Phantom Rose

I'm still working on a draft where I'm getting rid of the prologue, I'll post that as soon as it's done. I also went through and edited everything I've posted here already; correcting errors I saw and adding in details, I may post that copy later as well. For now, I have some more... As a forewarning, I don't think I was feeling very well when I wrote this part of the story, and I don't like it at all. I do realize that I packed way too much information on the characters into this little piece of story... But if anyone has any advice on how to change it, that'd be wonderful.

Chapter One (Part Two): The Crew

David jolted awake as someone knocked on his door the next day, sitting straight up and barely managing to keep from falling over. Growling to himself, he sat up and rubbed his eyes blearily, glancing at the clock beside him.
“You said you’d get me in the morning, not at f***ing dawn!” he shouted, throwing off his thin blankets and getting to his feet
“Umm… Uh… M-Mr. Layon?” a timorous voice, holding a light French accent, inquired; definitely not Henry.

He scowled, standing up and going to open the door.
“Who the hell are you?” he asked in a threatening tone, glaring down at the visitor.
“M-M-Mr. Reefe sent me to get you. Everyone else is already t-there.” The boy stuttered awkwardly, wringing his hands and looking utterly terrified to be speaking with him.
“That’s not what I asked. Who are you?”
“My n-name is Stephen…”
“I don’t believe it.” David grimaced, looking at him. “You’re supposed to be a soldier? You’re a f***ing kid!”
“S-Sixteen, umm, sir. I’m not that young.” Stephen insisted, a deep blush rising on his face.
“How did a sixteen year old come to be a Chaos Knight? You’re too young.”
“I d-don’t know how, Mr. Layon, but I do have the immunization.” He turned wide blue-green eyes downward, still blushing.

David looked him over in a scrutinizing way. A small frame, wide eyes, and a smattering of freckles across his face made Stephen seem even younger than he claimed – it wouldn’t surprise him in the least if he were lying about it. He looked like the sort of person to be collecting donations for an orphanage or something; not fighting against the deadly Chaos.
“You’re just going to be a nuisance.” He told him in a finalizing way, taking his heavy coat off a nearby chair and putting it on.
“I-I don’t think so, sir. I’m well trained. I can do it. Really!”
“Doubtful.” He yawned and left, shoving past the younger Chaos Knight and walking away.

Stephen ran after him, struggling to keep up with someone so much taller.
“I swear, sir-“
“Don’t call me ‘sir’. It’s David.”
“O…Okay… But, anyways, I may be young, but I was trained hard. Really, I can do this. I can help. I swear, I won’t let you down.”

David tightened his coat, breath puffing out in small clouds in the chilly morning air. He scowled darkly and rubbed at his nose, trying to tune out Stephen’s repetitive chatter from behind him. There were only a handful of people out on the streets – it would still be a good hour or so before the majority of the population got up for work. The Base seemed incredibly serene – the weight of the task set before him was momentarily forgotten.

Of course, it was only a brief period of bliss, shattered immediately and effectively as the meeting building loomed in his line of vision. He stopped at the doors and Stephen, who had been thinking of other things, bumped into him. He turned and glared at the boy, who stumbled backwards, murmuring hasty apologies. David shook his head wearily, going into the building.

Henry was waiting for them outside the room from the day before, looking instantly relieved as he saw them.
“I almost thought you two weren’t coming.” He told them, smiling.
“We got here as soon as we could, Mr. Reefe, sir.” Stephen assured him, a bit out of breath from trying to keep up with David. He was even more wide-eyed than usual, looking at Henry with an awed gaze.
“This…” David broke in, gesturing at Stephen, “Is a joke, right?”
“What?” Henry asked, still smiling, although more nervously.
“This kid can’t really be coming with us. He’ll be killed, it's undeniable.”
“I’m sure-“ Henry began
“N-No, I can do it!” Stephen interrupted, looking hurt and rather alarmed at the concept of being kept back. “You haven’t seen my in action yet!”
“What’s ‘action’? When you run away screaming?” David said cynically, looking at him.
“No! I can fight!”
“Yeah, right.” He said with sarcasm, shaking his head. “You’re ‘bout as powerful as a newborn kitten, I bet.”
“No! Don’t j-just assume stuff like that. I was trained by a great soldier-“
“Was he really?” he asked, looking at Henry.
“U-Uh, yes, he’s been trained-“
“Who exactly was this great soldier of yours?”
“His name was Aaron Renata, who was second-in-command at Base Two, and –“
“Before dying on a grade-e mission and getting him and his entire team killed.” David intoned without emotion; he had heard the story many times before.
“Uh… Umm…” he looked down, blushing and lapsing into an embarrassed silence.
“My point exactly.” The soldier sighed, looking back at Henry.
“Perhaps so, Mr. Layon, but he is indeed going with you.”
“You’re sending him to his death, then.”

