Untitled - Chapter 1 - Writers Forum

Kane · 03-18-2005, 01:39 PM

Barra stood amongst the ruins. Under a dark sky, he contemplated all that the old man had said. If it were true, it would unravel all that he believed in, and yet there was no denying the evidence; the brand that had adorned his chest since before his earliest memory was the same as the crest upon the blackened remains of the once glorious throne room in which he now stood.

Here, his father had ruled over the kingdom of Brythania. He had sat on this very throne, now defiled and rendered into pieces. Barra’s eyes welled with tears as he took in the devastation of the once proud city that lay in ruins before him. The great metropolis that had been home to tens of thousands of free men, women and children was now a desolate graveyard. The mocking song of the wind, as it howled through the empty, broken buildings, nearly deafened him.

A cold rage built deep within Barra's powerful chest and he silently vowed to avenge the treachery that had seen his father butchered at the hands of those whom he had trusted. But how would he find those responsible? What could he do, so many years after the fact, all based on the words of a grizzled warrior, whose sanity he questioned?

“Aye, that is the question. Is it not?” The old man asked, as if plucking the question from his mind. He grinned at Barra, displaying a mouthful of crooked teeth in various stages of decay. Reaching beneath the black, wool cloak that hung about him in tatters, he produced a sword unlike Barra had never seen. The old man raised the magnificent weapon high above his head and, suddenly, his countenance appeared to grow.

“In an age long past: Barra, called the Wolfblade, slew the demon-lord, Akrynos. In so doing, he united the clans of the north under one banner and the kingdom of Brythania was born. For many generations your ancestors have ruled here, defending Brythania from those who would subjugate her people and bring slavery to all. You are the namesake of the first, young Barra. It is your destiny to rise and reclaim the throne of Brythania.

“This sword has passed down from father to son; to each king of brythun. I have endured many years of pain and solitude to bear this weapon for you Barra, so that you would know who you were. Its secrets are not mine to know, but I do know that it was forged on the Black Mountain in the heart of winter. I know that it is an enchanted sword, though I know not what magiks are imbued within its cold, black blade. Now you must strike me down, my Lord, and become the king it is your destiny to become."

"I will not slay you, old man." Barra grimaced, backing away from the gray haired warrior.

"But you must, my Lord Barra." The old man drew closer to him. "Only the sons of the Wolfblade can wield this sword without angering the curse upon it. You would be easing my pain, my Lord."

Barra stood silently for what seemed an eternity as the old man offered his father's blade him. He had killed before, but in combat; his life had depended upon it. He would take no joy in killing this old man. However, Barra did not see what choice he had. To abandon his destiny now, after learning who he was, would be to exile himself forever into the depths of obscurity.

He knew the pain that the people of Brythania had suffered for these last two decades. He had shared in it with them, side by side, under the iron fists of one oppressor after another. No, he would not allow that to continue. If it was his destiny to free them, he would, no matter the cost. Barra took the sword in his powerful hand, his face grim with the task set before him.

"Old man. You have done me a great service. Indeed, you have sacrificed your own life so that the kingdom of Brythania would rise up once more amidst its enemies and crush them. Your name will be sung with honor when the halls of Brythania are rebuilt." Barra spoke solemnly, his vow now woven into the strands of eternity. "Before I slay you, friend, you must tell me your name."

The old man fell to his knees and looked up at young Barra. "Lord, I have done what I have done, not for the kingdom of Brythania, but for your father, Edric. He was my best friend, Sire, and it was my foolishness that caused his death. I would suffer an eternity if it would bring him back from the dead. My lord, my name is Astin. Now please, give me the peace I have so long sought."

"Very well, Astin, Hero of Brythania. Your name shall not be forgotten." Barra raised the Wolfblade high above his head. After a small pause he brought the sword down sharply where Astin knelt, severing his head from his body in a clean, painless stroke, his gray eyes filled with sorrow.

As Astin's lifeless body fell to the ground, thunder crashed through the dark sky. An intense pain seared through Barra's head and he reeled from the burning it caused. All at once, he saw everything his ancestors had seen, knew everything they knew. Images swirled through his brain, fighting for a place among his own memories. The spirits of ten generations of the Kings of Brythun instantly became a part of him and he cried out in excruciating pain. Then, just as quickly as they had entered him, they were gone and Barra collapsed wearily to the ground.

A small hysteria grew within Barra, as he lay there, unable to move. What wonders he had seen amongst those memories; Barra the Wolfblade high upon the Black Mountain, fighting off the minions of Akrynos. King Ecgbryht, bathed in the blood of his enemies, defending the gates of Markata against a host of invaders from the south. The blur of his great-grandfather, Kani, as he single-handedly cut down a band of slave traders who had thought to find fresh stock within Brythania lands.

These images and so many more, the lives of his ancestors now forever etched into his brain as if he were there, watching from the shadows. Their hearts' desires displayed before him; their loves, their pain, their sins all now resided within him. Finally, Barra realized who he was -who he was born to be- and what it was he must do. The pain inside of him began to recede and was replaced by a growing darkness. Everything seemed to fade into nothingness as the darkness consumed him. Exhausted, he gratefully slipped into the realm of unconsciousness.

Selorian · 03-18-2005, 04:55 PM

Kane,

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Do me two favors before I comment on this. First, post in the Introduce Yourself forum. Second, comment on at least one others work. It is just a good thing for people to get to know you and also to give what you hope to get here. A fair exchange overall I do believe. I look forward to being able to comment on this.

Cliff

Selorian · 03-18-2005, 07:10 PM

Hello again, Kane.

Back as I said I would be.

You have a really good start to a story here. I like the idea of the memories of his ancestors being given to him by the sword. An excellent way for someone to learn who they are. I see a lot of potential here.

There is just a few things I thought I would point out. There are a few places where it seems you left out a word. May want to read through it again and see. Also, the dialogue between them seems a little strained. I guess you are going for a more formal type speech for your world, but it just doesn't seem to flow well. That is just my opinion though.

Overall, you have gotten my attention. It was well written and draws the reader in. I will venture to say, work hard to make it original, which I'm sure you know. If not careful, fantasy begins to all look alike. Find constant ways to make it fresh, original, and your own. I look forward to seeing more.

Cliff

Kane · 03-18-2005, 07:21 PM

Hi, thanks for the critique but would you mind being a little more specific as to where you think I left out words? Also, keep in mind that Barra, up until now, knew nothing of his past. At first, he doesn't know if Astin is crazy or what. Also, Astin is speaking to his Kingm wether Barra realizes it or not. So yes, I would imagine that the dialogue is rather strained. This is obviously not set in present day US, so the dialogue will not reflect that, however, as we come to see Barra in more informal surroundings, speaking with the different characters as they are introduced, you should see a different side to him. Although I cringe at making him speak with a lot of slang. He is a serious fellow, and now has an enormous task in front of him. While I appreciate the way certain authors characterize their hero's by using very loose dialects, I would prefer not to employ that style when writing from Barra's perspective. Perhaps you meant something entirely different though. Either way, thanks for the critique.