Dephere

Any feedback would be awesome.

PRELUDE:

His eyes finally began to adjust to the darkness, silhouettes beginning to take shape in the large bedroom. Aoeryth waited for his prey as a spider would its next meal, blankets molding to his delicate touch when he felt around to gather his awareness. The plush material softer than any silk he had ever touched, but he withdrew his hand to move back from the bed. He continued to feel around, wood grain brushing against his palm, a look of satisfaction finally crossing his face when he realized he was in prime position. Able to discern the dark edges of the table directly beside the bed, and only mere feet from the bedroom entrance. There sandwiched in between the ornate, mahogany door and the table, on which a small book sat, Aoeryth remained poised.

Noise seemed amplified a hundredfold amidst the unendurable silence. Even Aoeryth who had been adroit when silence was required grimaced at the sounds of his breathing that seemed to reverberate throughout the house, although he felt this was true he knew through experience that an unwary victim would give it not a moment of thought. Wooden wheels penetrated the walls with their banging sounds, speeding along as the carriages to which they belonged carted home drunken men and women.

Aoeryth had picked the night of House Merydon’s celebration to make his move, knowing an ambassador of the house would be returning late and most likely under the influence of fine wines. All the nobles would attend the festivities of Saedras’ reigning house, an opportunity that had allowed Aoeryth to slip in unnoticed.

Carriages continued to roll by with their loud, clunking wheels, but Aoeryth ignored them listening only for the sounds of the one that would eventually stop in front of the ambassador’s house. He was rewarded with what he listened for after intently waiting for over an hour, but bile rose into the back of his throat when the time had finally come upon him.

The soft voice of the ambassador could be heard shortly after the carriage stopped, a voice, he noted, not tinged with the effects of alcohol. Aoeryth heard the conversation drift in through the window above his head, accompanied with the chill night air.

“Return for the others,” The ambassador ordered with a calm, cool voice. “I do not envy you this night Radrial.” Aoeryth smirked at the irony in the statement, knowing the ambassador very well should have envied Radrial for Radrial would keep his life. Feet scuffed along the cobblestones, drawing nearer as did the ambassador. Aoeryth began to prepare for the implementation of his assignment, releasing his raven blades from their confinement. A thin whistle greeted his ears when the blades were pulled from their sheaths, the weapons an integral part of who he was. Just under three feet these blades could procure a preternatural amount of damage when paired with the proper owner, as they had inevitably done when they had found their way to Aoeryth.

The footsteps had taken a respite while the ambassador had busied himself opening the door, which gave Aoeryth enough time to thoroughly brace himself. The ambassador entered his house, a lavishly decorated house at that. His reception room was the first room anyone saw, and this was impressive enough. The carpets were a hearty red that gave the room a genuine warmth. A feeling only reinforced by the earth colored paintings that adorned the walls, a pleasant room by the highest of standards, but somehow lacked the lived in feel of most houses. Aoeryth heard the chaffing of cloth on the ground and surmised that the ambassador had taken off his jacket, which meant the ambassador was prepared to have a drink, something he had not done much of at the celebration. Aoeryth’s thoughts were confirmed when he heard the slight sound of a glass snifter being removed from a decanter, he knew he would be in the room for longer than he had anticipated.

Listening from his position Aoeryth heard the ambassador move about the reception room, but after he had had his fill of brandy he moved to the adjoining room. Aoeryth heard the ambassador in the room directly next to the bedroom, unfortunately he had not taken notice to what that room had contained. His curiosity was piqued as to what the ambassador was doing and his curiosity would not be satiated until after the ambassador was dead.

Eventually the ambassador had lost interest and returned to the reception room, quickly passing by to go to his own chambers. Aoeryth had never relaxed from the moment the ambassador had entered and still remained poised with his fatal raven blades at the ready, their raven adorned hilts seemed to pulse in excitement, ruby eyes anxious for the kill.

A creek issued forth from the opening door signaling the beginning of the assassination. The dark shape had moved through the door oblivious as to what was to happen, seeing nothing in the utter darkness of his room for his eyes were unadjusted. He heard a subtle shift in the room, much like a glove sliding against clothing, but his awareness came much too late. Aoeryth rushed the ambassador’s side with his right blade, implanting the steel up to the hilt in his exposed abdomen. The initial blade was quickly succeeded by a deft slice to the throat, ending the man’s life in a manner of seconds.

