms with a simple “said” or, if the format allows, removing the “said” parts entirely. A line of action text next to dialog text is understood to divulge the person speaking.

3) Your taste for detail and expression makes the story vivid but it also can make the story more difficult to read. Too much detail can make things confusing very quickly for a reader. Try to compress your actions into only the essentials and let the reader fill in the small gaps with his or her imagination. Instead of:

“The door was then ripped clean off his hinges just as Bill grabbed Dama from the floor and pulled him down behind a few barrels.”

Try:

“Bill pulled Dama behind a stack of barrels just as the door was ripped from its hinges.”

4) Lastly, I recommend you stick to the Tahoma or Verdana font when posting. These fonts are more comfortably formed and spaced. They are considerably easier on the eyes of potential readers.

Your writing style is somewhat of a rambling perseverance. This is a good style for fiction because it allows you to get out the story without much worry for the technicalities of writing.

Based on your writing style, I suggest that you finish each chapter or perhaps the entire story before going into “editing mode.” Editing too early can stifle your creativity and drive. However, I think that keeping the four things I have mentioned in close regard won’t hurt too much.
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Old 12-20-2005, 06:07 AM   #3
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Red face

Rough Ian has some good points, especially about the spacing, it is a bit hard on my old eyes!

Still, apart from a certain resemblence to the Lord of the Rings, I am enjoying it!
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Old 12-21-2005, 06:04 AM   #4
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Quote:
I suggest that you finish each chapter or perhaps the entire story before going into “editing mode.”
I completely agree with you here as I feel it is a lot more important to get the story across then worry about grammar, spelling etc. Also please make sure you read the other chapters first. They are all posted on here and it will help you understand what is going on.
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