crunch

Thanks to everyone who read my first chapter! I wonder if anyone saw what happens next coming...Anyway, here's chapter two.
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Blaire ran around to the back of the police station. He knew when to leave because he had heard the car pull up out back. The important thing now was to get to it before the cop went out to find him. The black BMW he’d asked for was waiting for him, shining in the glowing orange light of the streetlamps. Blaire opened the door and sat down quickly. Without a word from either of them the driver sped out of the small parking lot. Blaire gave him the address of his apartment and looked out the window. When they got to the tall building about twenty minutes later Blaire gave the diver his money and walked quickly inside. It was a very nice place but it wasn’t fancy. He’d never been one for fancy things. There was an elevator on the side of the lobby and he walked over to it, waiting impatiently for it to stop for him. When it finally did he stepped inside and pressed the button that would take him to floor five.


He got out and walked to the very last door in the drab hallway. Taking a small key out of his pocket, he unlocked the door and shut it behind him. He tossed his keys on a small table by the window and rubbed his eyes. It was only four-thirty but he decided to go to bed anyway. He walked into the bedroom at the other side of the small apartment and shut the door. He went to the window and pulled down the heavy blackout curtains. He picked up a box of thumbtacks from the floor and began securing the drapes to the windowsill. They went all the way down to the floor so it took him a while to do. When he had finished the first window he moved to the second doing the same thing.


Blaire changed into his nightclothes and pulled back the red satin bedding. He climbed into the comfortable bed and felt himself drifting off immediately.


The crimson liquid was dripping slowly down the walls. To the man’s horror it wasn’t just a hallucination; it was actually dripping. It was new blood! He raised his camera and snapped a photo but quickly moved on. He didn’t want to spend another second in the atrocious crypt. The whole place had an awful stench. But then, he supposed any place that had been holding rotting corpses for a couple hundred years would smell of death. He got to the stairway that led to the dark hallway he had come from the hurried up the steps. He frightened, more than he cared to admit. He had always been the boy who rang the doorbell of witches’ houses and took walks in cemeteries. But this was different, he could tell. Something actually lived in that awful place! Something was there and it could see him, hear him breathing. He wasn’t sure how he knew it, but it was definitely there. However, he wasn’t about to give up his dream of seeing a real haunted place just because he was a little scared.


He’d wanted this for as long as he could remember. Ever since he’d picked up his first pencil he knew he wanted to write. Even before that he’d wanted to see everything. Everything in the world. His job was to go to supposedly haunted buildings across the world and write about them for the New York Times. However, he’d never been anywhere nearly as realistic as this. It was just Germany. What makes Germany the only place good enough for a spirit?


Slowly, he made his way up to the bedroom that was marked on his map. He was beginning to realize what a terrible mistake it had been to go there at night. He knew, though, that he couldn’t have gone earlier that day because he had last minute wedding plans to take care of. He couldn’t have gone the next day either since he was getting married at noon. The thought of his fiancé brought a smile to his face. He had known her since high school but they’d only just gotten serious about a year before. He had asked her to marry him and she agreed quickly. He loved her more than anything and just thinking about her long red hair and deep blue eyes made him drift off into his thoughts completely. So completely, in fact, that he lost his place for a minute and had to take out a match and look at the map again.


He found where he was on the small paper and continued on to the west. He let his feet carry him onward, not even acknowledging his surroundings anymore. He was simply to wrapped up in his happy thoughts. However, as soon as he stepped into the master bedroom all peaceful thoughts of his fiancé were drained completely from his mind. There was an unmistakable presence there, undeniable evil. He could feel it travel through his skin, making him shiver. He could feel it ruffle his hair, as if there was a breeze even though there weren’t any windows at all. All of a sudden a white hand shot toward him. He couldn’t move at all. He was paralyzed with fear. Although, it wouldn’t have done him much good anyway. In fact, it wouldn’t have done him good at all; no one can escape the cold hands of death. He felt a tight grip on his throat and he was pulled roughly into the shadows. There was a split second of searing pain in his neck and then ethereal peace. The man saw, not his past life flashing before his eyes, but nothing at all. Pure blackness. The sure telling of his broken future.