The blood red rubies that had acted as the raven blades’ eyes seemed to grow subtly darker after the man had been murdered.

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JL Hartfield

I like your use of imagery here. It's very detailed, but be careful that you don't go overboard with the descriptions. Good word usage, but maybe cut back a tiny bit, although the flow was pretty good, I must say. I'm interested to learn more about the character. Good job.

Most Sincerely,

JL Hartfield

Indigo

I like it. A few comments though.

Instead how about "Aoeryth waited as a spider would for it's prey" the original repeats it's self a little.

Try a different word, smidgeon sort of breaks the tension.

Just ideas

Dephere

I will be sure to implement your ideas because I like them. Also about the overboard description thing...I tend to have a problem of under-describing so to hear that I may have gone overboard makes me feel good.

Thank you for the input.

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Jimbob

Dephere,
You have some good images here, but a little over the top with the adjectives. The word "raven" keeps appearing as an adjective, but never as a noun. You mention that they're fatal, (deadly would be more appropriate. A wound is fatal, a weapon is deadly). You say a lot about how scarey they are, but not much about how the're constructed or how they're different from ordanary swords, except that they're about three feet long and have jewels on the hilts.

Dephere

I didn't completely expose the mystery of the blades because I want to keep some things for later down the road, perhaps let the reader pick up on these things as the story goes along, as opposed to just letting them know everything.

As to the raven as an adjective check again because "raven blades" is meant to be a collective noun, I am not using ravens as a descripter.

I know I have gone over the top, my bad, but it is a huge change for me because I usually underdo a story...thank you for reading.

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Dephere

It has been a while, but here is more if anyone out there cares....lol. I also tweeked a few minor things in the beginning too.

Radryth sat in his chambers, pensive while he pondered where his inferior could have possibly gone. The deed should have been finished long ago, yet Aoeryth still did not return. He was beginning to anger, planning out the punishment that would assert his position. Perhaps a maiming would be in order, but no Aoeryth would be much less deadly without limbs. Radryth continued to think on what he would do to Aoeryth, receiving intense satisfaction from the methods he had procured during this time.

The wind sent a flurry of rain into the window before Radryth managed to get it closed, which in turn put him in more somber of a mood. A quality which did not bode well for Radryth’s subjects, considering the frightening faculties that this man had at his fingertips. The man was not overly large, but any underestimation on the part of an enemy would be their final mistake. Few ever found out why this man was so dangerous, but those who did never seemed to survive.

As if in response to Radryth’s growing anger a slamming door resounded throughout the house. Immediately he set aside his anger in favor of curiosity, racing out of his room and into the main hall. There standing just inside the doorway was the dark man Radryth knew as Aoeryth, who else could appear to be a shadow within a brightly lit hallway.

“Is the deed done?” It was a simple question that carried immense levity, an answer providing either praise or a death sentence. Silence seemed to prevail for numerous minutes, until Aoeryth finally decided to break his fast of words.

“Yes, my liege. Your victim has been disposed of and I must say it was quite fun.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, my son.” Aoeryth still never understood Radryth’s infatuation with calling his subjects by son, it seemed oddly similar to the religious zealots he so often killed, but decided things like this were trivial. “What did the bastard say as he died?” At this Aoeryth laughed, knowing the question was rhetorical.

“Now you of all people should know I don’t let my victims speak, it might present a conflict of interest.” Very early in his career Aoeryth had decided to kill his targets without speaking to them, otherwise he might be swayed by meaningless words. Not that he was a soft minded person, but he felt more secure without taking such risks. Especially after this man, Radryth, had convinced him of a traitorous life once before, most probably why Radryth posed the question after every assignment.

“Yes, I know.” With his curiosity placated he moved on from the moot point, letting his anger resurface. “Why have you kept me waiting? You know I don’t like the suspense.”

“Well, I figured why waste a trip to Saedras without going to the brothel, I mean considering the holiday sales.” Radryth gave Aoeryth much leeway in his assignments, knowing that of all his subjects Aoeryth was the most useful, but he had gone too far this time.

“Don’t speak to me of such inane things as whores, Aoeryth.” The dark man knew he had overstepped his bounds when Radryth had addressed him by name instead of his favored ‘my son’. “ You are a rutting dog and as such you will obey me as your master, no longer just your liege. You must earn that honor back.” Aoeryth considered trying to kill Radryth, after all he never held such things as loyalty in high esteem, but displaced the idea when the thought of how powerful this man really was emerged. Truly he had never witnessed power in Radryth, although he hadn’t witnessed a true display of power the profusion of rumors convinced him of its existence.

