A fantasy idea - Writers Forum

kwake40 · 11-19-2005, 08:22 PM

im working on it and i wonder if ou guys like the idea
Some guy becomes ruler of a place with dragons, kills all dragon riders, then some dude finds one and goes out to ill the evil king, thanks

EDIT: if you would like to see the story so far post here and give me youre e-mail

Brasstwister · 11-19-2005, 08:45 PM

Post some of what you have and I'll tell you what I think, I'am a fan of fantasy
your welcome to read Astrya in fiction, its a fantasy also

kurisukun · 11-19-2005, 11:57 PM

as a fan of fantasy i don't see why not as long a it is i good read i'll enjoy it

casperthesheet · 11-20-2005, 12:38 AM

I haven't read a lot of fantasy but that sounds like a normal fantasy storyline to me. Dragons, evil rulers and heros that have the "key" to saving the kingdom...yep...high fantasy.

kwake40 · 11-20-2005, 09:57 AM

heres what i have so far

kwake40 · 11-20-2005, 09:58 AM

The Zambanian Dragon Riders

Prolouge: Beginning of the End

Serbon clashed swords with Solem in a ferocious battle. "You can't win!" yelled Serbon, snarling at his opponent. "I beg to differ," Solem replied, jumping on his dragon, while Serbon did the same. "No Serbon, don't!" screamed Hennacon, but was too late as Solem's dragon breathed out a jet of blazing blue flames. Serbon fell off his dragon and hit the ground. Quickly, Solem jumped off his dragon and stuck his sword up to his enemy's throat. "I can't win, eh?" He made it quick, pulling his sword, and like that, Serbon was gone. "No!" Hennacon yelled, uniting his sword with Solem's.
"Aye, young dragon rider, you must 'ave really liked your partner." He could see the flame burning in Hennacon's eyes, pure rage inside him. "Yes, but don't think it will make me any weaker." said Hennacon as Solem and him jumped on a beam. "You would make a fine apprentice, you know that, boy?" Said Solem. "The power of evil can bring people back to life!" Before Hennacon could think, it was to late, he already slayed Solem. It can? he thought. He wondered how to learn the power of evil, he then noticed a book in Solems pocket. Hennacon grabbed the book and looked through it. It looks like some type of spellbook he thought. He looked at the cover, it read The Art of Evil. He read through it, page by page, after two days of no rest, he finished it. The king, who was also a dragon rider, walked in. "We've been looking for you for 2 days. Now let's go." said the king. "No." said Hennacon, darkly "What?" The king snapped. "I said no!" Hennacon snarled as a stream of black magic issued through his hands. The magic released itself from Hennacon, and enveloped the king as he stood there, pale as a stone. Then he dropped dead. Hennacon was silent, shock overwhelming him as he realized that he had killed the king, also meaning that he was now the king. A menacing smile overtook his face as he stood up and proclaimed, "I am Lord Hennacon, ruler of Zambania!"

Ultimate Find

Linsane sat up on his hay bed, eager to start hunting. He quickly put on his clothes and grabbed his bow and arrow. He walked out the door and into the dark meadow. "Ow!" he yelled as his brown hair got caught on a branch. He pulled his hair out and readied his arrow. He heard some thing rustling in the bushes. He started walking toward it. A deer jumped out of the bush. Linsane had no choice but to run after it, holding his arrow like a knife. He suddenly tripped on something. "Ungh, My arm." He moaned. Linsane looked to see what he tripped on. A dragon egg? He thought. He looked at the crystal like egg. It had a magnificent rainbow colored exterior. "This is amazing, how many kids stumble upon a dragon egg?" Linsane said to himself. Should I tell Father about this? He questioned himself. No, he would probably take it away from me. He walked back to the house with the egg in his pocket, trying to hide from his father. "Any luck hunting?" asked Linsane's father. "Not any." replied Linsane. He dashed into his room and put the egg on a stool beside his bed.

Selorian · 11-20-2005, 10:36 AM

Your story has all the ingredients of High Fantasy, but it sounds like you're following from a recipe card for directions. From what I've read so far, I would say you've recently read Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Dragon Riders, finding a dragon egg, etc. All very cliche.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you want to write a run of the mill fantasy story, but if you want something original you'll have to really add new elements or great twists to the ones you're using. I know for me, I like to look for something that is fresh and original--the same thing over and over kills me.

Look at your story and see what you can do to make it different than others. Don't settle for a retelling of what has already been done. If you do this, you'll find more people that will enjoy your work.

Also, work on adding more description. What you have so far is mostly telling and the story moves way too fast. Give more desciption and do more showing than telling. I don't want to be negative, but I want you to know that there needs to be a lot more work done to get your story to the place you would like for it to be.

Good luck and keep working on it.

kwake40 · 11-20-2005, 10:41 AM

thanks selorian, and every one else

demon_ · 11-20-2005, 03:33 PM

Your idea sounds like the book by Christopher Paolini "Eragon". But, I'll judge after I'm done reading your prologue.

demon_ · 11-20-2005, 03:34 PM

Oh Selorian already said that. HeHe.