Blaire’s eyes snapped open and he found that he’d been clutching his comforter so tightly that his hands hurt. He glanced at the clock and saw that the time was eight p.m. As he lay there, breathing hard, an incredible hunger came over him. He seldom felt it quite that strong. He got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Without thinking about anything he left the apartment and was soon traveling down the dark street. He was drawn to an alley by the pure desire for nourishment. He walked quickly but casually down the street, easily hiding the need shooting through his veins. He could feel his teeth changing. Against the inside of his lips he felt them lengthening and sharpening themselves to points. His eyeteeth grew especially long. He caught his reflection when passing a dark shoe store window and saw that his eyes had already turned to a deep shade of red. He moved onto and even less crowded alleyway in order to stay away from people. If anyone saw him now there would be immediate chaos and as much as Blaire loved chaos, this wasn’t a particularly good time to be bringing it about.


His ears perked up and he stopped walking. Someone was behind him. By the sound of the footsteps it was a young man. Blaire moved into the shadows, turning his body to just the right angle to be completely hidden by the darkness. He recognized the boy as soon as he came into view. It was the boy he’d met in the jail cell, Jimmi. The boy, unaware of Blaire’s presence, continued walking in his direction not knowing he was condemning himself to a horrible fate. When Jimmi came within Blaire’s reach, he grabbed him quickly by the shoulders. Before the boy even knew that something had happened, Blaire was sinking his newly formed fangs into the soft flesh of his neck. He struggled for only a moment while Blaire held tightly to his shoulders. He was focused only on drawing the life from the boy and into himself. Once he quenched his thirst he’d be normal again.

Eventually he could feel his teeth reforming to their natural state. He knew that if concentrated he could get his fangs back but he was too drawn to be out in the world. He let go of the boy, letting him crumple to the ground, and wiped his mouth. He wasn’t the least bit out of breath, even after spending a few minutes drinking without breathing at all. The reason behind that is simply that, although he did it to appear normal, Blaire didn’t need to breathe at all. He walked out of the alley, onto one of the busy streets of New York, not once looking back at poor Jimmi.


The night after that was similar, although Blaire had woken up as hungry as he had been before. He had gone out, chosen a victim, and found some way to entertain himself. No, it was the following night that would alternate his life. But for better or for worse?


He began his evening as he usually did, going to a small street that not many people walked (especially at night). He was feeling especially sensitive to the light so he stayed hidden in the shadows. After he had finished off his first victim (a young lady who he left for someone to find in the morning) he was feeling sort of slow. In fact, he was so out of it that he allowed himself to walk right into trouble that he could have otherwise easily evaded.


As he was walking down a small street, that same kid stepped out of the shadows, right in front of Blaire, forcing him to stop mid-step. However, this time it wasn’t just a coincidence. “I’ve been looking for you,” Jimmi said. He looked pained in some way, although he was trying to hide it.


Blaire’s eyes grew wide when he realized exactly who was standing in front of him. Jimmi could see a look of fear cross his face before he realized his careless mistake. When he fed off of Jimmi he had simply assumed the boy was dead. He should have taken the time to check his heartbeat but he didn’t and now he had to deal with a person who knew what he was. He sighed. “We have to talk.” Jimmi nodded and let Blaire lead him back through the crowded streets to his apartment building. Blaire had every intention of killing the boy when they got there. However, he knew only as much as everyone else about death. By killing the boy before he got to ask his questions, he could be condemning him to an eternity of wondering. Blaire couldn’t think of a worse fate and so, if he could, he’d answer any questions Jimmi might have had before killing him.


Neither one of them said anything while standing in the elevator nor walking down the hall to Blaire’s apartment. He unlocked the door and Jimmi followed him inside. He pulled an extra chair up to the table by the window and they both sat down facing each other. “So, you wanted to talk. About what?” Blaire asked, as if he didn’t know full well “about what”.