“Yes, my master.” Aoeryth could never be truly put into submission, but the words proved enough.

“Don’t be so quick to push your limits Aoeryth because next time I might just overlook your usefulness.” His words were uttered in a tense whisper, quiet to the point that a flicker of fear was instilled in Aoeryth at that moment, a feat that had never been accomplished prior to this occasion. Still, Aoeryth harbored information that he knew granted him impunity.

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Dephere

I have more written already so if you like it please tell me and I will post more. Perhaps you could tell me in what direction I could take the story to make it more interesting...what you liked? what I should work on more? You know, all that good stuff.

Any help would be much appreciated.

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Ben

Hey, Dephere.

The writing in the story is good, but I think that you go into too much depth with your descriptions. Other people might not mind it, but it really slows the pace of the piece. It may be fine for the assassination scene, because it's like the reader is 'waiting' with Aoeryth. However, I think the pace needs to be quickened in the second part you posted.

Not much of the story is given away in these two exerpts, so I can't really comment on that. Aoeryth's story seems interesting, but you need to be careful with his character. I might be jumping to a bad conclusion after reading this, but he seems to be a bad-boy-that-doesn't-care-about-anything sort of character. He's good at what he does and he's a rebel. It would be good if you give him a few flaws here and there. (Which you might have done already, I'm just going with what I read.)

Oh, and I noticed that you posted this on the 16th of last month. Starting NaNo a little early, eh?

--Besh

Dephere

lol, I know it looks bad, but I only had a very rough sketch of the first scene when I posted this. When I joined the NaNoWriMo I developed the first scene much more and then wrote the second part of it. And now I have the whole second part and much much more, but apparently no one likes it.

Oh, well.

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Dephere

I took a long break...but I thought maybe somebody might read this stuff.

CH. 1:

She was flustered, worried that this news boded ill for Saedras. Radrial had relayed everything of that night to her, from what the ambassador had said to his own thoughts as he drove off. Cedrus was flummoxed as to why these things were pertinent at first, but Radrial had continued in a hurried tone. Slowly it all came into place how the ambassador had arranged for Radrial to pick him up the next morning and cart him to his meeting, a meeting that no one had known about. The ambassador had apparently not shown, an event which Radrial gave no levity, after all an ambassador could cancel if he liked.

“How did you know he was dead?” Cedrus quickly asked when she realized Radrial had stopped speaking. Cedrus ensured that she would keep his information confidential for the sake of Radrial’s anonymity. The pause continued, Radrial looking as if he was ready to dart. The man’s dark hair looking frayed and unkempt, just one of the outward signs that hinted to his unease.

“I...” He seemed unwilling to speak, but this time Cedrus was not sure if it was from fear. “I decided to investigate his absence. I usually just continue on when he misses our rendezvous’ but it seemed odd.” His voice continued to quaver, as if he were afraid but fear had receded from his voice halfway through their conversation.

“Odd? How so?” Cedrus had become accomplished at reading the body language of those she questioned, but somehow this man’s motivations alluded her. She looked around to assure that none of the patrons in the brothel had turned from their entertainment. Cedrus had not wanted to meet with Radrial surrounded by the dregs of society, but somehow this seemed the only place where their information would remain secure.

“Lourn seemed so urgent about this meeting, much more so than his other meetings.” She took notice that his voice had returned to normalcy, the quavering not infringing upon his information. “He kept reminding me of the time I would pick him up, even though I have never been late to pick up his lordship before.” Cedrus figured that this man had nothing left to tell her and allowed her witness to flee. Fear driving him out of the brothel faster than any man she had seen before.

This interrogation had taken place the morning before she was to meet with her superior. Cedrus had become his most prized envoy, an asset he could not deal without. She was a spy who never wore out her use.

Cedrus sat comfortably in a large, plush couch going over every detail in her mind as she waited to meet with her lord. He would be displeased that she had waited to expose such news to him, but she wanted to make sure she analyzed every possible angle that this interview had presented. Even now she continued to dwell on every tone inflection her witness had displayed and the opulent room proved more distracting than she could stand. Her concentration could not endure the stimulations that the room provided, intricate paintings, a large leather bound book laying in the center, and numerous other furniture pieces that were revolutionary in their design.

