nogood

Just tossing out a line as a noob to see what I reel in.

These are the first few paragraphs from my currant work. I would love to know what you think.

What I really want to know is:
1 Does it grab your interest.
2 Is it constructed well (readable)

AE: The Lament of the Victoria: Chapter one: It's about time.

He had lost himself in its design. It’s comfortably warm no matter how he positions himself. The air was clean and cool, possessing him with vitality every time he breathed. He felt in control. He felt he could be safe here. He is the steward of this domain which was created for him. He is exactly where he is supposed to be. This is the greater purpose that had since eluded him, he could feel it. Destiny had placed him now where he was meant to be. He was lost in its design.


Minutes had past before he was interrupted by the gentle knocking of Charles on the canopy. He swayed his head out of euphoria and looked at his friend thru the glass. Charles was smiling with raptured enthusiasm. He was bantering on with unrivaled glee despite the fact that Thorbin could not hear him. Thorbin hit the canopy release and the glass slid back caressing him with a gentle breeze a crossed his cheeks. The outside environment quickly destroyed the remaining tranquility Thorbin had acquired. There are Warning buzzers from taxies towing fighters into position. Signal lights blurring past as birds where catapulted from the deck at near sonic speeds. Then being follow by the roar of E.T. turbine fighter engines. All accompanied by an army of jet mechanics and ballistics engineers. Married by cadence as marines beat their feet in perfect unison as they drilled. All this and Charles was still going on in vain. Thorbin looked purposely at his friend. Pointed to his ears and smirked. Charles smiled again and helped Thorbin out of the cockpit.

They waded their way thru the choreographed havoc to a hatch that leads off the carrier’s main flight deck. There Charles could finally be heard.
“So how do you like your new girl? Isn’t she amazing?”
“Perfect” Thorbin answered with subtle delight.
“She’s a killer. Modified missile systems, Advanced Nav and controls including the new neural interface. All you have to do is think! And she’ll bove. Ah? Move.”
They both laughed.
“Ya she’s a killer Charles. I’ll see you at the brief.”
“O.K. don’t be late T”

As Thorbin headed back to his quarters he walked slowly, he was pacing himself to allow the adrenaline to settle. He entered his room and sat on his bed. He could feel his blood strike through his veins in accord to the melody of his heart. The room was sparse. He had not yet made it his own. He stood, walked over to his dresser and opened the top drawer. Four items lay in it. The Bible, his Defense Core badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a copy of “The Good Samaritans Last Message” narrated and abridged.

It was the last item that he decided to pick up and take to his chair where he sat. It had been a source of inspiration to him during his DC training. In it were the words that had changed the world. The majority of the book was the translation of a message received many decades ago and sent many centuries ago. The message it self was a profound event. Life as the people on earth had known it was drastically changed for ever. Aliens from another world where broadcasting from far away. They where sending a message to all who where listening

The messages came in sections approximately 72 minutes that where repeated hours later. After a few days passed the next section would arrive. It continued like that for four and one half years .The broad cast was so strong that it disrupted communications on earth until engineers adapted to them. The message was designed to be understood the first few sections where a primer meant to teach the recipient the language of the message. After that the heart of the communication began. The messengers described themselves in this way as best as could be translated.


“We are good Samaritans who wish to provide all with our wisdom.” They described their world and their people. They offered earth their philosophy and spiritual beliefs. They passed on information about technologies and sciences. They described other worlds and other worldly people that they had come across. Most importantly they sent a warning. A warning about the species that were the catalyst for the broadcast. A ravenous species of marauders called the Talc. Their system was being invaded. They where losing. The message told of a moral struggle the Samaritans faced. They could build a transmitter that could warn other species about the Talc or use those resources to fight. They were certain that defeat was eminent. The issue was decided. They determined that they would sacrifice their existence sooner in order to send the message.

The second part is below

__________________
A wise man is a man who knows.... he knows nothing.

Perad

Its a promising start, i assume AE is after Earth.

The only thing i thought was off was the large number of full stops in the first paragraph. Except for that its pretty good. Are you going ot post any more?

nogood

Thank you for your commentary. Please forgive me but I'm not sure I understand what a full stop is. AE does indead stand for After Earth. The two biggest problems I Seem to have include run on sentances and incorrect tenses.