“You’re a vampire,” Jimmi stated simply. Blaire nodded, holding back his sarcastic comment, as this really wasn’t the time for one. “A weak one.” Blaire scowled.


“What do you mean?”


“If you were fully developed you’d be able to tell if I was actually dead, which you clearly didn’t do.”


“What’s your point?”


“We’ll get to that in a minute,” Jimmi said, ignoring the angry look on the vampire’s face. “I’ve always been interested in vampires. I spend most of my free time doing research on them. Even when I was younger I used to take books out of my school’s library on the subject and stay up reading them all night. I read about all the clichés and the stereotypes and when I got a little older I learned to read between the lines. After a while I was able to pick out what was real.”


“You mean you’ve always believed in vampires?” Blaire interrupted.


“Yeah, always. Anyway, it’s been like that for a long time. Then, when I was about fifteen, I started feeling like I was being watched a lot. Every time I left the house I could feel eyes on me but whenever I looked around there was either no one there or no one looking. Sometimes I even felt it at home. It always came at random times, like while I was eating dinner or watching T.V. I didn’t tell anyone about it because everyone already thinks I’m weird.”


“Hm, that’s odd,” Blaire said sarcastically, trying to hide how intrigued he was. The feeling Jimmi was describing sounded very familiar.


The boy gave him an annoyed look before continuing. “It lasted about a month before a going away for a while. A long time actually. It came back about two years later. By that time I’d almost forgotten about it. It came back at about the same time of year too. Again, it was around for a month or so. I wasn’t freaked out by it anymore since it didn’t seem to want to hurt me, whatever it was. But, about a day before it left the last time, my parents told my sister and I that they were going on a vacation to France. There wasn’t anything weird about that, they went on vacations a lot and never took Alyssa or me. It wasn’t even weird when they still weren’t home a week after they said they would be. We were used to them being away for long periods of time. They left us money so we could shop for ourselves.”


“You keep talking about your parents in past tense,” Blaire pointed out.


“Yeah, well they haven’t come back yet.”


“And when did they leave?”


“By now it’s been a couple months. Alyssa and I had been doing just fine. I hadn’t felt anything unusual and she seemed fine. That’s when I got stuck in jail for trespassing. I worried about her; I didn’t know how she’d be doing on her own. Then the afternoon after you left she came in with a pocket full of money for bail. I guess Mike (the kid I went to the factory with) told her where I was since he didn’t get caught. I went back home with her and still everything was just as it had been before. But in the week before I ran into you again-”


“Week? It was only a day.”


“No, it wasn’t. It was a week.” Blaire took a minute to think about it. How could he have slept for a whole week? Although, if he had, that would explain why he’d woken up so hungry. He knew he wouldn’t be able to figure it out anyway so he told Jimmi to continue. “So anyway, in that week Alyssa started acting kind of strange. Skipping meals and going to bed early, things like that. Then one morning I went to wake her up for school and she was lying in her bed in a weird position. She was curled into a tight ball.” Jimmi paused and looked away for a minute. “Dead.”


“Blaire looked down at his hands that were resting on the table. “How old was she?”


“Fifteen. I called the police and the rescue right away. She’d been stabbed through the heart but there wasn’t much blood. They said it was murder, as if I didn’t know. They said she’d been stabbed and that was the end of it. But I saw the puncture wounds on her neck!” He had tears in his eyes now. “I pointed them out but of course they said it was nothing, not important. They’re investing the scene now but they can’t find anything.


“The next night I ran into you. I’d had my suspicions about you before. It was pretty obvious. You could see the time on the tiny clock twenty feet away and then you just disappeared. But I knew I was right when you attacked me and then left me there. I couldn’t believe you’d be stupid enough not to make sure I was dead!”


“You don’t think I killed your sister, do you?”


“Of course not! Whoever killed her was able to do it without my knowing what was going on. She would have screamed so they had to do something to make sure she didn’t. Not many people would be able to do that; she was really jumpy. Then they had to get away without any trace of themselves left behind. Besides, I know from experience that you wouldn’t try to cover for yourself by using a standard method of murder. No, whoever did it was a skilled vampire and you are anything but skilled. Didn’t whoever made you teach you anything?