As a last desperate attempt to keep the facts straight in her mind she went through the crime scene. Radrial had drove his carriage to the ambassador’s house, waiting down the road where Lourn had told him to. There Radrial waited, but Lourn had not shown. Then for some inexplicable reason, curiosity claimed Radrial, he had gone to see why Lourn had not shown up. Things did not add up, however, because Radrial had never shown an interest in missed appointments before. There was the piece of evidence that she needed to solve, with it would come understanding. Upon his personal investigation Radrial had found the dead body of Lourn.

“M’lady Cedrus,” The man who had let her into the palace now made a reappearance, “His highness will see you now.” Cedrus smirked to herself taking note that her superior had now decided to enforce the formalities.

“Very well.” She rose from her seat, only to greatful to leave this busy room. As she left the small alcove she traversed the long hallway, passing by numerous large doors, but she knew her destination. At the end of the lavish hallway waited a large archway that made the transition from hallway to reception room. This was probably the safest room in all of Saedras, considering that few even knew of its existence.

“Your highness,” She fell to her knees as was customary, but she stumbled over the rarely used title. A hearty laugh escaped the lips of the man before her.

“Cedrus, I see subordination does not come so easy to you.” She deemed it fit for her to raise her head, and there she saw the welcome sight of her lord. A lithe figure, cloaked in a deep blue robe, the hood pulled back so that his trust in Cedrus was shown. None save his highest ranked disciples ever saw his face. Bronze hair gleamed in wavy rivulets, offset by stark blue black eyes.

“For some reason I think you already knew this...your highness.” This second one was naught but for jest.

“Okay Cedrus, tell me. What have you been working on. You are a fleeting presence at best these past few days.” He kept his tone informal, but knew he was tapping upon a delicate subject.

“One of ours has been murdered on the night of house Merydon’s celebration, none save you, me, and a carriage man by the name of Radrial know of this.” The room instantly grew tense, the uneasiness almost palpable.

“Why am I only hearing about this now?” When no answer was provided he continued on. “Who was it?” This was the part Cedrus had feared to tell, Lourn was after all an ambassador. Such a high ranking member was hard to come by.

“It was Lourn, your highness.” Even such titles as “your highness” could not impede the tumult of anger that was exuded by the man in front of Cedrus.

“How can this be hidden, an ambassador’s death does not go unnoticed?”

“Yes, M’lord, but they say he passed in his sleep, obviously they know the political implications. If they released the information that an ambassador was murdered in his sleep then even now we could have been in the midst of a civil war. Everyone would want someone to blame.” She felt that tension begin to abate, as his eyes lost there harsh edge.

“But, why? No one knows about us Cedrus. Could it be that our existence has finally passed from whispers into the known? And even then how could these peoples possess the faculties to know our members.” He directed the question to himself as well as to Cedrus.

“I don’t know, but if it is as you assume...then we face trouble m’lord.” He knew it as well as she. It was one thing to hear whispered rumors of the Saeye Brotherhood, but to know of its existence could prove a dangerous thing indeed. Revealing the truth to the masses could play the catalyst to insurrection, resulting in a total breakdown of Saedras’ society.

The brotherhood, who recruited by meticulous means, worshiped or followed Saeye, brother of the illustrious Saedras. Beloved founder of the city, but Saeye had usurped the position of titular head of the city. Saeye had thoroughly come to know his realm through a large network of spies and when Saedras wanted to reclaim absolute control of his rightful city it did not bode well with his brother. Saeye used any means necessary to maintain control of his domain, even murder. They were dark days, but Saeye seemingly faded from existence, running the city covertly. Until no one even spoke his name in fear that he would resurface once more, and apparently most had forgotten the dark times in favor of the beloved founder, Saedras. As a result of the fanatical Saeye, the brotherhood was formed. A secular group spurned from the network of spies Saeye had garnered under his control.

“It is okay, Cedrus do not worry. Even if someone had planned the murder of one of our highest officials, they will not catch us sitting down. We are a forced to be reckoned with and they will learn a lesson they won’t soon forget.” His anger had been overshadowed by staunch determination, the beginnings of an underground war. Covert nations ready to clash in the heart of Saedras.

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Dephere

Here is link to my second chapter...
http://www.writingforums.com/showthread.php?t=51729

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