Off Topic:

Good book, though, eh, selorian...?

kwake40 · 11-21-2005, 10:01 AM

Prolouge: Beginning of the End

Serbon clashed swords with Solem in a ferocious battle. "You can't win!" yelled Serbon, snarling at his opponent. "I beg to differ," Solem replied, jumping on his dragon, as Serbon did the same. "No Serbon, don't!" screamed Hennacon, but was too late as Solem's dragon breathed out a jet of blazing blue flames. Serbon fell off his dragon and hit the ground. Quickly, Solem jumped off his dragon and stuck his sword up to his enemy's throat. "I can't win, eh?" He made it quick, pulling his sword, and like that, Serbon was gone. "No!" Hennacon yelled, interlocking his sword with Solem's.
"Aye, young dragon rider, you must 'ave really liked your partner." He could see the flame burning in Hennacon's eyes, pure rage inside him. "Yes, but don't think it will make me any weaker." said Hennacon as Solem and him jumped on a beam. "You would make a fine apprentice, you know that, boy?" said Solem. "The power of evil can bring people back to life!" Before Hennacon could think, it was too late, he already slayed Solem. It can? He thought. He wondered how to learn the power of evil; he then noticed a book in Solem's pocket. Hennacon grabbed the book and looked through it. It looks like some type of spellbook he thought. He looked at the cover, it read The Art of Evil. He read through it, page by page, after two days of no rest, he finished it. The king, who was also a dragon rider, walked in. "We've been looking for you for 2 days. Now let's go." said the king. "No." said Hennacon, darkly "What?" The king snapped. "I said no!" Hennacon snarled as a stream of black magic issued through his hands. The magic released itself from Hennacon, and enveloped the king as he stood there, pale as a stone. Then he dropped dead. Hennacon was silent, shock overwhelming him as he realized that he had killed the king, also meaning that he was now the king. A menacing smile overtook his face as he stood up and proclaimed, "I am Lord Hennacon, ruler of Zambania!"

Ultimate Find

As the sun rose in its usual arc over the land, a young boy by the name of Linsane sat up on his hay bed, eager to start the day with a quick hunt. He quickly put on his clothes and grabbed his oak longbow and a quiver of steel arrows. He walked out the door and into the dark meadow, blending in with the shadows in his shady clothing. "Ow!" he yelled as his brown hair suddenly got caught on a sharp branch. He pulled his hair out and stopped suddenly, hearing something rustling in the bushes. Linsane quickly nocked an arrow on his bow and started walking toward the sound. A deer quickly jumped out of a nearby bush, and Linsane had no choice but to run after it, holding his arrow like a knife. Not paying attention to the road, he suddenly tripped on something. "Ungh, my arm," he moaned. He stood up to see what he had tripped on. A...a dragon egg? he thought, looking at the crystal-like egg. It had a magnificent opal-colored exterior, certainly making it look like one. "This is amazing - how many kids stumble upon a dragon egg?" Linsane said to himself. He questioned himself further. Should I tell Father about this? Second thoughts changed his idea, for his father would probably take it away from him. Silently, he walked back to the house with the egg in his pocket, trying to hide from his father, but Linsane met him in the hall. "Any luck hunting?" his father asked, not noticing Linsane's bulging pocket as he tried to twist his tunic around so that the pocket was at the back side. "Not any," Linsane hastily replied. He dashed into his room without further ado and put the egg on a stool beside his bed. "Stay here Gregor," Linsane said. Gregor, where did I think of that name? he questioned himself. Before his father came up to his room, he went downstairs to do the day's chores, and the day passed by quickly, the egg constantly on Linsane's mind.
The next morning, Linsane awoke to find a crack in the egg's shell. He looked at it with a puzzled expression, wondering how an egg of this beauty could get a defect. It started to crack more and more, then finally, a small head pierced through the cracks and broke off the rest off the egg shell. Linsane gaped, for in front of his eyes was a small white dragon. "You're beautiful," Linsane whispered to the enigmatic small dragon. The dragon, who now took the name Gregor, looked around curiously like an owl. It walked around on the stool, while its huge sapphire eyes never strayed from Linsane.
Linsane awoke the next morning, when the sun just started to pek over the horizon. “How are you doing, Gregor.” He looked at the stool, Gregor wasn’t there. “Oh my god.” Whispered Linsane. He swiftly made his way down the flight of stairs into the kitchen. There, Linsane’s father was cooking breakfast. Linsane glanced down under the wooden kitchen table. “How are you doin’, Linsane?" Asked his father. “F…fine.” Stuttered Linsane while staring at Gregor. He dived under the table and seized the small dragon. Linsane’s father looked puzzled, “What are you doing?” “I…I slipped.” replied Linsane.

alienmagejlm · 02-22-2006, 11:19 AM

very good story so far, I also like stories about dragons and magic and stuff which is why I have started my own story called the Dragon Sourcerer.