Blaire made a low growling sound. “I’ve never met my maker actually. I suppose I have to agree with you. No one ever taught me anything. Everything I learned I figured out on my own. I never found any other vampires. Some remnants of old ones but never another living immortal. I hadn’t even heard of vampires when I became one! You can imagine how hard it was for me at first. I had to figure out in a very difficult way that I couldn’t touch sunlight. For all I know, we could be the only ones alive, the one who made me and I.”


“Even if you’re not you’re the only known ones. Why haven’t you gone to find him?”


“Well, I’ve got all the time in the world, don’t I?”


“Depends. What kills you? Have you at least figured that out?”


“The sun or anything through the heart.”


“Anything?”

“Yes. Didn’t know that, did you?”


“No, I didn’t. Where did you find that?”


“Well, like I said, after I found out what I had become I went out looking for information. In England I found an old crypt that seemed to be the home of an old vampire cult. There were some old runes on the walls that (once I figured out how to read) talked about basic stuff like what kills us. Some of it was crap though, like that we have to sleep in coffins. Right off the bat I refused to shut myself up in a box everyday. I do just fine in a bed as long as I make sure no light can get in during the day.”

“But don’t you want to meet him?”

“I want to learn the history of vampires and why I couldn’t find any. And why he chose me and then didn’t bother to stick around.”

“So, basically you want to find him but you’re too afraid to go find him.”

“If you’d been there that night you’d be scared too.


“No I wouldn’t! And neither should you! You’re a vampire! Find him and make him talk to you. Don’t you see? He killed Alyssa! I want to find him, learn from him. Then I want to kill him,” Jimmi said solemnly. “You want the same thing, I know you do! You never wanted to live forever; you had a life! He took that from you. I can’t find him by myself; I’m not a vampire. You’re not a strong enough vampire to do it yourself either. You’re lonely and have been ever since the day you were turned! If we go together we can do it! We’ll have knowledge and revenge! We’ll work together and become strong! Don’t you see it?”


“What are you saying?”