I added a little more above

__________________
A wise man is a man who knows.... he knows nothing.

tyrus568

This is quite atmospheric. You might want to give a little more detail about the inside of the ship while Thorbin is in it, to add interest. Like the sleekness of the chrome custom-fit design, the smell of ozone, the bright shininess of the many controls, or whatever.

I also think you should remove the "He was lost in its design" from the end of the paragraph. While I think I see what you were going for, it sounds repetitive instead of meaningful. Maybe it's just me!

Cleaning up the tenses and spelling a little bit might help attract more people to critique it. I know, it's hard.

Thanks for posting.

tyrus

nogood

I have a hard time with the tenses.

__________________
A wise man is a man who knows.... he knows nothing.

worldboy90

I thought it was good... but short for now. Try posting it in a full chapter next. Fix your spelling, and well give us some more meat to chew on. I got that this guy is in some futuristic place. And he's in his ship. Bout it. Otherwise, seems good enough.

nogood

more per request.


This message was not lost to the people of earth. A people that often times define themselves most clearly in the light of adversity. A war that spanned the entirety of the globe had just come to an end. Often referred to as “The Armageddon” it was the last and bloodiest war fought on earth. It almost overcame the world. More then 700 million people died and the after math was political turmoil that nearly cast the world to war again. It was then that the message arrived. The idea that an entire species realistically more advanced then humankind had sacrificed it self for humankind was culturally altering. Leaders from around the world conceded in ways never thought possible. A peace unlike the human world had ever known came to be. No person could ignore the information presented by the message of the Samaritan. No person could be coy about its finale sentence. “They will come”


Thorbin stood up and closed the book. He returned it to the drawer and then grabbed his Bible. Opened it up and removed some pictures that were inside. Placed the Bible in the drawer closed it and began setting pictures on top of the dresser. His mind reflected on each one as he went through them. Most of the pictures were of Mika, his wife. One was of his father in his flight gear standing next to his F-37 super rapture. He was not the first pilot in his family. The men in his family had a tradition of service as fighter pilots dating back to world war two. Thorbin's father had fought for the Americans during The Armageddon. He had met Thorbin’s mother fighting with the Japanese resistance after being shot down during the battle of Tokyo. He let them be and tightened his belt. It was time to go.

Thorbin headed back towards the main flight deck until he came to a door that read “test pilots only” he entered and was greeted by Charles. They sat down in the common area and waited for the others to arrive. Charles had already started going over the schematics and data from the last flight. He had spread out papers on the table they were sitting at and was bombarding Thorbin with techni speak. A large man entered the room and sat next to them.


“Hey Tank” Charles said breaking away from his analysis for a moment. The large man nodded then listened intently. Thorbin and Charles had only just met tank and they both agreed never to cross him. To say he was a large man does not do his physical stature justice. He was massive, stood over seven feet tall, and was as tough as he looked. His short graying hair was high and tight and blended downward to his constant five o’clock shadow. Often times he was load and rowdy. On occasion he was quit. The kind of quite only a true predator knows. His body was scarred from years of unknown peril. The most notable mark was the scare that ran up from his left check. Disappeared under his left eye and then continued above it. When he closed his eye or blinked the scar completed it self. It was rumored that he had served time for murder. The rumor had to be false. No felon could be a test pilot. Still the rumor existed in the realm of believability. Stories aside Tank was a beast of a man.


Thorbin caught himself losing focus on Charles and his analysis so he recentered his attention on what was being said. Charles like most people was much different then Tank. He was tall but not a giant. He was all muscle but not large. His gregarious attitude had been the key to their early friendship. Thorbin was quiet and not inclined to speak if there was nothing to be said. Charles was not inclined to allow Thorbin his luxurious silence. At first this was not a match made in heaven. They did grow to become friends in the Defense Core. Their friendship then blossomed to brotherhood pursuing the pirate sects. Charles was the only brother Thorbin had ever known.

__________________
A wise man is a man who knows.... he knows nothing.