An awkward silence followed, until Henry coughed into one fist and spoke.
“Only if that’s what you make of it, Mr. Layon. Now,” he turned around, “If you’d like to enter this room, you can meet the rest of your crew.”

Stephen obediently hurried through the door without looking at David, who followed more reluctantly after him.

The first one he noticed was Grit, towering above them all with an expression of distaste as he looked around. One giant hand rested on the shoulder of a young man – probably his son, Blayke, although he bore little resemblance to him. He shared his father’s tall height, but was more thin than muscular, with pale skin and angular features. His appearance was icy, with cold blue eyes and white-blond hair that fell just past his earlobes in incredibly straight locks – quite a contrast to his father’s dark curls.

Seeing David, Grit steered the young man towards him.
“Hey, Layon.” The man greeted gruffly. “This is my son, the one I told you about.”
“Hm… A sniper, right?” he looked at him, a bit off ease about the bitter look the boy wore.
“Mostly.” Grit told him after a moment, when Blayke refused to open his mouth. “He does all sorts of jobs – right, bud?” he clapped his son on the back, still not getting any response.
“Uhh… Okay.” David scratched his head and looking around. Not the friendliest guy… But, then again, Chaos Knights don’t need to be ‘friendly’… I mean, look at me!

“Pyralis!” Grit yelled; one of the others turned to look at him. “Come say hello.” He grinned wolfishly at David. “This kid is insane, but I’ve heard he’s amazing with fire and explosives.”
“Does he think he’s a gangster or something?” David muttered as he caught sight of the young man approaching them.
“Michael Pyralis.” The boy greeted before Grit could reply, seizing his hand and shaking it energetically.
“I’m… David…”
“David Layon? Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard from Grit that you’ve got a great record as a soldier.”
“Uh-huh…” he murmured, unconvinced, eyeing him critically. Michael looked like quite the punk, with wildly spiked crimson hair and orange-colored contacts. His bare arms were tattooed generously with flames, and he sported numerous facial piercings as well.
“Y’know, at first I thought this mission would be impossible, but now that I’ve met everyone and stuff… I think we can do it.”
“Really…” even more doubt in his tone now.
“Yeah! I mean, we’ve got a great team. Did you meet everyone yet?”
“All but the girls.” Grit replied for him.
“Lillian and Zaira? C’mon, you’ve gotta meet ‘em.” Michael grabbed his arm this time, pulling him over to the two women.

There was quite a difference between the two of them – then again, one was a soldier and the other a medic, two very different jobs. Lillian had shoulder-length, dirty blond hair with a slight curl to it, with soft, doe-like brown eyes. She had a quiet and shy look about her, a complete contrast to the girl relaxing against the wall beside her. Zaira’s hair was long and dark, pulled back in a ponytail. Her emerald eyes were hard as steel, and she was better muscled than the medic as well. Both of her ears were pierced several times, as well as her nose and lip, and a tattoo was clearly exposed on her left arm; a black rose, drops of blood clinging to its vicious thorns, black petals looking more ominous than beautiful. Perhaps a representation of herself…

Zaira looked at him coolly.
“You another crackhead like Michael?”
“He-ey, I’m not a-“
“What’s it to ya?” David cut him off, raising one eyebrow at her. Apparently deciding he wasn’t worth her time, she turned away and ignored them all.
“I’m Lilly. You’re David, right?” the other girl greeted him, giving a warm smile.
“…Yeah…” not paying much attention to her, he glanced over for a moment and then looked away.

“Alright then!” Henry clapped his hands together, gazing around at them with a falsely cheerful look. “Now that you’ve all been acquainted, I have your supplies ready. You’ll each have a pack to carry with sufficient food and water for the trip, as well as a blanket and pillow for nighttime, and other survival necessities, along with clothes. You’ll each have a weapon and silver bullets, and any specialty things you might need. Sound good? Well, just head into this next room, and you can get your things.”[/b]

__________________
"Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door... What's life like bleeding on the floor, the floor, the floor?"
- My Chemical Romance

worldboy90

In my opinion, very good story so far. Got my attention and all, all except for a few parts. First of all, this far into the future, I would believe they would have new weapons. Still using petty snipers and flame throwers 400 years from now sounds almost impossible....