“I want you to make me a vampire.”
~~~~~~~~
I know it's long. If you read this far thanks a lot!

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.

VinrAlfakyn

Wow, I really didn't see that coming! You better be putting the next part up soon, because I think I'm hooked now. All I saw were a few spelling mistakes and a few weird sentences. Great job!

__________________
it's a long long road, it's a big big world
we are wise wise women, we are giggling girls
we both carry a smile to show when we're pleased
both carry a switchblade in our sleeves
- Ani DiFranco, from "If He Tries Anything"
also in "Somplace To Be Flying" by Charles de Lint

crunch

Thanks! Well, I have two people editing and I haven't gotten one of those copies back yet and the other I haven't given to the person so I'm sure when I get them back it'll all be fixed. I'm glad it worked as a surprise and I'll try to get chapter 3 out soon. I haven't written it yet but I'll be working on it later today. I'm so glad you like it!

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.

Kira the wanderer

Yo. Back again, with some tips and such. I like your style but be sure to be less eplaining and have more of a flow. You'll see what I mean.

I don't like the "because" there. it seems sloppy. I notice myself doing this as well from time to time and when I do catch myself I'm sure to correct it. I think it would sound better if you used something like "Hearing the car pull out back he knew when to leave" or something like that. Don't explain your sentences try to make the reader feel as though its happening right hten and there.

I don't know why exactly but I don't like that first stentence, something about it. I just don't like how it sounds. And as for the second sentence you don't need "he'd". Try saying "he'd asked" out loud and you can tell it isn't right.

I like that, but I'd take out the "very" and have it just be a nice place. It seems more simple that way and has a better sound when you add that it wasn't fancy.

You explained your sentence again. Just have it happen. "He walked over to the elevator on the side of the lobby, waiting impatiently for it to stop at his level" souns better.

How about he pushed the button for the fifth floor? XD That sounds more natural. Sorry if I'm being picky now but I'll point out what draws my attention.


I think you could have worded this better. Didn't really like it.

Ok, WAY too much telling and not enough showing. What I mean is show more with your words rather than tell us what is happening. People loose interest other wise. It doesn't sound right otherwise. If you notice you started each sentence with "He" and an action. "He walked", "He went", "he picked", it doesn't work ina row like that. Hpw about starting it with the action instead? Like "Walking into the bedroom" or "Picking up the bow", varry your words more.

'Just a grammer error this time. He "was" frieghtened. I'm horrid at gramme rmyself, I'ms urprised I noticed that... *sighs* But the begining of this passage was ok. I didnb't like the second sentence, knowing it was blood and all. Try more description and perhaps some imagery. I love imagery, it makes your words beautiful.


I think it should be "ever since he picked up"... You do this a bit much I've noticed. Either have that or "Ever since he had picked up" don't use the contraction.


I know you haven't mentioned a name yet but I noticed as I read that you use "he" an awful lot. Try varrying your words again. Like "the man" or or something. You do the same thing in the next paragraph so I won't quote it.



So he's a vampire. From the frist sentence I thought this and the second prooved it. It wasn't much of a surprise, but I like the twist. It makes sence witht he dream sequence now and very obvious, or so I think anyway.


[quote]His ears perked up and he stopped walking. Someone was behind him. By the sound of the footsteps it was a young man. Blaire moved into the shadows, turning his body to just the right angle to be completely hidden by the darkness. He recognized the boy as soon as he came into view. It was the boy he’d met in the jail cell, Jimmi. The boy, unaware of Blaire’s presence, continued walking in his direction not knowing he was condemning himself to a horrible fate. When Jimmi came within Blaire’s reach, he grabbed him quickly by the shoulders. Before the boy even knew that something had happened, Blaire was sinking his newly formed fangs into the soft flesh of his neck. He struggled for only a moment while Blaire held tightly to his shoulders. He was focused only on drawing the life from the boy and into himself. []quote]

I don't like this paragraph. Its obvious, and the description is just... bland. Work on this for sure.

And what do you know, the bell just rung. Sorry, I never seem to be able to finish your work! Periods in school are just too short... or at leatst he free ones are. Think over the things I've said and I'll do the other half later.

crunch

Thanks! When I go back to edit it I'll vary my words more and try to improve the aforementioned paragraphs. Thanks for helping me!

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.

Kira the wanderer

Don't mention it. I still have the rest to read as I had run out of time yesterday. I would really fix up that pargraph with "Jimmi"... I really hate that nam for some reason >.< But I knew right away what was going to hapen and was bored with it. Try a differnet approach. Less cliche, because that's pretty much how it happens in most vampire stories.

crunch

I have to go and reread it because I have no idea what part you're talking about. However, I'm always willing to listen to advice on being less cliche. I hate cliche. Although, without trying, I'm very good at writing it.

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.

Kira the wanderer

I read the rest of the story and to tell you the truth, other than what I pointed out in my other post, up until Blaire attacked Jimmi the story was great. But form that paragraph on... I found myself making a face. Too many things that didn't make sense together and it wasn't done well. I'm sorry but you need to redo it. You never explained how it was that Jimmi became "undead" and you clearly stated that he read book about vampires. Why didn't Blaire just do that? Why on earth would he be in Egypt? And if he found out all that stuff in a pyramid then I'm afraid there were no coffins. Vampires are common myths and knownledge. I didn't like it. things didn't make sense.

Try redoing it for sure.

crunch

Alright, sure. Yeah, I have a real problem with that. Writing in complete detail in my mind but no typing it all out, I mean. I'll fix it.

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.

Kira the wanderer

Well I look forward to the edited version. Have a 3rd chaoter yet?

crunch

No, I don't have a third yet. I'm working on it but since I have real trouble with detail I write it longhand first then I type it and post it. That way, when I type, I add more details. Although apparently not enough. It's fine with me though, this way I get more words. Anyway, I'm still on the writing it out part so it could take a while to finish.

__________________
Vampires are way cooler than werewolves. All you wolf lovers need to get over it.