Another thing, you made everyone a... specialized punk almost? Maybe its just me, but aren't there any regular kids here. Ones a little twitchy kid, a crackhead, a tough chick, a very mad boy, a girly girl, and some guy that hates life with a tough guy. No average joes I guess..... but then again, it does give spice to the story.

Good story overall, 8.5/10. Especially with middle school education, im probably 2 years ahead of ya and im not even half as good.. yet .

Phantom Rose

Unfortunetly, it may take a while for the next update. My floppy disk broke, and so I have to re-type up everything I had past what I posted on here... *sigh* Thank you all so much for the advice.

__________________
"Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door... What's life like bleeding on the floor, the floor, the floor?"
- My Chemical Romance

Derek

I read only the prologue, and I am sorry, but I noticed too many conflicts and holes in the plot.

If it's your first effort, then it's good.

Would you like me to post the problems I found? It will not be a jendle critique.

slayerofangels

Its looking good so far, I'd work a little harder on the Chaos, don't mention what they are for a while, perhaps have David contemplate it while he smokes or gets hammered. Its interesting though.

Ever Present
Slayer

__________________

For Sale: One soul. Mint condition, never been used.

Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster. And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Phantom Rose

Okay, hit me with the problems, please. I'll try to fix them. I'm currently going over what I've typed and editing it, so that would be quite welcome.

And alright, Slayer, I'll try that...

__________________
"Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door... What's life like bleeding on the floor, the floor, the floor?"
- My Chemical Romance

Derek

- Advanced in what way? "More to conquer": because of advancement? Do you refer to all man-kind or just one nation?

- I think "world war" is a conclusion for the reader, I would rather read just "war". War always torns things. I would rather read some specific consequences of that war in order to make that conclusion ("war-torn world") myself. What brought us to a world war? Why and when did it started?

- What happened between 2200 and 2403? It's 203 years. The world took a turn, or the war took a turn?
- It's the 2403 and satelite technology can't show us what's happening down there? If the thing that fell from the sky blocks satelites or the satelites were destroyed, then you should tell.
- Divers go along with ships, especially in a such a big place as the Atlantic ocean. I would rather read "men went to investigate".
- I think that rumors never have a support behind them. It would help to tell one or two rumors.
- Who made those theories? Governments or civilians?
- How much time passed from the moment of the disapearence of the divers, till the rumors started to circulate?
- Since the divers didn't came home, then something is wrong. "Terribly wrong" sounds to much to me becuse I have got used to read it after a more tight and brief description of what happened. We use it after a suspicious but peaceful course of events. and makes the reader reach into a climax, after which he/she can only expect to see an apocalypse.

- Months passed and mankind did nothing? I think that they would have sent more people to investigate, and if they also disappeared, they would have bombed the place. Defenses would have rise.
- I like the usage of word "climbing".
- A blob has a shape. Give us their size (even if it's shifting) and the way they move (if they move).
- You reveal too much about those black things. These things should be left for the humans to discover. The only thing that we have got is what we see, how are we supposed to know that thet had limited intelligence but they learned? You must tell us only their behavior, not their beeing. Their behavior and the results of it is the only thing we can notice.
- I would rather read "anything they want" other than "anything they see" for those things.
- "or any of the others": what others? The humans?
- "They began to understand the world around them": shouldn't this came beafore they start to shift their shape?

- I would rather not read "literally".
- "Chaos spawn"? Chaos is a condition. I don't recommend using a characterization for a name of a beeing. Chaos is the lack of organization, or at least the organization we have in our mind.
- "become part of the [...] morphing [...]": it starts to remind me of "The Thing".

- Silver? Like vampires?
- Ever-evolving? It's only been 3 years. I would rather read "continually-evolving".
- What makes them say they would become immune to silver? Did the things close to the big thing at the Atltantic ocean started to become immune after some time, or did they were always immune? And what about a thing that is been chased and manages to reach the big thing, will it become immune?
- The humans never tried to bomb the big thing?
- "Time was limited": don't tell the reader to think that, lead him/her to think it.

- Fortified cities: now it starts to remind me of "Final Fantasy the movie".
- It's the second time you mention that time is short. Last time you said it, the year was 2403.

- How do they know that the chemical was a cure since the human body rejected it?
- Since they rejected the chemical, how could they remain immune to infection?

- Limited amount? In the previous paragraph, you said it was man made.
- Children as soldiers? It starts to remind me of "Lord of the Flies".

Phantom Rose

I know I promised a draft without the prologue being like this, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I was thinking of maybe trying one without the prologue entirely, and slowly explaining things through David's thoughts in the first chapter. I also thought of maybe trying to write the prologue as a series of journal entries by a scientist who was studying the Chaos spawn and the neutralizer and everything... What do you guys think of that idea?

In the meantime, here's an expanded and edited version of the prologue. Do you guys think this is any better? I *tried* to answer the questions/fix the problems with it, not sure how I did. And just for the record, I've never seen Final Fantasy: the movie or read Lord of the Flies (my English class is actually starting to read it later this semester, but that's not the point.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Prologue

The need for power is something that can never be satisfied. Through the years, as mankind advanced, the hunger to conquer more grew as well. Many countries began to acquire better technology… Naturally, along with that came superior weaponry. The countries “further along” than the others began to set their eyes upon expanding their borders. Originally, the war involved the United States, the United Kingdom, Russia, Japan, and China. Soon, they drew many others into their fighting.

By the 2200’s, Earth was a world torn by war. The new weaponry was devastating; most of them didn’t even realize how much it was ravaging the land itself. Within years, the earth was pretty much stripped of its resources. They had the knowledge to expand their technology, but no longer had the materials they needed. With the endless feuding, none of them could afford to use their limited resources to go into space to search for more. As time continued to run on, the situation became worse and worse. Life was a never-ending battle for power, land, and wealth. It was a war that lasted decades.

Little did they know that the worst was still to come. March 14, 2403, the world became even worse. A mysterious object fell from unknown origins into the Atlantic Ocean. Radars could detect something large resting at the bottom, but couldn’t pick up much information for some reason. Momentarily turning away from trying to destroy each other, the major countries sent out men to investigate it – no one belonging to any of the countries returned. The governments tried to keep it quiet, but soon enough word leaked out. Rumors about the object and the disappearances circulated, none with any support behind them. But with every theory came one conclusion – something was wrong.

Cities close to the Atlantic Ocean soon started reporting strange sightings and mysterious disappearances – the governments of those countries dismissed them as a hoax brought about by the rumors. A few months later, they began losing contact with those cities. They sent more men over to see what was going… What they found was truly shocking. The cities were overrun, all signs of human and animal life gone, replaced by hordes of these strange things. They were shapeless black blobs with no apparent eyes or ears, only seeming to be able to sense vibrations. They had limited intelligence at first, remaining these pointless blobs and sluggishly moving around with no apparent purpose. But they soon began absorbing information at an amazing rate. Instead of each one having to learn something about the world on their own, they seemed connected. If one experienced something, the others felt it as well. It seemed that they shared one mind. They soon began to get much more intelligent, growing to understand the world around them. Then they began to transform. Instead of remaining small blobs, they started taking the shape of numerous things – anything one of them saw, they could transform into it, becoming a crude shadow-image.

At first they seemed simply curious, tentatively interacting with humans who came to study them. But within about a week, they began to prey on mankind. But they didn’t simply consume their victims – instead, they turned them into one a copy of themselves. Spreading like a virus – whenever these “Chaos spawn” (as they became to be known) came in contact with flesh, the life form would become immediately become infected. Within 72 hours, they would become part of the Chaos, another morphing black spawn.

After the first few weeks of panic and disorder, mankind began to experiment to find out how to kill the spawn. They found a limited amount of things that could do the job. The first one to be discovered was fire and explosives. The spawn were extremely flammable and sensitive to large amounts of heat, and often went into a blind terror when set aflame. Besides this, the only other effective way was with silver. At first no one believed it would really work, but indeed it did – they had an intense reaction to silver, responding as if it were acid. If any spawn came into contact with silver, it would become sluggish and then die within a few moments. However, scientists theorized that this reaction would probably be temporary. Silver might be something that they simply had never encountered before, wherever they came from. At the rate they learned to evolve, the scientists feared they would learn to overcome this as well. Indeed, the closer they got to the Atlantic Ocean and the main mass of Chaos, the weaker the effect. It would take the spawn longer to die in reaction to silver or fire.

Despite discovering these weaknesses, mankind was simply not unified enough, not prepared enough, to defend themselves against the Chaos spawn. They seemed to be able to survive for long periods of time even out in the middle of nowhere, with no living things to “feed” off of. By 2406, the world was almost completely overrun by them. Mankind swarmed to large cities, which were quickly fortified against this threat. They gathered their limited materials to use as defenses and weapons, forced to resort back to very crude technology. They survived the initial attack - but barely. Only a small portion of their original numbers remained, as the Chaos spawn spread all over the world, even managing to reach the distant areas of the world, far away from the Atlantic Ocean. Mankind knew that time was running out quickly. They had to find some way to get to the main mass – the theorized “brain” that controlled and connected all the spawn - and destroy it.

In that same year came about an important discovery. After months of work, scientists managed to find a complex formula to create a chemical able to “neutralize” the Chaos. Whenever this chemical came into contact with the Chaos, it not only killed it, but entirely dissipated it. At first they thought they could use it as a weapon – but then they thought, perhaps it could be used as a cure for the infection. This would be an incredible leap and an aid in survival.

At first, it seemed perfect. But as they tested it, they discovered a fatal flaw – the human immune system rejected the chemical, finding it as a threat and destroying it before it could take effect. Only on new, vulnerable systems – those of children younger than five – would the remedy be able to work. This brought about another breakthrough; while at first they had thought this would only be a temporary thing to be used immediately after being infected, it was much more effective. Once they had been injected with this neutralizer, they were immune to Chaos infection at any point thereafter. They could be contaminated only if the Chaos managed to get direct access to their bloodstream.

Soon, they ran into yet another problem. With their limited resources, they could only create a small amount of this chemical. And so another idea came forth – why not inject the cure into as many children as they could, and train them to be soldiers? Immune to the infection, they would be their best chance at survival. In such, the Chaos Knights, defenders of humanity, were created.

18 years later, a message was received… One that, perhaps, would let them destroy the Chaos, once and for all.

__________________
"Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door... What's life like bleeding on the floor, the floor, the floor?"
- My Chemical Romance

Titania

I didn't read through all the earlier posts, so I don't know exactly what things looked like before, but here's what I saw w/ the prologue:

The first statement is nice, simple, a good intro.

'more grew' sounds like it should be 'grew more'... if you mean it as I think you do, however, I would say:
...the hunger to conquer more of the world grew as well
or add something else in between 'more' and 'grew'

Don't use an ellipsis there if you can avoid it. Try:
Many countries began to acquire better technology and, naturally, along with that came superior weaponry.

Them? specify–the countries using the weapons?

Take out the phrase 'pretty much'

You continue to use 'them' and 'they'–again, see above.

Repetition here. I'd say something more dramatic, like:
...the worst was still to come. March 14, 2403, the world feel even further into darkness.
At the very least change from 'worse' to some other word.

Take out the phrase 'for some reason'

I think you're missing the word 'on' at the end of this. And I would suggest replacing 'going on' with 'happening'–it sounds more formal.

In the fourth paragraphed you use the word 'seemed' a lot. Try to spice things up a bit, use some different adjectives, or just take the 'seemed's out altogether.

Try they began to take on the shapes of numerous things.

Replace with 'a matter of days' or 'a matter of weeks'

You need a comma between 'one' and 'a'

Should be as they came to be known

Avoid the word 'thing' and, again, try to use other words than 'they' as it gets confusing trying to figure out who you're talking about.

I don't think 'in such' works here, it sounds strange.

Overall it's a very interesting storyline, and as what it is, an introduction, I think you did a fairly good job. I felt like I had less criticisms to make towards the end, as well.

__________________
Critique and ye shall be critiqued.

Derek

At the beginning of your story, you set some countries engaging into war without any obvious reason. Appart from the fact that this would be enough for several novels, today there are no wars of such scale.

Today we have mini-wars. It would take a significant understanding of economical, political (social belongs to political) to draw a line of what we have today to something like what you describe.

Check the novel "1984" by George Orwell. Orwell published it in 1948. He speaks of a great war started by a revolution that raged just after the second big war in Europe. He based the war (and later to things going terribly wrong) into a revolution. Back then, a revolution that would have such an impact was possible. Today, I don't know.

Let me make a suggestion, do not take it as an insult. I recommend to read history.